Broken but Breathing (Jinx Tattoos Book 2) (6 page)

BOOK: Broken but Breathing (Jinx Tattoos Book 2)
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§

Snake

He smiled down at the little girl wrapped around his arms.
You know you got your Uncle Snake wrapped around your chubby little finger, don’t you, baby girl?
Dressed in her brightly colored tutu complete with loud pink leggings and a bright pink sweater over a white T-shirt she was every inch the birthday girl. She blinked up at him, and he kept her smaller body close to his own as they headed into his version of hell for the day. The bounce house extravaganza was a toddler’s dream, but a bachelor’s nightmare.

Of course, you only turned one once. Plus, his goddaughter, Aoife Jordan deserved it. She had a rough start in life. Found in the woods abandoned, malnourished, and helpless, she’d stolen her father Enzo’s heart. The man had come to the Wild Ones to doctor paperwork and officially make the blue-eyed baby his. Now, Snake couldn’t imagine life without his tiny sweetheart. She helped ease the ache that came from losing Jocelyn.

It ate him up, not being able to bury his baby girl because they’d never found a body. What little was left of his wife had told them the assailants used an accelerant to destroy the evidence. The Sheriff had told him as small as his daughter was, there would be nothing left to find. It never sat right with him. They wanted to make him hurt. Nothing would do that more than having his daughter’s body show up at a later date. For months after, he’d expected to step out and find her remains in his car, or on his temporary property. Every phone call made him hold his breath. Years later, he was still waiting for that call. There was a lack of closure available. He needed to know what had happened to her and where her remains lie. It was past time he brought his baby girl home and laid her to rest.

“Nake,” Aoife babbled. Her sweet voice helped him push the darkness away. Today of all days, he wouldn’t live in the past.

“Brother, I can’t even begin to express how out of place you look in this joint,” Enzo remarked, coming up behind him with his arm wrapped around his wife.

“Yeah, yeah. Keep it up and I won’t help you set up for these little monster,” Snake said playfully.

“Thank you for coming early,” Enzo’s wife, Aibhlinn, said.

“Anything for my best girls,” Snake remarked.

She grinned, and he was nearly blinded by her glowing skin and brilliant white teeth. They stepped inside the toddler room they’d rented out for the next hour, and shrugged out of their coats.

“Holy shit, Aib, you popped,” he exclaimed, taking in her small belly.

“I know! I went to sleep last night, woke up, and there he was proud and prominent.”

“Like his Da,” Enzo teased, impersonating her Irish brogue.

“Aye, like his Da. I’m in trouble for sure.” Shaking her head ruefully, she released a light moan.

Snake snickered. “Should’ve thought about that beforehand, Irish.”

She shrugged. Her blue-green eyes sparkled with joy, and if Enzo smiled any bigger, his face would split. It was sickening and nice to see at the same time. The couple had battled a lot to get to this place.

“Five more months until the family expands and Aoife becomes a big sister. Are you ready for that, baby girl?” Aib cooed, holding out her hands as she took the baby powder scented bundle away.

“Where’s the cake?”

“Colleen’s going to bring it any minute now. They do pretty much almost everything for you here, but Aib made little goodie bags for us to set out and some gluten free muffins for kids who might have allergies.”

“How PC,” Snake said.

Enzo rolled his eyes. “Parent politics, man. It’s the worst part of being a dad.”

Snake smirked. He remembered that well. “I can imagine.”

“I’d kill to see you as a dad, man. You wouldn’t put up with the bullshit.”

“It’s a lot of give and take, raising a baby. Even the hardest motherfucker makes nice to keep their kid from being ostracized. Now I didn’t say he’d take shit. Just that he would take care with his words and actions around those who’d hold it against the innocent. I see the struggle a lot with my brothers in the club who have kids. People think you’re trash just because your old man rides a bike and belongs to a club. We set them straight. I feel bad for the girls. They seem to get it worse as they grow older.”

