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Authors: J. A. Kazimer

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BOOK: Curses!
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Chapter 41
A
fter leaving my princess and the moronic sheriff, I climbed the staircase, three flights in all, to Dru's princess-in-waiting room. Huffing and puffing, I knocked on the door. No answer. I knocked harder. Again nothing. However, the faint sound of crying reached my wooly ears. Pushing the door open a crack, I peeked my head in. “Dru?”
The room was dark and smelled of leg wax and burnt hair. In the corner of the bed, Dru lay curled into the fetal position, her thin arms wrapped around her body. A sob escaped her lips, sounding much like a unicorn with a cold.
I stepped closer. “Dru? Are you all right?”
“Go away,” she said, her head burrowing deeper into her blanket. She looked so helpless and small that my heart gave a squeeze. Either that or my three-story climb caused a heart attack. I inhaled deeply.
Whew, empathy, not impending death.
Shit. A shiver ran through me. When the hell did I start caring about other people's feelings? I prayed this was merely a side effect of my union curse. If not, stealing candy from babies and replacing it with plastic suckers would lose all its appeal. And what about the holidays? I lived for stabbing old people with sharpened candy canes.
Dru sniffled, dragging me from my happy place.
“Oh, honey.” I sat on the edge of her bed and patted her arm. “Tell me what's wrong. I can fix it.”
She lifted her head, exposing her tear-reddened face hidden mostly by her unibrow that had grown two sizes bigger during the night. Her tears suddenly made sense. What kind of bride wanted to look like an ogre on her wedding night?
“Oh, Dru.” Reaching for her chin, I held her face in my hands, wishing for hand sanitizer. Asia's kingdom for some freaking hand sanitizer.
Dru frowned. “What are you doing here?”
“I'm here to help you,” I said.
“But, Rabbi, I'm not Jewish.”
I pulled off the beanie, and Dru relaxed. “Oh, RJ. I'm so glad it's you. I need your help!” Her fingers dug into my forearm, leaving half-moon bruises.
Peeling her fingernails from my skin, I said, “Glad to help, but first, I need to tell you something.” She started to interrupt but I waved her off. “No. We don't have much time,” I said. “I need to say this, and you need to hear it.”
“But—”
Again I cut her off. “Dru.” I grabbed her shoulders and shook. Hard. Her eye rattled around in her head like a slot machine, finally settling in place. “Winslow is a good man.”
“I—”
“Yes, he's ugly. Really ugly. I mean, like, ugly's uglier brother.”
“That's—”
“But hairy, not-so-bright princesses can't be choosers.”
Dru frowned, the tears in her eyes drying instantly as something else took hold. Violence. I saw the same enraged look in Asia's gaze a few minutes ago.
I held up my hand to thwart her disagreement. “Yes, he is a good man. And furthermore, he is in love with you.”
“He—” she began.
“Not like Charming, whose one true love is a mirror or maybe gay porn ... anyway ... it doesn't matter. Dru,” I took a deep breath, “you and Winslow are perfect for each other.”
Mostly because no one else in their right mind would have either of them. There wasn't much call for unibrowed idiots with sibling rivalry issues, or stalker troll-like butlers in the personal ads.
Dru started at me, her mouth open, her eyes wide.
I waited for my words to sink in.
And waited.
And waited some more.
The palace clock gonged.
Below us, guests arrived for the wedding by horse and buggy (the Amish Maledettos). The clop of the horse hooves outside made Dru's silence inside almost bearable.
Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. “Ugly got your tongue?” I asked.
“I—”
“Winslow's not a great catch. I know.”
“He—”
“You're right. He's not a prince, and doesn't have a pound to his name.” I tapped my finger against my chin. “Maybe you should rethink marrying anyone ... I hear the nunnery is accepting applications... .”
Her shocked expression turned murderous. “Would you shut up for one second!”
“Hey, I'm just trying to—” I began, ducking her fist aimed at my head. I jumped off the bed and backed away slowly, my arms raised to defend my genitals. Dru rose too, all signs of sorrow gone from her butt-ugly face.
“For your information,” she spat, “any woman would be lucky to marry Winslow. He is warm, caring, and sweet.”
He also smelled of catnip, but only when it rained. Probably not something I should mention now. After all, in less than one hour, Dru would marry Charming, and my promise to Winslow would be broken. I wasn't sure how my cursed self would react. I hoped like hell that I wouldn't declare my undying love to the butler, but who knew?
“If Winslow's so great,” I grinned, “why are you marrying Charming?”
Dru choked back a sob and threw herself back on the bed. It groaned under her weight. “Because,” she said, “Winslow won't have me. I'm ugly!”
Like Winslow was a prize. Didn't the deluded princess hear anything I said? “Are you crazy?” I asked. “Winslow would die for you. He told me as much.”
Through tear-soaked eyelashes, Dru gazed at me with such hope that I felt queasy. “Do you really think so?”
“Believe it. I would never lie to you.” I winced. “Okay, I would, but not until the union reinstates me. Even then, not about true love. Villain's honor.”
The hope in Dru's face twisted into guilt. “But I'm going to marry Charming in forty-five minutes.”
