Fur Magic Boxed Set: Talisman, Sage, Fawn, Lola: Paranormal Romantic Comedy (12 page)
Read Fur Magic Boxed Set: Talisman, Sage, Fawn, Lola: Paranormal Romantic Comedy Online
Authors: Colleen Charles
I stood in the middle of the garden path and faced off against El Chupacabra. Not how I’d envisioned the end of my day when I woke up in Penelope’s warm bed this morning. Okay, I had to admit it. I felt like pissing my kitty pants. But now here I was, with my fur standing on end and my consummate girlfriend, Lola, trembling in the brittlebush nearby and trusting me to defend her honor.
Please don’t hack now, doll.
I’m warning you buddy. I’ve got claws and I’m not afraid to use them.
I had no idea if this hideous thing had telepathic powers. And prayed he didn’t because that would give our motley crew a slight advantage.
I stepped into the path and puffed out my chest. That damn thing towered above me by a good two feet. Its ugly mug scrunched up and it spat in the general vicinity of my trembling paws.
Today, we didn’t get lucky. His taunts reached my brain immediately.
Cat’s are scrawny
. He hissed as he looked me up and down.
They get stuck in my teeth, but I’ll make an exception for that pretty little feline.
El Chupacabra pointed a curved talon at Lola, whose usually sleek white fur stood at odd angles as if she’d been electrified by lightning from the puce clouds still swirling overhead.
Sage soared above us. Safe. I could almost feel the whisper soft flaps of his wings as he flew in tight circles.
My kitty paws trembled on the rough-hewn path, but I didn’t back down. I couldn’t let the monster, all horns and gangly limbs, get near my friends. Even if it meant losing yet another of my nine lives. I tried not to think about how I was starting to get short on those bad boys.
What a week.
Quit complaining and get rid of that thing.
Sage’s thoughts were a whine of terror. Lola was silent, a bundle of nerves. She was glued to the spot, staring at the monster with those azure eyes as wide as the expanse of the deep blue sea.
My protective instincts went into overdrive.
Run, Lola, run as fast as you can and don’t look back. And if one of us doesn’t get out of this alive, I really dig you, girl.
But she still didn’t move. Worse yet, she didn’t acknowledge my declaration of love. Well, I hadn’t
exactly
said the ‘L’ word but she had to know what I meant. Her terror held her immobile, and she probably wouldn’t be able to unwind until the creature was out of sight.
Lightning crackled in the clouds and El Chupacabra stepped toward me, then toward Lola, horrible yellow fangs dripping saliva. And evil.
And death.
Hey, Goat Licker!
I turned around and showed him my tail, along with the perfectly preened leg hairs I cleaned nightly. And of course, my perfectly round asshole that I also probably licked but wouldn’t admit it.
Lick this!
The beast let out a horrific roar which shook the ground beneath my feet. I darted along the path as fast as my paws could carry me. I was usually the predator, at least when it came to milk and kibble, but this time the roles were reversed. I became the hunted.
El Chupacabra thundered up behind me, each step rattling loose stones on the ground. I had to get around to the front of the house, lead him away before he caught me, killed me and turned to finish off my friends.
I’ve got your fur, Talisman.
Sage swept over my head and dived down behind me, just as the heat of the monster’s breath touched the fur of my hind legs.
A scream rent the air, followed by a shriek of terror from Sage.
Sage! Are you okay?
The owl didn’t answer and the beat of El Chupacabra’s hooves cut off.
I skidded around the corner and spied the front door with my kitty flap, which led to the safe haven of the house.
Answer me you old codger!
I couldn’t leave Sage behind without the certainty that he’d be okay.
Farewell, old friend.
Sage’s thought sent a jolt of fear down my spine. My fur stood on end and I spun on the spot and sprinted back the way I’d come. I came around the side of the house, heart pumping against my rib cage and the beginnings of a headache spreading up my spine and into the base of my brain. The adrenaline and fear migraine.
The monster stood nearby, holding Sage in both hands, green talons wrapped around the wise bird’s body. Squeezing. Trying to wring the life right out of him. Sage’s eyes protruded and he gave a strangled hoot.
