Dream Lover (30 page)

“Come with me,” she said. She led me through a dramatic entryway with a high, vaulted ceiling. Straight ahead, I saw the water. Jack had told me about this, I remembered. He always went right to that view when he arrived home each weekend. I imagined him pushing the sliding doors aside and walking through the opening as we were doing. Pam had lit a fire in a large, circular fire pit, so it was warm and cozy in what was an outdoor space, open to the sea and the elements. “I wanted you to see this, to feel what Jack did when he was home. If it gets too cold, we will go inside. Here is an afghan from our bedroom; it’s one he often covered up with when he was sitting here, reading, and looking out over the water.” She carefully laid the blanket over my shoulders.

I couldn’t help myself; the tears kept coming. She had recovered but was continuing the narrative about Jack.

“I believed he loved being out here. We sat here every Friday night for the past, oh, at least twenty years. We’d have cocktails and then I would prepare dinner for him while he showered. Now I realize that he must have been bored to tears. But at the time, I thought he lived for those moments together, as I had.” She looked at me, pleading for my understanding. “I based my life on a lie. What I believed to be true didn’t exist. Do you understand the impact that would have on a person?” She looked carefully at me. I thought I saw recognition in her eyes. “Oh! Boy, I am really thick! You were his lover, weren’t you? I mean one of his many lovers.”

She began to laugh. “I never would have guessed it in a million years if it weren’t for my wonderful brother-in-law Bill, who told Jack’s girlfriend, Sandra, that he and Jack were lovers. Announced that fact to a woman, who, for all intents and purposes, was a complete stranger. Sandra lost the baby, did you know that?”

I was shocked. For a moment, I thought that Pam might be just saying that. But then, it wasn’t like Pam. She wouldn’t stoop to that for effect, would she?

“No. I didn’t know that,” I said. I felt sick.

“But you knew she was pregnant.”

“No! I didn’t know. I don’t believe it,” I cried. “How convenient that she lost it! And I didn’t know about his brother. I don’t believe that, either!” I put my head in my hands. Pam left the room and came back shortly with a tray. She had prepared coffee and cake for us. She patted me on the shoulder as she walked around to her seat. I suddenly realized what she had just told me: Jack was going to be a father. Did he know it? I found it difficult to believe. But I didn’t want to upset her by questioning her. She poured coffee and set a cup in front of me. She pointed to the sugar and cream and I shook my head. “Did he know?” I snorted, trying to hold back the tears.

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. She claims she found out the week after he died,” Pam said quietly. “Truthfully, it is so low on my priority list that I haven’t thought of it in a while, except for how I was going to avoid having our children find out about it. Of course, that isn’t an issue now.” She crossed her legs and held her coffee cup in her hands, blowing across the surface.

She gazed out at the ocean and the wild waves crashing on the shore and then she turned to me. “You were in love with him, that’s clear to me. Was he in love with you?” The look on her face told me that it would be one more thing to add to her list of Jack’s misdeeds.

“I’ve been in love with him since I was a kid. He said he loved me. But he wanted a wife and family. He wanted a normal life.” When I said it aloud, knowing that she was aware of the truth about it him, it sounded trite. I was sorry to be the one to repeat it. “I know he was crazy. He was truly crazy. He had to be. But it was what made him Jack.” I looked over at her and she was smirking, a strangely beautiful twist to her mouth. And then she laughed.

“No offense, Ashton, but you are so full of shit. Thank you for making excuses for him.” She turned from me and looked out to sea again. “It’s what I have been doing most of my life.”

We didn’t say anything again for a while, but it wasn’t awkward. “I feel as though I have known you for a very long time. How is that possible? It must be because we are somewhat alike, you and I.” She looked at me again. “I’m sorry we weren’t friends, Ashton Hageman.”

We sat in silence for a while longer, looking at the water, and then I began talking about Jack and me when we were kids, a time that wouldn’t have affected her, so I did not think I was being disrespectful. She asked me questions about Jack’s father that I answered truthfully, but I felt like she might have been fishing for more. I was honest with her and didn’t hold anything back.

Weekend traffic into the city would be starting soon, but I wasn’t worried about it until I looked closely at her. I could see she was getting tired. It occurred to me that she might not be well, but I certainly didn’t ask and she didn’t share that information with me. Having lived with him for thirty years, she had to be infected. We stood up and she walked me to the front door.

“Good-bye, Ashton Hageman. Thank you for coming to see me today.” She leaned in and embraced me and I returned the hug. I wanted to see her again soon, and told her so. As I was walking toward the car, she called out to me. “Ashton, be well.”

I waved to her and she waved back to me. She had a kind look on her face, but I knew when she spoke my name that I would never see her again.