How to Be a Person (28 page)

PEOPLE WHO ARE ONLY INTERESTING WHEN THEY’RE DRUNK

This one is a bummer, but it’s so much less depressing than its half brother, which is People Who Are Just Boring All the Time.

PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN SASQUATCH

What’s that? You couldn’t afford your bunion surgery because you spent all your money on Sasquatch detectors? And now your bunion hurts? Bummer. A few years ago, a friend of mine told me that he’d discovered the secret to finding Sasquatch (he’s a believer
because once, in an Idaho forest, he “heard things” that he “couldn’t explain”) and called some cryptozoological society to announce his epiphany: “Just find out what it eats, and then go to where that is.” He and I, we are not friends anymore.

PEOPLE WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN EVOLUTION BUT LOVE ANTIBIOTICS

Seriously? Either you believe in science or you don’t. If you want to say sentences to me like “God made the earth 29 years ago out of Billy Graham’s stool” or “Every time you take the morning-after pill, Satan has two orgasms,” then go ahead and stay away from Dr. Syringey O’Medicine, MD, from here on out. Because you know that pill that made your strep throat go away? Science invented that. For you. Hey, why don’t you just pray for God to take care of that root canal? I’ll tell you why: Because God didn’t go to dental school, because dental schools don’t admit people who DON’T EXIST.

WIZARDS

Assholes with beards who do magic. In modern times, wizards look just like normal people, because they’ve learned to wear tracksuits and tuxedos over their robes. This means that wizards could be anywhere. Can you trust the people you work with not to be wizards?

RUSSIANS

Citizens of Russia. The sworn enemies of wizards.

RUSSIAN WIZARDS

Don’t be ridiculous.

PEOPLE WHO LET THEIR CAT WALK ACROSS THEIR KITCHEN CUTTING BOARD, EVEN THOUGH THOSE ARE THE SAME FUCKING PAWS THAT HAVE BEEN TRAMPING AROUND THAT SHIT-FILLED CAT BOX AND I DON’T SEE A KITTY FOOT-WASHING STATION AROUND HERE, DO YOU?

Well? Do you? ANSWER THE QUESTION.

PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW HOW TO NAVIGATE A FOUR-WAY STOP OR AN UNCONTROLLED INTERSECTION

Can a lady get a wave, please? Just a courtesy wave. That’s all I ask. These people are under the impression that rules do not apply to them. They do not have to wait their turn because they are special. They are probably the worst people on this entire list, and that
includes
wizards.

ANIMALS THAT ARE REALLY PEOPLE WHO GOT TRANSFORMED BY A WITCH

These are people who got on the wrong side of a witch. Now they are turkeys and iguanas or some shit, and all they can do is cry (except
not really, because emotional tears are a physiological phenomenon unique to humans and possibly camels). Don’t loan these people money, because they obviously have bad judgment.

PEOPLE WHO THINK “HIPSTERS” ARE A THING

You guys, “hipsters” are not a thing. Put it to bed. PUT IT TO BED.

PEOPLE WHO ARE JUST A DOWN-TO-EARTH GUY, WHO ENJOYS THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE LIKE GOING FOR WALKS, LIFTING WEIGHTS, OR JUST DOING WHATEVER (LOL), WHOSE FRIENDS WOULD PROBABLY DESCRIBE HIM AS HONEST, TRUTHFUL, LOYAL, AFFECTIONATE, COMPASSIONATE, AND ROMANCEFUL, AND IS LOOKING FOR A WOMAN WHO IS THAT RARE COMBINATION OF STUNNING ON THE OUTSIDE AND BEAUTIFUL ON THE IN SIDE, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY DOWN-TO-EARTH, ENJOYS THE LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE, LOVES CHILDREN, ANIMALS, HAS A PASSION, LAUGHTER. I ESPECIALLY LIKE ASIANS.

Oh shoot, I’m actually busy from now until the moment of my death.