Sage, no!
My insides turned to milky soup and I clawed my away across the grass, pulling up clumps of soil with my erect claws.
You always were an idiot. But what did I expect? You’re a cat.
Sage’s insults were laced with a tone of finality, like this was the last time he’d ever get to poke fun at me. He gave a hooting wheeze, head lolling to one side.
El Chupacabra opened his dripping maw to bite off my old friend’s head. This couldn’t be the end to Sage’s story.
No!
I yowled and leapt at the creature, claws extended and sharp.
Bonsai!
Tweety rocketed out from under the eaves, a yellow ball of feathered Finch fury, heading right for El Chupacabra’s eyes. She scratched at them just as I gnawed on his gnarled, scaly hand.
The monster screamed, an ear-shattering whine which forced my ears flat against my skull of their own volition, and El Chupacabra dropped Sage, reaching up to shield its eyes from Tweety’s onslaught. She hadn’t give up yet. I’d never seen such a flurry of floozy wrath before in my life.
Way to go, trollop
. Sage started to wheeze in ragged breaths.
Take that, you oversized bag of phlegm!
I couldn’t believe that Tweety had become Sage’s unlikely savior, hurling insults and rage at El Chupacabra like an avian crazy girl.
Phlegm?
Sage coughed and shuffled to his feet.
At least her insults are creative,
I replied, nudging him to check nothing was broken.
Good to fly?
You bet your cat litter specked ass I am.
Sage took to the air without waiting for my reply, or bandying about a word of thanks. Ungrateful thief of my oxygen.
I heard that.
Sage swept over the house and Tweety retreated from her assault to follow him to the roof. Hmm, it wasn’t me he owed a thanks or an apology. The yellow Finch probably wouldn’t get one either. She’d be lucky if she got silence instead of the usual insult.
Wait, if she was up there that meant El Chupacabra …
A rage-filled scream tore through me and my poor ears squashed flat again. Uh oh. Time to get the hell outta here.
I darted back toward the front of the house and the now too-familiar stomp of the monster’s hooves followed. That sound. The stuff of nightmares. I was going to need an ear flush from Dr. Luke.
I will eat your eyes first. Then your paws. Then your …
Why was he talking so loud? Did he want the whole neighborhood to know his plans?
I stopped listening, because the alternative was wetting myself and the front steps of Pen’s house. I took them two at a time in three massive bounds, and scrabbled across the porch and to the kitty door. I prayed that Lola had gotten her sweet behind inside and would be waiting on the other side of that flap. Pain sprouted in my tail, followed by a squeal of triumph.
I howled and looked back, bearing my fangs and hissing for all I was worth.
El Chupacabra was ten times my size and he’d followed me up the steps and slammed his rotting hoof down on my tail. I jerked and tried to get myself free, the tugging pain at the point where my spin became my gorgeous tail, my pride and joy, screaming in protest.
Now, I eat you.
Okay, okay. I hear you.
Talons raked at my fur, scratching at the skin beneath. I wrenched my tail and turned onto my back, using the power of my hind legs to scratch at his wrist and draw the first blood.
El Chupacabra shrieked and shifted his hoof for the briefest moment. It was all I needed. I wriggled free and dashed through the kitty door to safety, panting like a lesser animal. A dog for instance. But I’d pissed the monster off. And I had a feeling it wouldn’t go quietly.
The entrance hall to Penelope’s smelled of home, lavender candles and the strange mix of Pen’s cooking and her citrusy perfume. Add a hint of sandlewood incense and the mystery of her magic. My fur immediately smoothed on my back and I let out a sigh.
Oh, Tali, I was so worried.
Lola appeared at my side. She licked at my ears, then started down my back and to my tail.
Careful.
I hissed, flicking the sore appendage out of reach.
Lola purred instead of responding and rubbed against my whiskers with her own. Yeah, I’d scored major brownie points this time. Lola was my girl for good this time. I turned to nuzzle her nose.
