166 Days: My Journey Through The Darkness (24 page)

We brought Dylan Patrick into the world in April 2012, completing our beautiful family. He is such a strong little man with a huge heart and a kind soul. I can’t begin to express how grateful I am that my children are the beautiful little people that they are.

I feel my life is filled with so many blessings. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the Divine guidance I have been able to key into and recognize throughout my life. This perspective has been the way I have found purpose in my misfortunes. I continue to live every moment to its fullest and appreciate every blessing in my life with a humility that I never knew prior to my experience. I have finally accepted I did change, and while I left my innocence over there, I brought back a perspective that made me a better, more impactful person.

I was able to reignite that fire inside eventually. I did so by accepting the reality I have very little control over what is meant to be, and by serving others, I was able to find reason in misfortune. I have embraced motherhood, and my family, and have made them my top priority. I think of the people I was with on an almost daily basis. I have realized finally how
big
the deployment really was. This took me a long time to do. I minimized it for so long, but have now allowed myself to
feel
the emotions I never felt while I was there. Rod and Travis are forever in my heart and I take every opportunity to tell people I meet about the heroes they were. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful family and friends.

People often ask me, “If you had it to do over again, would you?”

I tell them without hesitation, “Absolutely.” Afghanistan was filled with some of the worst moments of my life, but also many of the best moments of my military career. The experience has helped me become the person I am today and for that I am forever grateful. It has turned into a story of hope and inspiration. I have accepted that while I witnessed horrific things, and I hit a place that was the lowest of the lows, it all came down to a decision that only I could make. I could do nothing and be consumed by my darkness within or I could accept what happened and move on, no matter how painful the road to recovery may be. I chose to come through that darkness and into the light. My road was long and painful, filled with unexpected turns and detours, but by the graceful guidance of God I eventually found my way back to center.