PEOPLE WHO TRY TO PRETEND LIKE THEY ALREADY KNEW THE STORY ABOUT JIMMY STEWART SMUGGLING A YETI HAND OUT OF NEPAL IN HIS WIFE’S UNDERPANTS

I do not believe you, unless your name is Jimmy Stewart’s Wife’s
Vagina. And I’m pretty sure Jimmy Stewart’s Wife’s Vagina doesn’t know how to read. So …

PEOPLE WHO SAY “WHOLE FOODS? MORE LIKE WHOLE PAYCHECK!”

Some people, when talking about the grocery store chain Whole Foods, like to say, “Whole Foods? More like Whole Paycheck!” And when those people say, “Whole Foods? More like Whole Paycheck!”
I
like to say, “Whole Foods? More like Whole Paycheck? More like Whole Foods more like Whole Paycheck more like Whole Still While I Murder You!!!” Because SERIOUSLY, JUST GO TO A DIFFERENT GROCERY STORE IF YOU’RE SO MAD ABOUT IT.

PEOPLE WHO JUST THREW UP IN THEIR MOUTH A LITTLE

No, you didn’t, liar. Get a new catchphrase. This one is deceased.

WOMEN

Women are people! Make a note of it! (See also
What No One Else Will Tell You About Feminism
.)

AMERICAN PEOPLE OF IRISH DESCENT

Look, Kevin, you’re from fucking Fresno, not County Cork, so unless you’re about to grant me three wishes or whatever, JUST

SHUT. THE FUCK. UP.

PEOPLE WHO ARE BILL PAXTON

I really enjoyed your work in
Twister
.

PEOPLE WHO MISS THE POINT

(See also:
People Who Choose to Correct You About the Definition of “Hobo,”
People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns
,
People Who Don’t Watch TV
,
People Who Will Just Have a Bite of Whatever You’re Having
,
Old People Who Think Pigeons Are Their Best Friends
,
People Who Don’t Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics
,
People Who Are Bill Paxton
, and
Babies
.)

PEOPLE WHO DON’T MISS THE POINT

I love you.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

The authors would like to acknowledge our boss and spirit animal, Tim Keck. Without him,
The Stranger
would not exist and neither would this book. All of the contributors—Grant Brissey, Paul Constant, Goldy, Jen Graves, Jonathan Golob, Eric Grandy, Anthony Hecht, Brendan Kiley, Madeline Macomber, Cienna Madrid, Charles Mudede, David Schmader, Stuart Smithers, and Jesse Vernon—are made out of solid gold. So are
Stranger
staffers Gillian Anderson, Dominic Holden, Anna Minard, Kelly O, Eli Sanders, Dave Segal, and Megan Seling. Hearts! Likewise: Bob Fikso and Laurie Saito were indispensably helpful. Flowers! Also, we heap thanks upon Corianton Hale, who made this book so fucking beautiful, and Whitney Ricketts, Gary Luke, and Sarah Plein, who ushered it out into the world. Kittens! Oh, and especially: Thanks, Mom and Dad. Sorry about all the bad words.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

LINDY WEST
writes about movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and more. You may have witnessed her single-handedly putting an end to the
Sex and the City
movie series. Lindy’s work also appears in
GQ
,
New York
magazine, the
Daily Telegraph
, the
Guardian
, the
New York Daily News
, Deadspin, and other places. She is a staff writer for
Jezebel.com
.

DAN SAVAGE
writes the sex-and-relationship advice column “Savage Love.” He is also the founder of the It Gets Better Project and the editorial director of
The Stranger
.

CHRISTOPHER FRIZZELLE
joined
The Stranger
as the books editor in 2003 and has been editor-in-chief since 2007. He has written about hunting for magic mushrooms in the wild, the effect of 9/11 on his military family, and creepy old buildings, among other topics. He hosts a regular silent-reading party in a hotel lobby.

BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT
writes about eating food, knowing cows (and eating them), drinking drinks, and more. Her work has appeared in the
Best Food Writing
anthologies,
Food & Wine, Town & Country
,
Gourmet.com
,
Beard House
, the Greenwood Space Travel Supply Co., and elsewhere. She is the managing editor of
The Stranger
.