Read Enjoying Trouble (Trouble #3) Online
Authors: Dee Bridle
Enjoying Trouble (Trouble #3)
Enjoying Trouble
Published by:
Dee Bridle
Copyright
©
2016, Dee Bridle
Cover Art
by
Kellie Dennis at Book Cover By Design
All Rights Reserved. This book contains material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author.
March
, 2016.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
For questions or comments about this book, please contact the author at: [email protected]
ENJOYING TROUBLE
Trouble Series Book 3
Past
After we embraced trouble and before we escaped trouble.
Janey
I felt a tingling sensation in my mouth and rolled out of the bed quickly, my knees hitting the carpet; I was going to be sick.
“Where you going?” said a male voice.
I winced at the voice, feeling reality creep up and into my drug-induced state. My body ached in various places and I smelt the sex in the air. My stomach rolled into itself and I only just stopped myself from heaving right there. I tried to hold my breath from the overpowering body sweat, sordid sex and utter wrongness. I wanted to curl up into a ball and scream until I lost my voice, I wanted to disappear from life so I couldn’t hurt myself anymore.
Will is going to hate me for this.
I focused on my dress that was on the floor beside me in a crumpled mess, grabbed it, and crawled over to my bag, before attempting to stand.
Will is going to
really
hate me for this.
“We’re nowhere near finished,” said another male voice. I used everything I had left in me to stand and head for the nearest door. I heard movement from the bed behind me and quickly opened the door.
“I haven’t fucking finished,” called out a voice.
“Let her go. She’s used goods,” said another.
“She’s done three of us; she needs to rest,” said another as the laughter began.
As I closed the door behind me, a sob rose up in my throat and I stopped it from coming out of my mouth. The action only choked me and made the vomit return. I scrambled over to a pot plant in the hallway and felt the hot vile liquid shoot from me. I coughed up everything I had inside me: the alcohol that made me numb, the drugs that made me forget, and the wretchedness of my actions. Tears shot out from my eyes as I gasped for air. I heard the lift doors open and voices behind me. I swallowed the bile down and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. Through the blurriness of the tears, I straightened the dress, still clasped in my other hand and shoved it over my head. I pulled it down over my disgustingly used body before anyone else saw my nakedness.
“Hey are you okay?”
I stood up, put my bag over my shoulder and walked to the lift, not giving anyone eye contact.
“I’m fine,” I said confidently as one could be, with missing shoes and vomit still on her face. I stepped into the lift and pressed the Ground button. The doors didn’t close straight away, so I focused on the button, pressing it over and over again. I needed to get out of this nightmare. The doors slowly clanged shut and I slumped against the lift wall, letting out a sob. I had reached a new low; I had just done yet another thing that I would never be able to take back. It joined up with all the others inside my head, weighing me down with my self-hatred and disappointment.
But this time, I had someone.
Someone who wanted to be with me.
Someone who wanted to fight my darkness.
Someone who accepted all of my faults and still found some slither of goodness in me.
Will was a bright light in my life that I didn’t deserve. I had sabotaged our happiness together and I felt utterly pathetic. The lift doors opened and I stepped out, the acid in my throat burning me. I headed outside into the cool night air and tried to take a shaky breath. He would never forgive me for this - hell, I wouldn’t forgive myself either. I was the worst of the worst; I destroyed everything that was good in my life. I didn’t want to do it, but I just did. Something within me was hell bent on causing me to self destruct; I felt like I had no control. I was in my own personal hell and the inside of my head was my purgatory that I had no chance of ever getting out. I was going to end up dead if I kept this up. I needed to fix…me.
I stepped out onto the side of the road, looking for a taxi but gasped as I saw a dreaded familiar face across the street; my step-brother stood there, watching me with his haunting eyes and a knowing smirk on his face. Life stopped for me and everything turned to one constant low humming noise inside my head. The sight of him reached into the deep recesses of my brain, bringing everything I had buried into the forefront. I couldn’t scream - I felt paralysed, my eyes fixed on him until a bus went past, breaking our stare.
Then he was gone, like he had just disappeared into thin air and I was left wondering if I had imagined him. It was only fitting that I would see his face tonight, even if I was hallucinating; he had been the maker of my nightmares, my own inner hell. It was because of him that I was the person I was now. I gasped for breath, realising that I had actually stopped breathing. One day, the devil that was my step
-
brother would meet his death and I would be able to finally silence the corruption in my head.
