Beautiful to Me. (6 page)

             
I guess I didn’t realize how deep in thought I was in because I never heard anyone coming up to me. I was just twisting around on the swing, kicking at the rocks, thinking about Mitch and offing myself. Dead people and death. How positive is that for a 17 year old. I laughed at myself.

I looked up and seen Dominic leaning against the flag pole. He had his one foot crossed over the other leg, and his arms folded over his chest. Watching me. I flinched a little because he just startled me.

              “You scared me. Why didn’t you say something?” I ask him without moving away or even looking at him.

             
“Because if I did, you would probably take off and run away again.” Dominic answered.

             
I just nodded, not paying too much attention. We both are quiet for a couple minutes and I just get up, and start walking towards the parking lot. I might as well put him out of his misery and let him take his pity date home. It was nice while it lasted. Time to get Cinderella home. I laugh to myself. Cinderella. Ha.

             
Dominic catches up to me, and once we get to the car, he opens my door and I throw myself in. He walks around to his side and jumps in. He kicks on the heat and we let the car warm up for a minute, and I feel like I am thawing at least.

             
“what am I going to do with you Ivy?” Dominic says as he clicks his seat belt on, staring at me, waiting I assume for me to “buckle up.” getting thrown from a car, or throwing myself out of one is a couple more ideas to put on my lists of 500 ways…

             
I shrug, “I guess what you are going to do is take me home, and end your little pity date. Which, by the way, I did have a good time. Thanks for taking my mind off of, well, everything for a few hours. It was really nice of you.” I say, trying not to make too much out of anything. I need to keep telling myself this isn’t real. Or a serious friendship. Or date. It would be nice if it was a date though.             

             
“That is not what I meant Ivy. In fact, I am not planning on leaving you alone right away. We can go back to your place or you can come by mine. Pick one.” Dominic states firmly.

             
I just glare at him from the corner of my eye. I turn my head and look out the window. Trying not to make too much out of anything. “Please just drop me off at my place. I am fine, you don’t have to stay. Really. Thanks though.” I say in my usual standard fashion. I admit I have noticed that when you relieve someone of the worry they have over you, they are more likely to move on and let it go. Sometimes I laugh at how many times I think of offing myself on some of those occasions thinking of how those people would be so shocked the next day if they heard I killed myself after they left. ‘She said she was fine. I had no idea.’

             
“Ok, you want to go to your place, no problem but I am not leaving.” Dominic informs me I am now lucky to be designated a babysitter. He keeps his eyes on the road, once in a while looks over to me. I can see his reflection in the passenger window I am starting out. Not saying anything. Secretly, I am happy he wants to hang out for a little, then I feel sad because I don’t think he will remember any of this come next Monday in school. I want to open up, but why bother? It’s not like I can act like we are friends there.

             
“Fine, whatever you want.” I finally spit out, not trying to seem the least bit interested.

             
After a fifteen minute ride in silence, we pull up to my apartment and I pull myself to get out and I motion to open my door, and Dominic is standing right at my side. “Are you worried that I will take off again on your watch? Look, you dropped me off, I am no longer your responsibility, now you are free to go. I release you from babysitting service.” I stand there, still looking into his beautiful bright sea green eyes and get lost in them a moment. I break away from the sparkle he shows through them, and walk around him to head to my front door.

             
“Hey, wait.” Dominic says as he grabs my hand, and tugs at me to turn back around to face him. I stop for a moment, slowly turn, still not holding his hand back, he stares back at me again. “I had a really good time tonight. I don’t want to force you to have me over. I mean I understand you being alone and everything, but I don’t know… Don’t you want to just hang out?” He asks sounding sweet. Not so sure if its sincere, but very nice and thoughtful at least.

