Irresistible Fear (17 page)

“Tavin. There you are.” The use of his chosen name, rather than his demonic one put him immediately on edge. Tavin entered a shadowed room that reminded him of a Roman bath. Torches burned on the walls, creating shadows in every crevice. There were figures massed in groups on the floors and in the steaming waters that pooled in large crater like baths. Every form of depravity and debauchery could be found here. Tavin used to find all of this amusing, even appealing. Right now he was feeling faintly nauseous. He approached the dais in the middle of the pulsating bodies on the floor. “Mother.” He fell to one knee in front of her. She loved to be treated like a queen and she expected complete supplication.

When he rose he was indicated to sit on a cushion at her feet. She was as beautiful and sensual as ever. Her dark hair running rivulets down her back. Her vivid purple eyes flashed in the gloom. Her robes appeared to move with the primal base that beat all around them. Lilith laid a hand on his hair, running her finger through it with a steady purpose. “I was beginning to think you were avoiding me Tavin. But that can’t be so, why would a son avoid his mother?” Her voice whispered in his ear. She used his name mockingly. She was playing with him now, a game of cat and mouse, waiting to swoop in and snatch him.

“Of course I wasn’t avoiding you Mother. I have been…preoccupied.” He kept his voice nonchalant and made himself lean into her touch. Her finger began to tug painfully at his hair as her nails dug into his scalp. “Preoccupied? What in the world could keep you from responding to my call for so long?” Here was the moment when he had to make a choice. Lie or tell the truth. If he told Lilith the truth, he could spare himself her inevitable wrath down the road. To lie would be to protect Emily for as long as he was capable. When it came down to it, the decision was easy for him.

“Nothing of consequence mother.” Tavin said, hating to demean his experience with Emily in any way. Even if it meant saving her. His words belied the truth of his feelings. Lilith’s fingers left his head and she viciously yanked him around to face her. Her talon like fingers gripped his chin and her penetrating purple eyes gazed into his, prodding for truths. Her shadow, thrown on the floor by the flickering light, revealed her true form. A horrible horned beast with huge sweeping wings.

Tavin hadn’t lived as long as he had without developing a few tricks of his own. Being his mother’s first son, he had also been given the ability to resist this form of mind manipulation. He blanked his mind and veiled his memories from her. He watched as she hit the wall he had created and saw the anger begin to boil there. She now knew he was hiding something from her. He just hoped she didn’t realize how important that
something
was to him.

“What are you not telling me, my son?” Her voice was low and husky, rage apparent in every word. “What would I not be telling you, Mother? Why would I hide anything from you?” He evaded her effortlessly. Tavin waited to see what move Lilith would make. She could easily strike him down for his impertinence. They were frozen in a silent battle of wills. Tavin held strong against her as she attempted to push her way inside of his head. Finally after what felt like an eternity, she sat back in her chair and laughed. She rubbed the back of her hand along his face and looked at him indulgently, as if he were a naughty boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“Tavin. I know you are lying to me. And we both know that your “preoccupation” is becoming dangerous. I'm curious about your sudden focus. Would you be willing to share it with your mother?” She wound her hair around her finger, watching him, waiting to see his reaction.

Tavin’s guts twisted in a knot and he felt his own anger rise to meet hers'. “Now Mother, you know I don’t share.” He struggled to keep his voice even. Lilith’s laugh was deep and rich and the figures in the room responded to it in a primitive way. The noise rose in a crescendo of pleasure and pain.

“I knew that would be your answer and I will let it go... for now.” She leaned in towards him, winding her fingers into his hair again and gripped tightly. Tavin choked on his gasp of pain. No weakness, he had to show no weakness. It was extremely important that he play this power struggle with her, she delighted in it. “But if you jeopardize yourself for some…fascination…” she spit at him. “I will intervene. You will return to me immediately! And it will be forever! I have indulged your whims. But you are not human Tavin! You are a demon! I won’t let you forget that. Just as you must never forget what they are. They are no more than chattel. Their purpose is to feed us and nothing more! I’ve indulged you in your obsessions and curiosity when it comes to
them
. But no more! This idiocy must end or it will be the death of you!” She flung him away from her. Tavin maintained his balance, but barely.

Lilith’s rage rolled off of her in waves and then like the flip of a switch she regained her composure. Her next words chilled Tavin to the bone and he could no longer pretend that Emily was safe, not as long as he was with her.

“Tavin, it’s a funny thing, these humans. They are so weak, so easy to break. You see human sanity is such a fragile thing. Like a balloon, it can go…pop.” Her eyes widened dramatically. She stood up and slinked toward him. The shadows pulsated around her with every movement, her shadowed wings fluttering madly. She stopped in front of him, the top of her head barely reaching his chin but she appeared to tower over him. Tavin couldn’t help but cower away from her, despite his vow to not show weakness.

“Have you ever seen someone careen off the abyss into madness?” She whispered, her breath tickling his cheek. “It’s magnificent Tavin. And the pleasure it affords us is unlike anything you could ever imagine.” Lilith licked her lips as if tasting something delicious. Her eyes sharpened and her words hit Tavin like nails through his skin. “I’m keeping tabs on her Tavin. On you as well. Don’t think you can fool me for a second. I know you aren’t feeding and I’m thinking you need your mother’s help to…how do they say it…seal the deal.”

