Death by Misadventure: 210 Dumb Ways to Die (4 page)

70. Recipe for Disaster:
Pour alcohol and two quarrelling lovers into a fast-moving pickup
truck. Deborah Bayne, 31, was returning from a night of bar hopping
and was seated on the lap of her boyfriend in the passenger seat.
When an argument ensued, she decided it was time to leave and
jumped out the door. The initial search by her boyfriend, the
driver, and some neighbors was unsuccessful. The sheriff’s
department found Bayne’s body tangled in weeds in a ditch several
hours later.
Akron Beacon Journal, May
19, 1995

Autoerotic Fatalities.
There are over 150 published cases of people who have died
accidentally while masturbating or otherwise pleasuring themselves.
It is estimated that at least 50, and as many as 1000 such deaths,
occur each year in the United States. These “autoerotic fatalities”
happen in secluded locations and usually involve adult men using a
variety of dangerous means to restrict the flow of oxygen to the
brain (e.g., self-hanging, suffocation with a plastic bag, inhaling
toxic substances). The resulting hallucinatory state of
near-suffocation apparently enhances the sexual experience, but is
impossible to control with any degree of safety. Death typically
results when the participants’ safety devices fail. The next ten
stories present some less common examples of autoerotic
fatalities:

71. The Love Bug.
A 40-year-old airline pilot and Korean War veteran had a fatal
attachment to his 1968 Volkswagen Beetle. It seems he enjoyed
chaining himself by the neck to the rear bumper and running naked
behind the vehicle. The automatic transmission was set to low gear
and the steering wheel was tied off so the car moved in continuous
counterclockwise circles. Somehow the chain accidentally got
wrapped around the bug’s rear axle, pulling the pilot against the
left rear fender and choking the life out of him. The pilot was
married and the father of two children.
Journal of Forensic Sciences (1972) Volume 18

72. Nerd Love.
A 42-year-old successful engineer who lived with his parents
accidentally hung himself on a backhoe he called, “Stone.” The
engineer had previously sent friends photographs of Stone along
with love poetry he had written about his beloved piece of heavy
equipment.
Journal of Forensic
Sciences (1993) Volume 38-2

73. Vacuum Attachment.
A 77-year-old widower had a fatal heart attack during a ménage à
trois with his hair dryer and vacuum
cleaner.
Pathology (1994) Volume
26

74. Kinky Acres.
A 62-year-old farmer who suspended himself by the ankles from the
shovel of his tractor was crushed when his safety device (a 5-foot
length of lumber) broke. The farmer was found dressed in women’s
panties and shoes with 8-inch heels.
Journal of Forensic Sciences (1993) Volume 38-2

75. Vegan Deep Throat.
A 29-year-old unemployed man choked to death while simulating
fellatio on a zucchini from his wife’s garden. The fellow actually
died on his neighbors’ doorstep after frantically gesturing for
help. The neighbors could not see, nor were they able to dislodge,
the vegetable.
Pathology (1994) Volume
26

76. Electric Shmuck.
A 32-year-old Australian miner living in the men’s dorm of a work
camp electrocuted himself when he wrapped one end of a necklace
around his penis and connected the other end to a live electrical
cord. The miner had apparently learned this technique of
self-gratification while working overseas where the electrical
current was 110 volts, half the voltage of
Australia.
Pathology (1994) Volume
26

77. Nature Lover.
A self-employed married father of three with a post-graduate
education died from exposure when he could not free himself from
his bondage gear. The man, in his fifties, was found in his
underwear hanging upside down from the limb of a tree in an
elaborate, but badly designed, system of nylon ropes. It is
theorized that exhaustion from trying to extricate himself hastened
his death.
Medicine and the Law (1982)
Volume 1

78. Copy Cats.
At least two people (a teenage boy and a 38-year-old man) with no
prior history of autoerotic activity died after copying the
techniques discussed on a television talk
show.
Journal of Forensic Science
(1988 & 1989) Volumes 33 & 34