I raised my hand up for a taxi and waited. As I got in, I told the driver an address that I had only ever been to once before. Knowing the address of the rehabilitation centre was an hour away, and that I was barefoot, worn, and used, he asked for the money upfront. I shoved him some cash then sat back and let out a deep breath.
It was now or never.
Will
Noah and I started to make our way out of the club and I looked down at my phone screen. Janey hadn’t replied to my message earlier and I was starting to wonder what was going on.
Will:
Where are you? We can come and pick you up if you’re ready?
I kept making my way through the bodies in the club and wondered if I should trace her phone. Zac had given me the app he used to keep track of Janey, before he went away on his European getaway with Ava. My phone started to ring and Janey’s face appeared on the screen. I couldn’t help but smile like a lovesick fool as I moved faster to the entrance of the club so I could hear her.
“Hey, hang on a sec,” I said, nodding to the security guard who was letting me pass through the doorway.
I stepped out into the laneway and finally had silence.
“Hey, how’s it going? We’re just leaving now. Where are you?”
“I’m…in a taxi.”
My eyes narrowed at the sound of her voice; something was wrong.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“Will…I can’t really explain everything right now, but we can’t be together for a while.”
“Excuse me?” I asked in bewilderment.
“I need to make some changes in my life.”
“What do you mean, changes?” I asked, seeing Noah beside me with a concerned frown.
“I’m going to rehab. I need to make it work this time. To see if it makes all the crazy pieces in my head fit properly.”
“What, right now? Janey, where is this coming from? You’re not even going to talk about this with me first? I woke up with you this morning and our future was looking fucking bright!”
“I can’t do this anymore,” she said with emotion. “I need to cleanse my body and my mind. Get it right. And then, and only then, I may be someone that deserves to be with you.”
“Just wait. I’ll come and get you and we can talk about this.”
“No, I have to do this now.”
“But you can’t make this decision without me Janey, we’re together now!”
“Not any more. I don’t want you to wait for me either. Promise me you’ll carry on with life until maybe we’re ready again.”
“I’m not promising you that,” I said, running my hand through my mohawk. “You can’t do this, we’ve only just started.”
“I need to do this. I’m in hell and I’ll drag you down with me. I need you to live your life like I don’t exist.”
“I will never be able to do that,” I said angrily.
“Try. For me. Please, Will.”
The line went silent and I checked my phone to see she had ended the call.
She was gone.
Just like that.
With no warning.
She had gone and taken my heart with her.
Present
Janey
To refrain was to stop yourself from doing something that you wanted to do, even if your body sometimes yearned for it, like the air you breathed to survive.
“You feeling it, baby?” said a guy into my neck, as he pushed his hardness against me.
Fuck, I hated being called “baby”.
“You feeling what I’ve got for you,” he continued, breathing heavy as he gyrated against me, pushing me further up against the wall.
I was meant to be refraining from sex and the short-lived escape I tried to find in it.
“Please stop talking,” I pleaded. Was there anything worse than dirty talk when everything just felt so wrong? I was about to ruin the months of refraining I had achieved since getting out of rehab, with a nameless schmuck who smelt like cheap scotch. I looked across the party and tried to calm the inner battle within myself. I wanted to escape and just lose myself, just for a moment, to remember what it felt like. Feel the weightlessness before reality smacked me across the face with the sordid minutes afterwards.
“Let’s find a room,” he said, trying to eat my face.
Why the fuck was I even here at this party right now? I was no longer an angry teen, drunk on watered-down beer. I was an angry fucking adult who knew she had been dealt a shit hand in life and needed to get the fuck over herself. I put my hands on his chest and pushed him back.
“Stop!”
“What’s the matter, baby?” he asked putting his hands up in mock innocence.
“Baby needs a drink,” I said darkly, moving out from the wall and away from his body. “And if you call me baby again, I will snap your dick in half.”
“Easy,” he said with a laugh, straightening himself in his pants and looking around to see if any of his mates were watching him be dismissed. “You coming back?”
I didn’t bother with a reply as I left him standing there, looking a little worked up. I headed straight to the kitchen and looked at the bottles of alcohol lined up. I grabbed a cup and then paused.
I was meant to be refraining from that too.
I needed to get the fuck out of here.
