Burn the Brightest (3 page)

Maybe that conversation was the reason. Maybe it was the pure glee on Jo's face as she tapped her foot to the bluegrass music concert they'd gone to.

Maybe Edith's patience just finally wore out.

Whatever it was, sitting in Jo's car outside her own apartment building, she found herself saying instead of goodnight, "Do you want to come up? I've got ice cream."

Jo's expression tipped into almost exaggerated surprise for a moment, but she rallied fast, turning the engine off and reaching into the backseat for her jacket. "I've always said every good evening should end with ice cream."

They walked up the two flights of stairs to Edith's apartment in a silence that really didn't help her suddenly churning stomach or her nervous, hummingbird thoughts.

They could just have ice cream, she rationalized. It had maybe sounded a bit too much like a come on for just friends, but she knew Jo would accept it if she gave a clear signal that the evening would be over after ice cream. Just because they hadn't ever been to each other's apartments didn't have to mean anything. They'd been friends for the better part of two months. It was about time they extended it out of the purely public arena.

Except that, when she turned from locking the door behind them, Jo was right there, far too close for just friends, and her hand on Edith's wrist was soft but close. "Tell me I'm not misreading this," Jo murmured.

"You're not," Edith said. She took a deep breath and raised one hand to rest on Jo's shoulder, feeling the warmth of her skin under her thin shirt like an electric current.

"What happened to—" Jo started, and Edith tipped her head and kissed her before she could ask, before Edith could change her mind.

She hadn't fantasized about anything with Jo, not even kissing, had forced her mind away whenever it had drifted in that direction, and so the kiss didn't have anything to live up to. That didn't make it any less enjoyable. Jo's mouth was warm and soft, opening against Edith's, moving a little as Jo adjusted for a better angle. Edith let her eyes fall closed, tightening her grip on Jo's shoulder to keep her close, and kept kissing.

When they eventually drew apart, Jo had released Edith's wrist to slide her arms round Edith's waist, and they were pressed close together.

"Hmm," Jo said, warm and happy. She was smiling, none of the usual cocky edge, and Edith smiled back, ducking in for another kiss that became several kisses. "Would it be," Jo began, drawing away to speak, then cutting herself off for another kiss, "presumptuous to ask if I get to see the bedroom?"

"You're the guest," Edith said. "It would be rude to say no."

"And you're very polite," Jo said solemnly, kissing Edith yet again.

It took them a very long time to actually make it that far.

Later, sitting pressed together in Edith's bed with bowls of ice cream, Jo slid one foot over Edith's leg and said, "I'm glad you changed your mind."

With Jo leaning against her, Edith couldn't see her face, but her voice hadn't held even a hint of curiosity. It didn't seem to matter. Edith reached over to put her bowl on the nightstand and wrapped her arms around Jo's waist.

"My mom was in the Navy," she said. She felt Jo shift like she was going to turn and held her tighter to prevent it. "I grew up on Navy bases. We moved around with her postings." She took a deep breath. "She died when I was fourteen. Her ship was on patrol, and they thought they were helping a boat in distress, but it turned out to be pirates. Three people were killed."

Jo wrapped one cold hand around Edith's and squeezed, but didn't say anything.

"Her crew was... We saw more of them after she was gone than before. I think my dad kept expecting them to stop coming around, but they never did. They just brought new people when they were transferring out."

Edith closed her eyes, turning to press her face against Jo's hair.

"That's how I met Alex. We were together through most of my first degree."

"She was killed?" Jo asked softly.

"He," Edith corrected. "I'm bi." She waited, but Jo just made a small, encouraging noise. "But, yeah, he was killed, halfway through my final year. I still don't know exactly what happened. They said it was classified. His parents—I was given the flag at the funeral. I gave it back to them." She had to stop then, remembering the sympathy on Alex's mom's face. She'd severed all contact with his family after that and still sometimes wished she hadn't. Alex's mom had never treated her so much like a daughter that it had hurt, but she'd come so close.

"I didn't want to start a collection," she said. "I didn't mean to come here, but my PhD adviser was offered a job, and she asked me to come with her. So I made a rule that I don't date active duty military personnel."

"You know most of us come home perfectly fine, right?" Jo asked gently.

