Break Me (9 page)

“Good for her. I mean that.” She gathered her bag and I walked her out. The sun was coming up and I couldn’t help but think back to this time yesterday when I found Claire on my porch in a rocking chair, the smile on her face when I handed her a cup of coffee that wasn’t near as good as the ones she usually made me.

“Thank you,” I said to Jo, holding her car door open for her.

“You’ll still come in, won’t you? Please don’t let this keep you from coming to see me. You tip better than most anyone else.”

I laughed. “Nah. I’ll be in later, probably.”

“Good. Thank you for being a gentleman.”

“No reason not to be.”

As she drove out the gate and turned in the direction of the diner, I smiled. Turned out I wouldn’t need to find a new place for pancakes.

* * * * *

Claire

I looked at the clock for the tenth time in less than two minutes. The day dragged on just as yesterday had. I hadn’t seen him. He hadn’t come in to have coffee. For the first time in three months, he hadn’t come in for coffee or books. He hadn’t come in to see me.

Radio silence sucked.

Yes, I could’ve reached out to him, but… Well, I had no good excuse for not doing so. Maybe he did. Maybe it was a space thing or maybe it was all the baggage I came with. Maybe second thoughts were clouding his brain. And I could have gotten the answer to any and all questions if I actually picked up the phone and called him on the number he’d programmed into my phone before he left me yesterday morning.

Apparently, stubborn was part of my repertoire now. Again.

That made me smile. Big. I hadn’t been stubborn in a long time. I hadn’t been a pain in the ass to anyone. Tim would’ve been disappointed in that, too. Much as he was ready and willing to put me over his knees for my smart mouth and defiance, he loved the spark and spunk, as he’d called it.

I wasn’t a doormat, never had been. He’d appreciated it and encouraged it, knowing where to draw the lines and when to rein me in.

As I wandered the aisles of the bookstore, running my fingers over the spines of the books he’d adored, I was amazed, again, at the transformation I was experiencing. Who knew it would take a mental shove, an emotional trigger to set me off, to start the pouring out from that well I’d plugged up.

I’d been afraid if it ever was tapped again, that I’d want to close it back up as quickly as possible, but I was finding that wasn’t the case at all. I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to keep it open, let the dam continue to burst till it was empty because until it was, I wouldn’t be able to start filling it again, this time with the good that Jared offered.

I looked down at my watch. It was barely eight in the evening. If Jared was going to come in, he would’ve already been there. It was Friday night. He didn’t work tonight. He… He would be going to
The Club
. “Shit,” I whispered, quickly making my way into the office in the back, grimacing with every few steps. I’d wanted to feel him, feel his assault on my body from when he’d taken me and he hadn’t disappointed the unspoken request. I felt him every time I walked, every time I moved, every time I took a breath. I felt him and I liked feeling him. I liked the physical memory of him on my body and I wanted more.

That stopped me dead in my tracks.

I wanted more. I needed more. It wasn’t a wish or a hope. It was a clear cut want and need. The two desires warred with one another for which should take the lead, but what really mattered was the fact that I could acknowledge it.

When I could move again, I sat heavily in the chair behind the desk. Tim’s desk.

Going to
The Club
, seeing Jet, seeing the room I’d been waiting in, seeing the pictures on the walls, all the memories that came flooding back, rushing back… The way it had all dropped me to the floor, to my knees, back to that night… It had all been cathartic. It had all been healing. Painful, but healing.

And the sex with Jared? He’d tried to let me be alone, tried to be the gentleman, tried to give me time. But all I’d wanted afterward was him, to be with him. I’d been alone long enough. No, I’d wanted to be alive, to feel, to taste, to give, to take. I’d wanted to be opened and taken and he’d given me exactly that.

Days ago, he told me where he’d be and I’d told him I couldn’t, I wouldn’t. In no uncertain terms that I couldn’t face it again. That I didn’t want it. But those words had been lies. I might not have recognized them as such then, but in the days since, I definitely recognized them as such now.

