Read Breaking the Surface Online
Authors: Greg Louganis
Breaking the Surface
GREG LOUGANIS
with Eric Marcus
Copyright © 1995, 2006 by Greg Louganis
Cover and internal design © 2006 by Sourcebooks, Inc.
Cover photo © Neal Preston/Corbis
Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc.
The following materials are reprinted by permission:
New York Times
: Excerpt from “Backtalk; Louganis Approaches Edge of the Stage, and Leaps,” by Robert Lipsyte (September 19, 1993). Copyright © 1993 by the New York Times Co. Reprinted by permission.
If You Believe
(from
The Wiz
). Words and music by Charles Smalls. Copyright © 1974 (renewed) Warner Tamerlane Publishing Co. All rights reserved; used by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—with out permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc.
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Hardcover originally published in 1995 Random House, Inc.
Paperback originally published in 1995 by Plume, an imprint of Dutton Signet, a division of Penguin Books USA Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data
Louganis, Greg
Breaking the surface / Greg Louganis with Eric Marcus.
p. cm.
Originally published: New York : Random House, 1995.
1. Louganis, Greg, 1960 2. Divers United States Biography. 3. Gaymen United States Biography. 4. Olympics. I. Marcus, Eric. II. Title.
GV838.L68A3 2006
797.2’4092 dc22
2005033004
Printed and bound in the United States of America
LSI 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2
To Ryan White,
my inspiration and guardian angel
and to Dr. Stan Ziegler,
my strength
Believe in yourself right from the start
Believe in the magic that’s inside your heart
Believe all these things
Not because I told you to
But believe in yourself
If you believe in yourself
Just believe in yourself
As I believe in you
—“If You Believe,” from the musical
The Wiz,
words and music by Charlie Smalls
Epilogue. Living Free: Life Without Secrets
Appendix: Diving Record and Awards
Dear Reader
I used to live with a lot of secrets. But that was before
Breaking the Surface
was first published in 1995. I look back to that time and sometimes think that 1995 was when I started my life all over again. I’d already lived one life, a rather dramatic one that included five Olympic medals—four of them gold.
By the mid-1990s I felt like my life was coming to an end. This wasn’t just my imagination. What only a handful of people knew at the time was that I had AIDS and I’d had it for years. This was before the lifesaving AIDS drugs came along, so I was hiding out in my house in Malibu with my dogs, fearful that my life would end before I had the opportunity to tell my story and before I had the chance to live my life honestly.
For years the press had described me as “reticent,” “shy,” “quiet,” a “mystery,” an “enigma” even. I had a reputation for never discussing my personal life, although for anyone who made the effort, there was plenty to read between the lines. The truth is I’m not all that quiet and shy, but because I’d had to hold so much inside, that’s how the world came to see me during the years I was in the public eye. So I decided that the time had come for me to tell my story in my own words, and the result of that effort is the book you hold in your hands.
Some of my friends and family thought I was crazy to tell my story. But I had good reasons. First, I was tired of the secrets, which had become overwhelming. I wanted to start living my life—what life I had left—the way normal people do, without having to watch every word, without having to remember what I’d shared with whom. I was tired of hiding out and avoiding situations in which I had to edit everything I said and lie about my life.
My second reason for writing this book was my hope that my story would help other people who had faced adversity, young people in particular—especially those who have faced the same kinds of challenges that I have. And I had other reasons: I hoped to dispel myths about gay people, some of which I had struggled with myself for years; I thought that maybe I could prevent one teenager from being infected with HIV; and finally, I thought I could give hope to people who are in abusive relationships.
One of the things I worried about when I started work on
Breaking the Surface
was that people would think I wanted them to feel sorry for me. That’s not the case at all. I was given a remarkable gift and wonderful opportunities that I made the most of. I was lucky enough to have the unwavering love of my late mother, as well as supportive and enthusiastic friends.
I also worried that my friends and family, all of whom protected me for so long by keeping my secrets, would be hurt by my decision to come forward (my friend Megan worried that I’d get hurt—she was concerned for my physical safety).
But in the end, all the worries and anxiety proved to be a waste of energy because everything turned out better than any of us could have imagined. Now I’m getting ahead of myself, because in the pages that follow, you’ll find out what happened.
What you’ll read here is the story of a lonely boy who struggled with dyslexia and discrimination, yet discovered he had a great gift for acrobatics and diving. It’s about a shy kid who battled low self-esteem, bouts of depression, and conflicts over his sexuality yet still went on to become one of the most accomplished divers of all time. It’s about a man who had a world of opportunities yet lost his way when those opportunities ended. And it’s the story of a man who had a hard time learning to live with HIV.
I’ve had an incredible life. It’s been a journey that I could never have imagined. I invite you to join me for at least part of the ride.
Greg Louganis
T
HE PRELIMINARIES WERE GOING
off almost as well at the ’88 Olympics as they had in 1984; thirty-five divers from around the world were competing for one of twelve spots, and after eight dives, I was leading. Only three more dives and I’d be on my way to the finals and a chance at my third gold medal.
Several thousand people were packed into Seoul’s Chamshil Pool, and the atmosphere was electric. As I waited at the bottom of the ladder for my turn, I went through the dive in my mind, visualizing each step and playing music in my head to the beat of the dive. Most of the time I dove to “If You Believe,” from
The Wiz,
because of its message: “If you believe within your heart you’ll know / That no one can change the path that you must go. Believe what you feel, and know you’re right / Because the time will come around when you’ll say it’s yours.”
Once the diver ahead of me was in the air, I climbed up the ladder to the three-meter board. My next dive, the ninth, was a reverse two-and-a-half pike, usually one of my best dives. The crowd was still cheering the previous diver as I walked out onto the board and set the fulcrum, the movable bar you adjust to give the board more or less spring.
My dive was announced, and I walked to my starting point on the springboard, got into place, took a deep breath, and told myself to relax. I took the first step, the second step, the third step, and the fourth step, all to the beat of the music from
The Wiz
that only I could hear. On the fifth step, I swung my arms in a smooth arc and started bending into the hurdle, pushing the board down. As I pushed into the hurdle, I inhaled, reaching up with my arms straight over my head, bringing my right knee up toward my chest, and extending my left leg down toward the board. I listened to hear the board bounce once against the fulcrum, then a second time, and then came down on the board with both feet. I pushed down on the board with the full weight of my body, bending into the board in preparation for the takeoff.