Hopeless For You (7 page)

When I got back to my room, I changed into jeans, a frumpy long-sleeved shirt and hiking boots. Making a face in the mirror, I raked a brush through my hair and pulled my locks into a ponytail. I woke Gina up, then went downstairs to get a pot of coffee started. The kitchen was pretty lifeless at this early hour. Three other bleary-eyed interns were there; I drank two cups of coffee and exchanged small talk for a little while before returning to my room.

When I opened the door, Gina glanced up from where she was perched on the edge of the bed. She was half done lacing up her boots. Her hair was pulled back into a messy bun and she'd already applied a light layer of foundation and blush. I've never been able to figure out how she could get ready so fast.

"What up,
whoaman
?" Gina said.

"Look at you," I said. "Haven't even had a cup of coffee yet and you're already a glowing bundle of energy. Have you been sneaking deep-fried Oreos or something when I wasn't watching?"

"I wish." Gina stood, glancing in the mirror, frowning at the less than flattering combination of hiking boots and shorts. Her legs were perfectly shaved, though. She'd probably shaved her pits, too.

"The mosquitoes will eat you alive in that," I said.

"Ever heard of Deet?"

I crinkled my nose. I thought I'd smelled something acrid in here. "Ready for orientation?"

Gina twirled around for me. "How do I look?"

Ten times better than me, as usual
. I found myself wishing I'd shaved my own legs and pits.
Wait a second. What the heck?
Who would see my legs or armpits when I was wearing jeans and a long-sleeved shirt? "You look amazing, Gina. Let's go."

We walked side by side down the stairs, holding hands. Outside, we met up with the growing group of staff members who were clustered around the largest building.
When Kade and Blaine joined the group, Rebecca climbed the stairs to the porch so everyone could see her.

She went over the center's mission statement and then the basic rules, mostly covering things I had already read in the orientation materials. I listened intently at first in case anything new came up but my mind eventually started to wander. I glanced at Kade. He was standing on the far side of the group, almost across from me.

He was looking right at me.

When I caught his gaze, he turned away a little too fast. I felt the heat rising in my cheeks. Maybe he
did
like me. Not that it mattered. I couldn't be with anyone else. The guilt wouldn't let me.

Rebecca called Kade's name just then.

Kade stiffened and I saw a sheepish expression flash across his face. But then the cockiness returned in full and he smirked. "Say again?"

Rebecca jerked a finger toward the aviary. "I said get Orion."

Kade jogged toward the other building.

"All right, so the rest of this meeting is just for the baby ducks and their mentors. Everyone else is free to go back to work." Rebecca waited as most of the employees dispersed, leaving the interns and the workers we were assigned to. "Now as you know, our primary focus here is the preservation and study of peregrine falcons. You're all about to meet Orion, our education bird. He's missing part of a wing from an accident he had as a hatchling. He's been raised by us, and he's the friendliest bird we have. Thinks he's human. Ah, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Orion."

My eyes widened as Kade returned with a large, beautiful falcon balanced on his arm. Kade carefully climbed the steps to the porch, his impossibly green eyes focused on the bird perched on his fist. A heavy leather gauntlet protected his forearm from the wicked talons and curved beak. Orion was bigger than I had expected and looked fierce. The falcon glanced around alertly, occasionally flaring its wings for balance.

Rebecca pointed out Orion's distinguishing features and warned that while the beak was a formidable weapon, it was the talons you really had to watch out for.

One intern asked how Kade kept the bird on the glove. He answered, pointing out the thin straps called 'jesses' that were tied around each leg and looped through the rings in the glove.

Eventually the questions ran out and Kade took Orion back to the aviary. He glanced my way before vanishing inside but I was very careful not to meet his eyes. I had the sense he was proud I'd seen him holding that falcon.

"All right," Rebecca said. "Time for your assignments. I'll deal with the wardens and their interns first. Josh and Caylin, you and your interns get section A. Maria and Jen, you're taking section B this year. Blaine, you and Kade have section C."

I remembered from the orientation material that C covered the most territory.

Rebecca went on to discuss the assignments of the other workers and interns and then she dismissed us. "I look forward to another great season with you guys."

The group started to disperse.

"Section C?" Kade's voice startled me. I hadn't noticed him come back. "Sweet! Momma said we might get to go out there again."