The longer I sat in the chair, the more indecision weighed on me. Did I dare? Did I do what I said I couldn’t? Did I face what I knew I’d need to face at some point? Did I go all in or did I take my time, wait, see how I felt tomorrow, a week from now, a month, a year? Did I put it off?

Go.

I shook my head. The voice. Tim’s voice. My subconscious voice. Ever the voice of reason, no matter the source I wanted to believe it came from.

“Claire? Are you okay?”

I glanced up, startled at the intrusion on my thoughts, on the quiet of the office. “Yes, fine. Why?”

Bethany. She’d been my first employee at the café when I opened. She’d been with me through my relationship with Tim and his death. She’d taken over the bulk of the work when I wasn’t capable of dealing with it and kept things running when I’d relapse into sadness. She’d been phenomenal. She was a friend, if I could call my small network of employees' friends. She didn’t know the nature of my relationship with Tim, only that we’d been happy, lived and worked together.

“You seem off.”

“I am,” I admitted. “I am off. I’ve been off for too long and I need to get back on.” Her smile told me she agreed and that she was relieved. My grief and wallowing had affected more than me and I’d been too deep in my head to realize it.

I gathered my purse, keys, and phone. Decision made.

“One more night, Beth. I need one more night to get my shit together.”

“As many nights as you need. I’d just like the old Claire back. Tim would want the old Claire back, too.” She closed her lips tightly as soon as the words were out of her mouth. I hugged her.

“Don’t feel bad. We should all be able to mention his name. His ego is probably hurting that we haven’t used his name since he died. We’re going to change that. We’re going to change a lot of things. Thank you for looking out for me, for looking out for the business, for keeping everything moving forward while I was stuck in some awful past.”

“It was my job.”

“No. It was my job.”

“It was my pleasure. I love this place as much as anyone, but it really doesn’t work without you.” I was humbled at her words, at her loyalty, at her forgiving nature. “Go,” she said.

And I did. I had someplace to be, someplace to try and get my life back.

Chapter Nine

Claire

“Are you sure about this?” Lucy asked, as a look passed between her and Jet. I understood why they were concerned. It was a step none of us thought I would ever take again. But really, what other choice did I have? My mind was whirring with possibilities and my body was humming with needs that I couldn’t satisfy on my own.

Jared woke me up. I wanted to know if I could stay awake.

“Not a bit,” I answered honestly. “I’m not sure about any of this, except that, it’s time. There’s something inside me telling me it’s time.”

“And he’s the right one to take you there? Don’t get me wrong. He’s been a good guy here and he’s shown he’s got skills and knows how to handle himself. But he’s also shown he’s restless. I don’t want to see you hurt. You’ve already been through enough.”

Jet’s protectiveness made me smile. So did his reference to Jared’s skills. The words Jared had used in bed the other night.
Skills, baby. I got skills.

“Thank you. I know it’s odd and I’m struggling to understand it all, but I need to do this. I need to try.”

“Tim really would be proud of you.”

I nodded. The second I’d made this decision, this choice, I felt it. Peace and a curious feeling of one door closing. “So you’ll tell him when he gets here? He said he’d be here tonight.”

“First thing,” Lucy agreed.

I appreciated every aspect of their concern, their need to make certain that I was doing this for all the right reasons. I could’ve done this in private, talked to Jared about, but at home didn’t seem like the right place, and he’d give me the same concerned look as Jet if I’d said something beforehand. No, it was best this way. Element of surprise and all. Even though Jared had wanted me to meet him here tonight, I’m not sure this is what he’d had in mind.

Once alone in the playroom and the spanking bench move to the center, I took that shuddered and shaky breath that had been fair to bursting inside my chest. I was scared shitless. He’d seen me naked, open and physically vulnerable. He hadn’t seen me like this.

I stripped down to my bra and panties. Black. Nothing fancy. Nothing sexy. But they looked good on me. I was without make up, not even the small bits I applied when I went to work. I’d put my hair up in a pony tail and walked with bare feet across the floor. Nervousness settled low in my belly and I tried to keep myself from going to nuts with uncertainty.

