Authors: Ebony Lowe
Meanwhile, mama had asked me to take a ride with her somewhere. She wouldn't tell me where we were going, but the car ride itself had me a little suspicious.
want to talk to you about your sister” She said as she drove to our destination.
“Ma, I really don't wanna talk about her” I replied
“I think you need to, she is still your sister no matter what, that won't change...EVER!”
“Yea, I know...don't remind me”
“Riyah, you’re going to have to forgive her one day”
“Yea, well it won't be no time soon believe that”
I could tell mama wanted to say so much more but she didn't want to argue. The look on her face told me she was exhausted. I wish I could fix all of this so she wouldn't have to look so worn out but there was no fixing this.
“Ma are you okay? You don't look
“I'm fine baby; I'm
just worried about our family. I want to fix it all but nobody wants to help me.”
“But ma, this is something out of your hands. You can't fix this. I don't think nobody can.”
“Oh baby, GOD can! I just wish HE would show up already and take control over everything.”
“I know mama. Where are we going anyway?”
“Nice try! I'm not telling you because I don't want you to run away. You will see when we get there. We're almost there!”
“Okay now I'm really worried. Ma, where are you taking me?” I asked but got no response.
I was so nervous that my legs began to shake. “Please not now GOD! Don't let me have an anxiety attack right now.” I prayed.
As we pulled into a parking garage, I looked up and saw this person walking towards us. I sat there and watched Mama get out of the car. When she realized that I was still sitting inside, she motioned for me to come on. Reluctantly I unbuckled my seat belt and stepped out of the car. Mama grabbed my hand and led me to this person. As we got closer, I began to make out this person and I realized who it was.
“Are you serious?” I asked Mama as I let her hand go.
“She is your sister and we need to talk this out, so that our family can begin the healing process” Mama explained.
“But why am I the only one here, where's dad?”
“Your father is going to take a lot more time and effort to get through to. I will work on him, but first I need you two to begin working on your relationship.”
“Mama, we have no relationship. In case you didn't notice, we haven't had a relationship since we were babies. There's no repairing this.”
“Mariyah, I understand that you are hurting, I am to...”
“Then how can you defend her and act like everything is okay?
How can you stand here and ask me to do the impossible,
forgive my sister for sleeping with my godfather and hurting my best friend? She ruined our family, both families. Our family will never be the same again because of it, and I'm supposed to just forgive and forget.”
“No not forget, but
you do have to forgive! Listen, we cannot turn our back on her. She has nowhere else to go.”
“Well that's not my fault.”
“Will you just try to forgive her for me please?”
“I don't know ma!”
“Tell you what, let
’s go in and do this counseling session and after that we can decide together on what we want to do.”
“Ma you brought me to a crazy doctor! I'm not crazy, she need to be here not me.”
“Mama...look I love you and you know I would do anything for you but...”
“No buts...you'd do anything for me...then let's go in here and give this a chance. What harm can it do?”
“Ugggh okay fine, but she better not sit by me, I don't want none of her cooties!”
We walked into the counselor's office, and I could have sworn all eyes were on us as if they knew what we were there for.
“See ma, even these people staring at us all funky. This ain't gone work. Can we go?” I asked as we sat down in the waiting room.
“Maybe this was a bad idea Mama” Kita responded
“Oh, now you wanna speak. No you were a bad idea all together.” I replied with an attitude.
“Mariyah don't start!” Mama warned.
“I ain't startin nothin mama, ya'll brought me here thinkin it would help this thing but honestly I could care less about her and her getting help. She should of reached out for help a long time ago.”
“Can you please not speak about me like I'm not sitting here?”
“Can you please not speak to me at all?”
“Mariyah cut it out now and sit down!” Mama snapped. I could tell she was getting upset.
“Fine, but I'm not happy about it.”
“Ugh you’re such a brat!” Kita scoffed at me.
’re such a hoe but you don't see me going all willie nillie and judging you do you?” I replied.
“That's exactly what you
“Aw well, oh well I don't really care. Let's just get this over with.”
“That's the best thing you've said so far”
From the look mama had on her face, Kita and I had just embarrassed her. Not intentionally of course, but it was too late to take it all back. Besides, I actually meant what I said. I couldn't believe she brought me to a crazy doctor as if I was the one that needed counseling. Clearly she had it all wrong. But because she is my mom and I love her and would do anything for her, I chose to sit through it as long as this crazy doctor doesn't get to talking out the side of her neck.
“Jacobs Family” the nurse announced.
“Right here” mama answered “Come on girls”
“I think we should discuss this a little more mama before we take this step” Kita said.
“Girl don't nobody wanna discuss nothing with you. What you scared they bout to reveal more of your secrets?” I replied
“That's enough you two, let’s go NOW!” Mama snapped.
