Heart of Tantric Sex (9 page)

Give yourself plenty of time and space to experiment with the eyes rather than make rules, and to receive the sincerity and openness of your lover. See how soft you can become and how deeply you can take him in through your eyes. Look right back into yourself and see how far you can go. One day a moment will arise when a doorway opens and the sex center and eyes unite. It's breathtaking!

 R 
EMEMBER TO BREATHE! Breathe deeply and slowly. When you really get the knack of enjoying breathing, it becomes absolutely divine. It brings sensuality and sensitivity to the body and propels us into the experience of the present moment. Thus breath can be used consciously as a tremendous contribution to lovemaking and foreplay. There are many therapies and approaches to breath that suggest specific and special breath techniques, systems to follow, energy centers on which to focus, where to breathe in and out, but I found it best to just keep it simple, to remember to breathe. When I tried to focus on a specific breathing pattern, I noticed I was focused on the in and out of it all. My attention was riveted on the mastering of a breath technique while my body sensations, the experience of receiving and absorbing the breath, faded into the background. Instead of trying to control your breathing, it is far better as a starting point to simply be aware of the breath in the way that it moves naturally in and out of you.

The breath can be described as a bridge between mind and body, and paying attention to its rhythm becomes a significant anchor to the present. It helps to make a shift from thinking to feeling. If you have ever been fortunate enough to immerse yourself in your breathing you will have noticed that you were detached from your mind. You might even say that you lost your mind, you lost all reason, you were consumed by vital energy and joy of life. This is because breathing unhooks us from our thought processes or the mental element of sex, and connects us with our essential life energy. We begin to feel more sensitive, sensual, and tactile as we make love. Connecting with the breath and consciously absorbing it enables us to reach in between and around our cells, to bring a sense of delicate porousness into the body.

Breathing and sexual vitality

As children, the action of our natural breathing massages the sex center. The easy flowing breath of a baby creates a wave that passes through to the lower stomach and pelvic area. It pulsates through the elastic diaphragm that separates the chest and abdomen, pushes downward on the organs and so pulses into the floor of the pelvis. Here an intricate web of muscles form the genitals, and this acts like a diaphragm which expands out with each breath, continually massaging the sexual center. As we get older our tensions, repressions, guilt, and embarrassments associated with sex, genitals, or masturbation disturb our childlike breath. Gradually, the boundary of the breath moves higher and higher until the breath ceases to reach through the diaphragm to the genitals, or even to the belly. Most adults are breathing into only the top part of their lungs, thus limiting the full benefits of breath. This physical tension takes us away from our deeper breathing to a superficial breathing pattern, holding the fear of vulnerability and receptivity as a barrier. The genitals then lack the vitality and nourishment of the downward inward-flowing breath which pulses continuously into them.

Hence the significance of reconnecting the breath, belly, and genitals during lovemaking. Relaxation of the entire front and mid-line of the body from the throat, heart, solar plexus down to the low belly and genitals, creates receptivity and vulnerability. You are in immediate contact with the environment, noticing the elusive pungent fragrances of the night, the unexpected joyful bird calls and the welcoming damp cool of an early morning breeze.

It is surprising how out of touch with the breath most people are. We breathe without any awareness of the breathing process itself even though our very life is dependent on it. In my first massage session, my therapist kept reminding me to breathe. It was so infuriating. When I couldn't stand it a moment longer, I shouted out in anger how much I hated to breathe. So when I began exploring Tantra, I was not a breath enthusiast. But as I began to change the way I made love and bring awareness to my breathing, I began to breathe slowly and deeply. I noticed after a few months that the restriction was softening, the breath was pushing downward closer to my belly and pelvis. It seemed to be creating its own channel toward the genitals. The more awareness I brought to my breath the more I enjoyed the act of breathing. And the more I recognized breathing as an internal life-enhancing massage, the more I wanted to breathe!

Any
awareness you bring to your breathing before making love will make an enormous difference. It may be as simple as being aware of your breath boundary in the shower as you prepare yourself for lovemaking. I noticed that when I was expecting my lover I ran around until the last second, making myself and my home more outwardly inviting. When I began to take five or ten minutes before he arrived to lie down and breathe consciously, I was far more able to welcome him into a pool of tranquillity. Breathing had created receptivity in my body, a femininity that produced a remarkable attractiveness between us.

Breathing into love

Before making love, it is beneficial if you sit quietly for a while, as in meditation where the awareness is turned inward. Even ten or fifteen minutes is enough. These moments of stillness will give you an opportunity to attune to your body and enter into the present moment. As you sit, either alone or with your lover, close your eyes and pull your attention inward and downward. Feel your breathing, and breathe into the diaphragm. You can also imagine the breath following a circular route in the body starting from the genitals up the spine, over the head and down the front to the genitals. When you focus on your breath, you are energizing and sensitizing your inner environment, which will activate your sex energy as you move into lovemaking.