79. Alligator Snitches.
One young man enjoyed administering mild shocks to his genitals
using the transformer from an electric train set. The last time he
did this, the transformer failed, electrocuting him with the full
household voltage. Finding their son’s body in such a shocking
state, the man’s family hid the transformer and other
paraphernalia. The embarrassed parents admitted their deception
when gently questioned by the police about the marks on their son’s
foreskin that were obviously left by alligator
clips.
Dead Men Do Tell Tales,
1994

80. Vicar ious Stupidity.
Reverand Paul De Fortis, 53, of London, England, accidentally hung
himself while acting out a solitary sexual fantasy. His shackled
and naked body was found suspended over his four poster bed by a
chain and black leather collar.
Reuters, March 9, 1992

Snakes, UFO’s & Other
Nonsense

81. Rednecks and Rattlesnakes.
In January 1995, a 40 year old Georgia man became the
74th person to die from ritual snake handling. A number of small
evangelical churches in the Appalachian states interpret a passage
in the Book of Luke (16:17 18) as a commandment to handle
serpents. The death of some handlers does not seem to deter others.
They rationalize a death as the result of a lack of divine
"anointing", a momentary lapse of focus, or a test of faith.
Funerals for those lost to snake bite also include snake handling.
As one young snake handler who lost his uncle explains, "I believe
there always will be snake handling. It's just part of the Bible.
He told us to do it.'
Columbus
Ledger Enquirer, March 11, 1995

82. E.T. Call Back!
Laverne
Landis, 48, had received a message from “some higher power” to
drive to a desolate road in rural Minnesota and await further
instructions. Landis and a friend waited... for 4 weeks, living on
vitamins and lake water. When the vigil seemed to be taking its
toll on Landis, her younger male companion went for help. Rescuers
were too late; Landis had died from a combination of dehydration,
starvation and hypothermia.
Miami
Herald, November 19, 1982

83. Loser Dad.
A year after his 12-year-old son successfully sued him for
“divorce”, Ralph Kingsley, 35, killed himself in a bizarre
accident. To relieve stress, the unemployed Kingsley liked to go
outside his Missouri apartment and fire his semi-automatic 9mm hand
gun. On this occasion, according to his girlfriend and Kansas City
Police, Kingsley’s gun got tangled in the pocket of his sweat shirt
and went off, inflicting a fatal stomach
wound.
Akron Beacon Journal, January
12, 1993

84. Caught Dead.
A priest from Albuquerque was found dead in an adult bookstore in
Minneapolis. Father Eugene Schwartzenberger, 53, had just enjoyed a
few of the in-store movies when he slipped and hit his head on the
way up a flight of stairs. The Catholic cleric died hours later
from the swelling of his brain.
Saint
Paul Pioneer Press, November 4, 1988

85. Friends.
In late 1979, one young military washout attended the birthday
party of an ex-convict friend in Florida. The washout became quite
jealous and begged his friend to let him wear the .357 magnum the
ex-con received as a gift. Playing with the gun the washout
accidentally shot himself in the head. Instead of reporting the
shooting, the partygoers decided to put the deceased into a
sleeping bag and bury him at the county line. Word of the shooting
soon got out and the ex-con was under suspicion for murder because
he and his drinking buddies could not relocate the burial site. The
body was finally unearthed one year later. An autopsy confirmed
that the fatal gunshot wound was
self-inflicted.
Dead Men Do Tell
Tales, 1994

86. DIE it.
Leslie Eaton, 29, of Droitwich, England, died of heart failure
while asleep. The investigating pathologist, however, ruled that
the 6'1" woman died because she was too good at dieting.
Apparently, Eaton had lost 70 pounds over the last 5 months of her
life bringing her weight down to 168 pounds. The coroner suggested
that Eaton must have nearly starved herself to lose that much
weight and said that the loss was too quick for a woman of Eaton's
size. Eaton won several local diet contests just prior to her
death.
Associated Press, September 12,
1985

