Authors: J. A. Kazimer

Tags: #Fantasy

Curses! (26 page)

BOOK: Curses!

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Chapter 2

A
half an hour later, Karl, Elly, and I arrived outside Princess Beauty's bedroom. I fingered the tie around my neck and frowned. This was it. I was about to meet my future bride, a woman who'd either ultimately save or destroy me. With the way my luck was running, my money was on the latter.

“Prince Jean-Michel La Grenouille.” Karl announced my arrival in a shout.

“Who?” asked the crusty-faced butler.

Karl sighed. “The Frog Prince. Not that he's a frog. Or ever was a frog. He's just French. Not a frog!”

I closed my eyes and shook my head. Sometimes Karl went overboard in his quest to keep my past a secret. I couldn't blame him. Even my own father refused to accept my early tadpole-hood. Instead of admitting it, he'd concocted a French ancestry complete with noble crest. In his mind, insulting an entire culture beat his only son's greenish past. I played along. Mostly.

“I repeat, he's not a frog.” Karl bowed low and motioned me into the room. “Never was.”

I stepped through the ornate doors of Lazy Beauty's bedroom and frowned. Not at the wasted opulence of the gold-plated ceiling or even the pink shag carpeting thick enough to drown a blind mouse, but at the blond woman sleeping on the silk sheets of a four-poster bed. The woman wore enough flannel to make a lesbian jealous, not to mention a pink-colored bicycle helmet fit for a child.

This was the One?

Shit.

Plotting my escape, I gauged the distance from myself to the door. Window or door? I considered each. The door held the most appeal, since the risk of fracturing my leg as I flew through it was considerably less than option number two. I decided to keep my optionsâand the windowâopen, though.

One never knew.

Elly must've read my mind because she grabbed my arm and tugged me deeper into the room. “Well hello,” Elly called to the princess. The princess didn't seem to hear her. Instead, she let out a loud snore. “My lady,” Elly tried again, adding a finger wave. “Yoo hoooo.”

When we reached the edge of the bed the princess shot up and screeched like the Wicked Witch of the East after the fall of the housing market. I jumped back, nearly toppling over Elly, who now lay sprawled on the floor, her wings twisted underneath her body.

“Wrong. Wrong. Wrong,” Beauty shouted. “He did it all wrong.”

I glanced around, unsure. Was Beauty sleepy and a wee bit crazy? The helmet was a pretty clear indication, but still.

Helping Elly to her feet, I raised a hand for quiet. Of course, Beauty continued to scream, her pale face growing red. The screeching sounded familiar, like that of the four-year-old girl. That made me less than pleased. I didn't want to marry this helmet-wearing crazy woman.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I yelped after a particularly loud burst of squealing. Elly shushed me, and when that didn't work, she smacked me in the head with the sharp edge of her wand. I glared at her, but said no more.

“He did it wrong,” Beauty sobbed again.

“Hush,” an arrogant voice from across the room chirped. “It will be all right.”

Squinting into the harsh glare of sunlight drifting through the windows, I tried to place the voice. There, in the corner by the bookcase, stood a cockroach wearing a top hat and a monocle. He twirled an umbrella and grinned.

“Jimmy?” Elly said in a whisper. “Is that you?”

“You know that ... thing?” I asked, nodding to the roach. Elly got around, sure, but a cockroach? Then again, who was I to judge? I was about to marry a cranky lesbian in a helmet. Did they make white flannel wedding gowns?

Elly smiled at the roach and then turned to frown at me. “That's not a thing, but a who. Jimmy Cockroach. Marriage broker to the stars. If he doesn't find you suitable to marry Beauty,” ever the drama fairy, Elly hesitated for a second before continuing, “we're screwed.”

“A roach decides my fate?” I gave a bitter laugh. “You've gotta be fucking with me.”

Jimmy glared at me as if he'd overheard our heated exchange. Elly bowed low. “My apologies, Jimmy. Jean-Michel's a bit nervous, as you can imagine. Meeting Beauty has been a dream of his for a very long time.”

Now she got my name right?

“He did it wrong,” Beauty repeated. “Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.”

“What's she babbling about?” I asked the roach.

He heaved a long sigh. “There are rules, my boy. Undeniable rules when it comes to arranging a union.” His voice grew higher as he warmed to the topic. “In Beauty's tale consistency is key. And you failed to follow the script. There will be no marriage.”

With that decree, the little bastard jumped from the bookcase and disappeared into a hole in the wall. Beauty stopped whining and settled back against her pillow. In a few seconds a soft snore escaped her lips.

“What the hell was that?” I spun to confront Elly.

She frowned. “Shame on you, Johnny. You broke the poor girl's heart. Now she'll never marry you, and you'll turn back into a toad.”

“Frog,” I reminded her. “But that's not what's important here. What the hell happened? What could I have possibly done wrong? I didn't say a word to the chit.”

Elly shook her head, sending her glittery silver hair bouncing in all directions. “It's not what you said; it's what you didn't do.”

“Fine.” I released a harsh breath. “Tell me what I didn't do, and I'll do it.”

“Too late.” The roach reappeared, this time wearing a greatcoat. “In Beauty's fable, her prince arrives and is stunned by her beauty, so much so that he drops to his knees.” He shook his head. “You didn't. Hence you are not her prince. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have another applicant coming at three.”

“This is ridiculous.” I glared at the roach. “The king gave me his blessing last night. Beauty and I will wed in ten days. With or without your approval.”

“Good luck with that.” The roach snorted.

“Heyâ”

“Good day, sir.” He spun on his Kenneth Cole heel.

“Wait!” Elly yelled loud enough to wake the dead. The helmet-wearing Beauty let out another volley of snores. “Johnny will get it right. Just give him another chance.”

Jimmy checked the small watch on one of his six legs and frowned. “Fine. He has two minutes. Go!”

I shook my head. “I'm not dropping to my knees. Not for you or any man.” I winced. That had sounded much better in my head. “You and your lazy princess can bite me.” I nodded to Elly. “We're outta here.”

I started to walk away, but inside I was seething. Beauty was the girl-child from the pond. I was almost positive of it. She had the same blond hair; the same grape-colored eyes, and she smelled a little like wet dog. How many princesses could there be like that?

I couldn't just walk away. Not after I finally located my wayward princess. But I'd never bend, literally, to her will. I was the Frog Prince, damn it.

Thwack!

Elly's wand smashed into the back of my knee, and I dropped to the floor in pain. Manly tears burned my eyes, but I blinked them away. “What the hell did you do that for?” I yelled at the fairy godmother innocently picking lint from her dress.

“Do what, dear?” She batted her eyelashes.

I glared at her; a volley of curse words charged up my throat. But before I could utter a single one of them, a loud choked gasp filled the room.

My eyes flew to Beauty, who'd awoken in time to see me drop to my knees. Her lollipop eyes grew as big as stars. “You ... ,” she whispered, her voice tart as if she'd swallowed a lemon.

“I ... ah ...”

Jimmy Cockroach interrupted my rambling. He nodded and smiled. “To the happy couple!”

KENSINGTON BOOKS are published by

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ISBN: 978-0-7582-7812-8

BOOK: Curses!

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