The wondrous life-affirming phenomenon of the breath during sex increases presence, ecstasy, and pleasure dramatically. Breathe in such a way that you can hear your own breathing flowing in and out. This helps you focus on your breath more easily, and your partner is able to hear it too. In this way breath can also become a way of speaking, of communing with each other. It sometimes happens that your partner and you spontaneously fall into a harmonious breathing rhythm together, in at the same time, out at the same time. This will feel superb, breathing the glorious present moment.

It is possible to make a conscious effort to breathe in this way together, which we can call "simultaneous breathing." Listen to your lover's breath and start to tune into his or her breathing rhythm, and begin breathing out and in together. Be relaxed so as to create rapport, not tension, and this will awaken the sex energy. Whatever you try with breathing, it is always important to not make it an
effort.
If you worry about whether you should be having an in or an out breath, or whether you are in harmony or not, you will revert to your mind and miss the experience of your
own
breath. Remember, your consciousness of the breath itself and not the act of doing it will make the difference.

Forming one breathing body

Another way of breathing which we can call "synchronous breathing" may arise during lovemaking too, where one partner breathes in while the other breathes out. The breath moves in a kind of circle and it has a profound influence on the sex energy. This breathing happens very naturally when two people are deeply merged in sexual union. It penetrates your core as two form one breathing body in profound empathy. To breathe intentionally in this way, however, takes some mental effort, and can take you away from the immediacy of the moment. But try it for fun anyway, and see what happens. Keep the breathing deep and slow. If you like, once you have the rhythm of this synchronous breathing established, you can then enhance it by imagining a circular route for the energies. The man breathes in through his heart and out of his penis. The woman breathes in through her vagina and out through her heart. Imagine the breath to be golden light as it moves around in a circle. This can be particularly beautiful when the lovers are sitting up together, the woman's legs embracing the pelvis of her man. This intimate exchange where the chest and breasts meet enhances the experience of polarity within the bodies.

Although breathing through the nose is more refined as it affects the meditative and subtle body centers, mouth breathing may help you to be more fully aware in the body. Breathing through the mouth affects the lower body centers and the emotions, so feel free to use whichever style of breath works for you in the moment. If you are having trouble "being here," distracted or upset about something else perhaps, I would recommend breathing through the mouth, since it can be useful to clear the emotions, which otherwise limit sensitivity and presence. If you or your partner are swallowing a lot, it usually indicates that an emotion of some kind is on the rise, and the swallowing is an unconscious attempt at repressing it. If you feel the urge to swallow, try to relax into
not
swallowing, allowing the repressed energy to move up and out. It takes quite some effort to resist the reflex to swallow, but it is well worth it. You may find that some laughter or tears, or even strong coughing lies beneath the reflex action, and allowing this expression brings you into contact with your sexual energy at a deeper level.

Playing with your breathing

As you begin to bring your breath into focus, it is easiest to start with an out-breath first. Expel all the air from the chest, really force it out. Hold your lungs empty for a few seconds, then relax, and the breath will arrive forcefully to expand your chest in a wonderful in-breath. This brings instant consciousness to breath. The physical inrush of it gives an immediate experience of the vitality of the breath, and helps to connect with the flow inward and outward. Do this a few times if you like, and breathe deeply and slowly in a nice steady rhythm. Usually, as we get excited in sex and move toward orgasm and ejaculation, the breath will become shorter and faster, so breathing in the opposite way, deeply and slowly, will create a relaxed environment for the sexual energy. Tantra says that when lovers remain in rhythmic breathing in unison, there will be no ejaculation. If the breath is in rhythm, the body absorbs the energy; it never throws it out.

You can also breathe in with a sniff, sniff, sniff from time to time. The entire in-breath can be made up of many short sniffs until the breath is complete. Wait a moment and feel the life-giving force of the retained breath. Then exhale. A series of short sniffing breaths helps intensify the feeling of the breath entering the body, and also focuses the awareness in the third eye. Have some fun and experiment. Imagine the breath penetrating your body, wrapping around each cell. Intensify the experience by looking into each other's eyes while you breathe. However you decide to play with the breath, make it creative and interesting for yourself. But always remember to feel the breath and keep breathing into the boundary of it. Breathing into the lungs, between the cells, imagine the blood absorbing the oxygen and bringing more life.

When you make love in the deepest relaxation, consciousness merged with breath, the breath gets lighter, delicate and quiet, and may actually stop momentarily. You breathe and the breath does not turn again. If this occurs, there is nothing wrong; it is a wondrous and silent moment. No outward flow of energy is happening, so the breath is not needed. Remain suspended, embraced by the arms of no-time, and just be in this paradise. The breathing will start up again of its own accord and the sexual energy will receive an unexpected kick, surging upward and coursing ecstatically through the inner bodily channels. You and your lover will be merged with the force of life itself.