Deep in the Heart of Me (6 page)

"Yes, Miss Sobe," Halloran says, swallowing the end of her name and making it sound like Sob.

"It must be snowing in here Mr. Halloran. Tonio has snowballs in his hair."

There is a long silence. Not even the boys in the back of the room make a sound. And I am proud as punch she has followed my lead.

"Come forward," Mr. Halloran says.

I grip my desk tightly. He mustn't single her out. If he goes for a ruler, well I'm ready to spring from this desk and save her.

I already know he's a coward.

Dad says we are better than none in God's eyes but good as any. I say I'm still thinking on it. Especially with Smith-spit drying on me.

As I see it, I am their better, like it or don't, our family is well thought of and honest in these parts and I don't throw paper wads in the school and carry on like a jackass. Their father makes them, but he does not raise them. That's what is said around here.

Halloran gives Sobe the job of writing sentences on the board so the rest of the class can parse them. I notice the boys in the back are pretty well stuck watching her. She is uncommonly interesting to all of us it seems, and I don't know why it makes me so angry, but it does.

If not for Sobe I wouldn't be here. It's why I came back. So I am the worst mooner of all. The Smiths, like me, and most of the boys in here have worked through harvest and will be gone again for the butchering. We barely fit the desks or the closed in room and sitting this still is more stillness than most would ever know except for school and church. So it was foolish to go along with this, but I see her face again when she touched my arm and asked me, "You'll come back to school, won't you Tonio?" Well, I'm the one she was worried about over them all.

I move to the windows and sit on the bench there, and Mr. Halloran does not even challenge me. I'm looking at Sobe now, just like the rest, her braided hair moving against her back as her delicate hand writes the words in the most beautiful loops and curls.

And I'm not looking quick like I did yesterday or the day before. I'm pretty well staring.

At recess, I know things will be settled. When Sobe is finished at the board, she sits beside me on the bench along the windows. We are facing the room, and Halloran lacks the sand to do anything about it. It is a bold move, but she has chosen me in front of them all.

She looks at me once in a while, and she smiles. It makes my heart pound every time, but I don't let on, I just stare at her like a boyo.

It makes me proud. I feel like I can do anything needed to right the wrongs here. I feel like I can climb a mountain, or at least do the spelling Halloran gives us and anyway, we live in the flatlands. But I do look at her and smile my best, and I don't use my smile so often. Not full on like that. The ones in the back see and a couple of them made a sound, but I'll be taking care of all that soon. I am Tonio Clannan.

So we finish the morning that way, side by side, looking out for ourselves in the snowstorm. They continue to throw spitwads at our empty desks and at each other, and sometimes one makes it up to my sister, or even to Halloran's desk, and once in a while Tillo Smith throws a wad at me and holds my stare, and that is a dare.

My dad says Halloran's a good man, but I don't know what kind of rule he uses to come up with that notion.

So it is finally recess, and there is Elsie, happy to be with us. It might as well be my mother right here because this sister, oldest in the gaggle thinks it her job to tell Mom everything.

I should have known I'd have to try and talk to a girl with the eyes of the family looking on.

"What's it like to be the only one?" Elsie asks Sobe before we're even all the way down the school's steps.

"The only kid in my family?" Sobe asks.

My ear is always peeled to learn what's going on. I'm used to it as oldest at home. And I listen like that to Sobe.

"It's all I know," she says, and she laughs a little. "Sometimes I need someone to play checkers with."

She says that to me.

Elsie sighs. What is she talking about? She has it good compared to us boys having to do all the work. The girls help but mostly they work in the house. Elsie has never been one to like field work.

But I'm thinking of Sobe being alone. Lonely? Are they the same? I already see myself playing checkers with her.

But lonely. I don't know what that would feel like. Am I spoiled or something? I'm not! But loneliness is something Mom wouldn't put up with. She tells a story of a rich woman who she heard was bored. Mom made fun of such a word. If you feel bored or lonely, Mom will give you a job.

"What does your mother say?" Elsie asks.

Sobe laughs a little. But she doesn't answer, and Elsie is an embarrassment. There was no mother in the car that day.

I've not heard of one. But this is what we do around here. We ask your business.

They are out then, the Smiths, Tillo, and his brother Utz.

There are others, some from Dewberry like the Smiths, but none I fear, for like my Dad I do not fear others.

They are coming down the stairs smirking and making their noises.

"You should go to the other side," I say to Elsie and Sobe meaning the yard on the other side of the school where the younger students play.

