Falling From Disgrace (20 page)

Chapter 15

J
ack’s palms were sweaty and his heart was racing as he rode the elevator up to Adrianna’s apartment.  He had a speech prepared that he hoped she would accept and he had rehearsed it, even out loud, in his car on the drive from his father’s house.  His nerves dancing, he walked slowly down the hall, deliberately breathing slowly.  When he reached her door he cleared his throat a few times, brushed off his blue jeans and grey t-shirt, and raked a hand through his hair.  Damn, he was nervous.  Taking one more deep breath, he knocked. 

And then knocked.

And then knocked again.

Shit, she wasn’t home.  He listened for any noises behind the door but all was silent.  Using his old trick, he pulled out his phone and dialed her number.  He could hear her phone ring from inside the apartment.

Knocking again, he called out, “Ade, it’s me, please open the door.  Ade!”  Still nothing. 

Unsure if he should, but not wanting to lose the nerve to face her, Jack pulled out his keys, finding the one he never gave back to Adrianna attached to the ring.  Knocking once more and waiting a beat, he then unlocked the door and stepped inside her apartment.

Adrianna was curled up, asleep on her couch and Jack felt his heart constrict at the sight of her.  She looked fragile and weak; her skin even paler than usual and her dark hair unkempt and in a knot on the back of her head.  Her cutoff shorts and black tank top were wrinkled and well worn, like she hadn’t changed in days and Jack would swear she had lost five pound since he last saw her. 

Jack knelt down at her side and with a gentle hand, he stroked her head and whispered her name.  Adrianna was jolted from sleep and she sat up quickly with wide eyes and a thumping heart.

“It’s me, it’s me,” Jack spoke quietly, cupping her shocked face to relieve her worry.  “I’m sorry I scared you.”

Adrianna swallowed thickly and croaked, “What are you doing here?”

Holding on to her face and looking deeply into her chocolaty eyes, Jack said, “I had to see you.  I need to tell you something, Ade.  I made a huge mistake.”

At his words, Adrianna shifted, pulling her face from his hand and Jack’s attention was drawn to something on the couch.  Adrianna had been lying on it and it was something plastic, flattened against the cushions.  Reaching out with a steady hand, Jack pulled it from the seat and brought it closer to his face to inspect.

“Fuck,” he breathed when he saw the little, green pills inside the plastic bag.  He stood, taking three long steps back from Adrianna and crushed the bag in his fist.  “Fuck!  Fuck, fuck, fuck!  What the fuck did you do?  Where did you get this?”  He ran a hand through his hair and pulled at the strands, out of his mind with anger.  “Ade!” he screamed again, “What did you do?”

Adrianna began to cry and she stood to go to Jack.  While he continued to scream at her she somehow found her voice and tried to yell over him.  “Jack, I didn’t!  Jack, listen to me.  Listen to me!  I didn’t do it!  I didn’t take the pills!  Jack, I DIDN’T TAKE THE PILLS!”

Her words finally reached Jack’s ears and he stopped yelling to look down at her.  Adrianna felt a tremor of guilt rock through her when she saw Jack’s blue eyes were gleaming with tears.  Jack, who didn’t even cry when his own father died, was crying for her. 

“I swear to you,” she sobbed, reaching out to grab his hand, “I didn’t take one.” 

Adrianna wasn’t lying.  She had gone so far as having one of them on her tongue when she wretched and gagged and ran to the sink to spit the pill out.  It had been the most defining moment of her life; making the decision, on her own, not to go back down that road.  She was still in agony over losing Jack, but she would get through it some other way, she would force herself to do it. 

Jack stared at Adrianna as his chest rose and fell heavily with his frantic breaths.  He clenched his jaw so tightly it actually made his teeth hurt and then rubbed the moisture from his eyes with his thumb and index finger.  He inhaled once again, his nostrils flaring before he exhaled loudly from his mouth.  He felt like he wanted to smash something or throw up.  He believed that Adrianna was telling the truth, but for the short amount of time he thought he had driven her to take pills again, he felt a fury and sickness like no other, and now he was trying to recover from those twelve seconds of panic. 

“Jack,” Adrianna whispered and he finally removed his hand from his face and looked at the woman he loved.  He clasped his hand around the back of her neck and pulled her to him, crushing her against his hard body that was still wired with anxiety.  He just couldn’t calm the fuck down. 

Adrianna’s face was pressed painfully against Jack’s chest but she didn’t care.  She let him hold her and she relished in the closeness of his body, no matter how brief it would be. 

