Bad Company (20 page)

“Oh. That’s nothing. Lots of kids try it out. It’s not a big deal.” A completely irrational disappointment burned in Nate’s throat, but he covered it with a smile. “It doesn’t matter if I’m not your first boyfriend.” He reminded the hot spark of jealousy that virginity was a patriarchal construct, intended to insure primogeniture and keep women bound in fear with sexual inexperience. And when the hell did he get so fucking possessive? He kissed Kellan’s forehead.

“Do you think you could shut up until I finish this?”

Nate had never heard that cold emptiness in Kellan’s voice before. “All right.”

“So this other kid—David—and me, we kind of had a feeling, and we started jerking each other off and stuff like that, hiding in the bathrooms or when we could get someplace alone.”

Nate wanted to spill out more reassurance, whatever would chase that distant look from Kellan’s face, but kept his mouth shut.

“We didn’t exactly talk about it, but one day we snuck back to the cabin after lunch, and he was going down on me when this older kid came in. He wasn’t a counselor, just some sixteen-year-old douchebag from another cabin. He got really nasty, called us all kinds of names.”

Nate bit his tongue, hoping he wasn’t going to end up bleeding before Kellan finished his story.

“We were scared shitless, I mean, it’s not like there was another explanation for us both with our shorts off and David’s head in my lap. If I’d been thinking, maybe I could have turned it on him, like he wasn’t where he was supposed to be either. But the guy said he’d tell everyone. And the counselors would call our parents.”

As the direction the story was going got pretty obvious, Nate felt sick. He stopped stroking Kellan’s hair, shifting to hold his face, to stop his story with a kiss, but Kellan cut Nate’s motion off with a look.

“He said he’d keep his mouth shut if we did it for him—gave him a blowjob. David said he’d do it, that I wouldn’t have to, but the guy said it had to be both of us. Told us to meet him in the bathroom that night or he’d tell.”

Did you want a
My First Blowjob
T-shirt?
The memory of Nate’s words burned in his throat like bile.
I want to be here, Nate. Whatever it costs
. Nate had taken Kellan’s offer and used his mouth rather than letting him find his own way.

Nate had to make himself keep listening, keep looking at Kellan.

“It wasn’t too bad. He couldn’t get off with it, had to jerk himself off the rest of the way.” But Kellan’s mouth pulled into a grimace as if he was reliving it. “But goddamn that pissed me off.”

And what had Nate done that first night? Demanded Kellan suck him off to prove how desperate he was for a place to stay. Exactly how different was he from this asshole who’d raped a couple younger kids? Kellan should have bitten it off.

“It wasn’t too bad,” Kellan said again. “But David was pretty freaked out. He ended up going home three weeks early. I wanted to kill that prick every time I saw him. But it kind of made me mad at you too, and I know that was stupid. Like if you’d been there—I don’t know. But when we got to high school and the older kids started saying stuff about you—I couldn’t be on that other side again. I was a fucking coward, but I couldn’t do it.”

“No. You weren’t a coward.” But Nate was because he couldn’t look at him now with the knowledge of how he’d acted hanging there between them. “That was rape.”

“Oh, c’mon. He barely did anything.”

“So abuse or harassment, whatever. Fuck.” Nate pushed up, swung his legs over the side of the bed, sat up and squeezed the back of his neck. “It’s no different from the shit I pulled when you came here looking for help.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t know how you can stand to be in the same room with me.”

Kellan might forgive him, but Nate would never be able to forgive himself.

“That?” Kellan sat next to him. “You were—we were messing around. Nothing happened.”

Christ. The way he’d let Nate fuck his mouth, the way Kellan had opened, yielded, turned all sweet and submissive—where did it come from? It wasn’t real. Right when Kellan had been figuring out sex, some bastard abused him and fucked with his head.

“You wouldn’t say that if you weren’t in denial. You should have had therapy.”

“Don’t.” Kellan slammed a fist onto his own thigh. “Don’t you dare fucking turn this into one of those letters for your fucking column.”

Nate couldn’t be having this conversation naked, with a used condom next to his hand, not when he’d screwed up this badly. He dragged himself free of the bed he’d have sworn he wouldn’t be getting out of before morning—or a lot more orgasms.

“Yeah, standard Hey Gray’s advice. Run.”

“For Christsake, I’m just putting some clothes on.”

“Yeah, sex over, back to business. You know it’s kind of funny. I’m not the one who has a problem with his sexuality, man. You are.”

