Beautiful Lies (7 page)

“You’ve seen this before?”

“No, not exactly, but I am aware of similar cases.”

“So, how do I fix it?” I ask desperately.

“There is no right or wrong answer to that question I’m afraid. Each individual is different. The first step is always facing the reality of what happened that night. That is where it all begins. Your brain’s fear of what happened to you has made you start to lose touch with reality. That is where you have to start.”

“How do I do that when I can’t even remember?”

“Again, there is no definite answer I’m afraid. People remember in their own way. Sometimes, it takes an event or situation to bring it back. In other instances, people can do or say something that triggers a memory. You said that it was only you and your partner there that night?”

“That’s right.”

“Well, unless your mind just chooses to remember, then he is your only link to that night. Something that he saw may trigger a memory. I would suggest that you sit down and talk to him.”

“We’ve never really spoken about it. I’m not sure how open he will be to the idea.”

“I understand that. He was a part of that tragedy, too. While he may not show direct signs of any damage, different people are affected in different ways. Ignoring an issue is a very common reaction in cases such as your partner’s. The night will represent an almost loss for him. Revisiting it will not be easy.”

“Then what do I do?”

“You have to be patient. Time is a healer as the saying goes. This won’t disappear overnight. It’s going to take time.”

“Time is not something that I have,” I say sadly.

“I’m afraid that you may not have a choice.”

“Ok.”

“I must warn you not to push too far; it can be difficult on the brain. You don’t want to overdo it.”

“I
need
to remember.” I whisper.

“I understand, but baby steps are the key to your success. Begin by talking to your partner, see if there is something that he can tell you and try to focus on that one thing for a while, see if anything comes. Too much information can make you go into overdrive so take your time. And please remember that sometimes people never remember.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sometimes your brain chooses to never unlock the information. If that is the case in your situation, then you need to be prepared to accept that outcome. You cannot spend a lifetime chasing something and never living a happy life as a result. The key is to find a balance and never become too obsessed.”

“Never finding out isn’t an option. My relationship is falling apart,” I feel defeated.

“And I am sorry for that, but just be wise in all decisions that you make.” I nod, knowing that I can’t do things exactly the way that she wants, but that I can do something with the information that she has given me.

“Thank you,” I say, standing to my feet.

She rises to her feet also, resting the notebook on the chair in the process.

“It was lovely meeting you, Paige. I do hope that you will be back to let me know how things go. You can book another appointment with Stephanie at reception if you would like to?”

“I’ll have to check my diary so it’s probably best if I just call again,” I lie.

“That’s not a problem. Take care.”

“You too,” I mumble, half in thought as I make my way out of her wooden office door. I continue down the beige painted corridor at speed. When I reach the elevator, I press the button and wait impatiently for it to arrive. I find myself biting my nails, a habit that I had dropped years ago.
Nerves.
I force my hands down to my sides and jump when the elevator dings to alert me that it has arrived. I scurry in and tap a couple of times on the ground floor button. I watch as the illuminated numbers count down from the fifth floor. I try to map out the conversation that I need to have with Rick.

I know that that night can’t have been easy for him either and now I’m going to be asking him to delve back into it. I hate making him have to do that. We’ve never discussed it and I believe that it’s because it is a place that neither of us wants to revisit. For him that represents a time when he thought that I was dead but to me it represents a time when our relationship was actually alive. It was a time when it was just me and him. And that is worth going back to...isn’t it?

* * *

“Thank you,” I smile as the server places our cups of coffee on the table. Liv looks up at her and smiles too.

“So,” she begins once we are alone again. “Are you going to talk to Rick about that night?” She takes a sip of her coffee.

“I don’t know. I want to but I don’t want to make things worse. We’ve never actually spoken about it. I think that it is our way of pretending that it never happened.”

“But it
did
happen and you’re both going to have to accept that soon. At least if you want to move forward, anyway.”

“I know. I just need things to go back to the way they were. We used to be so happy, Liv.”

“I know,” she smiles sympathetically.

“He just looks so sad all of the time. He knows that my heart doesn’t belong solely to him and it’s breaking him apart. I wish that I could change it; just turn off the dreams. I’ve tried so hard but I can’t. I can’t help it and I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m in love with someone that doesn’t exist. It’s unnatural.”

“Oh, Paige, I hate to see you like this.”

I take a sip of my coffee and shake my head.

“So, are you all set for the funeral tomorrow?” I change the subject. I see her expression fall. She looks sad and nervous. I stretch my hand over the table and squeeze hers gently before giving her a reassuring smile. She physically relaxes.

“Yes and no. I feel really selfish because my emotions should be because of Lilly but, it’s mostly because of the fact that Gavin is going to be there. I’m just finding it difficult to deal with.”

“Hey, it’s ok to feel that way. This is hard. You haven’t seen him, in what, four years?”

“Yeah, I mean, he just disappeared, Paige and now I’m going to see him after four years and I’m expected to just act normal, like it doesn’t still hurt.”

“You still love him, don’t you?”

“It’s ridiculous, isn’t it?” She breathes.

“Are you serious? I’m in love with a guy that doesn’t exist; you’re talking to the queen of ridiculous right now.”

We both start laughing. I love to see her smile. I know that the whole situation with Gavin has been getting her down.

