Finding the Thing Within (8 page)

“I’ll be right back; I’m going to the bathroom, if the waiter comes, order me something with fish.”

***

The toilets were not very big, just enough space for a sink, two urinals and a separate little room with the toilet. As Rosario walked in, he saw the young man washing his hands at the sink. He waited and then asked:

“Salesman?”
“Yeah, why? You too?”
“So we’re colleagues then, what do you sell?” “Lingerie and you?”
“Electronics.”
“Oh, interesting!”
“Well, used to be we sold a lot more. Now it’s all in

these hypermarkets and malls, either you’re inside or you don’t sell.”

“Tell me about it, everyone things that selling clothes is great money, but we’ve been hit hard too by these big places. Everybody buys now directly from the stock-house and there’s no more job for the salesman. We are surviving mostly by selling to tiny village shops.”

“I know exactly what you mean. We’re in the same boat, you and I,” and he shot him a provocative look.
“You too. If you want, we can meet up again some other time. I’m from Palermo, and you?”
“Me too!” and they swapped numbers.
“Oh, my name’s Rosario. Do you mind if I go out first?”
“Fine. My name’s Maurizio.”
Rosario was no longer impressed by how easy it was to pick someone up. The right kind of look at the right time told you enough to understand if someone was interested. He had become a master at this technique. Lorenzo had ordered the fish risotto for both of
them and Rosario was happy with the choice.
“All that time to wash your hands?”
“There was a queue!”
Lorenzo said nothing more and carried on eating
happily. Rosario thought he was either a genius at acting
or he hadn’t understood a thing. He watched him closely to
try and see which it was. The rest of the afternoon also
went by quickly but then on the return journey in the car,
Lorenzo, with his head resting on Rosario’s shoulder,
asked about what had gone on in the bathroom at lunchtime. Rosario blushed lightly and hesitated just for a
second before recovering and saying in a confidant voice: “Yeah he was a colleague; we just shot the breeze
a little.”
“So why didn’t you tell me? You think I didn’t see
you looking at him all the time?”
“Come on, I was looking at him like I look at everyone.”
“And you think I believe that?”
“What? Are you jealous? Didn’t we establish that
we’re not anything official? We’re just seeing each other
without ties, aren’t we?”
“Yeah, whatever..!”
“Listen Lorenzo, don’t get ideas. I told you a while
ago now that I’m a free spirit and that I won’t be tied down.
It’s already hard enough that I’m really beginning to care
for you. Hard because it already puts limits on my freedom.”
“I’m not stopping you doing anything.”
They continued on in silence. When they got back
to the city they said goodbye and agreed to meet up the
following day.

Part 8

He was thinking continuously of Lorenzo and about how he had said that he did not want to rush things. It seemed that Rosario’s concept of time was different to that of Lorenzo’s. He took Tullio’s business card from his pocket, and seeing an email address on it, decided to send an email to the architect friend:

“Dear Sir,

I read about the study of the sound environment that you created in the search for high-fidelity, recently debased and rendered less important with the sale of supermarket hi-fi's. I, as a professional sound technician, would hate to see the loss of the aims of high-fidelity and am pleased that there are people like yourself who still value the quality of the sound of the music. Perhaps we could meet to discuss such things.”

***

“Hello. Hey Lorenzo! What are you doing?”