87. Surprise Visit.
Inexplicably, 31 year old, Rocky Benedetto, tried to
climb into a ground floor window at his father's suburban home near
Rochester, New York. Rocky's body was found by his father wedged
into a 9 inch opening, his feet hanging 18 inches from
the ground. Rocky was suffocated by the tight squeeze. The man’s
father was especially puzzled because he had given Rocky his own
key to the house.
Associated Press,
December 3, 1988

88. Nirvana Reduction Plan.
George Kojoree, 41, a Ghanaian student at England's Southampton
University, died from fasting. Kojoree accidentally starved while
trying to reach greater spiritual awareness. Kojoree's body was
found in his dormitory room about five days after he died from
emaciation and chromium poisoning. Chromium is a substance found in
meal replacements.
Independent,
October 22, 1993

89. Bash and Blast.
Pepper Rock, 33, got into a heated argument at a party and finally
pulled out his shotgun. The other combatant got in his car to drive
away when Rock used the butt of the shotgun to smash the man's
windshield. The gun got stuck and discharged, hitting Pepper in the
chest as he tried to pull it loose.
Sacramento Bee, May 21, 1988

90. Unnatural Selection.
An inquest jury in Leeds, England, ruled that Sarbjit Lall's death
after an abortion was the result of the woman's own misadventure.
The 29 year old married mother of 3 girls sought an
abortion halfway through her pregnancy after discovering that she
was expecting another daughter. Lall lied to the staff of her
family planning clinic because they would not allow an abortion on
the basis of the baby's sex. Although Lall died as the result of
medical complications, the jury ruled that the "devious and
dishonest" woman unnecessarily exposed herself to the risks of the
procedure so late in her pregnancy.
Independent, March 5, 1994

91. Fatal Hypochondria.
Julia Rice, 48, of Edenthorpe, England, died from an accidental
overdose of medication for a heart condition she did not have. This
was not the only revelation during the inquest into her death. It
was also discovered that, Rice, a gold medallist in the Paraplegic
Olympics, was not actually paralyzed. Rice had been using a
wheelchair and collecting disability benefits since an accidental
fall seven years earlier for which she received an insurance
settlement of more than $200,000.
Times of London, May 13, 1989

92. Terminal Tan.
Sun worshipper Sean Kelly, 39, of Dublin killed himself at the
tanning salon. The last day he attended the salon in January 1996,
Kelly was wearing a psoriasis lotion, against the advice of salon
staff. Half way through Kelly's 10 minute session, the
attendant said that the whole salon smelled of "burning tar." When
Kelly finally sought medical treatment two days later, 70 percent
of his body was covered with 1st degree burns, another 12 percent
of his skin had blistered. Kelly died from a heart attack a few
days after he was admitted to a local burn treatment
center.
The Irish Times, March 15,
1997

93. Dying to Grow Up.
In some parts of rural South Africa, the passage into manhood still
includes ritual circumcision and wilderness testing. Four
16-year-old initiates died and 36 were hospitalized during an
initiation exercise in Lusikisiki. The circumcision wounds were
infected and many suffered from malnutrition and
dehydration.
Agence France Presse,
July 18, 1996

94. CTRL-ALT-DEL.
New Jersey college student, Robert Keeper, 19, suffered a
catastrophic computer failure. Keeper got so frustrated with his
malfunctioning computer that he ran at his dormitory window and
smashed his fist through it. Keeper lost his balance, and plunged
13 stories to his death. Two other students in the room at the time
witnessed Keeper’s self-destruct sequence.
New York Times, September 12, 1995

Dares, Games &
Jokes

95. P.E. Tragedy.
Singapore youth, Aik Tai Wee, 16, killed himself playing with a
hula hoop during gym class. The student lost his balance and
impaled himself on the dull end of a javelin that was planted in
the ground nearby.
Reuters, February
13, 1991

96. Bragging Kills.
Four Philadelphia teenagers drowned in the Schuylkill River after
one boasted that he could jump his mountain bike over the urban
river's muddy waters. Local fishermen who heard the boast thought
they had disabused the boys of the idea until they saw the boys'
pictures in the newspaper a few days
later.
Philadelphia Daily News,
October 14, 1994