Bonnie Kaye's Straight Talk (20 page)

Breaking up is hard to do, even under the worst of circumstances. There is no easy way to leave a marriage. Most women need a readjustment period to filter the information through their heads totally. There’s lots of second-guessing during this time, as well as questioning your sanity or stupidity. “How couldn’t I have seen this coming?” “How come everyone suspected this before me?” And other people start questioning it too. “What did you do to make him gay? He wasn’t gay when he married you, was he?” “Men don’t just TURN gay. You must have screwed up somewhere.” On top of all of the hurt we are going through, we have to deal with other people’s ignorance and stupidity, which compounds our own feelings of inadequacy. And you know what? Not every straight wife finds me in her early days of confusion or even ever for that matter. They sit and suffer because they are unable to find help or a voice of sanity to tell them they are not at fault. That’s the saddest part of all. Lack of support keeps women in a long state of depression and confusion.

Wives of gay men have to contend with so many issues that wives of straight men don’t face. This makes things much more complicated and uncomfortable. You see, I contend that women who have straight husbands don’t have the set of problems that we have. Most women who are wonderful wives LIKE WE ARE with wonderful marriages to straight men don’t have husbands who are sneaking and cheating on them because their husbands are happy. We, on the other hand, are the best of wives but are made to feel like we are worthless. How do great wives feel when their husbands start abandoning them emotionally, physically, and sexually for no apparent reason at all? What does it feel like to think you have to “beg” for sex from the man who is supposed to be you soul mate in life? How do you think it feels when you uncover his little secret only to find that all of those times he was saying no to you he was saying yes to a host of men that he met for casual sex that was so casual that he never even necessarily saw their faces or knew their names while he was making you feel as if you were sexually abnormal for wanting to share intimacy with him? You feel dirty because he makes you feel that way. You are not good enough for him to make love to—that is his message to you.

As women who have been emotionally abused in this way, we have to start rebuilding the long stripping of our sense of worth, self, and sexual esteem. We now have to worry about what to tell our children, and if they will hate us for breaking up their family. We end up protecting our ex-husbands in so many cases, keeping their secret while they are out there living it. You see, it’s okay for them to do it, but they’ll tell you it’s none of your business to discuss it. After all, you’re only the wife, right?

You can be in what you think is the beginning or the middle of your marriage and suddenly, your husband announces that, “I am what I am,” and his own special creation is your worst nightmare. You have two or three children and limited resources as a single parent. This gay husband who comes to terms with his sexuality, unlike the straight/gay kind of husband that stay forever to torture you, is now walking out on you to begin his life as a gay man. All your dreams are up in smoke so to speak, and you’re left to pick up the pieces. It’s not unusual in those early years of gaydom for husbands to be scarce when needed. They are off in their new life and very, very busy. It seems like he’s forgotten you, the children, the house, and the money it takes to run a family. He does seem to have money for his new life and lovers, and there seems to be no balance. You pay, he plays. And you’re also exhausted. Yuck.

It can be any one of those situations mentioned above, but the end result is all the same—misery. That’s why some women who are so pealed down mentally to start with, never can reach the finish line to proclaim themselves the “winner.” It’s hard to run a race if you’re wearing yourself out doggie paddling just trying to keep yourself from drowning. That’s why I never judge how long it takes someone to leave—as long as she knows that she is going to leave someday. Mental freedom is three-fourths of the battle.

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ESSON
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Beauty. Hmm, let’s see—it’s in the eyes of the beholder—namely YOU. Self-esteem has to be rebuilt before you can truly love yourself and realize how beautiful you are. I have seen the most physically beautiful of women learn to believe they are ugly and undesirable. When they look in the mirror, it’s like an anorexic reflection showing fat when the person is skinny. When you don’t feel good about yourself, you don’t see yourself objectively anymore. You feel ugly inside, so you see your reflection as ugly outside. It’s such a shame and makes me so angry. The self-damage that is done has to be worked on before you pursue any kind of new relationship because you leave yourself open for other unsavory men to find and grab you. They aren’t gay, but they are losers. They are controlling, angry, abusive, and in other cases, useless. These guys see a “sucker” coming and they lunge after you. They know you are ripe for the picking. Give you a few “I love yous” or “you’re beautiful” and you belong to them, few questions asked. If they have sex with you, you feel redeemed from the marriage to your gay husband so you settle for the wrong relationship because it seems less wrong than the last one. UGH. More bad years wasted again.

The song The Greatest Love of All has the right line in it—learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all. If you can’t love yourself in a generous healthy way, you’ll never be happy in any future relationship.

And so my dear reader, keep this message close to your heart. It sums up the writing of the past four years and starts the fifth year off with the lessons you need to be reminded of when you find yourself with a gay husband. Hopefully my recovery will go well and I’ll drop you all a note next month. And hopefully you’ll realize that I’m recovering and you’ll be generous enough to send me letters to share with others to make it easy for me. Never stop believing in yourself, because if you are reading this newsletter, it means that you are fighting back in one way or another. I send my love and hope to all of you in big doses to keep you safe in my absence in the weeks ahead.

JUNE 2005

A C
ONTROL
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Several weeks ago while I was in my support chat room, one of the women mentioned that her husband told her that, “You will never meet anyone who loves you as much as I do.” When she uttered those words, a flash from my past hit me in the heart. Those were the same exact words that my gay ex-husband used to tell me on a daily basis. Well, they started out as the words he used to tell me. Then he used to cut the sentence in half from time to time just stating, “You’ll never meet anyone who loves you.” Period. But by that time, I was so beaten down, that I bought the message loud and clear—and sadly, I believed it.