“Studying. I’ve got exams in a few days and I’m behind with the revision.”
“Do you want to go for a walk in the city center later on?”
“Why not!” They agreed on a place to meet at four o’clock, and as usual Lorenzo made him wait, this time twenty minutes. He didn’t get annoyed though, since there was nothing else to be late for, they were just going for a walk. When he did turn up, Rosario was disappointed. He wasn’t wearing his glasses and he looked worse than ever, his eyes were slightly crossed and his freshly shaven face didn’t look very masculine.
“Why aren’t you wearing your glasses?”
“You said you didn’t like them. I put my contacts in.”
“Yes I did say that, but now I’m not sure you don’t look better with them on after all.”
“I’ve got them with me, if you want I’ll put them on…” After putting them on, Rosario thought he looked much better.
“I sent an email to Tullio.”
“What about?” he asked, suddenly worried.
“Don’t worry. I just said that I’m a high-fidelity expert and who would like to meet him and talk.”
“And if he asks you who gave you the email address?”
“Oh right. What should I say?”
“What you can do is, when Tullio finished his paper he published it on the internet so you can say you came across it, found his email address and decided to contact him.”
“Good idea, if he asks, that’s what I’ll tell him. Shall we go?”
“Where are we going?”
“Near here there’s a shop where my friend works and I want you to meet her, what do you think?”
Lorenzo agreed, so they went.
Giorgia sold things for newborn babies and the shop was doing well enough to allow her to travel twice a year. She lived with Federico De Giorgi, a nice guy three years younger than her and so the same age as Rosario. They got on well and had many likes in common except dancing. Giorgia loved dancing and before she met Federico she used to go dancing every weekend to burn off the stress of selling baby clothes to mothers. Since they had been together, there had been much less of that and she would let him know that she wasn’t happy about it. She accepted, though, that in every couple there must be some sacrifice to move closer together. She sacrificed dancing. Federico, for his part, accepted that she smoked and she smoked a lot.
They reached the door of the shop and stopped. They could see Giorgia serving a customer inside. Then she saw them:
“Rosario! My darling!” and she threw her arms around his neck, not thinking for a second what those in the shop might think.
“Ciao Giò, this is Lorenzo.”
“Hi Lorenzo! Wait for me in here I’ll just be two seconds with this client,” and she went off.
“What do you think?”
“She seems a unique and attractive woman.”
“Yes, she is.”
They sat for a moment and then Giorgia came back.
“So you’re Lorenzo. Rosario has spoken to me about you.”
“Yes he spoke about you too.”
“Call me Giorgia. Any friend of a friend is a friend of mine.”
“Fine by me,” he said as he stroked Rosario’s arm, who was happier than ever.
“What do you do Lorenzo?”
“I’m studying engineering and I play basketball.”
“Oh so you’re sporty! That explains the body.”
“Thanks,” said Lorenzo timidly.
“What do you think?” Rosario asked Giorgia.
“Well, ok if you want me to be honest, you know I don’t mince my words,” and she turned to Lorenzo. “From what Rosario told me I expected you to be wilder, I’m not saying that you’re not, just I was thinking of someone more...‘Rough’. You look all refined and clean, just the opposite of his usual type.”
Then Giorgia told him about her life, her adventures when she was young and then about her marriage and subsequent divorce. She spoke about the sacrifices and mistrust she had to face in setting up a shop, alone as a divorced woman. The shop was in a gossiping neighborhood and she was proud to have gotten past many taboos and prejudices.
“What did you think of her now?” asked Rosario again, when they left the shop.
“I think she has a really strong personality and you need guts to live through a situation like hers.”
They walked around together for a while but Lorenzo was feeling uneasy. He would often get uneasy in public. He was convinced all the time that someone he knew was going to see them and he would have no realistic way of introducing Rosario. Rosario understood and they parted unfavorably.

***

It had been since the previous day that he had not heard from Lorenzo but he had been busy working on the famous prototype for the phone company that wanted the rights. He was tired so he had a shower, ate and watched some TV. He especially liked documentaries and current affairs programs. He hardly spoke to his mother, she was doing enough talking for the both of them. The poor woman stayed at home all day without speaking to anyone, so when Rosario came in she took the chance to tell him everything she had done or thought that day:

“Oh and you know that big stain up there on the ceiling? It was like I was saying, it’s that the woman who lives upstairs has a broken tube in her bathroom that’s leaking. I have to tell her that I’m not going to pay her one lira. She can fix my ceiling as soon as she’s got her own damage sorted out. And you should tell her too, you’re the man of the house now and you should say something. Oh if only your father was till alive, he’d do something about it. If they only hear me they say bad things about me. What can they accuse me of but trying my best and minding my own business? No, this time they won’t...are you even listening to me?”

“Yes I’m listening to you, but stay quiet for a bit while I watch the news. We can talk about the problems with the house later on, Ok?”

Later he got tired of watching television and his eyes were sore with tiredness. He would just check his inbox before he went to bed.

