I Want Candy (24 page)

“Oh, Eric, don’t say that! Your mother adores you. Dare I say you’re her favorite?” Candy smiled as she comforted him.

“I know she loves me, but I was the evidence of her secret, and it caused her a lot of shame. My brothers and sisters have somethin’ I don’t. I’m jealous of ’em. My real father died years ago from a drug overdose. I was his only kid. I’d get a Christmas card in the mail every year, but he never signed it. As I got older, he still sent ’em, and sometimes they’d have money in ’em. He still never signed ’em, but I knew they were from him. Then one day, they stopped comin’. I asked my mother about it, and she told me he died a couple months prior, but wasn’t sure how to talk to me about it. He’d watch me growin’ up from the sidelines. Sometimes I’d see him in the bleachers at my games. Sometimes I’d see him sittin’ in his old, green Lincoln watchin’ me leave school. I even saw him at my graduation for a moment. He never came to family functions. He knew my stepfather didn’t want him there. The sad part I guess was that he always wanted kids but never thought he could have any, and then I was like this miracle baby, but he couldn’t even really be with me. He got into drugs when I was around six or so, and it was all downhill from there.”

Candy hugged Eric tightly. “Oh, Baby. Thank you so much for tellin’ me this. I know it was hard.”

Eric continued to massage Candy’s foot. “Well, you said previously you wanted to know what I was hidin’ from. I told you it was myself, and that’s the truth. I’m afraid of being just like him, but also afraid of not being like him. This baby’s scarin’ me, Candy. I don’t know if I’m gonna be a good father. I just don’t know. I look at your stomach growin’. I know that’s us growin’ inside you. I think about the timing – how she probably saved our marriage, and I’m scared outta my mind, but love her at the same time.”

“Why does everyone keep saying
she
?” Candy smiled as she rubbed Eric’s wrist. “You’ll be a fine father. We’re both afraid, but we can do this.”

“I keep sayin’ ‘she’ because I know it’s a girl. It’s hard to explain, but I just know. I hope I’ll be a good father. She deserves that. She deserves more than me ridin’ around in my car, lookin’ at her from a distance, and sendin’ her a birthday card with a crumpled ten dollar bill in it.” Eric abruptly stopped rubbing Candy’s feet, stood up, and walked away. She heard him walk up the steps quickly and close the bedroom door harshly. She sat in silence and digested the information she had just received.

“He’s damaged,” she said to herself. “I’m gonna have to take care of him. My sweetheart’s broken.” She looked down at her stomach and rubbed it as tears fell onto her lap.

* * *

Candy slowly closed her diary. Tears welled in her eyes. “I can’t read the next journal,” she said out loud. Again, something was pushing her to relive her past. It was time for some self-intervention, but in order to achieve it, she would to look at her choices and life back then. Feelings of anger and sympathy, as well as new understanding emerged. She hadn’t thought about Eric in eons. All she could recall was the devastation he had left in her life, but there were moments of humanity, compassion, and openness that dotted their lives like rain drops on a leaf. It awakened the old in her and restored the new.

She took a deep breath and picked up the next diary in chronological order. She skipped a few pages and set her eyes to five months pregnant.

* * *

Candy felt heat up and down her back as she looked in the bag. The overwhelming odor of marijuana made her dizzy. The old gray gym bag was filled to the brim with saran-wrapped weed. She rubbed her temple as she contemplated her next move. The baby shower was in less than five hours. She heard Eric coming out of the bathroom. Angrily, she threw the bag onto the bed. As he approached her, his stride slowed. Candy trembled with rage and fear.

“All of the counseling sessions! All of the talk about bein’ a father and good husband! All of that and you still manage to do this! What are you doin’ with all this weed?” Candy shouted.

“Keep your damn voice down!” he yelled back. “Look, the work is runnin’ dry. We need more money, so I’m just doin’ what I need to do,” he said nonchalantly.

“I make more than enough for us to have a decent life!” Candy hollered.

“That’s the damn point! It isn’t about you! I’m the man of this family. You keep takin’ my balls away from me. I need to be able to know I’m contributin’ to our lifestyle. I’m makin’ half of what I used to, and now you’re carryin’ most of the bills. I need to do this until things get better. I’m not smokin’ it, I’m sellin’ it!” he informed as he turned his back and began to dress.

“What if you get arrested? What’ll we do then? What’ll your daughter do then?” Candy raced up beside him.

“Candy, leave me alone, really. I’ve got to run some errands before this shower. Not everyone can live all holy like you. Some of us have to make tough choices. I love you and our child, and that’s why this is happenin’. I don’t expect you to understand. Just let me be a man for a change.” Eric finished getting dressed and stormed out of the room as he tucked his shirt in and grabbed the bag off the bed.

Candy frantically ran after him. “Where are you goin’?” She grabbed the back of his red and white Nike jersey shirt. Her fingertips clung tightly. Eric abruptly snatched away from her, causing her to lose her balance. Candy teeter-tottered on the top step. Eric lunged to grab her flailing arms, but it was too late. Suddenly, Candy was rolling down the steps, her body coiled then sprawled out at the bottom.

