Facing the Music And Living To Talk About It (16 page)

MAN WITH A PLAN

This may all sound like self-help bull to you, but I can only tell you what worked for me. It’s easy to be sarcastic and critical, yet much more difficult to admit that sometimes we just don’t know what we don’t know. Up until that point, I’d always believed that self-help books were for other people. I thought I had everything I needed—career success, fame, and money. Then, I found myself at the bottom of that deep, dark, gaping black hole I’ve talked so much about, looking up and wondering how the heck I got there.

I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I DIDN’T KNOW UNTIL
I OPENED MY MIND
TO THE FACT THAT MAYBE I NEEDED MORE HELP THAN I’D THOUGHT.

I didn’t know what I didn’t know until I opened my mind to the fact that maybe I needed more help than I’d thought. When I finally read the book Kevin gave me, I realized in my heart and mind that something had to change or I was going to destroy my career and my health, and maybe take some innocent people down with me. My instincts told me to get away from friends who only brought out the worst in me, and to go somewhere that wasn’t full of temptations and distractions. Once I got to Cool Springs, though, I really didn’t have a clue what to do next.

Until I read Peale’s book, I had no plan. Worse than that, I didn’t know I needed one. I also knew nothing about creating a plan. So, I was about as helpless as a baby when it came to
rehabbing
myself. I am not asking anyone to feel sorry for me; I had a great career. I had friends. I had money. I had no problem getting a date.

I DIDN’T FEEL
WORTHY
OF TRUST AND AFFECTION.

What I didn’t have was peace of mind, true happiness, self-respect, self-approval, self-love, self-confidence, or much hope for the future.

I didn’t feel worthy of trust and affection. And I was tired of feeling that way. I wanted something better, so I had to
be
better. That much, I figured out. So, I went to work on my body, mind and spirit.

I approached my rehabilitation in a very uncharacteristic fashion. I was very meticulous and methodical. I even compartmentalized. I thought of every room in the house as a section of my brain that needed work. I won’t bore you with the details other than to say that I saw each room as the storage place for certain negative thoughts, memories, habits, addictions, and resentments. I went from one room to the next cleaning out the cobwebs and dust bunnies, throwing out the garbage, turning on the lights, and opening the windows to let in fresh air.

As I did that physically in every room of the house, I did the same things mentally and emotionally inside my head. After I moved in and read Peale’s book, I went to work organizing my surroundings and my
inner self
. I straightened up things both literally and figuratively.

My brother and sisters and various roommates will tell you I’d always been a messy person as far as housekeeping was concerned, and in general life too. I wanted to change in both departments. One of my goals was to think and act with a clearer head, so I made that part of my conscious process.

From my readings I’d learned the value of setting goals, writing them down to reinforce them and following a step-by-step plan to pursue them. I took that seriously. I even went to the office supply store one day and got a big white board on a stand like you see in corporate meeting rooms. I bought some markers and scribbled down all of the goals I could think of.

I’d done something similar a few years earlier and saw how effectively it could work. At the time, I was trying to stop smoking. I knew smoking causes cancer and destroys your lungs. Everybody knows that. Yet, like so many people, I just couldn’t seem to get my act together long enough to quit. It was a habit. An addiction, really, and I didn’t have the willpower to break it until I tried something a little crazy. I finally went into my closet one day, pulled out a white t-shirt, grabbed a marker and wrote on the t-shirt, “I do not like smoking. This is not me!”

I then wore that t-shirt to bed every night for about three months, reading the anti-smoking message on it before I fell asleep and then again first thing in the morning when I woke up, and I just stopped smoking that way. That’s the power of the human brain!

You really can program your brain to get you what you want. That’s my belief. I’ve read a lot about this and there are many who say that if you set goals, write them down, work on them every day and ask for the help of whatever higher power you believe in, you can achieve them.

One of my favorite sayings along this line is that you should shoot for the moon because even if you miss, you will land among the stars. I like that because it reminds me that when you dare to dream for better things and you pursue them, even if you don’t get exactly what you’d hoped for, you still end up better than you were without dreams.