“So don't. Prince Idiot doesn't deserve you.” I laughed. “Go find Winslow, and tell him that you love him.”
“I do, you know.”
Ew. “Yeah. I get it.” Beast and the Troll, a fairytale for all ugly children. I walked to the door, throwing it wide. “Don't waste a second. Go find your butler love.”
Dru nodded and struggled to her feet, her skirt swaying around her ankles. She glanced from the open door to my face and back again. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.” I smiled my encouragement.
One glass slipper slid a step toward freedom, followed by its mate.
“You go, girl.”
With the regal bearing of a queen, Dru sent me a nod of dismissal and strolled past me and out the door. I let out a sigh of relief. I really, really didn't want to declare my love to a butler, curse or not. I had standards.
Mission complete. Winslow and Dru would live uglier ever after. I prayed when the time came they'd adopt. A goldfish.
“Oh, RJ?” Dru said behind me.
Shit. “Yeah?”
“Do me a favor.” She halted. My heart hammered in my throat. Please no, don't say it, I begged. Nevertheless, the unsightly girl said it anyway: “Tell Charming I'm sorry.”
Chapter 42
T
he next hour didn't go as planned. For anyone. Charming, dressed in his perfectly tailored tuxedo, stood in front of me at the altar of the Maledetto temple, smiling like a proud papa. He looked as clueless as the day we'd met. Flowers in all shades of white, from eggshell to vanilla bean, lined the aisle. I sneezed, sending the kippah on my head bouncing up and down.
“Bless you, Rabbi,” Charming whispered.
“RJ,” I said.
“Your name's RJ too?” Charming smiled. “My best friend is named RJ. What a coincidence.”
I waved my hand to stop him, but he ignored me.
“I wish RJ was here. Not you, Rabbi, but my friend, RJ. But he can't be because he's on the run after murdering a whole bunch of people, including his ex-wife.”
“I did not—”
“He tried to kill me too. Well, he tried to burn down my house while I slept.” Charming paused in my litany of supposed evil deeds. “But he's really a great guy. You'd like him.”
“I—”
“That is, if you ever have a chance to meet him. Since he's on the run from the sheriff after killing all those poor people, I doubt you will, but maybe someday ...”
The king walked by us, effectively shutting up Prince Motormouth. The poor king looked rumpled and smelled of Bengay. He pushed passed us and took his seat next to a very angry queen.
She hissed, “You smell like feet.”
The king blushed.
I shushed the unhappy couple, once again trying to tell Charming about Dru's decision not to marry him. The queen quieted instantly, a flush of red staining her already ruby cheeks. The king, on the other hand, started to rise from his seat, boiling me in oil with his eyes. I glanced around to make sure no one was looking and then lifted the beanie from my head. The king relaxed.
“Knew it was you,” he whispered.
The queen rolled her eyes, but didn't comment.
The temple door opened. I shoved the beanie back on my head. The sheriff walked in, arm in arm with my princess. Asia wore a serene smile and a bridesmaid's dress of the brightest jade. The color matched her flame-colored hair and attitude perfectly. My legs started to move of their own volition. I took a step toward her, wanting nothing more than to scoop her into my arms and run, not walk, to the nearest tower.
Bruce's thick fingers curled around Asia's upper arm. Jealous rage filled me. Nobody touched my princess. My vision went red. My hands fisted. I would kill the sheriff, and then I would kill him all over again. And again.
Third time's a charm.
Asia giggled, and like an elixir, my rage dampened at the sound. Get a grip, I reminded myself. There was work to be done. First, I had to tell Charming that Dru ran off with the butler. And while he was recovering from the shock, I needed to find a way to free Asia.
Not to mention unmask a killer, which by this time seemed like an endless process. Hell, I was ready to throw in the towel, accuse Charming out of hand, and get the hell out of Maledetto. After all, Charming had likely committed some misdeed in his charmed life—definitely, if one considered stupidity a crime.
Asia and Bruce arrived at the altar. My eyes drank in the Popsicle-icious sight of her. My body hardened. Charming cleared his throat, a signal to start the Wedding March. The first tinkling of “I Wanna Hold Your Hand, but Nothing Else” began.
“Charming,” I called. “Wait.”
All eyes turned toward the back of the church.
Nothing happened.
The song ended.
Charming's smile faltered. He cleared his throat again. The organ player sighed, but did as ordered. Again, music boomed from the instrument. This time about half the people in the temple turned to the door.
Again, Dru failed to appear.
Asia caught my eye, nodding toward Charming. I shrugged. She shook her head, as if disgusted by the male species. “Tell him,” she mouthed.
“I tried,” I mouthed back.
She rolled her eyes. “Some villain you are,” she said, and then cleared her throat to gain Charming's attention. He glanced her way, his smile growing wider. “I'm sorry, Charming.” Asia grimaced. “Dru left.”
“Left?” Charming tilted his head like a puppy. “Left what? I'm sure if we all try we can find whatever she misplaced.” As his words trailed off, he dropped to his knees, running his fingers along the carpet. “Come on, help me look,” he said to the wedding guests. They stared back at him in horror.