As we walked down the hall, I noticed how sad Kita looked. She looked like she had lost her best friend. I actually thought I saw a tear fall from her eye. Part of me wanted to jump up and down and say finally she feels the pain that we feel, but a small part of me felt sorry for her. Oh well, guess the big part of me won. Hate it for her. No sympathy here. Again I ask, why should I feel sorry for her after what she had done. I mean come on now. Nobody has heard from Auntie Lynn since that night. Melanie is an emotional wreck. My mom and dad are barely speaking to each other. Seriously, she has torn our family apart. Therefore, forgiveness will not come easily, if it comes at all.
We walked into this office with a big comfy couch that would definitely put you to sleep if you laid on it long enough. Mama and Kita sat on the couch, me, of course I had to be the odd ball, I sa
t in a recliner in the corner far away from the family’s disgrace.
“Mariyah, please come sit on the couch with us.” Mama pleaded.
“Mama, it’s bad enough you have me here with a crazy doctor and the family’s whore, now you want me to sit on the same couch as her.” I replied “Sorry mama but it ain’t gone happen”
I could tell mama was hurt and frustrated by her facial expressions. I just don’t understand why I have to go out of my way for Kita. It doesn’t make sense to me and I don’t like it one bit.
“Mariyah?” Dr. Andrews said. “Why don’t you want to sit next to your mom? It may make this process a lot easier.”
“Look Dr., I don’t want to be here or around her as it is, so me sitting there won’t make anything easier. What difference does it make where I sit? It’s not like I can’t hear what’s being said and ya’ll can definitely hear me. So what’s the real problem?” I snapped
“tsk” Kita smacked her lips and shook her head.
“Is there a problem?” I stood up and asked her.
“Yea it is!” She exclaimed.
“You’re right! It is a problem and that problem is you!”
“I get it Mariyah, you hate me. I get it ok, but you don’t have to keep throwing it in my face over and over. You have always hated me, why should now be any different.”
“Don’t go playing the innocent victim roll Kita! I didn’t hate you until a couple days ago. True I didn’t like you but that was your fault cuz of your attitude. We used to get along so good Kita. Remember? But you changed when you turned a teenager. Now you went and messed up our family, no scratch that, you destroyed our family, you and Dre, and now I’m supposed to jump on Kita’s train and forgive her for what she put us through. Am I the only one that see’s anything wrong with that picture? Why am I being singled out of this family like it’s not more people involved? You want to start the healing process then why ain't everybody else here so we can start together. I’m sorry but don’t expect me to feel any different because I don’t. And before you ask Dr. Andrews, yes I feel hatred towards my so called sister, no I don’t want to repair our relationship, no I don’t plan on forgiving and forgetting, and no I don’t want to be here or talk about this anymore.”
As I sat back down into my seat, I looked at Kita who had folded her arms and scooted back on the couch and had nothing to say. Mama was completely at lost for words.
“Well” Dr. Andrews said. “Thank you for sharing with us Mariyah! Markita, Mom…do you two have anything you’d like to say?”
“I mean she said enough for us all. Ain’t nothing left to say” Kita responded.
On the ride home, Mama was completely silent. She looked so weak and tired. I started worrying about her then I began to think that maybe I had something to do with it. I mean I did go off when she was only trying to make everything better. I didn’t understand was I supposed to bite my tongue and let it all slide or was I right for speaking my mind and letting them all know how I felt. That was the point of that little appointment was it not? Maybe I was a little too harsh. Mama was the fixer of everything. But this time, this was something that wasn’t going to be fixed right away if at all.
As we pulled into our driveway, I noticed DJ’s car parked in front. Mama headed straight over there, but me, I hesitated because I already knew it would be more drama. I couldn’t take much more. I called J and told him that me and Mel needed to get out tonight and have some fun. He said that his brother was having a card party tonight at his crib and they wanted us to come. By now, everyone knew what was going on. Everyone’s main focus of course was on Melanie and finding Auntie Lynn. I told him I would definitely be there but trying to convince Mel to come out with us would be the hard part, especially with DJ here now. So I decided to call her instead of facing her face to face. At least this way I didn’t have to see the hurt in her eyes.
“Hello” she answered with irritation in her voice.
“You ok?” I instantly asked.
“I guess. These detectives and everybody driving me crazy, not giving me no privacy or room to
breathe. It’s too much Riyah, I don’t know how to deal with it all.”
“Look sis, you need some air! You wanna go out with us tonight? We could all use some fresh air and some fun and laughs.”
“I do, but I feel like I need to be here in case she calls or comes home.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell her what I really wanted to tell her, which was do you really think she is coming home. I personally feel that I should say something to someone, but because my best friend asked me not to, I won’t.
“I feel you sis, I would to. Brad come back yet?”
“No, DJ called Deondre and told him to bring him home to us but we ain’t heard nothing from him yet. That was earlier.”