Sobe looks surprised. Does she think I'm sending her off? I am.

I turn and wait for Tillo at the bottom of the stairs. He is out front. Utz is close behind. I am blocking Tillo's path.

"Move out of my way Tonio," he says. He is higher on the stair and as tall on the ground. He is heavier than me, older by one year.

"You won't put your spit on me or mine again," I say, and that includes Sobe.

His eyes go to Sobe. He will not be a fool in front of her. Well neither will I.

Utz leaps over the banister, half falls to the ground with his heavy boots. But he is soon there, my same age, smaller than me but he pulls himself up to look close in my face.

I push Utz away. Tillo lunges for me then but I foresaw that, and he meets my fist in his stomach. His stomach is hard but so is my fist, and he bends forward, and grunts and Utz is back on me, grabbing me and running me back, and we go down. I roll us over, and we break and I quickly scramble on top and Tillo pulls me off of him, and I'm back on my feet with Tillo's big arm around my neck, and he's dragging me and speaking German, and I kick and kick behind me like I'm Old Sam our mule. Now Utz is charging me from the front so I use Tillo to hold me while I lift my legs and kick shit toward Utz.

I get him on the chin, and he goes down.

Then I go mad and bend forward and roll Tillo over my back like we're in that circus that came through, like the acrobats, and we end up on the ground, and I'm sitting on him somehow, but he soon throws me off and we get on our feet and I feel wet under my nose and knuckle there and it's blood. I'll be in trouble with Mom but not so much with Dad if I win.

I charge Tillo and hit him in the middle, and he flies back, and I'm on him again, and I punch left and right. He's got his arms up, and I feel the hair being ripped from my head as I'm grabbed from behind but I get in a few more punches, and I'm pulled off, and I can't get off my feet before Tillo gets up and charges at me and now we're a heap, me and the two Germans and I am fighting for my life.

But it eases some. Joseph has a broom, and he hits Tillo in the back of the head and then all over. Tillo growls and gets on his feet and Joseph, still holding the broom takes off at a run. I am still fighting Utz, and we get on our feet, and I go in swinging, knowing I have to make it count before Tillo catches Joseph. I hit him once, then again, then three more times and he falls and rolls to his side, and I take off across the yard where Ebbie is throwing rocks at Tillo while Joseph uses the broom handle like a sword. I lunge for Tillo, grab him around the throat like he did me. I drag him down and get on him then, and he gets his hands around my neck, then he yells out. Joseph has used the broom again, this time on Tillo's willy.

With Tillo's hands off me, I stand up, and he is curled on the ground like his brother only he is yelling out and holding his dong.

I get my handkerchief out of my pocket and hold it under my nose. The students have been around us, yelling and screaming as they watch. I have not been aware. I am just lifting my head to find Sobe when I feel the hand on my arm.

I look into the eyes of Sobe's father. I guess I'm going to jail.

I started the fight. It's always that in the end—who started it.

It doesn't matter if Utz stuck his face at me, I blocked Tillo, and I shoved Utz. And I'll take my licks for it.

Miss Charlotte sends her class of younger students inside. The youngest have a different recess so they have witnessed our performance from their windows. That takes care of my sisters. What Elsie might overlook, if a thing is possible, they will be sure to fill in from three different honking beaks.

Sobe says, "Oh Tonio, you are bleeding," with the entire class watching.

She steps beside me, beautiful red splotches on her cheeks. She is looking at me like her father is not right there, and she pulls her hankie out of her sleeve, pink flowers on pure white and she brings it to the corner of my mouth and dabs, careful of touching me, just her finger wrapped in the hankie, but everyone is watching, and we're all turned to stone, me first, a statue, but I feel protective of her like she'll bring on their teasing for this, but I can't move.

When she pulls her hankie away from my face, it is fouled with my blood.

"Oh Tonio," she says again looking up close like I'm her sweetheart just back from battle.

Well, I did fight for my life when the two of them had me on the ground.

But I am feeling things. I won because I'm Tonio, but I won because she was watching. It made me better.

I'm more grown up than I knew. Perhaps I am so sweet on her. And if they tease her for this…they'll answer to me.

The sheriff clears his throat. "Sobe you need to listen to your teacher."

Miss Charlotte is organizing Halloran's students, getting them in lines and ready to move, and the sheriff is telling my brothers to wait near me. He has ordered Sobe inside yet again as she has touched the pocket nearly ripped off my shirt.

She has put it in place and smoothed over it, and it peels right off again and hangs by Mom's neat row of stitching like a thirsty dog's tongue.