El Chupacabra’s scaly hand burst through the kitty flap, feeling across the wooden boards. I jumped out of his path, just in time.
Lola wasn’t as lucky.
The evil bastard grabbed her by the scruff of her neck and proceeded to drag my woman toward the flap.
Tali!
Lola’s scream caused a ripple of terror to course through my body. I leapt up and twisted mid-air, then came soaring down and crashed onto the back of the creature’s forearm.
Take that, you cretin.
I growled, and slashed my claws up and down his arm, in the way I’d accosted Pen’s favorite feather pillow in a moment of weakness. I’d been shamed over the scolding for days.
El Chupacabra let go of Lola and withdrew his arm. I got off just in time to miss decapitation a la cat flap, and landed beside my woman, hackles raised.
Get upstairs.
I commanded, and she didn’t hesitate to follow my orders, white tail rigid as a pole as she ascended the teak steps to the second floor. We’d both seen enough of the monster for one day.
The front door banged and rattled, hinges squealing, threatening to snap and cave inwards.
Apparently, the monster hadn’t seen enough of us. The only thing still at issue was who’d sent him.
Looks like the end of the road old friend.
Sage’s thoughts travelled down from the roof, a mental soundtrack to my doom.
The front door of Penelope’s house bent inwards in a way that wood wasn’t supposed to. A few more hard knocks and the thing would crumble like a cookie in Santa’s beard. Not my best metaphor, but cut me some slack. I’m in the middle of a crisis here.
Uh, how’s about a Sit Rep there, commentator?
I sent that back with equal parts desperation and disdain, just so he’d know I was okay. Sarcasm was our chosen method of communication, regardless of external circumstances.
You’re not gonna like it. Looks like our friend McUgly is about to make life a whole lot more difficult for you. And Penelope’s on the way.
Great.
I said to no one in particular, and added a doleful meow for effect. I did feel sorry for myself but this was an exceptional circumstance. I was about to lose a life, maybe two, to a slobbering monster whose choice of meat wasn’t even cat. It was goat. Seriously, Casper?
Hashtag, screw Goaturday.
Caturday will never die.
Pleased to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor, furminator.
Sage stayed perched on the roof serving as lookout and spouting off at the lip, I mean beak. The front door banged again, the old wood of Penelope’s home, that historic manse which I’d lived in for hundreds of years, groaned its protest.
I had to deal with this before Penelope got home and fell victim to El Chupacabra’s talons – that was exactly what Lucinda Chokecherry wanted, and I refused to let her have her way, the evil witch.
That left me with one option and I didn’t like it. I darted into Penelope’s living room and closed my eyes to transform, using the green gem which hung around my neck on the sparkling collar Penelope’s ancestor had picked out for me.
My arms and legs stretched and reformed, a few seconds of strange throbbing and heat, a dizzying rush of noise, and then I was the devastatingly handsome human Talisman. I grabbed the velvet sofa throw from the end of Penelope’s mauve chair and wrapped it around my waist to cover my nudity, tying a knot at my hip.
I looked fancy. Kind of like a hula girl, if she didn’t wear a grass skirt, had no boobs and was blessed with a set of abs to make a Greek God weep tears of jealousy. So, nothing like a hula girl then. But I dug my faux skirt.
The front door rattled and creaked again, the first crack of wood breaking brought me back from the post-change haze.
Two minute warning, Liam Purrsworth, Pen’s coming down the drive and she’s got that zonked out worried look on her face
. Sage’s words pierced straight through to my human heart.
Is she alone?
It looks like it. You’d better end this before it ends you.
I didn’t need to be told twice. I sprinted into the entrance hall, just as the monster heaved at the door a final time. It burst at the seams with a series of ear-shattering cracks. Wood splintered and soared across the foyer.
I raised my muscly arms to defend my beefcake face and squinted through the gap between my forearms.
The dust cleared slowly, and through it stepped El Chupacabra. Hooves clattered on the floorboards, ripe with horrible fluids which would stain for sure. Talons dripped with its own blood, raw from scratching and hammering to get inside.