YOU REALLY CAN PROGRAM YOUR BRAIN TO GET YOU
WHAT YOU WANT.

GO FOR THE GOAL

Goal setting is imperative. It is so important to have goals that you can envision actually happening without the help of magic, a huge gift from Oprah, or a body swap with Richard Branson. Visualization is really important, too. I try to imagine myself moving toward a goal step by step, then accomplishing that goal and truly feeling what it is like to achieve it. When you do that, you imprint both the process and the joy you’ll experience onto your subconscious. I believe your mind then goes to work on helping you attain your goal, making it seem as if you’ve already been there before. You won’t be as intimidated because the path will seem familiar.

I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO
VISUALIZE
AND THEN TAKE THE STEPS NECESSARY TO
ACHIEVE
A GOAL.

Once I learned about the principle of visualization, I adopted it with a passion. I’d been one of those people who lived on a whim. I’d change directions depending on which way the wind was blowing, or whom I was hanging out with. I fought changes, even positive ones, and I wanted to stick with bad habits even when I knew they were bad because I preferred what was familiar to what was unfamiliar.

Setting goals takes you out of that mindset and puts your brain in forward gear. Instead of being in park, you are in drive. It’s so important to have goals because if you don’t know where you want to go, how will you ever get there? Maybe you believe that where you are right now is where you are supposed to be and where you’ll always be. Now that’s fine if you are happy and fulfilled, but if you aren’t, then what the heck are you thinking? Are there chains on your feet or bars on the walls? If there aren’t, then you have the power to choose a better life and the power to go after it.

BREAKING IT DOWN

Deciding to set goals is a good first step, but if you are busy and easily distracted like me, you have to get very detailed in defining those goals, writing them down and setting a timeframe for accomplishing them. I have to set goals in a way that allows me to immediately act on them, even if it’s just taking really small steps, so I feel right away that I’m making progress.

It would never work for me just to say my goal is to turn my life around. That’s a great long-term, overall goal but how do you get there? What do you have to do? Those questions can seem daunting at first, so it might help you to think of goals as part of the song of your life. You create your goals just as you would write that song. Here, let me explain:

Songwriters typically have a vision or theme in mind when they begin a song. Then they write it note-by-note, word-by-word. In the same way, you may have a vision of the life you want to create. You can string a series of smaller goals together to create that life, just as songwriters string verses together to create their songs. I have to be able to visualize and then take the steps necessary to achieve a goal. To turn my life around, some of the step-by-step goals I needed to accomplish were to lose weight and get back in good physical condition, to stop binge drinking and doing illegal drugs, to remove myself from unhealthy environments, to find more positive and encouraging friends, and to become more engaged in creating music for myself and the group.

Once I had those more specific goals outlined, I went even further in breaking them down so I could gauge my progress easily. For example, I gave myself a couple of months to lose ten pounds as a starter toward getting healthier, though my longer-term goal was fifty pounds! I figured that I’d just keep a scale handy so I could measure my progress pound by pound.

I’d already removed myself from the binge-drinking and bar-hopping crowd by changing my environment and chilling in Cool Springs. There, I was surrounded by people like Andrew Fromm and Dan Muckala, who were much more interested in making great music than getting wasted night after night. I kept beer and all other alcohol out of my Tennessee house and stocked up on healthy fruits and vegetables.

You’ll notice that my goals weren’t pie-in-the-sky things. I wasn’t trying to become Mr. Universe; I was just working to get back in better shape so I didn’t look like a slob on stage or in photo shoots. Writing more of my own music was also a goal within my reach, though it required more focus and effort than I’d been putting in for a couple of years. If I’d set the goal of writing a rock opera or a concerto it might have been a stretch. The idea is that you should dare to dream big, but be realistic in setting goals so you can accomplish them within a reasonable amount of time. Once you have some momentum going, you can raise the bar higher and higher as you move forward.

