Handful of Heaven (8 page)

“Neither do I. Then how about one Bible studier helping out a wannabe Bible studier.”

“Haven’t we been here before? Why would my answer be different?”

“Well, you’ve had time to think about it. You’ve had time to see I’m an okay guy—I mean, above average. I at least come with morals, principles and good references.”

If she wasn’t careful, she was going to start liking him even more. “Okay. Agreed. I’ll go to the coffee house with you, but it’s not a date.”

“Not a date. Two people just going to a Bible study together. Good night, Paige.” He shut the door and he was gone. Not even the faintest hint of him remained as the fierce storm closed in around her, leaving her alone again.
Alone,
being the key word.

What was it about Evan Thornton that made her feel the sting of loneliness when he was gone? She hated to think about it. She didn’t want to admit she had any shred of that young, foolish girl she’d once been left inside her. She was a practical, hardworking woman who knew how to get things done. What was it that she heard endlessly from people? Sensible to a fault. Yep, that was her. So why on earth was she wishing that she’d said yes to Evan as a date instead of as a friend?

Because I’m insane. It was the only thing that made sense. Maybe it was some sort of mid-life crisis. Or a reaction to all the long backbreaking hours she’d been working. A woman couldn’t put in horribly long work days seven days a week forever. Something was bound to give…apparently, today, it was her sanity.

I’d better schedule an afternoon off and soon.

Well…she amended. Maybe after the month’s financial statements were done. As she sat forward, as if that would help her see better through the snow battering the windshield, she realized that while she was heading home, it would be no night of leisure. There was the bookwork to do. At least she had all but the day’s receipts at home. She’d do a little computer work until bedtime.

Even in four-wheel drive, the tires caught and spun in the deep drifts that covered the driveway like waves in an ocean.

Driving kept her full attention, and it was a fortunate thing she had her full attention to give. Surely the youth pastor had sent the kids home before the emergency bulletin came through. She prayed that Alex was home safe.

But it wasn’t worry over her son that troubled her as she battled to keep the Jeep on the road. No, for some reason she couldn’t explain, the soreness of being alone remained, as if the memory of Evan’s impressive presence remained like a ghost to haunt her.

You’re going to owe me big-time,
he’d said, as though it was a threat. What on earth did he mean? She’d accompany him to Bible study, introduce him so he wasn’t alone, and they’d be square, right? That’s what he meant, right?

The uncertainty stayed with her on the arduous half-mile journey to the private road that took her to her own driveway. To her relief Alex’s truck was parked squarely in the middle of the drive, caught in a drift, and so she parked behind him, knowing there was no way to get around.

The wind struck her like a boxer’s fists, and she couldn’t remember feeling a colder one, ever. The night and the darkness felt endlessly isolating as she fought her way through the drifts, and along her driveway cut between snowbound pines. The wind moaned through the snow-heavy limbs overhead, and she hurried as fast as she could manage through the blizzard conditions and to the house that emerged from the whiteout, lit windows glowing gold. There was Alex in the open doorway, calling out, glad to see her.

Not so lonesome anymore, she hurried out of the storm, hugged her son even though he protested, and gave thanks that they were safe and snug as the late-season blizzard raged on.

It was nearly an hour later by the time Evan shoveled the drifts out of the way so the garage door could close properly. He’d done as Paige had asked, returned to call the diner, given the evening cook her message and banked the fire so he could go right back out in the storm.

And why? He was frozen half to death in the subzero temperatures and even colder windchill, and his back hurt so bad he couldn’t straighten up all the way…and all for a woman. A woman who made him half crazy, judging by the way he was acting.

Although the roads were beyond dangerous to drive in, what had he done? He’d followed the wheel tracks Paige’s Jeep had left in the snow all the way to her driveway. Just to make sure she wasn’t lost in the ditch somewhere.

When he’d come across her vehicle parked neatly in the dark behind her son’s truck, unable to go any farther, he knew she must be home safe, since the walk wasn’t far. Sure enough the message light blinked on the answering machine. Since he was half-stooped anyway, he didn’t have much of a reach to hit Play.

“Hey Evan, I’m home safe. I hope you made it back up your driveway okay. Stay warm and take care of your back. Take another ibuprofen, okay?”

