Driving With the Top Down (35 page)

Blake laughed. “I can imagine it.”

Colleen nodded. “Me too.” She turned her gaze to Bitty. “How about you walk us out?”

“Obviously. My stuff’s still in the car.” She laughed.

They walked out into the bright sun. The sky was blue and the clouds were so low and puffy, they looked like dog toys in the air.

“I’m not even going to ask if you’re sure of what you’re doing,” Colleen said, “because this is long overdue. But I do need to make sure this isn’t going to hurt your case against Lew at all.”

“Nah. I’ll give him what he feels like is a deal. I think he’s going to be more afraid of what I can do to him. He’s worked a long time to hide his truth. It’s a shame, and I don’t honestly think I’d reveal it, because I don’t think being gay is what he has to be ashamed of—I think being an asshole is.”

Colleen and Tamara both laughed at the unexpected bluntness from Bitty.

Bitty hugged Colleen hard and said, “I still can’t believe we ran into each other like this. If I didn’t believe in fate before, I do now. I am just so happy we’ve reconnected.”

“Don’t lose touch this time.” Colleen wiped a tear from her eye. “You know I’m going to be wondering how on earth this story ends.”

“Me too,” Tam added.

Bitty let go of Colleen and went to her. “I want
you
to stay in touch too, got it? Do you have my number?”

Tam raised her phone. “Right here.”

“Well, text me, at least. Even though I’m blind as a bat and can barely punch out words on the screen, I will answer.”

Tam laughed. “That should be fun to see.”

Bitty took her by the shoulders. “Listen to me. We’re saying good-bye now, and later on you’ll say good-bye to Colleen and go back to your dad, but we will
always
be here for you, got it? You are not alone. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Don’t keep everything bottled up inside. Open up. It’s like”—she looked around, then gestured at the car—“it’s like driving with the top down. Technically, you’re more vulnerable, and everyone can see what would otherwise be hidden inside, but it’s the only way to really see, feel, and smell everything around you. It’s the only way to fully enjoy the sun and the wind and
life.
It’s so much better than keeping it all closed up!”

Tamara was surprised by this unexpected bit of wisdom from Bitty, but her advice made sense.

They got into the car and Colleen asked Tam to program the way back to 95 into her phone and navigate. With one last wave, they said good-bye to their third musketeer and headed north.

Tamara was dreading it.

*   *   *

THE RIDE BACK
felt like it was flying by. She thought time was supposed to fly when you were having fun, not when you’re miserable and dreading going home.

The very thought of her stark bedroom, complete with grayish white walls and a crappy, springy bed, made her heart sink. Seriously, the bed was so bad that when you sat down on it, it sounded like it had a waterproof plastic thing on it. If ever she had anyone over, she would have felt the need to explain that, no, she wasn’t a bed wetter—this was just the cot she’d ended up with.

She leaned her head on the seat belt. Her brain was filled with so many fears and unspent complaints that she didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t even think anymore.

“You all right, Tam?”

Colleen’s voice took her by surprise for some reason. Maybe because what she needed more than anything was to be asked what was wrong, and here she was being asked. No one ever asked her what was wrong. Ever.

“Yeah,” she found herself saying anyway. No. She should talk to someone. Just this once. They were only six hours from home. From reality. From the gray room and gray life. “No. I’m not really all right.”

“What’s going on?” Colleen lowered the music. It was Tamara’s phone playing the Neighbourhood, which Colleen said she liked. Maybe she was just saying that to make Tamara feel good. Or maybe she really did like them. Either way, it was cool. There was swearing in the songs too, and she didn’t even get all weird or stiff when it happened.

“I don’t really know exactly what’s wrong. Well”—she gave a dry laugh—“I do, everything is wrong.”

“No, not everything. You’ve got all the time in the world to figure it out.”

“Yeah, but when I left, I had a boyfriend and a routine, and everything was like,
fine
, you know? It wasn’t great, but still. Now I’ve been cheated on, my boyfriend—my
ex-boyfriend
—leaked a video that will never go away, I feel like, and … just everything. My house sucks. My dad sucks. My school sucks. It’s like I want to start over, but I can’t even. My reputation is already fuc—already shot—and the kids at my school are all, like, total bums. No one there is really trying. It’s too late to start playing a sport, as if I’d even be good at one. Like, I know everything is different now, but it’s gonna be the same too.”

