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Authors: J. A. Kazimer

Tags: #Fantasy

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BOOK: Curses!
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Chapter 5
A
sia gasped, but the detective just raised an eyebrow. Everyone's a critic. I motioned to him and waited. His accusations weren't long in coming.
“Now wait a damn minute,” he sputtered. “How does a bluebird equal murder? You're insane. We have eyewitnesses who saw the whole thing. Cinderella stepped off the curb. Nobody pushed her.”
I shrugged. “You're right. She wasn't pushed. The bluebird distracted her, and she, being a princess,” I glanced over at Asia with an apologetic smile, “followed the bird into the street. It's a typical villain ploy.”
“A villain did this?” Asia's hand flew to her throat. “But why? How?”
I winced, unsure what villainous codes I violated by repeating the age-old “trick a stupid princess into the street” ploy. But since she had asked, I had no choice but to tell her. Everything. Damn it. “It's simple, really. Princesses cannot resist bluebirds. It's a widely known fact.” I looked to Asia for agreement. She nodded, and I continued. “So a villain buys and trains a bluebird, and voilà, the princess steps into the street.”
“But how do you know she didn't just follow some random bluebird into the path of the bus?” The detective scratched his whiskered chin like a chimp. “How can you know for sure it was murder?”
I raised an eyebrow. “What month is it?”
Asia answered for him. “October.”
“What's that got to do with anything?” the detective said.
I raised my finger to my mouth, licked it, and held it up to the cool afternoon air like I'd seen the fake thick-mustached PI, Belle, and her effeminate boyfriend, the Beast, do on TV.
What can I say? I'm a product of the television generation. Plus, villains had a lot of downtime, and TV reruns helped us pass the time while recovering from broken limbs, busted facial bones, and the occasional hernia. Villainy wasn't anything like they promised in the recruitment brochures.
Asia looked at me and then at my finger, which was still hovering in the air. “Well?”
“What?” I frowned. “Oh, right. Cinderella's murder. In answer to the detective's question, bluebirds, like their blue-winged counterpart, the peacock, leave New Never City for the outer kingdoms at the first hint of fall. Usually sometime around September first.”
The detective stared at me, his wide mouth open big enough to catch fairies. “So it's true. A villain murdered the sweet princess.”
“No.”
“What?!” The detective wagged his fist at me. “You just said so.”
“No, I didn't.” I turned to face Asia and whispered loud enough for the detective to hear. “Someone should IQ test these guys before giving 'em a badge.”
Asia bit her lip. “In all fairness, you did imply a villain was responsible for Cinderella's misfortune.”
“Oh, all right. I'll spell it out for him.” I faced the detective and smiled before explaining, very slowly, in short sentences. “Cinderella's killer wasn't a villain. But he is a ... jerk. One who wants to smear the bad name of villains everywhere.”
“I get it.” Asia nodded when I finished. “A villain would've boasted of his dirty deed, not tried to pass it off as an accident. So if it wasn't a villain, who was it?”
“I don't know.” My eyes roamed over her face, sliding lower, cupping the curves of her body. When my gaze reached the glob of dried egg yolk on the strap of her gold slipper, my eyes lifted to hers. Her irises sparkled with hidden, dark knowledge, and a shiver ran up my spine. “Why don't you tell me?”
Her hand fluttered to her ample chest. “What? You think that I had something to do with my sister's death?”
“Step—” I started to correct her.
“How dare you!” She spun on her heel, and then must've thought better of it, because she turned back to face me. Tears welled in her eyes. She wiped them away with the back of her hand. But when she spoke, her voice lacked any emotion. “If I killed Cindi, why would I ask for your help?”
Good question. One I didn't have the answer for just yet, but I suspected I'd find out soon enough.
 
An hour later, I shoved the last of my clean T-shirts into a duffel bag and tossed the bag over my shoulder. Asia stood highlighted in my apartment doorway, her eyes shifting up and down the hallway. Probably waiting for the egg cops to show up and arrest her.
She took a sip from the steaming cup of Wish Upon a Starbucks and grinned at me over the rim. “I really appreciate your doing this,” she said. “Not many men would help a damsel like me solve a murder, let alone travel across the land in hope of catching a killer.”
“What can I say?” I shrugged my shoulder, jarring the duffel bag. “I'm dedicated.” That and I hoped to see her naked sometime in the near future, which, of course played the bigger role in my decision to travel to the kingdom of Maledetto. But if I happened to catch a murderer while there, so be it. That's what henchmen called multitasking.