Enzo’s brow furrowed. “Damn. Kids are crueler than they used to be.”

“Won’t argue you with you there,” he said. He peered around the room, taking in all of the activities full of levers, knobs, locks, and interlocking gears that turned. The bright colors, and overly friendly animals gave him the willies. He and Jade had been minimalists when it came to Jocelyn as an infant. There were plenty of solids, neutral colors, and prints for clothing and baby gear. They’d planned on stair-stepping them, so they didn’t start buying all the pink and bows until she was older and began to show an affinity for certain things. His heart ached, and he glanced away from the sight of Aoife and Aibhlinn playing on a mat in the corner.
Get a grip, man. You just got here. It’ll be an hour before you can slip away.

Colleen stepped inside the building. He hurried from the room, using the excuse of helping her to cover for his abrupt departure.

“Let me take that for you, Colleen.”

“Ach, thank you, sweetheart. You ready to face these rambunctious tykes?”

“I have a flask in my jacket, just in case,” he replied with a wink.

She laughed, and he relieved her off the sheet cake featuring a pink puppet with ponytails on either side of her head. A plastic bag was tapped to the box with a wand and a crown for accessories. He shook his head.
Girls get all the cool shit. Little boys never had swords and motorcycles.

A few minute later, parents began to arrive, and the chaos began.

§

I’m suffocating.
He felt like a drunk stumbling onto his bike. He was a fish too long out of the water. His brain screamed for silence and numbness. The sounds of baby laughter had ripped his wounds open like a razor blade. He revved his engine, acknowledging to himself he was running scared. He hadn’t been prepared for the all-consuming grief that had sucked him into a tar pit of depression. He pulled out of the parking lot relishing the wind and the feeling of being weightless. On his bike, he was one with everything. He could smell the night air, taste the dampness that came with impending rain on his tongue, and feel the cool wind blowing against him. Usually, the experience put him in a zone next to nothing could touch. Today, the ride wasn’t enough. Visions of his curly-haired angel haunted him. Her broad smile, still chubby face, and sassy attitude were front and center in his brain. He pulled into a gas station and let his bike idle off to the side. Mike was prickly at best, and no one else knew his real story other than Data.
Support
. He pulled the telephone out of his cut and paused.
Fuck it
.

His fingers made the decision before his mind could talk him out of it. He placed the ringing phone to his ear and held his breath.

“Hello?”

“Hey, support, you busy?” he asked, careful to keep his tone light.

“Snake,” she whispered. He closed his eyes, taking comfort in her kind voice. “Everything okay?”

“Not really. I could use some support myself tonight.”

“Do you want me to come to you?” she asked.

“No, I’m at a gas station, and the club house is just too much to deal with right now.”

“Y-you could come here.”

“To your place, Sprite? You sure you want to risk scandalizing your neighbors like that?”

She snorted. “If anything, it’ll get them to keep their opinions to themselves.”

“Oh, you got a little rebel in you. I thought I saw it back at the clubhouse.”

“Hah, I’ve never been called anything close to rebellious. I was a good little girl who wanted to please everyone, and followed every rule to a T.”

“Sure ain’t that now,” he said, intrigued by the self-portrait she’d drawn with her words.

“No, I don’t think I am. My place isn’t much, but you’re welcome here. I don’t have any alcohol, but I can whip up a meal if you’re interested.”

“That’s perfect, Sprite. This time, you feed me and I’ll ply the bartender with alcohol.”

She laughed and rattled off her address, telling him she’d see him when he got there.

As he parked his bike, he frowned at her apartment complex. He pictured her in something more upscale. She drove a BMW for Pete’s sake.
Survivor’s guilt.
You did just enough to get by. He’d lived a year in and out of hotel rooms for the same reason.
At least she had the sense to wallow in one place.
Climbing off his bike, he took the stairs two at a time to climb the two stories to her door. Part of him was damn near excited to see her. She sounded good on the phone, like her time at the club had worked wonders. That was normally the case with people coming onto the scene from clean cut backgrounds. She was a strange creature indeed.