Make sure your goals are things you have some control over. Winning the lottery is definitely not a goal that you can achieve on your own, but finishing a local marathon race, losing twenty-five pounds, or continuing your education are all goals that are within reach and don’t necessarily require superhuman powers.

Once you’ve chosen achievable goals within your control and reach, the next step is to come up with a plan of action. My advice is to put together a daily calendar in which you list the positive steps toward attaining each goal that you can take every day.

MAKE SURE
YOUR GOALS
ARE THINGS YOU HAVE SOME
CONTROL OVER.

Many well-intentioned goals are forgotten or neglected because their equally well-intentioned goal-setters get caught up in their jobs or personal lives. I know it’s tempting to think
I’ll work on that goal tomorrow or next week
, but don’t procrastinate. Do the opposite. What would that be called by the way?
Con
crastinate? Whatever, as the real-life Benjamin on your dollars once said, “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.”

Set up a daily goal-workout program, just like you’d follow a workout routine at the gym. Do something every day in some measureable way to move closer to your goals. It might help you to create a program of small daily steps that lead you to bigger weekly steps that lead you, over a specific period of time, to finally accomplishing your goal.

One final step in this goal-achieving process is to find at least one coach-cheerleader-encourager with whom you can share your goals, plan and timeline. This should be a person you trust, someone who wants to see you succeed in building a better life. So, don’t pick your worst enemy, or a rival, or the bar owner who was getting rich off your binge drinking habit.

Another thing I learned from my reading is that some people have a scarcity mentality. They think of success as a limited commodity, like a pie with only so many pieces. People with this mentality are likely to think that if you succeed, then there is less chance for them to find success. Stay away from them. They will not support you and they may even try to sabotage you.

Look instead for people with an abundance mentality. These people see success as an unlimited commodity, like stars in the universe. They want you to succeed because they think there is enough success and happiness in the universe for everyone to claim a heaping helping. Sign these people up for your team whenever you find them. Share your dreams and goals with them and support them just as they will support you.

BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND

In truth, the only thing that can hold you back is that person in the mirror staring back at you. I am not just saying that. I lived it. For way too long, I didn’t think I was worthy of a better life so even when great things happened to me, I didn’t allow myself to enjoy them or to feel grateful for them. What we tend to forget is that, as far as anyone knows, this is our one brief shot at a life. It doesn’t last forever. It can end before you know it. Why not sing while you are on stage? Why not give it all you’ve got? Why not use up every ounce of your talent and energy and make the most of every minute?

It helped me to first think about where I wanted to end up in life and then think about how I wanted to get there. Some life coaches have their clients write down what they want people to say about them at their own funerals. The idea is to begin with the end in mind, meaning you first imagine the qualities and reputation you want to have by the end of your life, then you do all you can to be that person. I can see the value in that approach but it’s a little dark for me. Another approach that I actually prefer and actively use, is to write down goals as if they’ve already been reached. It’s a way of programming your subconscious mind much like you would program a computer.

If you are comfortable just the way you are and it’s working for you, that’s fine. But if you want to change and create a better life, goal setting is a great way to do that. I’ve done a lot of research on the best way to achieve your goals and I’ve learned that when you write them down as if they’ve already been reached, you imprint them in your subconscious. It’s very similar to what happens when you practice visualization. This seems to help make my goals more realistic and achievable and it also boosts my confidence.

THE MORE I THINK ABOUT
MY GOALS,
THE MORE
I OWN THEM.

For this method to be even more effective, it helps to repeat your goals on a regular basis. The more I think about my goals, the more I own them. There have been many studies on the power of the subconscious mind to work out problems while we sleep or focus on other things. I’ve even heard psychologists say that the best way to find your lost car keys is to do something else until your subconscious calls up the memory of where you put them. When I learned about programming my goals into my subconscious it was a real epiphany for me. If you say over and over again that you are grateful for achieving a goal, your mind comes to accept that it is entirely possible that you did—or can—achieve that goal.