             
“Really, I’m great. Thanks for tonight. I really thought it was sweet of you to fill in tonight for Mitchell. I know he would be happy to see how thoughtful that was of you. Now, you need to get going. I am sure you have something going on tomorrow or practice and everything.” I squeeze his hand that is still wrapped around mine and pull myself away and begin to walk towards my door. Convinced another one I am all candy and roses once again. I let myself in and turn the light on in the house, and the porch light off. I quickly run into my bedroom and peek out the blinds to see if he left with out turning my bedroom lights on. Then he won’t see me looking. Hmm, still there. What the hell is this guys deal? He closed the car door I got out of, but is leaned up on it now, staring at my house with his hands shoved in his jean pockets. He bends his neck to either side, looks like he is cracking it, scrubs his face with the palm of his hand and runs it then through his awesome sexy hair a couple time. Finally he looks down at his feet, and slowly turns and walks around his side of the car and gets in.

             
I let out a held breath of air I didn’t realizing I was holding. Part of me is feeling relieved and calm now he finally left and believed me. And then there is part of me that feels sad because of the same reasons. I pull myself from my blinds and go over to my stereo and hit repeat on my newest favorite song by Kelly Clarkson, Dark Side. Heading for the bathroom, I get ready to jump into the shower.

             
I stand in the shower for a little bit. Looking over my veins. Looking over at my feet I peel and cut. I need to cut. I need to feel that instead of what I feel inside. After I wash myself and my hair, I get out and wrap a towel around myself. Throwing one around my wet hair and sit down on the bathroom rug and pull out a razor I have hidden in the bottom drawer. My hand is shaking, I want to do this really badly. I need to do this. I drag the razor across the side of my foot. Making sure to reopen one of the same cuts I made in the past so I don’t make more scars. It feels like I am letting out the bad blood. Or Cutting off the dead part of me. The poison in my blood spilling out, relieving me of my pain I hold inside. I watch the blood drip down my foot to the rug where I laid the towel from my hair on. I watch it spill out and its almost like a wave of calmness washes over me. I move up to my inner thigh on my right leg. I’m left handed, seems easier for some reason to do the same right foot and the right leg. I find a line that has been covered awhile with a fresh scar and reopen that one. This time I leave the cuts opened and uncovered or cleaned up. I wonder as I leave the water running in the tub, the steam filling the bathroom with humidity and fog, if it would thin my blood to flow more. I wonder how much blood I can loose with a couple long cuts? I put the razor on the counter and with the towel still wrapped around me, and no one here but me until tomorrow night, who cares where I sleep. I turn up listen the stereo, this song really hits me in the gut. I lay down in a fetal position to make myself into a ball on the towel covered rug keeping the wounds open, hoping this will be good practice to see if this works slowly or if the blood just dries up. With the wet air in here, it might keep draining. Just practicing is all. This isn’t that last time. Nope, not just yet. I just need some relief. After awhile, I begin to get sleepy, and I move to see that my leg and foot are still bloody. Its not gushing or anything but a little trickle seems good. At least I can bleach the towel. No big loss, no one will know. I dose off, eye lids heavy with sleep. And once I close my eyes to sleep, I open them to dream.

             
I find myself running the track at school again. No one is around, it must still the weekend and its really wet and foggy out. I feel like I have run 10 miles already. I can barely keep up the same fast pace I have been doing, but I don’t want to stop. I want to stop only when I am forced to by passing out. I hear someone calling in the distance… I keep running thinking its not for me so I just continue on my run. As I continue my run, feeling the humidity spraying across my face, breathing in the smell of early morning I hear the calling of someone and then I see Mitchell I suddenly stop in front of the bleachers and he is sitting there, leaning against the railing looking like he always did when he was healthy and happy. “Is that you Mitch?” I ask. I ran over to him and jumped into his arms, slamming myself against his body. “Whoa! What are you trying to kill me?” He wraps his arms around me, I squeeze him really hard, my legs wrapped around his body. “Are you really here? Are you really talking to me? Did I die? Please don’t leave me Mitch. I miss you so much. I can’t do it anymore. I need you Mitch, please let me stay with you, please don’t leave me. You are the only one who ever cared about me. I move my hands all over his back and head. I squeeze his shoulders. “You feel real.” I say through my tears. “Can you hear me?” I ask still hanging on to his body, wrapped around him like gum on a flag pole. “Mitch I don’t want to live alone anymore. I don’t want to be away from you anymore. No one loves me. Please let me stay. Please… I promise to do anything you say. I won’t bother you. I will do anything.” I cry, begging.