"My whole childhood, my dad was waiting for that call," Edith said. "My mom loved being in the Navy. She'd never have given it up, and he didn't want her to. But he was always waiting for something bad to happen. I don't want to live like that."

"What about me?" Jo asked, her hand still tight on Edith's.

"You're a teacher," Edith said, wondering if she sounded more convincing out loud than she did in her head. "I don't worry that someone will shoot you."

There was a long, long pause, and then Jo leaned forward out of Edith's embrace to put her bowl on the floor before she twisted so that she was straddling Edith. There was something unfamiliar around her eyes, but Edith ignored it in favor of the warmth in the rest of her face, the hand cupping Edith's breast. "Want to help me burn off some of those ice cream calories?" she asked.

"I could be persuaded," Edith agreed. Particularly if it meant the conversation was over.

The next few weeks were really good, like the first few had been, but better, more touching, more kissing, more nights spent together.

Edith even agreed to go to Dan's birthday party with the rest of his unit, where normally she'd have refused, though she spent most of it pretending that she was there as Tara's friend rather than as Jo's girlfriend.

It wasn't until she turned up at Jo's apartment for dinner a couple of weeks later that it dawned on her that she'd actually relaxed, let herself believe that everything was going to be fine, that she'd been safe to take the risk.

Because Jo, leaning in the open doorway in jeans and a US Naval Academy t-shirt, looked like nothing else but someone who was trying to pretend that everything was fine, and doing a poor job of it.

"What's happened?" Edith asked, frozen in the corridor.

Jo smiled for a moment, and then let it drop, like she could feel how forced it looked. "Come inside," she said, stepping back.

Edith did, dropping her shoulder bag inside the door and bending down to unlace her boots. Jo walked away, into the kitchen, where Edith heard her open the fridge, and then the clink of glasses.

She took a deep breath and followed her. Jo had her back to Edith, pouring white wine with a steady hand. Her feet were bare, and there was no sign of any cooking happening. "What's happened?" Edith asked again.

Jo stayed still for a moment, then put the bottle down and turned, holding a glass out to Edith. When she stepped away from the counter, Edith could see a folded piece of paper there. Even though she couldn't see a logo, she thought she knew.

"We all got notified this morning," Jo said, standing in the middle of the kitchen with her glass in her hand, not quite meeting Edith's eye. "Dan's unit... I'm being re-attached to them. We're deploying next week. They weren't supposed to go yet, but—"

"Why are you going with them?" Edith asked. The wine glass in her hand was cold.

"I've got skills they need," Jo said. She shook her head a little. "I'm sorry. I can't exactly tell you what we're going to be doing or why."

"You're a teacher," Edith said stupidly. "The semester's not even half over."

"There are other Russian teachers," Jo said gently. "There aren't other people who can do what I do. Not who aren't already doing it, anyway."

Edith opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Maybe because there was nothing in her head to say.

"I'm sorry it's so sudden," Jo said. "But we knew this might happen."

"I didn't," Edith said, her throat tight. She looked away from Jo. "I thought—you said it was a two year assignment."

"Unless something came up," Jo said, still gentle. "The Navy's like that." She took a step closer to Edith. "They're holding the assignment for me for six months. I'll be back."

Edith twisted away before Jo could touch her, wine slopping from the glass and over her hand. "You can't possibly know that. I'm not an idiot. You don't get deployed on something you can't talk about for no reason."

"That doesn't mean—"

"Don't," Edith said sharply. "I told you. I said I didn't want this. I don't want to be left behind. I don't want—"

"Edith," Jo said, reaching for her again.

Edith shook her head. "I have to go," she said, fumbling her wine glass down to the counter beside her. She shoved her feet into her boots, not bothering with the laces as she grabbed her bag. Her hand was on the door knob when Jo's closed over it.

"Don't go," Jo said, right in her ear, her voice cracking. "Don't just go, Edith. Look, I know you're scared, but I'm good at what I do. We're all good. You don't have to be scared."

"Tell that to my dad," Edith said.

"I know," Jo said. "But almost all of them came home. They're still alive. This isn't a death sentence."

"Let me go," Edith said, not sure why she wasn't pushing Jo away from her.

Jo let go of her hand, but it didn't help, since she wrapped her arms around Edith's waist instead, holding her in place. "I don't want to break up over this," she said. "I love you."