Was it his imagination, or was there more than friendly warmth in Paige’s voice? The machine beeped and whirred to a stop.

Agony ripped through his spine as he marched over to the fireplace, stirred the coals and added kindling to the glowing red chunks. The cedar kindling caught instantly and flame licked through the thin slivers of wood.

He crumpled paper, trying to drown out the sound and the memory of Paige’s voice and of her presence here in his house, in his home, making the loneliness so strident, it was a physical pain he could not deny.

What are you trying to tell me, Lord?
he asked as he tossed split wood into the fire. There came no answer, although the howling winds and scouring snow against the siding and along the eaves echoed in the stillness surrounding him.

He stretched for the remote and turned on the TV just for the noise. Just to make the emptiness less dark and less shadowed.

T
onight’s the night.
It was all Paige had thought about for the last hour of her shift, and it was all she could think about now as she capped the tall chocolate-banana milkshake. The diner was quieting down, and she was keeping one eye on the door waiting for Evan Thornton to walk through it.

“Ain’t it about time for you to leave?” Dave commented through the order-up window as he finished up a burger on the grill. “I’ve got things covered.”

“Thanks. If things get busy, and you need backup, I’ve got my cell. You call, I’ll come.”

“You seem awful eager. Thought you liked that Bible study you go to.”

Was that a smirk she saw beneath his mustache? Just how much did he know? She hadn’t told a soul about her arrangement with Evan. After all, they were acquaintances. That was it. She was doing him a favor, because he’d done her a favor. Right?

And if thinking of Evan made her feel a little lighter, then she didn’t have to have a reason for it, did she? It wasn’t as if anything serious was going to come of this. She’d meet him. Take him to Bible study. Introduce him. End of story. It was no big deal.

“I’m always eager to go, you know that.” She kept going on her way through the dining room. Brianna looked as though she had everything under control. She gave the teenager a smile as they passed in the aisle.

“I didn’t get even one overring all shift!” The teenager beamed. “Can you believe it?”

“Absolutely. You’re good, girl.”

“Yeah!” She practically skipped to the front.

Well, that’s progress. Paige could only hope Brandilyn’s mastery of the cash register wasn’t far behind. She slid the milkshake cup onto Alex’s table, careful of the papers scattered over the surface.

His physics book was open, and his blond head was bent over his current problem. Lost in concentration, he scribbled madly with his mechanical pencil.

She pulled a wrapped straw from her apron pocket and slipped it next to the large cup.

“Thanks, Mom.” Alex scribbled down a final number before he looked up. A deep frown of concentration dug into his forehead. “Whew. I think I nailed that. I’ve got one more.”

“Then are you heading home?”

“You know it. Want me to check on Annie?”

The mare had figured out the latest latch on her stall door. “I’d appreciate it. Call if you need me.”

“I know, Mom.” He flashed her a charming grin. “You have a good time with Mr. Thornton.”

“How did you know about that?”

“Little potatoes have big ears,” he replied, something she always used to say when he was little. Proud of himself, he grabbed the straw and tore off the wrapper. “You left it written down in your engagement diary. The one you leave open every day on the kitchen counter. It was hard to miss.”

She’d never had anything really private to write in it before. “I’m gonna ground you for that.”

“Empty threat.” He grinned even more widely, sure of himself. If nothing, her son was confident and steady. He was going to make a fine man one day, and that made her proud.

And sad. She had so little time left with her son. She wanted to hold so tightly to him and never let go. But that wasn’t good for him.

So, instead of grabbing him close, she settled for ruffling her fingertips through his hair, the way she’d done since he was a little guy. “I don’t want you to get all worried. Mr. Thornton is coming to our Bible study for the first time and I told him I’d introduce him around.”

“It’s not a date?” He looked crestfallen.

“No. You know me. I’m too busy keeping up with you and this place to find time to date. Do you need anything else before I go?”

“Mom, dating might be good for you. You know, to round out your life.”

“I wasn’t aware my life needed rounding out.”

“Sure. I saw it on
Dr. Phil
. You don’t have enough balance.” He flashed her “The Eye,” as if he had the power to charm her into seeing things his way. “And Pastor John said that you’re going to have a hard time when I go, with the empty-nest thing, so I have to be understanding. So I’m being understanding. Go. Date. I want to support you in your life choices.”