He keeps his arms around me, he tries to sooth me, runs his hands through my hair. I don
’t want to even pull myself from his body incase he disappears.

             
“Ivy, I’m always with you silly girl. You are never alone. I watch over you all the time Ivy League.” Mitchell tease’s me like he used to.

             
“Mitchell, I miss your voice, I miss you protecting me. Why didn’t I die instead of you?” I ask, still crying I can barely get the words out.

             
“It’s wasn’t and still isn’t your time to go sweetie. Please listen to me. I need you to strong, for both of us. I know things are going rough right now for you. Don’t give up. You don’t have to worry, I won’t leave you alone. I promise. I promise Ivy, I’m right here. Please, don’t die. I’m right here.” Mitchell kept saying like it was a mantra. Continuing the same words. “I’m right here. Please don’t die, and I promise, I won’t leave you alone.” Over and over and over. And then, the fog began to lift, and he never said anything other than those same things over and over and I no longer seen anything. It was all dark, and the voice calling me got stronger and stronger and I heard myself saying the same things, still holding Mitchell I could feel his big strong body holding on to me still. “Please Mitch, please don’t leave me. Please take me with you. Please, I’m so alone. I’m so scared. Please…”

             
“I’m right here Ivy. I promise I won’t leave. Please don’t die. Please stay here. I promise I won’t leave.” I kept hearing. Except I began to hear Mitch’s voice sounding different. I pulled myself away a little and opened my tear swollen eyes and found myself lying in warm arms, still holding me and rocking me on my bed in my room.

             
“Ivy, please don’t die. I’m right here Ivy. I promise I won’t leave.” Wasn’t Mitch’s voice this time. It was Dominic’s and he was holding me, rocking me, cooing me wrapped in a blanket. I looked around everywhere confused. “Mitch? What happened to Mitch? Where did he go? He was with me.” I frantically said in a shaky voice, searching all over for him. And then I finally realized. I was dreaming. I was dreaming about Mitch and Dominic was the one that was holding me and talking to me. It was just too much and I was so embarrassed. “Oh, my God, I’m such an idiot. I’m so sorry… I didn’t… Please, just go. I’m fine. I just… I just…” I couldn’t talk anymore. I was just crying too much for how pathetic I looked. I just dropped my head  between our two bodies and covered my face with my hands and cried harder.

             
“Shhh, it’s going to be ok Ivy. I promise it will be better. I won’t hurt. I promise.” Dominic said trying to soothe me.

             
“Wait, what are you doing here? You left, you dropped me off. Why are you here?” I looked down and seen I was wrapped in a blanket and I still had the towel around me as well from the shower.

             
“Ivy, I came back to drop off your half of the pizza you didn’t finish and I was calling you and calling and I didn’t have your cell number and I tried the door and it was unlocked. I came in, heard the shower going and I was banging on the bathroom door and you didn’t respond. I got worried so I tried the door, it opened and you were laying in a towel on the rug on the bathroom floor and the water was still running. I tried to wake you, I seen blood everywhere. Ivy, you scared the shit out of me.” Dominic explained. I kept my head down from the shame I felt that he found out my secret.

             
“I’m fine. Thanks.” I whispered. Hoping he would leave it at that. That hope was certainly short lived.

             
“Fine?” You are anything but fine Ivy. When I jumped down to you laying there I thought you were dead for Christ sake! Then all of a sudden, you were crying and talking in your sleep I guess. You were dreaming. You were talking to Mitchell. I tried to pick you up and you held on to me for dear life.” Dominic said as he raked his fingers through my hair, pulling it carefully from my face, moving the loose strands behind my shoulder and tucked behind my ear. “I was talking to you Ivy. You were talking to Mitch, thinking I was him. So I came back, I wrapped the first thing I found in your bedroom, sorry its your comforter, and I picked you up to bring you in your room. When I picked you up, you wrapped your four limbs around me like I was pulling you out of a sinking ship. I didn’t want you to get scared if I pulled you away.” Dominic explained softly.