“That’s bullshit. I’ve known since I was thirteen. Younger.” The slithering sensation in Nate’s stomach was from having come that hard, not from any guilt about being gay.

“You might have known, but you wish you didn’t. You’re the one who’s got issues about wanting to fuck guys. I don’t.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying.” Nate yanked his briefs up. He grabbed the first T-shirt he found, and it dropped below his hips. Kellan’s, damn it.

Kellan sprawled on the edge of the bed, legs wide, and leaned back on his hands. He winced and sat up straight.

Nate ripped Kellan’s shirt off and stood in front of him. How could Kellan think that? Just because Nate didn’t get mushy over a fuck didn’t mean he had some kind of hang-up about sex. “You’re wrong. I don’t have any issue with wanting to pound your tight ass again.”

Kellan caught the shirt with his left hand. “Even with my history of abuse?”

Nate’s cheeks heated, an unfamiliar blush. He was fine with being gay. There was nothing wrong with being gay. It was nothing to be ashamed of.

Kellan pushed out his lower lip. “That’s right. Who kept telling me I wasn’t ready? Like having sex with someone I…care about was some prize I had to suffer and prove myself for.”

Nate turned away. “I never said it was. I’m fine with who I am.”

“That lie is so big I can’t believe it didn’t choke you.” Kellan yanked the shirt over his head, stood up and winced again, though whether that was about his hand or his ass Nate couldn’t tell. Kellan stuffed a pair of clean briefs in a pocket and dragged on the jeans Nate had pulled off last night. “Because really, you’re just a scared little shit who can’t see past his little boxes of good guys and bad guys. I’m not going to wait around for you to find a way to turn your freakout into a reason to run from me.”

This was insane. Nate didn’t have a problem with being gay. And he wanted Kellan here. Maybe they could shove all this stuff from the past under the repression carpet and everything would be fine again.

“You don’t have to leave.”

“Yeah. I do. Right now.” Kellan picked up his wallet from the bowl near the door. “See ya around.”

Nate was tired of swallowing all the anger, all the frustration. “Right. Because when you don’t get the kind of attention you like, you throw a fucking tantrum.” Something crashed near his desk as Yin dove for cover. Nate had no idea his voice could get that loud.

“I told you something about me. Something I never told anyone, and you turned it into some big issue for
you.
Check your own fucking tantrum, Nate.”

“I can see why your father got tired of all your drama. What are you going to try next? Becoming a Rastafarian?”

Kellan threw his keys across the room to skitter under the bed, and Yin streaked into the bathroom.

Nate had control of himself again. “Stop scaring my cat.”

Kellan loomed over him, and Christ, he was beautiful and he smelled so good with sex and sweat still clinging to him. Nate wasn’t scared. He couldn’t help it if Kellan couldn’t handle the truth about his behavior.

“Do you have any idea what I gave up for you?” Kellan’s cheeks were dark red, green eyes bright.

“Yeah, five million dollars. Like you’d let me forget that.”

“I’m not talking about the money. I gave up everything. Everything I thought I understood about myself, about my life, because—” Kellan’s throat worked.

How could Nate have only had the right to touch him—kiss him—for such a short time?

“You’re the best thing I’ve ever had in my life,” Kellan said.

Now Nate was scared. It was too much. Too much responsibility. This wasn’t a faceless person emailing Hey Gray, this was—the most important person in his life. How could Nate make him happy when he couldn’t seem to do that for himself? And it wasn’t about being gay, damn it.

“It’s easy to be confused when I’m all you have. I don’t want you to wake up and realize that this—especially the sex—was because you didn’t have any other option.” Nate said it softly, the anger safely locked away again, but Kellan took a step back as if Nate had shoved him.

“The only thing I’m likely to do is wake up and realize that you’re pathetic. You really should learn to get over yourself before even your cat can’t fit in the room with your self-righteous gay halo.”

Kellan left.

Chapter Twenty-Two

On Sunday, Nate was in his office alternating between writing his next column and writing a letter that magically explained everything and made Kellan happy and living in Nate’s studio on Castle Street again. It had only been one night. Kellan was right. Nate was pathetic. He’d made it fifteen years without Kellan Brooks taking up a huge space in his world, he could make it again.

Besides, Nate knew he was right. It was only a matter of time before Kellan realized he couldn’t give up D-cups or actresses forever. Not that Nate had asked him to.