“Do you honestly think someone from Maledetto killed Cindi?” Asia asked. I nodded, and Asia shook her head. “But why? Everyone loved her. And that's not an exaggeration.”
Even though her words sounded right, Cinderella's pancaked body gave me the distinct impression a few people in the kingdom weren't in the everyone category. After all, someone had crushed the pretty, pretty princess so widely loved under a bus.
“Exaggeration or not, when you're looking for a killer,” I grinned, tapping my heels together, “there's no place like home.”
Chapter 6
A
sia and I arrived at the kingdom of Maledetto around two in the afternoon as the sun started to duck behind the pointy turrets and gleaming gold of the castle. I glanced at Asia for an explanation for the incoming darkness surrounding only the castle. The rest of the kingdom appeared unaffected by the setting sun. Odd, to say the least.
“Cursed,” she said.
Fair enough.
I grabbed my bag from the trunk of the Ford Pumpkin and followed Asia up the yellow brick path to her childhood palace. The place reeked of wealth, from the golden doorknobs attached to every door to the diamond-encrusted chandelier, bigger than my apartment, hanging in the foyer.
I gazed up at the shining diamonds and thought, my kingdom for a ladder. I brushed off my thieving instincts when a butler dressed in black stepped from the shadows. He resembled a troll, but without the dramatic flair, his face small and round with large eyes and an upper-crust sneer.
“Sir? I'm Winslow, the butler.” He gestured to my duffel bag with a snicker. “May I take your things?”
I nodded, ignoring the desire to scream, “The butler did it.” Hell, for all I knew he did kill Cinderella, which would leave me out of a job or any chance of getting into Asia's chastity belt. And I really, really wanted to unlock that particular mystery.
“Thanks, mate. We'll chat later.” Shifting my burden to Winslow's capable arms, I followed Asia farther into the castle. My lust for her increased with her every step as her leather-clad hips strained against the material. To take my mind off their sway I studied the palace hallway. Paintings lined the walls, as did antique furniture and polished suits of armor. The thick carpet swallowed our steps. A girlish golden harp sat in the corner of the hallway, her eyes watching me with suspicion. This place was a villainous fantasy come true—riches beyond compare and a princess to boot. The scent of wealth and pie drifted around us. I smiled happily.
We drifted farther down the long golden corridor, Asia leading the way, her legs just as long and golden. I watched with true reverence. The kind reserved for the Sunday afternoon hare races. When she paused outside a large ornate door, I asked, “Why'd you ever leave here? This place is amazing.”
Asia's eyes burned with something I couldn't decipher. Something dark and dangerous, and not at all appealing. I shivered in the temperature-controlled palace.
“Wait for it,” Asia said, and a second later, a woman screamed. The noise was followed by a loud crash. I winced, the pitch grating on my nerves. The noise didn't appear to bother Asia, though. She took my hand, plastered a smile on her face, and pushed through the door.
“Time to meet our number one suspects, or as I call them, Mom and Dad.”
The door opened and we stood in the center of a large, dark room filled with books. Unread books, by the look of them. They sat on the shelves in perfect alphabetical order, not a spine out of place. Tomes as old as time, but maybe not as old as the lady in the painting over the fireplace. She made the old woman who lived in a shoe look young.
The framed portrait glared down at us, passing judgment. If the look on the woman's face was an indication, she was also passing a kidney stone the size of a golden goose.
“The first Lady Maledetto and Cinderella's mother.” Asia pointed to the painting and then gestured to the couch in the center of the room. “My mother is the king's second wife. The second Lady Maledetto.”
I gazed into the shadows where Asia had pointed, finally noticing the two people on the couch. Asia closed the door behind us, and a cloud of dust shifted around the room.
I sneezed.
“Bless you.”
“That's just what I need,” I muttered to myself, my eyes studying Asia's parents. A wolf pelt lay at their feet, its eyes fixed. Sharp rows of teeth gleamed in the dim light.
But that wasn't the weird thing.
Nope, the housecoat and hair rollers attached to the wolf's fur won that honor, hands down. I frowned, my eyes narrowing. The wolf in drag looked an awful lot like my nana.
Next to Grandma Wolf sat a pile of shattered hand mirrors. My face reflected back to me in the thousands of shards of glass on the floor. Suddenly I wanted nothing more than to grab Asia and run from this place.