I never use to refrain; I never said no to anything. I was a girl that liked to party, a girl that used anything to numb the pain of her reality. My time in rehab was meant to have changed that. I was to refrain from alcohol, drugs and sex. I was no longer allowed to use these things as a way to escape, to block out my nightmarish past. I could have a drink if it was a social one, and
only
one. I was to stay clear of all drugs, and I could have sex if it was with someone I loved, in a relationship.
It had been twelve weeks and three days since rehab, but hey, who was counting? Three months of trying to change my life and not be swallowed up by the loneliness of it all. Old friends that still liked to party didn’t want a sober girl with them, and guys didn’t hang around long if they knew sex wouldn’t be the final outcome. My excesses and bad choices over the years had now left me totally alone; I had made sure all my important relationships were dying. I had no one to blame other than myself and that hurt the most.
I needed to get out of here before I failed tonight. Temptation was everywhere and I still didn’t know if I was strong enough. It had taken a moment of weakness to even be here tonight. Deep down, I knew that the guy gyrating me up against the wall would never be Will.
I couldn’t even say his name without my cold and lifeless heart thumping hard. And that thump always hurt the most because it resonated through my body, forcing me to embrace emotions that I wasn’t ready to feel again. I had tried endlessly to keep my memories locked away - especially the bad ones - but in locking them in, the good ones were sometimes locked in too. To remember what I had, right in front of me and the way I had ruined everything because of who I had become, really fucking hurt.
I focused on the bottles of alcohol lined up and then took my empty cup out to the balcony. I breathed in the night air, trying to clear my head. If I went in a room with that guy right now, I would risk everything for one senseless minute, maybe two. If I started to drink right now, I wouldn’t stop until I was numb. One bad choice would put me on the road to destruction again. I felt the impending guilt of breaking my own promise to myself, like a dead weight on my shoulders. Sometimes, it was so hard to keep afloat while it seemed everything dragged me down, trying to drown me. Not only was I giving up every vice I had but I also had to give up the most important part of my life, which was my Will. He had been the only guy that had given me a taste of what contentment could feel like. The only guy who knew the real me but still wanted to be around me.
I had to let him go, before my darkness spread into him like an illness, ruining him forever.
I took a moment, to look out over the city before I realised I was blinking the tears back from my eyes. I knew Will was better off without me, but I missed him, missed him with an intensity that had my heart bleeding out, over and over again. There was probably another girl, right this minute, feeling everything magical that he had to offer.
I had that magic.
Now I didn’t.
I had a guy hammering me into a wall while fully clothed in the middle of a party while he licked my face.
Lucky me.
I looked down at the empty cup in my hand and let out a shaky breath. No one would ever come close to Will. I could waste my life searching for his replacement but I would never find him. Just the thought of that made my life seem all the more pointless. I threw the plastic cup over the balcony and turned back to the party. I had to get out of here. I went back into the party and with my head down, walked directly to the front door. I slipped out and closed the door behind me, letting out a sigh of relief.
The lift doors opened before I could press the button and a group of people walked out, heading towards the party. I stepped in, pressed the lift button and waited for the doors to close. Eventually, they clanged shut and then it started to descend as I looked at my reflection inside the lift. I no longer looked like the uncontrollable, wild and fun version of myself. I didn’t know what I looked like now, other than just sad. The lift arrived in the foyer and the doorman watched my every step as I left through the large glass doors to the outside.
It was the early hours of the morning and the sSun was just starting to make an appearance. In the past, I loathed and loved this time of the morning, depending on the night I had. It could be a morning of fresh starts, where I would try my hardest to be bright like the sun, breathing in the fresh air, knowing I could make something of myself. It could also be a morning of despair from the bad decisions from the night before, where I found it hard to breathe, to keep myself alive, knowing I would be better off dead.
I waited for a car to pass before I crossed the street, tempting myself with the idea of jumping in front of it. I had those thoughts. Those bizarre moments of wondering what it would feel like to end it all. It was really that simple and the simplicity of it sometimes made me yearn for it. Before rehab, I had wondered if others were out there like me, standing and waiting for a train and thinking about stepping off the edge. Driving a car and knowing that all it would take was a sharp twist of the steering wheel to veer the car off the road. I eventually found out I wasn’t alone with these thoughts, but it didn’t make them any less powerful. Depression was a bitch and she had all of me.