“You didn’t do it,” Jack sighed, and it wasn’t a question though Adrianna still reaffirmed her answer with a shake of her head.  He pulled her away from his chest and took her face in both his hands and kissed her everywhere.  His kissed her mouth, her nose, both her eyelids, across her cheek, and then over her ear to the side of her head.  “Thank God,” he chanted between kisses.  “Thank God.”

He picked Adrianna up by her waist and carried her into her kitchen where he sat her on the counter.  Leaving her there, he took the plastic bag with pills that he still clutched in his hand to her bathroom where he quickly flushed the five pills down the toilet and shoved their container into the pocket of his jeans.

Upon returning to the kitchen, he wished Adrianna kept hard liquor, for he could sure use a shot of whiskey to calm his nerves.  Needing something, he pulled out a cigarette from the front pocket of his shirt, took a few drags from it and then distinguished it under running water from Adrianna’s faucet.  Adrianna sat quietly the whole time wondering what Jack was doing at her apartment in the first place.

Now slightly calmer from the nicotine, Jack quickly strode to stand before Adrianna and he braced his hands on either sides of her legs.  Using the strongest voice he could conjure he told her, “I am so sorry, Ade.  I was an idiot and I am so, so sorry.”  This wasn’t the speech he had prepared, that shit was completely forgotten, so he just said whatever came into his head.   “I love you, I love you and I don’t know why I couldn’t figure that out before but I know it now and I know want to be with you.”

Adrianna, who had still not stopped crying, closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against Jack’s.  “I love you, too,” she breathed. 

Jack pulled away from and studied her face.  “Why do I feel there’s a ‘but’ that’s going to follow that?”

“Because while I love you we still can’t be together.”

Jack felt like he had been punched in the gut with a sledgehammer.  He was too late.  In the time it took him to realize he was being a fool, Adrianna had decided to move on from him.

“Why?” he demanded softly. 

“Look at me!” Adrianna told him.  “I’m a mess and I have been since I left your apartment a week ago.  I shouldn’t have reacted this way, I shouldn’t have fallen apart.  I shouldn’t need you to hold myself together.  I had a fucking drug dealer in my home, Jack!  I bought pills and was ready to take them because I didn’t think I’d ever be able to get over losing you!”

“But you didn’t take them,” Jack reminded her.

“No, I didn’t.  But I should have never have gotten to this point.”

Adrianna’s words swam in Jack’s head and he struggled for what to say to convince her that she was wrong.  Adrianna took his silence to continue her argument.

“I’m not saying it’s completely over for us, but you need to go.  I need time to finish fixing myself alone.  I need to know I’m strong enough to live my life without you.  I shouldn’t need you this much.”

Feeling defeated, Jack turned from her.  She needed time but he didn’t want to spend another day without her.  But what was he supposed to do, beg?  Again, he couldn’t find the words.  Jack took one step towards her door and then forced himself to stop.  No!  He wouldn’t let her do this.  He wasn’t going to keep his mouth shut again like a damn imbecile and risk losing the woman he cared for more than anything else in the world.

“Fuck that!” he yelled, startling Adrianna who had just moved to get to her feet.  Jack spun around to face her and gripped her by her upper arms.  “
I
need
you
, Adrianna. 
I need you,
more than I can even put into words and more than you can possibly imagine
;
and not to feel like a hero but to feel whole.  You say you shouldn’t need me this much but what’s wrong with needing someone?  That’s what love is!  It’s needing that someone to make you feel strong, and good, and complete, and to even be able to breathe!  I need you to breathe, Ade.  I’ve been in hell this last week, walking around like I was missing a part of me, and that part was you.  Please, tell me you want to be with me because without you, I’m only half a man.”

At Jack’s words, Adrianna’s heart melted.  He was right.  What
was
wrong with needing someone?  Loving someone meant that you had another person to rely on when you couldn’t do things on your own.  And maybe Adrianna would be fine by herself and maybe she wouldn’t.  But there was no reason she had to find out.

“Yes,” she answered Jack with a small grin.

“What?”  Jack wasn’t sure what she had said, his blood was still rushing in his ears.

“Yes, I want to be with you,” Adrianna laughed and then gasped as Jack swept her off her feet in another bone crushing hug.  Without putting her down, he kissed her over and over again, this time chanting that he loved her.

Adrianna squeezed Jack back around his neck and smiled broadly as her chin rested on his shoulder.  “You went a little Jerry Maguire on me for a minute there,” she teased.

Chuckling, Jack rested her on her feet but kept his arms wrapped around her.  “You’re right, I did- shit, what was the chick’s name from that movie?”

“I don’t know,” Adrianna admitted.  “I don’t care.”

“I don’t care either.”

“Just kiss me, Jack.”

And he did.

Adrianna and Jack’s story will continue in Gillian’s book. 

Coming 2014

Thanks for reading,

L