Remember, when you are living with a gay man—even if you have no clue your husband is gay—your sense of self-esteem and sexual esteem is being stripped away layer by layer, day by day. After a while, you are so confused you don’t know how to make any decision without questioning it, because you have lost faith in your judgment. Your husband makes sure of that—ESPECIALLY IN THE BEDROOM.

I say this because there are some women who write to me to tell me that their gay husbands are their best friends. They have wonderful friendships with them and love being with them to go shopping, vacations, dinners, outings with friends, and family holidays. I’m not sure if these women are luckier or not. I really have to think about it for a few more years. You might think this is odd, but it’s like the women who write to me sometimes wishing that the emotional abuse was physical abuse because that way the bruises would show and people would believe how they are suffering. Women with the wonderful gay husbands are sometimes in worse pain when their husbands leave them for their new found lives and lovers. “We were the perfect couple. I thought we were the perfect couple. Well, I thought other than sex, we were the perfect couple.” I think some women just don’t get it. Without sex, there is no perfect couple. Sex is part of the foundation of having a relationship. It’s not the icing on the cake, it is the cake. It’s not extra sprinkles, it’s the cake. In other words, if the marriage is missing the sex part, there is SOMETHING WRONG. Also, the women with the best husbands except for the gay part have a much more difficult time moving on after the marriage is over. They still keep hoping that their husbands will be disillusioned in the gay world and come back to live their wonderful marriage—or friendship—or relationship—or arrangement—or whatever you want to call a sexless marriage.

I’ll tell you the sad part about these women who “lucked out” with the nice guys. I’ve heard this story hundreds of times through my 21 years of listening to sad stories from straight wives. These men loved their wives to the best of their ability. They just knew in time that they couldn’t keep living a lie after so many years. In most cases, these guys have met someone and it is often the first real interest in pursing a man to man relationship on both an emotional and sexual level that they’ve had. Sometimes it is 10 years into the marriage—sometimes it is 30 years into the marriage. What happens so often is that the man leaves his loving wife and goes into the arms of his new male love. The woman goes through her heartbreak questioning everyday why this man that she loves is throwing away everything they have—their children, home, business, family—all over sex. She doesn’t really understand gay at all yet. She thinks it’s just a “sex” thing. The man who is so excited with his new found happiness usually finds himself devastated when the gay relationship doesn’t work out. In almost all cases, the first gay relationship doesn’t work out. That’s just how it is. And when things come tumbling down, and the gay husband is devastated, where does he find himself running? He runs right back into the comfort and safety of his wife and their previously happy marriage.

Guess what? Straight wife is glad that gay husband has come to his senses and she takes him back. He promises that he’s learned his lesson. He’s not meant to be part of the gay world. He tried it. It wasn’t for him. He’s so hurt that he knows that the only thing that will take away his pain is the loving support of his wife, children, and family. She forgives him because she loves him and she wants their marriage to go back to where it was before this nightmare took place.

Guess what again? He is so grateful that his wife has taken him back to the security he longs for, that in most cases, he throws in some sex to show his gratitude. It may happen for a few weeks or even a couple of months. He does anything he has to do to reassure his wife that they are going to live happily ever after. It’s one of those “honeymoon” periods that I’ve written about before. For the wife, that’s the icing on the cake. It’s still not the cake because it’s only for a short period of time before it’s over again. But oh, how delicious it tastes while it’s being savored.

See, this is why I’m not sure if this kind of husband is better than the cruel, nasty, controlling ones. To skip to fast forward, these good guys leave again once the new love of their life comes along—which is almost always. It may take a few months or even a year or two, but once the taste of gay grabs a gay man, the need for it will continue to progress until it overtakes him again. This is human nature—and gay nature. It’s also nature. Gay men should be with gay men—not with straight women.

Once again, the woman’s heart is broken, only this time it’s even worse. She was so sure that things were returning to “normal” when in fact, there was never any real “normal” in an “abnormal” marriage. Worse, I know women who allow their gay husbands to come back a third and even fourth time, unable to accept the reality that a gay man will always be a gay man.

Last weekend, I watched the movie “De-lovely,” the story of composer Cole Porter. I watched it because I have always been a big Cole Porter fan, and I heard that the movie had wonderful music in it. I was no stranger to the reality of Porter’s life. I knew he was gay and married. This movie was quite upfront about Porter’s homosexual relationships and how it affected his marriage. Did his wife, Linda, know before she married him? Yes. Like some of us, she had heard that her husband-to-be had done some messing around with men. Did he tell her that’s all over now that they are getting married? No. And she said that she could live with it as long as it didn’t interfere with their marriage. It was 1919, and who knew what anyone expected from marriage. Back then, people didn’t talk sex—they just did it whenever the man wanted to. Linda was coming out of an abusive marriage, so marrying a wealthy famous socialite seemed like a good bet. According to reports, there was never sex initiated in the marriage. Cole loved his wife like a best friend and she loved him like a gay husband. Eventually, they split up when they relocated to Hollywood and he was having too many indiscretions that were being noticed by the general public. But after he had a terrible accident horseback riding, she returned to him and lived her life out with him while he went through operation after operation to help him walk again. She died from lung cancer while he took devoted care of her.