“The Big Bad one himself.” King Maledetto jabbed a finger at the pelt on the floor. The king's grey beard shook with each word. “Got him right between the beady eyes. One shot.”
“Congratulations,” I said, unsure of what else to say. I wasn't much for shooting animals, especially fellow villainous ones. Now, give me a clean shot at a white knight ...
“Dad.” Asia gestured to the brave hunter / king, and to her mother seated so primly next to him. “Mother. I'd like you to meet a friend of mine. A duke,” she motioned to me, “Duke ...”
“RJ. I go by RJ,” I said when she paused.
“Yes.” Asia grinned as if we shared a secret. “Meet Duke RJ.”
Asia's mother, Lady Maledetto, rose from the sofa with a regal air, the look of welcome vanishing from her face at my assumed title. After all, a princess, even an ugly one, needed a prince, not some duke with delusions of grandeur and initials for a name.
I smiled my most charming smile and studied Lady Maledetto. Asia resembled her in many ways, the red hair and pert nose, not to mention the smoking-hot body. By all accounts, King Maledetto had married up. How had Cinderella avoided her true mother's ugly genetic fate? It wasn't like the king was anything to look at, with his grey hair, beard, and mead gut that spilled over his belt like a muffin.
“Duke RJ.” Lady Maledetto held out her hand. “It's a pleasure to meet you. My daughter's,” she glared at Asia, “told us so much about you.”
Liar, liar, pants on fire. I checked to make sure her nose hadn't grown before clasping her hand in mine. “Thank you, madam.” I slowly bent to kiss her knuckles like I'd seen plenty of princes do. Somehow, I slipped into the role of Duke RJ without even trying. Must have something to do with the “nice” clause. Fucking union. “It's a pleasure to be here, but under the most tragic of circumstances.” Lady Maledetto stared blankly at me, so I added, “Cinderella's death. I'm sorry for your loss.”
“Oh. That.” She waved her hand in the air between us, probably calling her legion of killer bluebirds. “Yes, it's a sad time for us all. Honey,” she pointed to the king, “say hello to Asia's friend.”
The older man shuffled from the couch. “Duke, was it?”
“If Asia says so.” I nodded, my eyes never wavering from his face. “But feel free to call me RJ, or whatever you like.” I grinned. “Most people do.”
“So what brings you to our fair kingdom?” Like any good father, the old king regarded me with suspicion through narrowed eyes. The kind learned by men at a very young age. We were not to be trusted around beautiful women. Ever.
“Daddy,” Asia started to interrupt.
I held up my hand to stop her. “Well, sir, Asia asked me to, so here I am. Your daughter—”
“Stepdaughter,” the king and his wife said in a freakishly similar manner.
“Stepdaughter,” I corrected, “is very persuasive.”
The king nodded in apparent male understanding of the inner workings of the illogical female brain. Asia looked as if she wanted to scream. On the other hand, her mother just beamed at the clueless king, and then her attention returned to me.
“You must be starving after your long journey,” the queen said. “I'll ask Winslow to ask Cook to have one of the maids deliver some sandwiches to your room.”
My stomach growled, reminding me of my aborted breakfast attempt. The thought of bread, meat, and a selection of cheese excited me much more than it should. “That sounds grea—”
“No, thanks,” Asia interrupted. “RJ's not hungry, and I'm on a diet.”
“Of course you are, dear.” The queen nodded as if the shapely princess next to me needed to lose a hundred pounds. If anything, Asia was far too thin. I preferred my victims a tad meatier, but I knew, perhaps better than anyone did, how mothers could be. Mine, to this day, insisted on holding my hand when we crossed the street. Nice at ten. A bit creepy at twenty-eight.
“I promised RJ a tour of the kingdom.” Asia nodded in my direction. “So we better get started.”
Lady Maledetto beamed. “Have fun.”
“Thanks,” I said, bowing at the waist like a fool. “It's been a pleasure—”
“Yes, well ... ,” Lady Maledetto interjected, catching Asia's eye. “Make sure you stop over at Charming's place.”
I raised a questioning eyebrow at Asia. She responded with a drawn-out sigh. Lady Maledetto ignored her daughter's look, and instead patted Asia's arm, causing the poor, un-ugly girl to wince. “Maybe you should wash up first.” The queen fingered a strand of Asia's fiery hair. “Do your hair. Put on some makeup.” Her plumped eyelashes batted against her porcelain cheeks. “After all, the prince is back on the market.”
BOOK: Curses!
10.75Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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