“DJ and his girl here with your parents and the detectives. My grama and auntie on they way. I really don’t want to be bothered with all them you know.”
“Yea I know sis. So come out with me and J. We won’t stay long. We can just go check it out then leave if you want. At least come get some fresh air.”
. Im finna holla at DJ then get dressed. Give me bout 30”
, I’m bout to hop in the shower. Meet you on the porch.”
“K. Thanks Riyah!”
“You’re my best friend girl, it’s what I’m here for. Duuuh!!!”
“Ok” she chuckled. I was so happy I finally got a smile out of her and I got her to come out. I had to make sure she had a good time, even if it was only for a couple of seconds. I called J and told him she was coming and we had to make sure she laughed harder than ever before. He promised me that he and Jacob and everybody else would take care of it.
We went out and had a good time, but I could tell Melanie didn’t want to be there. She laughed at most of the jokes even though it seemed like she had to push the laugh out. I knew she was ready to go. Question was, where did she want to go. Going to her house would make her depressed all over again, going to my house would probably piss her off, so where could I take her.
“Do you want to go somewhere else” I asked her.
“I do but I don’t.” She replied. “I feel guilty, I feel like I should be out looking for her instead of trying to have fun and joke around.”
“Yea but we both know
Auntie Lynn would not want us sitting around worrying about her, she would want us to enjoy ourselves and live no matter what.”
“You sound just like her saying that.” She chuckled.
“See, you know it’s the truth.”
“Still I know she’s out there somewhere, I just want to know that she is ok.”
“Have you thought anymore about what you told me?”
“Imma ignore it like I been doing.”
“Melanie! You do realize, no matter how much you don’t want to face it, that it is a possibility that it’s true don’t you?”
“Yea” she began to cry.
“We gotta tell Mel! We have to!” I said as I hugged her tight.
“I know, I know but I can’t bring myself to believe it so how can I tell it to anybody.”
“You don’t have to do it by yourself, I will be there every step of the way and that’s a promise. But the sooner we say something, the sooner the police can do their jobs.”
“I know, I’m just scared”
Before I could respond, I received a text message…
Do not tell anyone about this, come to the Best Western room 19 it is an emergency. No one else should know about this. Please keep it to yourself and come quick!!!!!!”
I did not know how to respond because I didn’t know who it was. I never saw that number before. The only thing that I could say was…
“Ok, I am on the way”
As if I needed anything else to think about. Who could it be? What was the emergency? I told J to take me to the hotel and the look he gave me was a weird one. I told him and Mel about the text message and they were both reluctant for me to go in alone but I told them not to worry it was probably just Kita trying to get me to change my mind about being on her side.
When we pulled into the parking lot, I looked for Kita’s car but didn’t see it. My mind started wondering, thinking maybe she parked somewhere else trying to hide. But when I knocked on the door and it opened, I was not prepared for what I saw.
“Are you by yourself?”
“No, Mel and J are in the car”
“Did you tell them anything?”
“No, I didn’t know what to tell them”
I sat on the bed speechless. I remember reading the letter Auntie Lynn left…
To my precious daughter,
No words can express how hurt I am. The pain inside is too much for me to live with. I feel like it’s suffocating me. I cannot breath in this house, in this world. The love that I had for your father is crippling me. I don’t know that I can ever forgive him for what he has done to our family. I don’t know that I can ever exist in the same world that he exists in again. Mentally, I am not here. I am lost, confused, so very
very very hurt and there is nothing that anyone can do or say to make the pain go away. There is only one thing left for me to do. I don’t want to leave you and your brothers, but I cannot allow you to see me this way. I am in no way able to be a mother or a human at this moment. Not for certain that I will ever be again. Please don’t cry for me. I love you to the end of the world and back again!
Lost for words, trying to get my thoughts together but the only thing that I can think of was thank GOD she was ok. But why me though? Why not Mel?
“We thought you were dead!” I told her.
She sighed before responding.
“I thought about it, had every intention of taking my life, but all I could think about were my children and you guys. I couldn’t go through it.” She explained.
“But why me? I mean Mel has been going crazy, scared to death. The police are looking for you. We filed a missing persons report. Everybody is worried about you.”
“I didn’t mean to worry everybody. I didn’t expect to be alive still. Now that I am, I needed to talk to someone who felt the same way inside as I do before I faced my family.”
I understood what Auntie Lynn was saying. I was angry at her for putting us all through this especially her own daughter, but I was so happy to know that she was alive and ok.
We talked for a little bit longer, then I went to the car to get Mel. I didn’t tell her who was inside so when she went in she fell to her knees. I left my best friend and my auntie in that hotel. I texted my mom to let her know Auntie Lynn was ok . I didn’t know what would happen next but all that mattered at that moment was that Mel was happy again.