Yeah, he thought he was so funny with that glint in his eye, so confident and young. “Those are my lines, and I—”

The bell over the door chimed, announcing a new customer. Why did she automatically spin to see if it was Evan walking through her door?

“He’s here.” Alex waggled his brows. “And he brought flowers. Yeah, this is
so
not a date.”

“He just has good manners.”

“Sure, Mom, whatever you say.” Alex gave her a knowing look as he took a long pull on his milkshake. Like any teenager, he thought he knew everything.

And he would be wrong. Evan wasn’t interested in her. How could he be? Like her, he was probably work-weary and, since he’d never remarried, he probably liked it that way. She understood about wounds that no one could see, and they had a profound influence on the way someone lived their life.

“Paige.” Evan held out the wrapped bouquet of yellow tulips and daisies, small and modest and friendly. “I noticed you always keep fresh flowers by the cash register, so when I saw these I thought you could use them.”

See? Good manners, just as she’d thought. “They’re lovely, and that’s thoughtful of you, considering I’m the one who owes you a favor.”

“After tonight, we’re even.” He handed her the flowers with a good-humored grin.

“Unless something else comes up and you help me out again.” She brushed the edge of a daisy’s silken petals with her fingertips. “Brianna, could you put these in water? And you can handle things until I get back?”

“Yeah, and Dave’s, like, in charge. So chill and have a good time with Mr. Thornton.” Brianna cracked her gum and waggled her brows.

It was probably hard for a teenage girl to understand. Paige knew, because she’d once been like that, too, filled with ideas of romance. But no more. She fetched her book bag from beneath the front counter and grabbed her jacket from the rack by the door. It surprised her when Evan caught hold of the sleeve and helped her into her coat.

He was only being a gentleman, which he proved again as he held the door for her. She listened to the delighted goodbyes from Alex and Brianna and rolled her eyes.

“At least it’s a nice enough evening that we can walk.”

“It is.” Was that his attempt at starting a conversation? Paige listened to the echo of their shoes on the concrete. “It looks as if your back is doing better.”

“I’m happy to say I made a full recovery.”

“Now that there’s no snow to shovel?”

“Yep. I want you to know I’m fit and hearty, and that was only a momentary weakness.”

“I never doubted your vitality. You’re just past forty.”

He laughed. “Thanks. I feel so much better now.”

“Glad I could help.” She liked the way small, hardly noticeable character lines cut into the corners of his eyes. He really was a handsome man, she thought, in a
friendly
way. “I want to thank you again for recommending Phil. I’ve hired him to start renovations.”

“Sounds like that leak was just the start of your problems.”

“It’s sad but true. Phil’s promised that he can keep me open for business through just about everything. The customers won’t even know he’s there.”

“Good. A lot of folks depend on your diner.”

“I know. Some days it’s just nice not to have to cook. I’m thankful that so many people come to my place when they’re feeling like that.”

“Are you kidding? You’ve got some of the best food in the county. Why do you think I drive all the way from work, and past I don’t know how many restaurants on the way, for your roasted chicken and dumplings? So, what do you do when you’re too tired to cook?”

“That’s not a luxury I have, but I don’t mind.”

They waited for a lone minivan to amble along the street. Paige recognized her cousin Karen behind the wheel, as she slowed to wave and smile. It didn’t take a psychic to figure out what her cousin was thinking. Evan was standing at her side, with less than a few inches between them.

Anyone watching would leap to the wrong conclusion. It was strange, because the male at her side was usually her son. Now, she was walking through town with a handsome, eligible bachelor.

Paige waved as Karen drove by. As she and Evan stepped off the curb in sync, she gathered her courage. It might be her only time to ask such a personal question. “How did you manage after your youngest son went off to college?”

He missed a step but recovered his balance. “That’s a tough question.”

“Sorry. It’s probably too personal. I didn’t mean—”

“No, it’s all right.” He quickly reassured her, jamming his hands into his jacket pockets. “I could say something easy, like I finally had some peace and quiet.”

“That’s overrated.”