He knocked on the door and rocked back on his heels. The sight that greeted him a few seconds later had his jaw ready to drop. She was dressed in a pair of body-hugging black jeans, fierce heels, and a fitted black vest that highlighted her full breasts.

“Are we going out to eat?” he asked, confused. No one walked around their house like this.

She laughed. “Nope, the sister-in-law, came over and played dress up with me.” She stepped back. “Come on in.” He watched her walk away and imagined her body lush and ripe for the picking.
I wouldn’t mind playing dress up sometime.

“It smells amazing in here,” he said, handing her a bottle of Scotch.

“Thank you. Steak and homemade garlic potatoes sound okay?”

“Damn, I haven’t eaten that good in a while.”

“Steaks are finishing in the oven and potatoes are boiling. Please have a seat.” She gestured toward the lone grey couch against the wall, and he took in the threadbare apartment. There were no pictures or décor. It felt cold and barely lived in.

He sank onto the cushion, and she sat on the opposite end.

“What happened tonight?”

“I went to my goddaughter’s first birthday party, and it brought back a lot of my memories of Joce. I think about her every day, but I rarely dwell. It only causes pain and anger I can’t resolve.”
Yet.

“I’m sorry, Xavier.” Reaching out, she placed a hand on his arm. His mouth went dry. He swallowed.

“I thought I’d be good. I spend a lot of time with Aoife. But seeing all the parents with their kids…” He shook his head. “It was all I could do to make it through the hour.”

She squeezed and retreated to her side of the couch. “You never get over losing a child. It’s okay to be upset.”

“No, you don’t. I can still hear her laugh so fucking crystal clear. My girl loved to laugh and be silly. She was a ham, always putting on a show and cheesing for the camera.” He smiled with sweet remembrance. She lit up his life.

“I know she must’ve been an amazing little girl.”

“Total spitfire, like her mother,” he said.

Beeps came from the kitchen.

“Sorry. I think the potatoes might be done, and I need to marinate the steak.”

“Take your time. I can entertain myself,” he said.

“I have Netflix and Hulu.” After handing him the remote from the table, she hurried into the kitchen.

He turned on the television and began to surf through the movies. “Sprite, don’t take this the wrong way. You know I think you’re gorgeous, but we have to put some meat on your bones.”

Her head popped between the bars on the divider which separated the living room from the kitchen.

“I thought thin was in,” she said.

“Not for you. As your support I got to keep it real, right?” he asked.

She laughed. “Is that why you kept plying me with all those damn wings?”

“Yep. I been where you are. I was fifty pounds lighter after everything that happened.”

“Jesus, I can’t even picture that,” she said, disappearing back into her cubby hole.

I can picture you with full hips and a fat ass damn easy.
He shifted his weight on the couch, cursing his libido. Usually he’d screw and drink the emotions away. Tonight he knew trying to sleep with someone he cared nothing about would make his skin crawl.
What would my girls think of me now?

“Dinner’s ready,” Es called.

Saved by the bell.

They sat down at the tiny table for two against the wall she’d laid out with paper plates, paper towels, and silverware.

“Scotch?” she asked, waving the bottle.

He nodded.

“On the rocks or straight up?”

“Rocks, please.”

She stunned him by pulling out a nice set of tumblers.

She smiled. “Even before Bartending School, I loved drinks and glassware. It’s the one bit of frivolity I’ve allowed myself.” She brought their drinks over and set his in front of him. “How are you feeling now?”

“Better, support. You do your job okay.”

She glanced down and her cheeks turned pink.