Colleen listened and then looked thoughtful. “Why is everything different now?”

“Be
cause
Vince is a scumbag—”

“Vince was always a scumbag.”

“Okay, truth, but I didn’t know it.”

“Did you really not? When he took that video, had you trusted him completely, and he broke that trust?”

“No. I was always afraid he would do something like this. Or. Exactly this.”

“Did you trust him with other girls?”

Tamara thought of her immediate instincts on the redhead. “No.”

“Okay, so as far as Vince is concerned, it’s not like your life has been turned upside down. You just finally got to see the whole picture. Like that game where you see only one-eighth of a photo, and you try to guess what it is. Now you see.” She paused. “Turned out the picture was of a dick.”

Tamara actually gasped. “Oh my god!”

“Sorry, that wasn’t appropriate.” But Colleen looked pleased with herself.

“Seriously, don’t apologize—that was hilarious. And true—”

“Okay, so what else is so different from when you left?”

“I guess … I don’t have any desire to smoke or do anything like that. That night was so bad—sorry again—that I can’t even imagine wanting to feel anything close to that ever again.”

“So that’s good.”

“I know. And I don’t feel like going to parties. I don’t like anyone I know.” That might not be entirely true. “Well, I did like one guy kind of.”

“Oh yeah? Who?”

“This guy Conor. I’ve known of him for a while, but I never met him until right before I left. He’s actually the one who told me about the video. Someone had sent it to him. He doesn’t seem to want to talk to me now. And I get why.”

Colleen shrugged. “The thing is, Tamara, this is what a parent can’t do for you. We can’t punish you for something like this video.” She heard herself say “we” like she was the parent, but she didn’t correct herself. It felt right. “It
is
the punishment. You know it wasn’t something you should have let happen. Now you have learned the real-world result of your actions. I’m sorry, really,
so
sorry that you have to live knowing it’s out there. Why didn’t you stop Vince?”

“I don’t know.”

“Sure you do.”

“No, really I don’t.”

“You were afraid of something, or you wouldn’t have let him do it. It obviously wasn’t because you trusted him or because you didn’t care.”

“No.” When Colleen didn’t go on, it became clear she wasn’t going to speak again until Tamara did. “Okay, I guess I kind of live in a weird fear of upsetting people. I would always rather pay the price and be uncomfortable rather than make someone
else
uncomfortable.”

“And? Are you glad now that you’re paying the price instead of temporarily pissing off this creep
Vince
?”

“No, of course not.” She thought. “No. Definitely not.”

Colleen nodded. “I’m sorry, honey, but that’s a life lesson learned. All you can do is look at this like that. Yes, it sucks. It’s embarrassing. And, yeah, it’s gross. But now rise above it. Look back on that as a person you once were. All of it, Tam. When you get home, you don’t have to feel like the same girl trying to fit into old shoes that don’t fit anymore. You can look back on that with a wiser eye and a roll of the eyes now. That lesson is learned.”

Tamara pictured it: Her, at her best. Pretty, clean, her natural best, alert and never altered. Confident and smart. No longer looked at like a hood rat. Like some kind of an Audrey Hepburn or something.

“That would be cool,” she said.

“It
will
be. Seriously. We have all made mistakes.”

“This is all pretty grimy, though.”

“Yep, not going to deny that, chickadee. But it’s over. It happened already. You know that’s not going to change.”

“Right. But still, so now I go home, and the only way to avoid all of it is to pull away from it all. To not talk to anyone I used to talk to. Which I can do—I’m not saying I’ll miss it or be tempted back into anything. I’m just saying it’s gonna suck. I’ll only be able to spend time at home, especially since my dad freaks if I do anything. I can’t even get permission to go to Starbucks and read a book or something at this point, because for one thing, he doesn’t trust me. For another thing, that’s how it all started. He didn’t let me do
anything
at all, so eventually I didn’t just do what I was allowed to because that was
nothing
. So I lied and did everything.”