Apparently, I’d pissed the monster off so bad it’d abandoned all thoughts of eating goats and had come after me instead.
Talisman one, Casper zero. Or was it the other way around?
El Chupacabra blinked in the low light, searching the ground for my cat form. I waved at him.
Hey asshole, up here.
Language, you don’t want to enrage him further with Penelope in range. Sage lectured from above, which was rich coming from him.
Huh?
El Chupacabra looked at the new human, me, and shook his head to clear it of whatever thought he’d held. There wasn’t a chance in cat hell that the creature had more than a single thought flowing through its brain at any given moment.
You wanna dance, pretty boy?
I taunted him as I raised my fists and hopped from side-to-side, using my man muscles for the greater good. I mimicked the action movies I’d caught snatches of by peering through neighbor’s windows.
Where’s the feline?
I’ve got your cat right here.
I jogged forward and rammed my shoulder into the beast. It was like running arm first into a cement truck. Boy, this thing was tough. I started to worry whether the normally spectacular human Talisman had what it takes to bring the thing to its knobby knees.
He stumbled back a few steps, blinking his beady yellow eyes, scaly forehead wrinkling and emitting a line of green droplets.
Gross.
El Chupacabra opened its fleshy jowls and shrieked at me, bathing my human in the stench of a thousand dog corpses.
I coughed and sputtered, raising a hand to defend my nostrils, and the monster chose its moment. He dived, arms outstretched and tackled me. We soared through the entrance hall and slid across the floor, crashing into the wall at the far end.
A painting slid loose and crashed down on top of El Chupacabra’s head. His eyes crossed and his head lolled. I spun him onto his back and wrestled him onto the ground, pinning his arms to the side and holding my breath for all I was worth.
El Chupacabra’s hooves battered the boards, the hollow thunk-thunk thundering in my ears. I looked down at the amulet. My gem had already gone from a healthy jade to the faded yellow of citrine. Not much time left. If Penelope didn’t get here soon, this thing would be able to get free.
I needed her magic to banish it, assuming that didn’t go wrong too.
Couple that with the fact that my makeshift skirt had jostled loose… this was a recipe for disaster. What if it grabbed my …
El Chupacabra roared, worming its hands against my meaty thighs, trying to free itself from my Talisman chokehold.
“What the …?” Penelope spoke behind me.
I glanced back and beckoned with one hand, pointing from El Chupacabra to her and back again.
She was wide-eyed, oblivious. “How did you get in here?” she asked. Really? She was worried about a hot intruder at a time like this?
Yeah, because that’s what matters right now, when I’ve got a mythical monster pinned on the floor and a velvet throw protecting the family jewels.
I almost wish I was there to see it. Almost.
Shut up, or owl be seeing your feathered head on a fencepost.
“Oh, my. It’s okay, stranger. I can fix this. If it’s summoned it can be banished,” she said, finally clicking as to what my mute human form was desperate to get across. That was my master. She might take a while to get around to it, but she was quick as a whip when she wanted to be.
Penelope disappeared into the study and came running out with a Book of Shadows. Hopefully, the right Book of Shadows this time.
Come on, Pen, come on.
I glanced down at my amulet and gulped. Human Talisman was running out of time and then El Chupacabra would be free to maim. And kill.
“Ah, I’ve got it. Creature of doom be banished now, to the hells from whence you came. Should you yearn for light not shadow, you will know a deathly hallow.” Penelope shut her eyes and swayed in time to the weird chant.
Oh boy, I hated those chanty things. They never worked the way they should and with Penelope’s powers weakening…
Pop!
El Chupacabra disappeared from beneath me and my knees connected with the wooden boards, scraping the skin.
Ouch, that was unfair.
Still, better than having your head ripped off by the monster, wouldn’t you say? Sage chirped from the roof.
Is there no end to your wise cracks?
I rose from the floor and turned to Pen, who stood staring, pale and wide-eyed at the spot where El Chupacabra had been.
She met my gaze and her mouth dropped open. She stammered for a full minute, then turned on her heel and ran out of the front door and into the bright sunlight cascading from the heavens.
Uh Oh.