But Sobe is also defending me, well us, to her father.

"We will talk when you get home from school, Sobe," her father says very firmly.

If my father spoke so to my sisters, they would shut-up and do as he said. But Sobe is different. She is stubborn with the sheriff.

"Tonio and his brothers were defending themselves from these bullies!" she insists. "You don't know Dad. It didn't start out here, it started in the classroom."

"Sophia Bell," her father says.

"If I were a boy I would have fought them too!"

"Sophia," he says. "I saw you hand the broom to that one," he points to Joseph. "We will talk about it at supper tonight. Now get to your class."

She stomps her foot and looks fiercely at him. There is a fire in her. I know. I have it too.

His face is set, but I get this notion he is surprised.

"You don't see, Dad," she says, her hands tucking into her waist. "Tonio was trying to make them stop. Go look at Mr. Halloran's classroom. They have it covered with spitwads. We told them to stop but they wouldn't. Mr. Halloran does nothing. He smells like elderberry wine!"

About that time Tillo lifts from the ground to a sit, but he still isn't ready to get on his feet. Utz is quiet, holding a bandana to his forehead. Another guy from Dewberry stands with him and two more waits on the stairs. These are all ones I know.

We go to church, we work each other's farms, we marry each other's sisters, and we hunt, we fight, we play ball, we compete at the fair, and we live. We know all those around here. We do not fear them.

Joseph is still holding the broom. Too bad he can't ride it like a horse and get away from all this.

Miss Charlotte has sent the rest of our class back up the stairs to Mr. Halloran's room, but a couple of the big boys don't go. Halloran has not made a show even though his class has pretty much gone to hell.

"Take them to jail," Miss Charlotte says coming down the stairs, "and anyone who has not gone to class." Then she hustles over to Tillo. "Can't you stand young man?"

Tillio gets on his feet then. He looks at me, then Joseph.

Miss Charlotte herds Tillo and Utz closer to the sheriff. Tillo takes hesitant steps. His willy must be connected to his spine to walk that way.

Miss Charlotte takes the broom from Joseph and uses it to shoo the other boys standing around, up the stairs.

I finally take Sobe's hankie because she won't stop dabbing at me. It's crushed in my hand. I'm not in such bad shape, and it doesn't bother me to bleed a little and…everyone is looking. I would smile at her, but her father….

"You boys shake hands," the sheriff tells me and mine and the Smiths.

Yes, we should shake hands, but I'm not ready to kiss and kanoodle. I just got done getting choked and punched and scratched and kicked.

Sheriff is looking me in the eye. I wish Sobe would go in so I could speak my mind. I may want to court her when I figure things out, even though I'm not so old, but old enough, so I'm not sure what to say to the sheriff just now.

"I'm not sorry for my part, not any of it. And I'll do it again if I have to." I say this.

"If you have to," Sheriff repeats.

"Yes, Sir." I gesture to Tillo. Utz is just loyal to Tillo. So what I mean is…I'll fight Tillo if I have to, and Utz too for good measure cause they're brothers and they come as a set. Everyone knows that.

"You, young man," Sheriff says to Tillo, wanting him to agree to shake.

Tillo hawks it up and spits it out. He sniffs and makes a distasteful mouth, and he puts his hands on his hips and looks right past me. And I have to say, he's pale as a rule and blond, and the sun doesn't bake him like you'd think by this time of year, and Utz is even lighter, but they are both more lily white than ever. I have to keep myself from smirking. Maybe I don't succeed cause Tillo does let his blue eyes set on me long enough to snort a little.

"You think this is funny?" Sheriff says.

I don't say what I think. Now that I'm looking over the two and seeing the damage, the bruise rising on Utz's cheek and the scrape on Tillo's forehead and his face red from my punches, mine. I am encouraged to cough into my fist at least, even though my knuckles are raw. I care not much at all if we shake.

"Maybe Miss Charlotte is right,” Sheriff says. "Maybe a night in the gaol is exactly what you boys need to straighten out."

"Ebbie is ten," I say quickly. I'll go if I have to, but I don't like it close like that, but I'll do it. But Ebbie is ten and Mom won't like it, and that means my dad will raise hell.

"Maybe you need to teach him a better way to settle difficulties," Sheriff says thumbs under his belt.

He's not so tough. Sobe is still standing there.

"Do what you gotta to me and the rest. But he needs to go home. There's work," I say.

I know this, I'm not letting my little brother go to jail. That's what I'll teach this old man, Sobe's father.