Spanking implements hung on one wall. Fear striking implements such as canes of various materials and lengths. A couple of switches that made me cringe just looking at them. A Dragon Tail that I wouldn’t get anywhere near. Other whips I didn’t know the particulars of, a blood knot flogger, suede ones, full leather ones. Ones that would thud and caress the skin with their weight and ones that would sing through the air and make the recipient scream. There were paddles that I shied away from, too.

Much as I liked spankings, the thick floggers or a bare hand were my chosen ones. Of course, it hadn’t always been up to me. In fact, most times, it hadn’t been up to me. Tim had known what I could handle, what I liked, what aroused me, what I’d suffer through just for him.

I hadn’t been spanked with a belt, Jared’s stated preference.

I was still staring at the wall when he walked in. I hadn’t heard the door open, but I knew the second he arrived. “Claire.”

My name wasn’t a question, but a statement of fact, of pleasure.

I turned and faced him. “It had to be here, you know. Letting the final demon out, the final piece of my pain had to happen here. It’s a few days before the anniversary of his death. You came along with all this at the wrong time. I didn’t tell you it was coming because deep down inside, I was afraid if you knew, you’d turn sympathetic and wait. And deep down, I didn’t think I could go through another January twenty-ninth alone and waiting and wishing for things that would never be again.”

He stayed silent, letting me talk, letting me get out what I needed to get out. He was patient. At least with me. I don’t know what made me special in his eyes and it really didn’t even matter. What did matter was that to him, I was.

“In the span of hours, everything I’ve been through with you, has changed everything in me. It will take longer, there will be moments I can’t make it through without hurting and I know if I take this next step with you, with anyone, it will be over. Tim will really be gone and I’ll know he’s never coming back. It’s not fair to you that I’m putting this on you, but you put yourself in my path and you’re the one who… You’re the one I need to do it.”

“Brave girl,” he said softly, then nodded to the wall. “Pick what you want.”

‘I should’ve thought this through a little more,” I said, embarrassed for a moment. Standing nearly naked in front of him didn’t embarrass me. Asking for a spanking didn’t, either. No, what did it, was that I hadn’t thought to bring what I wanted, just in case… “Your belt.”

He looked down, fingered the leather wrapped around his waist, then lifted his gaze. “You want my belt?”

“Yes. Please.”

It was unbuckled in less than a heartbeat. “On your knees. Right here.” He pointed to the floor in front of his feet. I walked toward him, on heavy, weighted legs. I hadn’t known the movements would be so difficult, but I was changing the fate that I had set for myself two years ago and it was only natural that part of me would fight against it.

He offered me his hand and I took it. With a tight grip, he helped me to kneel. Could he see the fear? Could he see the plea in my eyes when I looked into his?

His belt hissed through the loops of his pants as he removed it. I hadn’t cared much before about what he wore and I really didn’t now, but I focused on it, using it to calm my racing heart.

Black pants. They weren’t the expensive slacks that Tim would normally wear. These were thick, but not quite denim. Looked nice on him, though. His shirt was button down the front. White. Again, not the expensive silk blend that Tim would’ve worn. Jared’s was cotton and likely bought right off the rack.

His shit kicker boots… I loved them. They were sturdy and for some reason, they made me feel better, eased my anxiety. I couldn’t explain how his very plain, nothing fancy, sturdy ass boots made me feel better, like I wasn’t going to crack there on the floor, but they did.

He folded the belt in half, buckle to tail and gave it a hard snap against his thigh. The sound reverberated through the room, and jolted me to attention. He held it out to me and with shaking fingers, I took it.

It was wide, maybe two inches and it was thick, heavy. It had no decorations. No studs, no designs, no extra holes. It was solid, black leather. It was the one part of his clothing that looked and felt expensive. It made sense though, given it was his choice for spanking.

“You’ll be the first to experience this particular belt. I just got it a few days ago. Look at me Claire.”

I did as he told me. He was unbuttoning his shirt, pulling it front inside his pants. It was discarded on top of my clothes. His undershirt was next until he stood in only pants and boots. The tattoos drew my eyes and I briefly traced them with my gaze before looking up into his face.