“It is. I now have sole possession of the remote control. No teenager making messes in my kitchen, my bathroom or my car.”

“Apparent plusses.”

“On the surface, yeah. I also don’t have to sit up waiting for Cal to come in at night, trying not to worry about every disaster that could happen on the road between the Youth Center in town and home. But it’s not the real truth. Not at all.”

Paige heard the hitch of emotion in his rumbling baritone. She wondered at the depth of feeling that lay hidden beneath the surface. “I bet your house seems empty. I know my home sure will be.”

And because that hurt, she stared down at the blacktop beneath her sneakers and tried to swallow past her tight throat. It wasn’t just her house that would be empty, but her life.

“The truth is, I can’t get over missing them. I’m glad for my boys. They both have good starts in this world. They are smart and strong and make solid decisions. I did everything I could to raise them up to be good men. I’ve never been so proud.”

“You did a good job.”

“At the same time, I’ve lost my sons. They will never again be my boys running through my house, making enough noise to drive a normal person crazy.”

She liked that he smiled, and dimples dug into his lean cheeks. She could just bet he was a wonderful father. She could feel all he did not say. “They’re men, now.”

“Yep. It’s the way it’s meant to be, but the void they leave behind is something that can suck you down like light in a black hole, if you let it.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of. I’ve taken care of everyone for most of my life. I raised my brother and sisters and my Alex. I used to think that I missed my chance at my own life. I went from being a child to an orphan and right into being a responsible adult. I don’t regret it.”

“Neither do I. Not for a second.”

Paige had to like him better for his words. “I always figured when my son was raised, I would finally get my chance to do what I want. Now that that time is here, it’s not exciting at all. I don’t want things to change.”

“It’s bittersweet.”

“Exactly.”

Evan slowed as the sidewalk on the other side of the street neared. “Running the diner isn’t what you want?”

“It was never my life’s ambition, but it has kept me busy and my family provided for.”

“It’s a pretty integral part of this town. Folks drive for miles just for your chocolate milkshakes.”

“So people tell me.” She left their conversation at that, stepping up her pace until she was on the sidewalk, getting a little ahead of him.

Some things hurt too much. Her future should be an exciting one; it was a new phase of life for her, too. It was scary to think about, but she wanted to go to college. Maybe travel a bit. But the fun things she’d always planned on doing one day did not look as exciting now as they’d been before.

The night felt colder and the dark oppressive, and she could not escape into the light and warmth fast enough, away from the hurt she knew was to come. Alex wasn’t just her son. He was her whole life. And now that her sisters had married and their lives were so busy, Alex was all she had left.

After he moved away, she would be alone. Truly alone. For the first time in her life.

Evan sat at one of the small wooden tables in the town’s coffee shop, unable to purge Paige’s words from his mind.
Now that that time is here, it’s not exciting at all. I don’t want things to change.

Change was inevitable. That was simply life. He knew that from first-hand experience. The major turning points in his life had never been of his choosing. When he looked back, it wasn’t his logical thoughts that had chosen Liz for a wife. His heart had. A pure leap of faith and heart. They had been happy for a little while.

But her betrayal had been out of his control. Time passed and as the boys grew up and left home. The decades of his life seemed to be adding up. And, he feared, he was all out of turning points. All out of new directions. He wanted his life to change. He wasn’t happy.

After hearing Paige’s words tonight, he knew he wasn’t alone.
So, Lord, what does that mean?

He didn’t expect the good Father to answer. As Karen Drake, part owner of the shop and cousin to Paige, spoke about the changes in her life, he stared at his own Bible. The black type blurred against the crisp white page.

Lord, what do You have in store for me, which will bring me hope and a good future?

He wanted his life to change. He’d lived for his sons. For many, many years that had been more than enough. But the endless months of solitude had become a sadness that he feared would go on forever.

He feared that the long loneliness of his future would be broken up by the occasional phone call from the boys, and, as time passed, they would come with their wives and children to visit. But when they left, the loneliness would be sharper. The sadness deeper.

The stages of life were inevitable. He could see that. The women who were wives and mothers, like Karen, managed to squeeze this Bible study into their busy schedules. One day those mothers would be where he was and Paige would soon be. Time was a relentless wheel always turning and leaving only memories behind.