“Our lives are so complicated aren’t they? It must be genetic,” she giggles.

“Yeah, speaking of genetics, have you spoken to Nate lately?”

“I spoke to him a couple of days ago but not since.”

“I wonder if he is coming on Saturday.”

“I don’t know. He’s still so angry,” she whispers as if someone is listening in on our conversation.

“I know. I’ll try talking to him. I know that he’s mad but Brenda’s trying really hard. I guess it just takes time.”

“Yeah,” she nods her head. “It was always Dad that I thought would react like this, not Nate.”

“Yeah, so did I. Dad has taken the whole ‘Mom turning up on our doorstep’ thing pretty well to be honest. I still can’t believe that he encouraged us to see her. I don’t know how he did it after she broke his heart like that.”

“I guess some people are just better at forgiving than others.”

“Maybe, perhaps it comes with age,” I say thinking about my situation with Rick.

“Yeah, anyway, enough with all of the sad stuff give me some girly talk,” she demands as she chuckles at me.

“Girly chat I can do. What do you want to start with?”

“How about Jamie Dornan...let’s start with him...” She smirks.

“That sounds like a great idea. Where shall we begin?” I laugh before diving into one of our crazy conversations.

* * *

An hour later and we are leaving the coffee shop.

“So, you’re sure that you don’t need me to come with you tomorrow?” I ask one last time.

“No, I need to do this on my own. You can’t fight all my battles, right?” She smiles weakly.

“Right,” I agree.

“Good luck with Rick.”

“Thanks. Call me tomorrow; let me know how everything goes.”

“I will,” she promises before I pull her into a tight embrace.

“See you later,” I call out as I head to my car.

“Later,” she replies.

I get into my car and start up the engine. I turn up the heat and pull my phone out of my purse. I dial Rick’s number and wait nervously.

“Hey, babe,” he answers almost immediately.

“Hey, you ok?”

“Yeah, how did your session go?”

“Ok, she said some things that made sense. That’s what I called to speak to you about actually. Are you at home?”

“Yes,” he sounds nervous.

“Good, I’ll see you in a bit, we need to talk.”

“Paige, is everything ok?”

“Yes, everything is fine, don’t worry,” I smile even though he can’t see it.

“Ok, good, love you.”

“You too,” I say before hanging up. I spend the entire ride home deep in thought. I try to plan out exactly what I’m going to ask Rick. I don’t want to miss anything out. Maybe this will be the way out of this mess. Maybe if I could just
remember
we could start to go back to normal. I can’t lie and say that I’ll ever forget my time with Taylor but at least if there were no more dreams then my feelings could slowly fade away. Then Rick and I could go back to the way things used to be. We could be happy again instead of constantly faking the smiles on our faces. I know that Rick isn’t going to want to talk about the night of the accident but once he understands that this might be the very thing that changes
everything,
he may just change his mind. This could be the very thing that saves us.

CHAPTER FIVE

PAIGE’S STORY

I
pull up outside of our apartment block, feeling a mixture of excitement and nerves. I practically run to the door and unlock it as quickly as possible. I close the door behind me and call out Rick’s name as soon as I am inside.

“In here,” he calls from the bedroom.

“Hey,” I smile, leaning against the door frame. I watch him laying out his clothes for work tomorrow on the bed as I slip the shoes from my feet. I unzip my coat and hang it on the back of the chair at the desk in our room. He watches me intently as if he is unsure of my next move.

“Good day?” I ask, not making eye contact with him as I busy myself putting away my purse.

“Yeah, I missed you at the gallery though.”

“I missed being there,” I admit coyly. “But it was nice to have a day off.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” he takes a seat on the bed and just sits, watching me in anticipation.

“So, the therapy session went well. I’m really glad that Jenna suggested that I go. Clarise--that’s the therapist’s name--she was pretty insightful.”

“What did she conclude?”

“That my brain is trying to protect me from reliving the night of the accident. It’s trying to shield me from the trauma, that’s why it has created this dream world...this safe haven. A place I go to...to forget.”

“That’s an interesting theory.”

“It is. She also thinks that in order to stop dreaming about
Taylor,
” I feel the tension as soon as I mention his name, but I continue, “I need to find a way to remember what happened that night. I need to remember the parts that I am blocking out. Allow my brain to get past needing a safe place. To get back to reality,” a small smile plays on my lips but Rick’s face is serious. He is thinking.

“How are you expected to remember?” He asks.

“She said that with some people they just remember by themselves, sometimes little things trigger it.”

“Ok.”

“She said that it can be even better if someone who was involved in the tragedy can help to tell you what happened.”

“No.” He says it so simply but with great conviction.

“Rick, she said that there is a chance that you could tell me something that could trigger a memory.”

“Why would you want to remember that night?”

“I don’t but I
need
to. If I could just remember then maybe I would stop subconsciously creating a world to protect me from reality. The dreams could stop and then maybe I would stop falling deeper in love with somebody that doesn’t exist.” My stomach drops the minute that the words leave my mouth. Saying them out loud makes it so real. “I just want to go back to normal,” I say softly, taking a step toward him.

“So do I,” he breathes.

“Then help me, Rick. You’re the only person that can. We need this.” Now I am stood in front of him, my hands resting gently on his shoulders. “Please.” I beg.