Blaine nodded, grinning widely. "How early do you want to head out tomorrow? Seven-ish?"

Kade frowned. "
Tomorrow
? Shit, no, I want to head out today. I've already got everything packed. I just need to finish up with Jessica. Meet you at the Jeeps in an hour." Kade was already strolling back to the aviary.

"Who's Jessica?" I asked Blaine. Was that jealousy I heard in my voice?

Blaine had an amused glint in his eye. "Not who but what. Jessica is a falcon."

"Oh."

"Come on." Blaine escorted us to the dormitory and told us to pack for our three day trip in the woods. "All you really need to bring is a change of clothes. Don't worry about tents, food, water or insect repellent. We've got that all covered."

"What should we do when we're done packing?" I said.

"I'll meet you in your dorm's kitchen." He walked off.

Gina stared at his back. "He has such a sexy butt, don't you think?"

I rolled my eyes and started toward the other dorm.

"Hey, where you going?" Gina called to my back.

"There's something I have to do. See you at the room!"

In the other dorm, I caught Momma Jeanne reading a slut-mance in the common room. She didn't hide it. She seemed proud of the book, actually, and was slightly offended when I suggested she use an e-reader for more privacy. Anyway, I got her to lend me some bear spray. She insisted I wouldn't need it but I took it for the peace of mind. No matter how hot they were or the connection I thought I felt with Kade, I hardly knew him or Blaine and I was a bit scared about being alone in the wilderness with either of them. Gina and I were big girls, sure, and we could take care of ourselves, but there was no way either one of us would be able to overpower the two if it came to it.

I went back to the room and spent the next hour packing with Gina. I was actually done in ten minutes. Sweater: check. Rainproof jacket: check. Extra pair of jeans: check. Bear spray: check. Gina, meanwhile, spent her time wavering back and forth over what to pack, but eventually she decided on three sets of clothes, one portable makeup kit, two disposable razors and a manicure set.

We brought our backpacks down to the kitchen. Blaine was already there, devouring a sandwich, and he made two more for Gina and I to eat. When we were done, we left our backpacks in the kitchen and then all three of us went to the aviary to fetch Kade.

The inside was roomy, filled with rows of spacious cages, half of which were empty. The remaining cages held birds of all kinds. Magpies squatted on perches. Robins pecked at food. A hawk screeched. I counted five peregrines. It was like going to a pet shop but minus the cute puppies, kittens and parrots, though the place had that same barnyard smell.

I loved it.

"All these birds are injured?" I said.

Blaine shook his head. "No. Only two are right now. But for a lot of the injured birds, this becomes home. We can't just release a bird with half a wing or half a leg into the wild. It'd die. And Rebecca doesn't have the heart to let them go. None of us do. So we keep the ones that need our help."

Kade was at the far end of the aviary with another intern. I recognized the punk rock girl from Montreal I'd met last night during supper. Half her head was shaved. The other half hung in a cropped wedge over her face. She wore a tight tank top and all the exposed skin from her neck down was covered in tattoos. I felt the jealousy again—she was exactly the kind of girl I thought Kade would be interested in. The two of them were hunched over a sedated falcon. Its wings were spread out and clipped to the tabletop.

Both of them looked up as Blaine came close, but when Kade saw who it was, he returned his attention to the falcon.

"Hey, Blaine!" the punk rock girl said.

Blaine nodded. "Sadie." So that's what her name was again.

She gave him a hug. "We're almost done."

Blaine glanced at Gina. "Good. The girls are getting antsy."

"You look even more beautiful than last night," Sadie said, giving Gina a hug.

"Thanks, baby," Gina answered. "And you're a doll, as always."

Sadie hugged me. "Hey, gorgeous."

"Hey," I said. I turned toward Kade next, not sure if I should greet him, but he didn't look up.

"He's a bit prickly," Sadie told me.

"I heard that," Kade said.

Sadie smiled and shrugged. "See?"

I glanced at the falcon. "What's wrong with her?"

"Oh." Sadie's tone abruptly saddened. "One of the locals brought Jessica in on the back road. Half the feathers of her right wing were ripped clean off. The bone itself was shattered. We're setting it now. Birds have hollow, light bones that break pretty easily. Great for flying but not so great for hitting things."

"Or
getting
hit," Kade said.

I leaned closer and watched Kade wrap a strip of cotton gauze in a figure eight pattern around the wing. "What happened to her?"