"Don't say that," Edith said. She closed her eyes, wanting to cry. All those years, she should have stuck to her own damn rule.

"It's true." Jo kissed her neck, and then higher, up behind her ear. "I love you. I'll come home."

"You don't know that," Edith said, her voice cracking.

"I do," Jo said. She sucked on Edith's ear lobe softly, and then bit gently. "I do know. I love you."

"Don't," Edith said, but she turned in Jo's arms, killing her own protests as she looped her arms round Jo's neck and kissed her.

"Let's go to bed," Jo said, between kisses. "Let me take you to bed."

Edith nodded, and tried not to let the sense of finality draw her completely under.

They kissed again in Jo's bedroom, no light but the streetlight outside. Jo's hands were steady and sure as she undressed Edith, as though to make up for the way Edith's were shaking, fumbling the button fly of Jo's jeans, the clasp of her bra.

It was better when they were naked, better when she was sprawled across Jo's bed, Jo's weight on her, like she was the one who needed to be held in place, kept from getting away.

"Ssh," Jo murmured against her mouth, cupping her breast and stroking her nipple. "It's okay, I've got you."

"Don't let go," Edith said stupidly. Like she wasn't the one holding on, one arm tight around Jo's waist as she stroked her back with the other, feeling Jo shiver from skin against skin.

"I won't," Jo promised. She kissed her way down Edith's body and nudged her legs apart so she could kiss the inside of Edith's thigh, nibble at the base of her stomach until Edith urged her head down.

Jo, Edith had discovered over the past couple of months, gave great head and knew exactly where to put her mouth to drive Edith crazy in as little time as possible. It was always intense, but this time it was more so. Edith, who usually kept her hands politely fisted in the sheets, couldn't keep them out of Jo's hair, tangling and tugging and pressing.

"Sorry," she gasped, tugging too hard, feeling Jo's head jerk with it.

Jo shook her head, and then lifted up just long enough to catch Edith's eye. "Don't stop," she said, lowering her head again before Edith could say anything, and when Edith tugged again, she groaned.

Edith wanted it to last—wanted to draw it out forever, like that could change anything—but there was no way that was going to happen. All too soon, she was moaning, rocking her hips to get Jo's mouth exactly where she wanted it, and then she was there, her orgasm sweeping through her hard.

She pushed Jo's head away weakly, shuddering. Jo crawled back up her body again, sprawled over her and kissed her passionately.

"What do you want?" Edith asked, like she'd actually be able to coordinate herself to go down on Jo, if that was what Jo wanted.

"Like this," Jo said, rocking her hips against Edith's thigh. "Okay?"

"Yeah," Edith said. She pulled Jo in close, held her there as Jo rubbed off against her. She kissed her and kissed her. Even when Jo went still against her, and then shuddered and collapsed, she kept kissing her.

To her surprise, Jo dozed off, her eye lashes flickering against Edith's cheek until she went lax, breath deepening into sleep.

Edith glanced at the bedside clock—barely nine, too early to sleep, and she was getting hungry. She wasn't ready to get up though. It was nice, lying there with Jo asleep in her arms, the sweat cooling on their bodies. Jo's hair was a mess, sticking up in a dozen different directions. Edith reached one hand up, smoothing it as well as she could. She didn't want to think about how hers probably looked.

A week.

Probably a little less, since it was Friday already. Six months doing something that she couldn't talk about, something that they needed her for.

They'd talked, vaguely, about going away, once exams were over and vacation hit. Jo wanted to road trip, said she'd never seen much of the US, even though she'd been all over the world with the Navy. Edith had argued for somewhere in Europe, a chance to see more of the world than a Navy base and the surrounding streets. Not that they'd come to any decisions—she'd thought they had plenty of time.

Her throat hurt when she swallowed. She looked over at the nightstand, wondering if she could get at the glass of water sitting there without waking Jo. Sitting next to the glass was a black Sharpie. Jo kept it there for if she woke up in the night remembering something she had to do. Edith reached for it, turning it in her hand, and then pulled the cap off with her teeth. She shifted slightly, getting better access to Jo, and then, her hand perfectly steady, laid the tip of the pen against the top of Jo's spine and wrote:
I love you. Don't go.