How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane

PRAISE FOR JOHANNA STEIN

“Johanna Stein is lovely, insightful, and a big bowl of funny.”

—J
EFF
G
ARLIN
, comedian/writer/producer,
Curb Your Enthusiasm
,
The Goldbergs

“Johanna Stein has a way of taking the good, the bad, and the ugly and turning it into a delicious piece of candy. (‘Mind candy' of course, as real candy is ‘bad' for you as any good mother knows). Simply put: I love her writing. I love the way she lays it all out there with such honesty and candor and tremendous relatability.”

—M
O
C
OLLINS
, actress and comedian,
MADtv
,
Parks and Recreation

“Johanna Stein's wit, humor, compassion, and quirky underdog view on life make her stories a pure joy to read. I just cannot get enough of her writing.”

—T
RACY
V
ILAR
, actress,
House M.D
.

“Since her days as a comic with a guitar, writer/comedienne Johanna Stein has never failed to surprise, delight, and blow audiences away with her fearless storytelling. And when I say fearless, I
don't mean the, ‘Gee, sometimes my kids make me so mad I want to have two glasses of chardonnay!' kind. No, I mean fearless in the making you gasp, ‘Oh sh*t she did not do that!' way. Stein is the kind of writer we all aspire to be, the fab girl next door who lures you in with unadorned honesty and witty prose and then slams you in to the messy truth in such a viscerally compelling way that you cannot not be moved to laughter, to tears, and most of all to appreciating the great joy of what it means to be human.”

—D
ANI
K
LEIN
M
ODISETT
, writer/producer/editor,
Afterbirth
,
Huffington Post
contributor

How Not to
Calm a Child
on a Plane

Copyright © 2014 by Johanna Stein

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. For information, address Da Capo Press, 44 Farnsworth Street, 3rd Floor, Boston, MA 02210

Designed by Linda Mark

Set in 11.5 point ITC Esprit Std by the Perseus Books Group

Some of the essays in this book have appeared previously in slightly different forms and/or with different titles in the following publications:
The New York Times
Motherlode column: “How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane” and “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”;
Parents
magazine: “A Pregnant Pause” and “One Is Enough”;
Afterbirth: Stories You Won't Read in a Parenting Magazine
(St. Martin's Press): “Spoiled Milk.”

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Stein, Johanna.

How not to calm a child on a plane : and other lessons in parenting from a highly questionable source / Johanna Stein.

      
pages cm

ISBN 978-0-7382-1734-5 (hardback) — ISBN 978-0-7382-1735-2 (e-book) 1. Parenting—Humor.

2. Child rearing—Humor. I. Title.

HQ755.8.S7224 2014

649'.1—dc23

2013048709

First Da Capo Press edition 2014

ISBN: 978-0-7382-1374-5 (hardback)

ISBN: 978-0-7382-1375-2 (e-book)

Published by Da Capo Press

A Member of the Perseus Books Group

www.dacapopress.com

Note:
The names and identifying details of people associated with events described in this book have been changed. Any similarity to actual persons is coincidental.

Da Capo Press books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the U.S. by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA, 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail
[email protected]
.

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

For David and Sadie,
without whom my life would be empty
and so would this book

CONTENTS

  
chapter 1
  
  
A P
REGNANT
P
AUSE

  
chapter 2
  
  
L
IGHTS
, C
AMERA
, P
USH
!

  
chapter 3
  
  
S
POILED
M
ILK

  
chapter 4
  
  
S
EXUAL
D
ISINTERCOURSE