Biting his tongue, he focused on cutting the superbly cooked cut of meat in front of him. Slightly pink on the inside with a nice char, it was impressive. Silence descended as they began to eat, and he found it didn’t bother him.
Maybe my family circle is opening. I got room.
He liked that she didn’t push him to talk. Right now, being here with her felt like enough. It was a startling thought. He shoved a piece of steak in his mouth and hummed.

“You can cook a mean steak,” he said.

“One of my many hidden talents,” she said. She seemed more relaxed today. Her lips weren’t drawn into a thin line and the lines around her eyes were fainter. “How are you?”

“Better,” he answered, taking a sip of Scotch.

They continued in a blissful state of semi-peace he clung to. He needed it to get him through the fresh bout of insanity he was battling.

CHAPTER FOUR

Estelle

“So what happened after you rushed me out last night?” Jolene asked.

Estelle laughed. “How long did you force yourself to wait before you called to grill me?” she asked.

“Long enough. Stop trying to distract me,” she said huffily.

“He came over because he needed support. It wasn’t a date.”

“Hey, he busted up a good girl’s night. It must’ve been important. You’re not one to flake out on those.”

“He was there for me. I owed him.”

“Uh huh. What did Mr. Mysterious think of your makeover?”

“Jole!”

“What? It’s an honest question.”

“He asked me if we were going out to eat,” she muttered.

Jolene howled.

“Oh, laugh it up, you hyena. What did Mr. Todd think of your sexy surprise?”

Jolene gasped. “He liked it very much according to the bruises I’m sporting.”

“Oh shit!” Estelle exclaimed, shocked by her rawness.

“It was unbelievable! His actions said more than any words ever could. We both agreed to sit down and talk over dinner this weekend.”

“Alone?”

“Yes, we booked seats on a River Boat tour that’s going out.”

“Good for you!”

“Yeah,” Jolene giggled.

“You’re giddy.”

“I am. This feels like it could be a fresh start.”

“It is. The kids will be leaving home soon. You need to make sure you two are okay.”

“I know. It’s harder to do than you’d imagine. Life gets so hectic. We’ve gotten caught up in the mechanics of living.”

“Tell Todd what you’re telling me, and come up with a combative game plan. That man of yours is good at constructing order.”

“Yeah, I think it’s a requirement for engineers. So, did support like your new undies?”

“You wench,” Estelle said.

She snickered. “Now that I’ve been properly laid, I think it’s time for you to be.”

The sentence struck her unable to speak for a moment. Sex had become this obscure concept that didn’t pertain to her. She hadn’t felt desire until Snake stepped into the picture. Her mind had been too occupied with other things.

“I don’t know if I’m ready,” she said honestly.

“Babe, healing yourself means all parts. Not just your heart or your mind, but your body. I’m not telling you to hit up bars and do the one-night stand thing. Just to start thinking about the concept.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. But I’m in no rush. You know I’ve never been one for casual. Even when I was young.”

“I know, babe,” Jolene said.

“It’s weird to think about, you know? For so long my body has been a vessel I needed to keep functioning. It’s like waking up from a long coma and re-learning not only who I am, but the feel of things. It’s like thawing out.”

“What were you before?” Jolene asked.

“Numb. Alive, but dead inside. For a long time, I wished I hadn’t made it.”

“Jesus.”

“I know it’s something no one wants to hear, but it’s my reality. I lived that, and I’m still fighting my way back. When you’ve been beaten down so hard you relinquish your will to live, it’s soul-shattering. You and my parents were the lights at the end of the tunnel. Without you guys, I don’t know if I’d be here right now.”

“Don’t say that. Give yourself credit. You’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

“I’m not sure about that.”

“I am,” Jolene said.

Estelle smiled. Her best friend loved her when she didn’t love herself.

“Thank you for that. It’s a weird time.”

“Understandable given the circumstances. I’d be worried if you were walking around like things were fine. You’re fighting your way through it, and when you get to the end, you’re going to look back and realize how resilient you are.”