"Can you be a good boy?" Sheriff says to Ebbie.

Ebbie is looking at me, his face set in that way when he's deeply disturbed. As in about to cry. But he won't. We're raised not to cry easy.

"He needs to get on home," I say quick. That's what he needs. A good run home will settle him, and he can tell Dad we're in jail.

"Go on then," Sheriff says.

Ebbie looks at me, and I nod, and he takes off then like his pants are on fire.

"Let's go to the car," Sheriff says.

"That's not fair Dad," Sobe says.

He turns away then and takes his daughter by the arms and bends a little to look in her eyes. I am gripping her hankie so fiercely my sore fist throbs. I can feel words coming, and I try to swallow, but my throat won't work.

He speaks low and intensely into her face, and she looks away, and he gives her a little shake, and she looks at him then, and she does swallow and lifts her chin, and as he lets her go she pulls away and shakes her shoulders, and she looks at me once, and I know she's with me. That's all. Sobe is with me. She marches up the stairs and into the classroom.

Then he turns and motions we boys should go to the police car.

Joseph looks at me to tell him what to feel. That's how it is. If I'm not afraid, he is not. If I'm angry, he tries to be. If I'm in trouble, he's there, in trouble too.

Tillo and Utz get in the back, and I make Joseph get in first in the front. Sheriff gets in.

It's a great Ford, well kept. We are all happy to be inside.

"Can it go over fifty?" Utz says, and I want to know the same thing.

"Now why would I do that boys?" Sheriff says starting it up.

Utz and Tillo have a smell that is louder in here. Every year at school we get a talking to about being clean. They save that talk for when the big boys come back.

We don't need that talk, we have Mom and Granma and the gaggle to let us know if we offend. And there's plenty of homemade soap and clean clothes when we need them. But the ones who are raised in a barn, they never seem able to smell themselves.

I have my elbow propped on the door as the window is rolled down. I try to smell under my arm. I'm sweaty, and a mess and I'm none too great and none too foul. I hope Sobe would agree. What if she just feels sorry for me? What if she thinks I'm rough or crude like Mom says about us boys, and she even says it about Dad sometimes, when he farts mostly, and blames us and we fight him on it, and he won't admit it, or when he comes in sweaty and catches her in a big hug, and she laughs, and he lifts her off her feet.

I don't want to think about that. I'm still mad about the baby. He can't control himself to make another. I don't want him to get us out of jail. I'll get us out.

"This here the car like Bonnie and Clyde was killed in?" Utz says as we leave the school lot and head into town.

"Well, they stole that car," Joseph said.

"Where'd you get a car like this?" Utz says.

"It sure rides smooth," Joseph says.

"It's got a V-8," Utz says like that explains it.

"I read where a car like this costs over eight hundred dollars," Joseph says seeming to forget we are on our ways to jail.

"How come you use your car for police work?" Utz says.

"He gets paid a stipend for it, ain't that right Sheriff?" Joseph says like this is a Sunday drive, and we are sitting around chicken dinner.

"I got me a deal," Sheriff says.

I lean forward. If he's gonna answer questions, then I ain't getting left out.

"You ever see a gangster?" I say because I am always looking.

He side-eyes me. "Maybe I see one right this minute."

We don't laugh right off but then we do, and I stop when Utz grabs my shoulder and squeezes, and it hurts like an s.o.b…and I turn around ready to punch him one, but the sheriff is ready to pull over so I just give him my meanest look and turn back around.

"What about Baby-Face?" Tillo says like he just caught lightning and got his willy healed. His big hand grabs onto the front seat, and he pulls forward. "I got a cousin in Indiana whose wife was in the bank in…."

"You don't either," I sneer. We done proved that story was a wicked lie behind the church last Sunday.

"The hell I don't," he says too loud for the sheriff seeing as Tillo is about six inches from the man's ear.

"Sit back and shut up all of you," Sheriff about yells.

So we get quiet again. I sure as hell don't want to go to jail. I'm supposed to get to plowing soon as schools out. My dad is gonna knock the shit out of me.

But maybe he better not try.

I make a fist, and I feel that little hankie in my hand and I nearly forgot. I take a look at old grump, and he don't see, and I slip that hankie inside my torn up shirt, under my undershirt next to me. See I do that and that old man don't know so I feel better after that.

She stood up to him for me. I don't need her to do that, but I'm glad she did. Now he thinks I'm a gangster, and that don't feel so bad either. I settle back and fold my arms. Joseph looks quickly at me and folds his arms too.