Only the ever-faithful Bruce willingly fell to his knees to aid Charming in his search. Unfortunately, Asia, handcuffed to the sheriff, fell to her knees too. The side of her tight bridesmaid dress split wide open, showing off pale perfect skin. Pale perfect skin of
my princess!
I ran down the pulpit steps and lifted Asia to her feet, trying to block her exposed parts with my beanie. Thanks to Newton's Third Law and a pair of steel bracelets, the sheriff bounded to his feet as well.
“Hey, it's you,” he said, waving his uncuffed arm in my face. “You are under arrest!”
I punched him in the nose.
In hindsight, punching the guy handcuffed to my ladylove wasn't the best move, for a couple of reasons. But mainly because the sheriff flew backward, landing three pews into the vestibule. Asia, of course, followed, her legs dangling in the air, her dress sliding down her body and over her head. Jade panties peeked out from between her long legs. I winced at her shrieks of anger, which grew louder as the seven dwarfs started to wolf-whistle in appreciation.
Asia righted herself soon enough with the help from a much-too-eager henchman. The sheriff struggled to his feet too. I glanced between the still-crawling prince, the bloody and annoyed sheriff, and my nearly naked princess. For once in my life, I wanted to stay, to save the day, to right the wrongs, even those I caused. Nonetheless, one look into Asia's burning eyes suggested I save myself from her wrath first and foremost.
“Now, Asia ... ,” I said.
“Get out of here.
Now
.”
And I did, thanks in part to her order and my own well-developed sense of self-preservation. I ran toward the temple doors as if the devil himself was on my rabbi tails. Of course, it was merely the sheriff and his brand-new stun gun, which only felt like the fires of hell chasing me. My beanie flew out of my hand, causing the sheriff to dive for cover behind a pew of elderly guests. This allowed me enough time to hop the prone, prostrating prince and make a clean getaway.
Sort of.
I ran from the church and into the forest, deeper and deeper, until nothing looked even vaguely familiar. Then, and only then, did I stop to catch my breath, which led to a small nap, and eventually the dream ...
 
I was standing at an altar dressed in the finest tuxedo I could steal. Next to me, in a gown of shimmering white, Asia stood with a veil over her beautiful face. In my dream, I vowed to love, honor, and obey her until my death. The priest pronounced us husband and wife, and it was time to kiss my bride. I lifted the veil from her face, and screamed, and screamed, and screamed some more....
 
I awoke soaked in a cold sweat. The nightmare of Charming's moronic and oddly furry face underneath Asia's veil was one I wouldn't soon forget. A shiver ripped through me.
Picking myself up off my forest bed, I brushed at the pine needles clinging to my clothes, shedding them like the remnants of my dream. Impotent guilt, I thought. I failed to honor my promise to Dru to tell Charming about her abrupt departure, so the nightmare was union payback.
Still, a piece of me wondered if the guilt was my own. I could've saved Charming from the public embarrassment of being left at the altar. But true to my villainous self, I didn't. I smiled at the thought. Maybe my curse was finally withering.
“Fudge,” I screamed into the silent forest. “Fork. Forget-me-not!”
Or not.
Damn.
“Did you say something about teeth?” a chick in a red hood asked from behind a tree. She looked no older than ten, dressed in scarlet and carrying a blood-soaked ax. Not someone to be messed with.
“Sorry. Must've been someone else.” I smiled and took a couple of steps back. “You know how the forest can echo.”
“My, what big feet you have.” Her eyebrows rose.
“Yeah. Ummm ... look, kid,” I began and then took off running. I'd read the
New Never News
articles about a little red-hooded serial killer too many times to be her eighth victim.
I barreled my way through the forest, leaping over downed logs and ducking dive-bombing bluebirds. High-pitched, insane laughter followed me no matter how fast I ran.
“My, my, what big ears you have!”
I doubled my speed.
“My, my, what big eyes you have!”
Terror gave me added strength to run even faster.
“My, my, what short legs you have!”
I pulled to a stop. “Hey, my legs are not short. They're average for a man of my size.”
“Average for a short man maybe.” The crazy red-hooded bitch laughed. An ax flew over my head, missing my scalp by inches. It planted itself in a tree. Another burst of laughter followed.
Fuck it. Now wasn't the time to discuss the relativity of stature and the evils of the metric system. I took off running again, ducking and weaving through the Enchanted Forest like a big, not-so-nice wolf with a basket of fresh-baked goodies on his way to visit his nana.
No matter how fast I ran, the red-hooded chick stayed right on my heels. I had to find a place to hide, somewhere that the crazy bitch would never find me. Ah, there, on the right. The pond where I'd first met Dru.
Lungs bursting, I dove into a slime-coated pond with a splash. The water rippled and then settled, hiding me from my would-be ax murderer not yet tall enough to ride the Tea Toddler at Feyland. Above me, her apple-cheeked reflection danced across the water, the shine of her ax glowing like a beacon.
Trust me, the irony wasn't lost on me. There I was, a world-famous villain, hiding from a little girl in red tights. Pathetic. No wonder the union gave me the boot.
BOOK: Curses!
4.39Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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