Bone Idle (26 page)

I was halfway up the stairs, relishing the prospect of a long bath and a good book, when the telephone rang. At first I was tempted to ignore it but the sound persisted, and reluctantly I returned to the hall. The dog pottered out from the kitchen and watched me quizzically. ‘My lord bishop presumably,’ I grumbled to Bouncer, ‘with more prattle on sin and sloth no doubt!’

In fact it was a woman’s tone, though due to an impossibly crackling line barely audible. I strained my ears and caught dislocated phrases – ‘my father’, ‘bone idle’, ‘tiny green eyes’, ‘several reproductions’, ‘pig in Poona’. I listened bemused by the words. But from what I could make out she seemed to be alleging that her parent was some indolent swine from Poona with mean green eyes and a penchant for procreation … Surely not! However, one of the hazards of clerical life is sudden ambush by the woolly and unhinged; and I was beginning to think that the caller was just one such, when the line became horribly clear.

‘Oh yes,’ continued the voice of Mrs Pindar, my recent luncheon companion at the Bishop’s Palace, ‘as mentioned, Daddy was very
big
in Poona and so knows quite a lot about those Indian bone idol things, and it was just wonderful to hear your expert views on the Beano replica – such an intriguing subject! A few of us are meeting after church on Sunday … Daddy of course, with two or three other eager beavers, and dear Claude Blenkinsop smothered in laurels from that recent magazine article! And I am rather hoping that Professor Purbright will grace us with his illustrious presence. But
such
a treat for everyone if the renowned specialist could attend as well!’ She paused expectantly.

I stared at Bouncer, who vigorously wagged his tail. Then resting the receiver on the table, I lit a cigarette, expelled a perfectly formed smoke ring, and with a degree of pride followed its spiralling progress as it wafted upwards into the vacant air.

‘Are you there, Canon?’ the voice anxiously enquired.

‘Yes,’ I replied, ‘but not for much longer. You see, unfortunately I shall be absent on that date. Out of the country actually … I may be gone for some time. In fact I am about to depart at this very moment … the taxi awaits!’

A Load of Old Bones

Bones in the Belfry