And let’s be real, I knew what it would feel like. No more Janey. The end. The end of pain, the end of being a head fuck for everyone around me. I often watched my own funeral in my fucked up head, seeing everyone mourn me, saying I was better off. Maybe I would be.
I thought about these things a lot.
No one knew that, though and I sure as hell didn’t tell anyone, except for my therapist of course. She had put a label on it and wrapped it up in an ugly box titled depression, which was a big, ugly box full of regrets, pain and a little narcissism. It seemed to help everyone around me to put a label on these things, helped them cope better with my sad reality. Nothing made me feel better though. Putting a label to it didn’t change the fact that there was a lot wrong with me. There was only one thing that used to make me better and that was a six foot guy made of muscle with the most endearing beautiful eyes.
Scrap that.
Nothing made me better.
Medication was meant to help but I refused to take it; no-one liked the person I was when I was off my meds, but I hated the person I became when I was on them.
Will
I unravelled the hand wrap from my hands and shoved it inside my gym locker before wiping my face again with the towel around my neck. I had been relentless tonight and everything now ached.
Everyone, including my sparring partner, had left the gym hours ago, leaving me alone to work out before I went home to pass out with exhaustion. I took my phone out of the locker and checked it for messages. There were a couple from Zac and Noah, but nothing from the one person I wanted to hear from. I had been dealing with her excruciating silence for months.
I called Zac, knowing he would still be up working.
“Hey,” he answered after the first ring.
“Is she safe tonight?” I asked him, sitting down on the bench seat behind me, my body drained of all energy.
“I’m about to ask if she needs a lift, she’s in the city. I’ve got her on the cameras now. She turned her phone on about an hour ago.”
This was a common call from me, needing reassurance in a world that no longer belonged to me. I rubbed my hand over my face, feeling the exhaustion hit me.
“Okay,” I said, ready to end our call.
“You could always just appear and drive her home, you know,” offered Zac.
“She doesn’t even want me breathing near her, Zac. That’s not going to happen.”
“Okay,” he said in resignation.
“See you at the festival,” I said, ending the call.
I threw my phone into the locker and then held my head in my hands.
I missed the fuck out of her. It was as simple as that.
Janey
I continued to walk down the city street, looking up and down for passing taxis. I saw a bus further up the street and wondered if catching one would be an easier option at this time of the morning. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out, seeing a text message from my brother.
Zac:
You need me?
I rolled my eyes. I knew my brother meant well and that he was trying to look out for me, but to me, it only proved what a failure I had become. He had spent all of his life looking out for me, trying to save me from all of the bad decisions I had made. I knew he was tracking my movements right now through my phone and he was probably even aware I was walking down this city street. He may even have been seeing me through some CCTV camera. I stuck my finger up and twirled around, just in case he was. My phone vibrated again.
Zac –
And good morning to you…
I kept walking. Growing up, he had always been interested in computers. Now he was a highly paid hacker, but no-one was meant to know that.
Zac -
Ava is on her way to pick you up
I let out a frustrated sigh. Ava, his girlfriend, was also my best friend and l loved her to bits, but I didn’t need a babysitter. I had been keeping my distance from them all because of it. I wanted to have friends to have fun with, not watch me like I was a toddler playing with knives.
Janey -
I don’t need a babysitter
Zac -
Ava misses the fuck out of you. She wants to see you and bring you home. Deal with it.
I felt my heart ache a little before I put a stop to it. I missed her terribly too. I missed them all. I wanted to be better for them all but it was too big of an expectation for me to carry and I failed at every turn.
Zac –
Your phone has been off for 4 days
I wanted to tell him that I could look after myself, that he didn’t need to track me, but it was pointless. If it hadn’t been for Zac and the boys looking out for me over the years, I probably wouldn’t be standing here right now. I kept my phone off a lot these days; I didn’t want to be tracked by my brother and I wanted to stop the messages I had been getting from an Unknown caller ID. My paranoid self had an inkling of who was sending them, but once they were read, they disappeared from my phone like a self-destructing message. I hadn’t told Zac, I had no proof of them and part of me was a little ashamed that I might even be conjuring them up in my own twisted head. If they disappeared after I had read them, did they even exist in the first place? My phone vibrated again.
Zac –
Did you forget about the festival tomorrow? We’re all going. Your ticket is still here, are you in?