Eli walked in without knocking.

Nate saved his column and buried his scribbles under ad copy on his desk. “You’re not working today.”

“Thanks for the update. Here’s one for you. Your boyfriend spent the night on my over-crowded apartment’s couch, if you care.”

So Kellan hadn’t gone crawling back to Geoffrey’s money. Good for him. But where did Eli get off blaming Nate?

“And for your information, I didn’t kick him out. He left.”

Eli sat on a pile of folders. Nate’s office was perfectly organized. He kept the folders there so no one would come in and sit down.

“I’m sure it was still your fault.” Eli put his arms on the desk and leaned in, studying Nate’s face. “Do you like being unhappy, is that it?”

“I’m not unhappy.”

Eli shrugged. “So you’re just a dick.”

“Yes. And right now I’m the dick who’s telling you to get out of my office so I can get my work done.”

“Fine, Boss.” Eli stood and headed for the door.

“And tell Kellan he’s welcome to come back. I’ll pick up an air mattress for him.”

Eli stopped and turned back to Nate’s desk. “Nate, if you guys were faking it all that time, why is now the first time you think of an air mattress?”

“Well, I’m not sure if the cat—”

“It’s really thick vinyl, and Yin isn’t a destructive cat. Face it. You’ve always been in love with him.”

Nate had faced that a long time ago. “Sorry to ruin your dreams of true love, but that doesn’t change anything when that isn’t the problem.”

“No. Because you’re the problem. Sucks to be you, Boss. And not in the good way.” Eli left.

Nate was gathering up some great exit lines if he ever wanted to do a Queertiquette column on them.

He lifted his notes out from under the ad. He wasn’t unhappy. He wasn’t happy. The world was full of people deliberately screwing over other people, and Nate was only trying to fix a little bit of it.

If he’d told Kellan that—not about the world, but about loving him—maybe that would have kept him there. Maybe it would be enough to bring him back.

Nate’s direct line rang. “Gray.”

“Hey, Gray.” Kellan’s voice had a light mocking tone to it, one that made Nate’s stomach turn over in a way he remembered too well from high school.

“What?”

“That’s a nice way to say hello to the guy you fucked yesterday. Have you ever had a relationship that got past the first fuck—I mean besides your first one, Malcolm? He must have been some kind of saint to deserve you.”

“Kellan, I’m at work.”

“I know. I’m the one who dialed the number. This is all about business, Mr. Gray.”

“What is?”

“If I make a deal, I stick to it. Tomorrow I’ll take you to my dad’s office and get you the stuff you need to fuck over Geoffrey’s plans to screw the city out of millions.”

“And how are you going to do that?”

“The same way I always was. Wear a suit and tie and meet me at Eli’s at eleven tomorrow. Find some way to cover the stitches, and bring a briefcase if you’ve got one.”

Nate had one. His parents had given him a beautiful case when he graduated from college. A year early.

“Be on time. And look nervous,” Kellan said before he hung up.

That wouldn’t be a problem.

Casey, one of Eli’s roommates, had a car, and she gave them a lift to Dundalk as Kellan went over his plan. He had on a pair of black jeans Nate had never seen and a new shirt.

“Every year my dad’s secretary takes a vacation in May. She’s completely unreachable and my dad drives every secretary they send in crazy. They don’t want to be there subbing for her, and he doesn’t want to deal with them. Every Monday he has this lunch where his leaders report in. He’ll be gone for about two hours. Geoffrey won’t have said anything to the substitute secretary about me, so we can get in the office no trouble. You just do what I say.”

Nate wiped his sweaty hands on his suit pants. This was definitely illegal. And maybe still immoral, even if they did stop Geoffrey Brooks from devastating the city’s tax base. It didn’t seem to matter anymore. Nate had helped Kellan because that was what Nate wanted to do. He’d wanted Kellan Brooks as a boyfriend since learning what the word meant and had grabbed whatever rationalization would make it work.

So why was Nate in this car, wearing a suit and tie, briefcase on the backseat next to him? Kellan turned, looking over the front seat as they got to the industrial section. Nate wished he could blame this stunt on responding to the challenge in Kellan’s eyes, but it wasn’t about proving himself, like when Kellan would dare him when they were kids. Nate was here because he wanted to be. Because Kellan was, and in his suit jacket’s inside pocket were Nate’s notes about all those things he was trying to figure out how to explain.