"We're not sure," Sadie said. "Maybe a wolf or coyote."

Blaine came forward and had a look at the falcon. "That's definitely a wolf. You can see the bite pattern."

Kade glanced at his friend. "Maybe. Though I doubt a falcon with a broken wing could escape a wolf."

"Maybe the wolf changed its mind when the falcon pecked out its eye?"

Kade gave a sharp laugh. "Yeah. Falcons are good like that." His expression hardened. "Still pisses me off, though."

I stared at the bird. "Jessica. Poor thing."

"Don't worry." Sadie smiled reassuringly. "In a few weeks she'll be as good as new. You'll see."

"We're about done," Kade told Blaine. "Might as well start loading the Jeeps. I'll be out in a jiff."

I followed Blaine outside. I wasn't sure whether to feel excited or scared—all I knew was that the true adventure was about to begin.

I finished up with Jessica and went outside to the Jeep. I was the first one there. My backpack sat in the trunk—I'd already loaded it before orientation—so there was nothing for me to do but wait. The Jeep was shaded by a tall pine so I climbed up to perch on the roll cage and lay back.

Normally I would have enjoyed the peace and quiet, but not today. The nicotine withdrawal symptoms were too intense. I rubbed my scratchy eyes with sweaty palms. My head was beginning to ache and my mouth felt dry, no matter how much I drank. I kept seeing images of cigarettes in my head. I suppose there was a bright side to all this, because the cravings kept my mind off that sexy little intern.

I started to doze off when the thump of another bag landing in the back of the Jeep made me jump. I didn't bother to look. "When do you think those damn interns will get here, Blaine?"

"Well, Gina wanted to apply some last minute makeup so she should be down in two minutes or so. I couldn't tell you about Blaine."

Holy shit. That sharp, distinctly feminine voice snapped my gaze right down from my perch on the roll cage and I met Ash's blue eyes. God, those eyes reminded me of the free, open sky, yet they were always unsettling somehow. I had called them haunted but I wasn't sure that was the right word anymore. The expression in them was far too complex for so simple a word. Sometimes I thought I saw barely restrained lust there and other times, pure fear. Right now I saw a mixture of both and I wanted to reach out and hold her in my arms.

I could lose myself in those eyes.

I could lose myself in her.

It felt like I'd known her all my life. That I'd been waiting all these years to be united with the girl I was meant to be with since I was born.

But I didn't believe in destiny.

And I definitely didn't believe in love.

These feelings would only hurt me. I was sure of it. So I shrugged them off and did my best to deny the raw
want
that was threatening to devour me from the inside.

I tossed up a smirk, a defense mechanism of mine that worked great at hiding my emotions.

The moment of connection instantly passed and I felt physically drained, like I'd just thrown away the best gift I'd ever received.

Shit.

I jumped down from the top of the Jeep.

"Hey, girl," I said with a sigh.

"Hey." She managed a smile. She seemed weary too, and a little sad. Had she felt the connection too?

I was standing beside her now, and I noticed the lump hidden beneath the top of her shirt. A pendant, maybe. I'd seen the lump before but never bothered to ask her about it.

"What's this?" I reached toward the hidden object but before I could touch her, she jerked back, wrapping a protective hand around the area.

"Nothing," she snapped, clearly irritated.

I raised my hands in surrender. "And Sadie calls
me
prickly." I went to the driver's seat and sat down. Leaning back, I closed my eyes. "That from your boyfriend back in big ol' Tenni-zee?" I put as much Southern twang as I could into the words. "Bet he's fucking some other chick right now. You know what they say. When the cat's away..."

Suddenly I realized Ash was sobbing.

I jerked up in my seat. "What? No. I didn't mean it. Christ." I got out of the Jeep.

Blaine arrived just then, carrying a loaded backpack. He looked once at me, then at Ash, and dropped the backpack. "What's going on?"

Ash was already storming away.

"Ash," I said. "No. Come on."

She disappeared into her dorm building.

"What the hell did you do?" Blaine asked.

I swallowed hard, then sighed. "The usual. I was an asshole."

"It's going to be hard to get any work done if she hates you. You know that, right?"

I shrugged. "She'll get over it."

Blaine sighed. "It wouldn't kill you to be nice to her."