“A girl can dream. Most days I feel like I’m bumbling my way through life. Speaking of, I need to get off here and get ready for class.”

“How much longer do you have?”

“Scarily enough like two weeks. Then I hit the pavement looking for a gig.”

“You give any thought to where you want to work?” Jolene asked.

“Not yet,” she replied, blatantly lying. Her sister-in-law would expect her to tend bar in a restaurant or a quaint bar and grill, but that wasn’t going to happen. She got a taste of life with the Wild Ones, and she was hungry for more. They were life, and she needed to go to the wellspring for rejuvenation. Playing darts, pool, and bantering reminded her of the things she’d loved to do before Everett entered her life. Her husband never tried to change her, but he wasn’t exactly the bar type. She’d acclimated and drifted into a new stage of her life. It was a small price to pay for gaining everything else she’d longed for in a future mate.

This time around, she’d live for herself. There was no reason to do otherwise.

“You should start scouting, see who’s hiring. Your school helps with placement, right?”

“They do. It was one of the reasons I went with them over the others out there. I’ll text you tomorrow, okay?”

“Sure thing, babe. Talk to you then.”

She hung up and found her thoughts wandering to Snake. He’d seemed sad but steady when he left the apartment last night. It wouldn’t hurt to check on him. She quickly sent a text.

~ Support checking in. How you doing today? ~ Es

~Damn, going for brownie points, Es? ~Snake

She laughed. ~
Avoiding the question? ~Es

No, enjoying busting your balls. I’m good. ~Snake

She frowned. She hated the way technology took the human aspect out of communication. She couldn’t hear his voice or see his face to read him.
I’ll let him come to me if he needs to.
She thought about her response, feeling like a teenager trying to impress someone older.

All right. Unlike some, I’m headed to school. Here after 11 if you need me ~ Es

I actually work for a living, Sprite. Maybe I’ll show you around sometime. ~ Snake

His words intrigued her. She had no clue what he did for a living. She wanted to respond with something witty, but the clock was ticking down.

§

She scowled as she sifted through her mail and found the jewelry store advertisement. Valentine’s Day was rearing its ugly head once more. Unlike some, she’d liked the holiday previously. A born romantic, she always went out of her way to plan something special for Everett. They’d had cozy nights in, extravagant dinners at expensive restaurants, weekends away, and a million other things she couldn’t bear to remember at the moment. Right now she was treading water. The walls were closing in once more as she moved into the job seeking phase with bartending, and continued to think about Snake more than she should. They’d taken to checking in with each other a few times a week.

It comforted her, knowing she had someone outside of her family who gave a shit. But it also made her feel guilty, like she was replacing Everett in some way as the main man in her life. She walked over to the couch, plopped down, and tossed her mail onto the cocktail table. She’d committed to change, but now she didn’t know who the hell she was.
Maybe that’s not such a bad thing.
She needed a sounding board, and Jolene wouldn’t be able to remain objective enough to count. It left Snake. She ran a hand through her now shoulder-length hair and closed her eyes. A faint, flickering desire to pray rose inside of her. Stunned, she sat up and looked around, almost expecting to see Jesus himself. She and the Lord had been on the outs for the past two years. The phrase ‘everything happens for a reason’ still set her teeth on edge. She’d never been mad at him for taking them. It was more about the fact that he’d left her behind.

It was the worst kind of torture. She’d spent many days asking herself what she’d done to deserve it. Nothing anyone said could make her believe it wasn’t punishment.
I’m not ready to make nice with you.
She crossed her arms beneath her breasts and ignored the niggling feeling she was in the wrong. Ignoring the conviction on her heart, she stood. Sitting at home, she’d only wind herself up tighter. Grabbing the keys she’d just plonked down onto the table, she rose and hurried out of the stifling apartment. The place seemed to grow smaller with every day that passed. She stepped out into the chilly day, grateful for the unusual sunshine. Before she always went to the Loveland Bike Trail when she needed to clear her thoughts; it was a place she and Everett frequented. Instinct guided her in that direction, but fear stopped her short. She’d avoided the walking and bike trails there like the plague because they held too many memories.