“Nooo! Oh, my God!” she heard Eric yell before her hearing and eye sight seemed to fade away into an abyss of total darkness. She woke to unfamiliar surroundings, an IV in her hand, medical equipment buzzing to her left, green lines on computer monitors, and muffled voices from outside the room. She looked to her right and saw Eric asleep, holding her hand, then she heard a doctor being paged. Dazed, she began to move about. Eric’s eyes fluttered open.

“We gotta get to the shower! My mama’s waiting!” Candy screamed at the top of her lungs. Pain and wetness went from her breast down to her upper thighs. She tried to get out of bed to no avail.

“Baby, Baby, stop!” Eric said frantically. “There is no shower. You just need to lie here and rest.” Candy rubbed her stomach and felt the familiar bump. She sighed with relief. Her feet were swollen and propped up. She felt the side of her face. Her fingertips traced the bruises.

“You had a nasty fall. You’re OK, though,” Eric said as he rubbed her head. The doctor entered the room.

“Hello, Mrs. Fields. I’m glad to see you’re awake,” he said as he pulled up close to her. Your gynecologist, Dr. Brown, has come and gone. I’ll hand your husband this paperwork and…”

“Dr. Brown was here? Why’d she leave before speakin’ to me?” asked Candy.

“Baby, we can get into that later. Let the doctor take a look at you,” Eric interjected.

“No, no! Someone tell me now. Is my baby OK? Is she OK?” Candy demanded.

The doctor sighed and stood up. “Mrs. Fields, I’m terribly sorry. We tried to save her but couldn’t. The fall burst the amniotic sac. An infection set in immediately, and her heart rate dropped. We performed an emergency C-section, but she was too underdeveloped to survive. Again, I’m very sorry. I’ll come back in a couple of hours after you’ve had time to speak to your husband.” The doctor stood up and exited the room.

Candy looked around the room, waiting to wake up from the nightmare she was experiencing. She had already painted and prepared the baby’s room, bought her a few outfits, and picked out a name. She had already told her co-workers and put in for maternity leave. She had already thought of the books she would read to her, the places she would take her, and the secrets they would share. She had already fallen in love with her, over and over again.

“No!” Candy yelled out. The hospital monitor buzzed. Eric leaned over, crying. Candy angrily pushed him away.

“This is all your fault!” Candy sobbed. “You couldn’t let me have her! It’s always about you, you and your pride and selfishness. I hate you!” she screamed as she ripped the IV from her hand. Pain shot through her body as she attempted to get up from the bed. She noticed the catheter attached to her. Eric yanked her back down.

“Candy, Baby, it was an accident! I was walkin’ away. You came after me. I jerked away , and you lost your balance and fell! I’d never hurt you or our baby!” Eric cried out.

Candy sunk down in the bed and wept. Her mother and two nurses entered the room. Mrs. Benet clung to her daughter as she was sedated. Within a matter of minutes, her head lulled back and forth, and she fell into a deep sleep.

FORGIVENESS COOKIES

1 tbsp of I LOVE YOU oil

1/2 cup of holy water

1 tsp bittersweet chocolate chips

2 tbsp wedding vows

1 oz. hurt and mistrust (please use sparingly)

Mix together and bake in a 350-degree oven.

Let cool.

It may take time, but rushing the cooling process will ruin the necessary transitions.

* * *

Candy lie in her bedroom in the same pale yellow nightgown with the tiny pink flower trim for the second evening in a row. She winced from her soreness as she popped another pain pill into her mouth, washing it down with a tepid bottle of water. She looked across the misty dark room at Eric who was slumped in a chair. He was looking at her, his eyes bloodshot.

“I can get your prescription refilled,” he said blandly, barely able to be heard.

Candy slowly rose from the bed. She fought through the pain as she made her way down the hall, ignoring Eric’s pleas for her to remain in bed. She sluggishly opened the door to their daughter’s room. The goldenrod block letters that spelled out “Abigail” gazed back at her like blaring neon lights. She made her way to the crib and looked down inside. The strawberry and ladybug linens had been carefully selected. She turned on the mobile and listened to the sweet melody of “Rock a Bye Baby” as the tiny pink and yellow bears danced in a circle. She gripped the edge of the crib, tears streaming down her sullen face and landing on the quilted fabrics. An amber teddy bear with big brown eyes looked at her longingly as her tears coated her face. She sobbed profoundly, falling to her knees and holding her sore lower abdomen. Eric slowly entered the room, lifting her gently off her feet and carrying her back to bed. He removed her nightgown as she continued to pant heavily and sob. Taking a warm sponge, he dipped it into the bathroom sink basin and squirted a quarter-size drop of tangerine bath gel onto it, then moved delicately from her face to her neck to her breasts. He continued, moving downward, taking special care around her stitches and private area. After he finished, he rinsed and patted her dry. She lie there numb, silent, and naked. She looked off into space in a daze. The natural illumination of her eyes was replaced by void of life and hope. Eric stood up and soon returned with a fresh nightgown. It was made of thin white cotton, detailed with small light-blue dragonfly embellishments around the collar. He had purchased it for delivery of their daughter after Candy had complained about the fashion of hospital gowns. He sat her up and slid it carefully over and down her body. The baby bump was already descending. Her previously protruding belly was now merely a slight mound whose loose skin once covered tight abdominal muscles.