Colleen took in a deep breath. “Right.”

“So I’ll just hang out in my ugly stupid room. He doesn’t even pay for Internet, Colleen. I can’t even watch shows or anything. I’ll become so hopelessly bored. That was always the problem. I might not have liked what I was doing, but at least it was
something
. And weed or getting wasted made time pass more quickly.”

“I can’t really tell you how to avoid that. That is something of a crap situation.”

“Yyyyup.” Tamara looked back out the window, her momentary hopefulness squashed back down a little.

“I’m sure you’ll figure something out,” said Colleen.

“Me too.”

It was sometime later that they stopped at another rest stop. Colleen always had to pee, but on her way out, she stopped and took out her phone. In the distance, Tam could hear her saying her name, and mentioning taking her home. She was probably telling her husband how desperate she was to get rid of the loser, take her home, drop her off, and never have to deal with her again.

He probably owed her big-time for this.

Tamara turned on her phone, hesitated, then went to the amateur porn site. After a moment, she clicked over to “her video.” Ugh. She didn’t want to watch it. She scrolled down quickly so she wasn’t looking at her messed-up face and started looking at the comments. Facing the music, kind of. To see just how bad it was going to be to return to all those same people.

The first few comments she’d seen before. Congratulations to Vince from his lame buddies, virtually high-fiving him.

But then she saw:
Wow, you’re a creep!

And:
Good luck ever getting another girlfriend, slime ball.

Why R U showing the world you have a tiny dick?

Tamara read on, surprised and increasingly bolstered at how thoroughly the video had backfired on Vince. It was awesome. It didn’t lessen the humiliation for her, of course, but it made her feel better that he was being totally slammed for it publicly.

As he should be.

Maybe he’d see the comments and be humiliated enough to take the video down. Was that too much to hope for?

Okay, say he didn’t. She still needed to own what she’d done. She needed to get past it, or make people
think
she had; she had to
own
it.

She went to her messaging icon and pulled up Conor.
Why not?
She asked herself.
What’s the worst he can do? Ignore me?
That was about it. If he ignored her, she’d never know for sure what that meant, but it wasn’t the worst thing that could happen.

Hey,
she wrote.
Trip’s almost over. What’s going on back home?
She paused, then took a chance:
Did the academy call about my award?
She took a deep breath and watched the phone for a moment. Nothing. No ellipsis, no answer.

There could be a million reasons for that. It wasn’t worth sweating it now. She put the phone aside and waited for Colleen.

When Colleen got back in the car, she had a strange expression on her face.

“What’s wrong?” Tam asked, instantly thinking of weird scenarios in which her text was such a colossal mistake that her dad had received a cease-and-desist letter in the past five minutes and told Colleen.

“Nothing.” Colleen turned down the corners of her mouth and shook her head, then started the car, put it in gear, and started rounding the back of the building. She drove onto the exit and pulled smoothly onto the highway before taking a breath, starting to say something, then stopping.

Tamara’s nerves thrummed. Was she in trouble? Had Colleen told her dad what had happened, and was she heading home to a firing squad or maybe a dungeon?

“Tam,” she said at last.

“What?” Tam answered too fast.

“I have a proposal for you, but I want you to think about it carefully before answering, okay?”

What could this mean? Nerves fluttered in Tam’s stomach. “Go on.”

“Your uncle Kevin and I were wondering if, by any chance, you might be interested in coming and staying with us for a while.”

“Staying with you.”

“Mm-hm.” Colleen nodded.

She didn’t understand. “What, you mean, like, tonight?”

Colleen glanced at her and smiled. “No, I mean maybe finish high school with us.”

Silence.

Was this
true
?

“Are you serious?” Tam asked.

“Very.”

“Did my dad say this was okay?” She believed he’d want to scrape her off, but this would be such an admission of defeat, she couldn’t imagine he’d give permission for it. Her heart was racing with possibility. She didn’t want to sound too eager.

“He did,” Colleen said. “And not because he doesn’t want you—so don’t even go there. He has a lot of travel for work coming up in the next year, and he needs to be sure you’re safe and sound.”