I picked up the backpack Blaine had dropped and hoisted it into the Jeep. "Actually, it's probably for the best if she hates me."

I stalked to the edge of the woods and ducked under the trees. I sat on a fallen log just out of view of the Jeep. Damn, I needed a smoke.

What the hell had I said? I almost felt like I should apologize. I knew it was the right thing to do. But some loud, errant part of me argued that it wasn't my fault. I'd made a joke, for chrissake. A bad one maybe, but still a joke. The nicotine withdrawal was making me testy, that's all. I couldn't be blamed for that. My thoughts wavered back and forth, warring with one another, driving me deeper into bitterness and inaction.

Finally, Blaine called my name. The concern in his voice dragged me away from my conflicted thoughts. I pushed myself off the log and took a deep breath to brace myself for having to go back to dealing with people.

I instinctively reached up and brushed my fingertips across my neck, tracing the wings of the falcon tattoo from memory. I rested my thumb on my larynx, where the falcon's eye looked out on the world. I could almost feel the falcon there inside me, calming me, giving me strength.

Steadying myself, I walked from the pines.

The other three were already in the Jeep. Blaine sat in the driver's seat and Gina and Ash were in the back. Damn it—I wanted to drive today. I had half a mind to kick Blaine out from behind the wheel.

I grudgingly swung myself into the shotgun seat, pretending I didn't notice the dark look Ash sent my way. I kept my mouth shut, not wanting to start anything. If we could all survive this trip without any major blowups I'd be happy. Well, not as happy as I would've been if we didn't have to drag the two interns along in the first place. Ash was going to be a distraction, big time. Not to mention a pain.

I would've turned the radio on full blast but there were no stations out here and the Jeep's radio wouldn't accept CDs or tapes so I couldn't use an adapter to connect my phone. We drove in uncomfortable silence, the only sound the constant drone of the engine.

I felt the tension in the Jeep building until finally I couldn't take it anymore. I turned to Ash and said, "I acted like a dick, okay? I should've kept my mouth shut. I'm sorry."

I sat back in my seat, not really expecting a response. But a minute later she spoke up.

"You
did
act like a dick," she said, loudly.

I turned back, feeling a rush of defiance. But when I saw her blue eyes, saw how wary, mistrustful, and accusing they were, I lowered my gaze, feeling like she'd just slapped me in the face. I didn't like that look on her at all.

When I glanced up again I thought I saw a flash of gratitude in her eyes. Like she was happy I acted ashamed or something. Or maybe it was a flash of victory. Damned if I could read her.

I shifted in my seat and looked away.

"My dad boxed in college, you know," she said. "Keep that in mind the next time you decide to touch me. Also, I have bear spray."

I felt my cocky nature, the side of me that hated to back down from a fight, reassert itself. "What are you saying, you'll beat me up?"

"You wish."

I snorted. "I didn't exactly touch you. I
reached
for you. There's a difference."

"Not to me."

I shook my head but I took the fact that she was actually talking to me again as a good sign. I felt the bitter knot in my stomach slowly start to untangle. I glanced in the right-side mirror and tilted it so I could see her without looking back. Her posture appeared less tense, though she still seemed to be watching the back of my head warily. Did she think I was some kind of wild animal that had to be under constant observation? Was she afraid I'd suddenly snap at her with my fangs or something? I cataloged her every movement in my mind, not even close to figuring her out.

I tilted my head back and watched the sky as Blaine steered the Jeep over bumpy, rutted roads that hadn't been driven since last summer. Pine trees bordered on either side in a dense wall of terrain that was impassable to the Jeep. The occasional branch overhead blocked out the sun so that the rays flickered. I managed to doze off despite it all but I couldn't escape Ash, not even in my dreams. She was always there, no matter if I was awake or asleep, the idea of her lingering in the back of my mind. The way her cheeks dimpled when she smiled. The curve of her body. Her mysterious eyes.

Her secrets.

Somehow, she reminded me of Orion, the education falcon. So beautiful, yet wounded in way
s that weren't immediately obvious.

I wanted to know all her secrets.

I jolted upright when the Jeep stopped suddenly. I glanced around, trying to get my bearings. Pines still lined the route but we should have been in a clearing. I heard water gushing nearby.

I looked directly ahead; this definitely wasn't the planned campsite.

"Well, kids," Blaine said. "Looks like we've reached the end of the road."