“Ciao my little friend and great lover, I thought you would expect a letter from me...and I thought of writing to you too...yesterday was great with you. I experienced entirely new sensations and as my affection for you grows, so does the fear of losing you. Last night I was super-happy but thoughtful! I didn’t answer straight away because I didn’t want to let all my fears flood out and ruin the moments that we are sharing. It would have been stupid. The other day in the country I didn’t want to let you go, I wanted to stay there and spend the night with you. Maybe I’m falling in love? I don’t know but I think maybe something is still missing for it to be called love. At any rate I feel so peaceful lying next to you, I feel good. Who knows if you feel similar things for me? If these feelings are new for you too? I missed you today and I missed your voice too. Have you seen ‘Le Fate Ignoranti’? Ciao, your Lorenzo”

“Ciao Lorenzo. Why ‘Little friend’? Maybe because I’m smaller than you, and why ‘great lover? Maybe because I am!

I really enjoyed the other day as well and I’m getting more attached to you as time goes on, but for God’s sakes please don’t say the words ‘falling in love’, they scare me. I’m not ready for such strong feelings. I’ve already told you we’re fine as it is, why fix something which isn’t broken? I’m afraid of being dragged into a situation which I can’t escape from. I don’t want to fall in love; all of this is strange and new for me. Anyway, for the rest...the prototype is ready and I’m going to send it off tomorrow. I hope it goes well.

XX Rosario”
PS, yes I have seen ‘Le Fate Ignoranti’ and I really liked it.

Part 9

Rosario started getting scared, scared of himself. Maybe that sense of joyful affection that he was constantly feeling really was love? It couldn’t be, he had always been so immune, surely it was just another summer infatuation. It had happened before in previous summers. So how was it that he felt differently this time? Maybe it was just a little more intense this time or maybe he was just a bit more involved. At any rate, he liked Lorenzo much more than any of those other boys. Or was it predestined ever since the Tarot reading? Although he tried to ignore it all, he was surely psychologically convinced that the predictions of the cards were somehow involved–but surely he was not in love, surely it wasn’t possible. With all these confused thoughts in his head, he fell asleep and dreamed once more of the monster. Except this time the monster was not ugly and frightening but angelic and crowned with light. Gone were the multiple limbs and it was dressed all in white and was laughing loudly. Without a break in the laughter it said:

“Come on, you laugh too! It’s good to laugh! Let yourself go and follow me and I’ll take you to a beautiful place.”

He followed and they came to a beautifully lush and sunlit lawn. Turning his head, he could see on the right a large, snow-covered mountain. There was no feeling of cold though; on the other hand he was feeling warm and peaceful. On his left there was a sea, a strange and pretty pink-colored sea and the monster invited him towards it.

“No, stop, I’m not a strong swimmer and it looks cold!”
“No, don’t worry, the water is lovely and warm and I’m here with you. Don’t be scared, come up here on my arms,” and he saw the monsters arm warp around and grow to become a ramp down into the water.
He walked along the hypothetical ramp and as he walked, the water around him got deeper. He suddenly got scared and turning around, tried to walk back but couldn’t. The water rose past his legs, his midsection and he was eventually entirely submerged. He tried to hold his breath as long as possible but after a time realized that he was breathing quite freely underwater. The sublimely beautiful monster was right next to him, and urged him on, “Don’t worry, I’m here and I won’t leave you. Trust me.”

***

He woke up sweating and found himself tightly wound in his bedsheets. His pillow had fallen to the floor. He got up swaying dizzily and heard the voice of his mother.

“You were sleep-talking, what were you dreaming about? You kept shouting ‘I’m scared, I’m scared’, what were you scared of?”

“I don’t know, I can’t remember.” He got the package ready, took it to the post office and sent it. On one hand he was happy because that patent could really bring him money, but on the other he was anxious. Of course, he thought the money and love foretold by the woman with the cards must be his patent for the phone modification, and Lorenzo.

***

A year earlier, Rosario had been flicking through the papers when he saw an advertisement for Gore Vidal’s ‘The Statue of Salt’ and he read what the newspaper had to say about it. It sounded good and so he went and bought it. He read it incessantly, 200 pages in three days and couldn’t pull himself from it. It told the story of two fifteen-year-old boys who had grown up together. One day, while they were playing and wrestling to see who was the stronger, they ended up making love. When their paths separated, they could both only think of the other. They were in love. After ten years they saw each other again. The book had been so powerful that he thought now of lending it to Lorenzo. However, Lorenzo said that he thought he had perhaps read it already.