Healing means being brave and facing shit. Am I going to continue to go out of my way to not drive by a place which once held so much joy
?
No.
She made giant strides. The thought of backsliding filled her with terror. That’s how it always happened previously. She took a step back here, another there, and before she knew it, she was on her ass and ready to retreat from the world again.
This year I said I did, instead of I tried.
Determined, she continued to the car with her head held high. She understood the concept of fake it until you make it. It’d had been the only thing that had gotten her to walk into the Bartending School that first night under her own power and again when Snake invited her into the clubhouse.

Her hands shook slightly, and her brain screamed at her to abort her mission. She ignored both as she drove the familiar route. An intense sense of discomfort settled in. Her throat went dry. She swallowed and continued to push herself.
I can do this.
Twenty minutes later, the trail loomed in front of her. She stood in front of the area where the sidewalk ended and the trail began. The colors were muted. Spring had yet to truly begin and the muddy brownish-green color of the grass and leaves made the place seem cold and unwelcoming. She stepped over the crack and sucked in a deep breath.
I’m fine. The world isn’t going to end.

Like a drunk driver trying to prove sobriety, she placed one foot in front of the other and shakily navigated the yellow lined strip of concrete. With every inch she gained, the vise on her heart lessened. The world hadn’t ended, and the grief didn’t bring her to her knees. Her mission turned into an actual walk. Her muscles relaxed, and her arms swung at her sides.
Look at me, passing for normal
. Delighted by the positive turn of events, she picked up the pace, enjoying the exercise. Rounding the corner, she took in the family of three and froze. The father was tall with dark curls falling around his handsome face. A five o’clock shadow covered a strong jaw, and dark brown eyes sparkled with mirth. His wife, a petite blonde, chased their squealing daughter. The girl couldn’t be more than three or four years old at the most. A mass of dirty blonde curls tumbled around her tiny shoulders as she ran in circles.

“I’m going to get you, Emma!” the mother said.

Her stomach soured. She turned on her heel and took off the way she came, pumping her arms and legs as she put distance between herself and what might’ve been. Water distorted her vision, and she stepped off the path and into the wooded area. Hidden behind a tree, she allowed her sobs to break free.
Why? Why did this happen? Every time I pull myself up you take my legs out from under me. What did I do to deserve this?
She silently raged to the God she’d spent so many months ignoring.

Because you have to deal with all of this before you can rebuild yourself.
The words and lucidity struck lighting fast. She leaned back against the tree, stunned into stillness. There was an indiscernible feeling connected to that wayward thought which brought calm, and the beginnings of what might one day become peace.

She closed her eyes and took the chains off the box inside where she’d shoved her faith. Like a loyal friend, it was there waiting, and ready to assist her. “God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference,” she whispered.

It wasn’t a quick fix, but her burden felt lighter. The memory of her last Valentine’s Day with her husband returned, and she allowed herself to enjoy it. He’d flown in from a business trip out of town early, and surprised her with a carriage ride downtown, and dinner at their favorite steak house.
I was a very lucky woman once.
The happy times might never override the tragedy, but she cherished the newly discovered ability to remember the period before her world crashed down without falling to pieces. Lifting up her T-shirt she wiped away her tears, knowing she was stronger than she’d been when she first arrived.

§

Snake

His mind went to Es for the millionth time.
How is she handling the holiday?
Valentine’s Day tended to be a big deal for most traditional couples. He took out his cell phone and shot her a text.

Support check in. ~ Snake

I’m okay. Hit a rough patch. ~ Es

He sympathized. The first few years solo were the hardest. The time before you lost them was still fresh along with the grief, and the haze that slowed down time.

BOOK: Broken but Breathing (Jinx Tattoos Book 2)
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