Lilith walked back to the dais in the middle of the room, once again lounging on the pillows. She sucked on one of her fingers seductively. “She frightens so easily, your girl. So vulnerable, no wonder you chose her.” Her smile was like ice, a murderous smile. Tavin’s desperation was spiraling out of control. He had to convince her that he could do this and that her intervention wasn’t necessary. “Thank you mother, for the offer but I know what I’m doing. I don’t need the reminders.” He sought to make his voice deadpanned with a hint of contempt. He held his breath, waiting to see if Lilith would take him at his word, or force the answers she wanted.

Finally, his Mother turned away from him and Tavin could have collapsed under his relief. He had bought some time, not much but hopefully enough. “Am I free to stand now Mother?” He asked quietly, meeting her eyes. Lilith smiled again at him. “Why? Are you leaving me so soon? It has been so long and as I said, I have missed you.” Her voice became husky as she bade him to sit with her again. She gave a small flick of the wrist and two barely clothed girls seemed to materialize from the shadows. They were clearly human, but their eyes were dead.

Lilith kept a “supply” of human here in this world for whatever function she felt they should serve. For the first time, Tavin felt shame and revulsion at the memories of the ways he had used women such as these in the past.

No more, he couldn’t do this ever again, but he had to make a convincing excuse. Looking at these girls Emily’s age, he felt his chest constrict. He couldn't save them, but he would save her. Emily. So, his next words had to be played very carefully.

“Send them to Rameel or Balthazar. They are more to their tastes. I'd rather use my energies elsewhere.” Tavin's tone was unemotional. He was such a fake, how could his mother possibly believe him?

Lilith stared at him.

“Then go.” Lilith made a pushing gesture and the girls disappeared. Turning back to him, she met his eyes with an unyielding stare. “Remember my words Masteema. I don't condone foolishness and I don't condone betrayal. I smell both in your blood at this moment and it doesn't make me very happy.” With that she rose from her seat and melted into the writhing figures in the darkness. Tavin cringed at her use of his demonic name, the name she had given him. A clear message that he was expected to drain Emily and be done with it all, embracing the side of him she had created and nurtured. She had seen right through him the entire time. He couldn't leave fast enough.

Chapter 21

Emily was in her favorite amusement park. She could smell the food vendors and hear the whirring of the rides as they rose and plunged overhead. The sky was beautiful. That perfect blue in a perfect dream. Which made total sense, since this is what it was. She hadn’t had a nightmare in weeks, and she was feeling blissfully relaxed and rested. She could feel the difference even now, in her sleep. She was physically stronger but mentally she knew she was slipping. These dreams, Tavin’s continuous presence, they were weighing on her emotionally. She didn’t know how long she could keep living this double life. She felt that she merely lived until she could go to sleep, aching to be with him again.

“Here you go my lady.” A hand came into her view, holding a perfectly golden corn dog covered in mustard and ketchup. Emily laughed and took the heart attack on a stick. “Thank you very much. I could ask you how you knew this was my favorite, but I get the feeling you know most everything about me.” Emily’s entire body tingled as he stood close to her, not quite touching. “Not enough Emily…not near enough.” Tavin tucked a piece of blonde hair behind her ear. Emily stared at his mouth. They had shared a number of kisses since that first amazing one, but he seemed to be keeping her and the physical part of this relationship at an arms' length. Emily was a bottle of pent up sexual frustration and she was about to blow.

“I love this park. My mother brought me here a couple of times. They are probably the only good memories I have of her.” Emily began walking down the midway, trying to distract herself from the thoughts that consumed her, mostly of throwing herself at Tavin shamelessly.

The park was loud with the roaring of the rides and the pop and fizz of corn dogs cooking in the fryer. This was the first time that there were other people in her dream. The amusement park was teeming with them; men and women selling food, children running from ride to ride, people screaming as they plunged downward in the Spider’s Cradle. Even though there were people everywhere, she felt as if she and Tavin were the only ones there. Everything else just faded to the background.

They paid for tickets and rode roller coasters until Emily thought she would be sick. She screamed until her throat felt raw and tears streamed from her eyes. Through it all, Tavin held her hand, gripping it tightly in his own. His heat penetrated her and she felt fuzzy. He laughed as she jumped dramatically in the haunted house and pressed his face into her hair as they waited in line for pretzels. He was amazing; attentive, funny, and genuinely interested in everything she had to say.

After she ate her third round of elephant’s ears, they wandered down towards a grouping of benches that sat in a copse of trees. The river sparkled in the sun light. Emily sat down on the bench and groaned pointedly. “I feel so full. I’ve eaten my weight in junk food.” She rubbed her stomach dramatically, then moved over and made room for Tavin to join her.

He didn’t sit. Instead he stood in front of her; the sun behind his face, casting a shadow, making it hard for her to see him. It reminded her of that first time she had seen him on her dream beach. The moment when her life irrevocably changed. The sun went behind a cloud and she could see his piercing blue eyes. “What, do I have mustard on my face or something?” Emily laughed, rubbing at her mouth. Tavin’s lips quirked into his tight smile. “No, nothing like that.” He said softly. “Well what is it? You’re making me paranoid.” Emily joked. His seriousness was putting her on edge.

Tavin finally sat down beside her, his leg brushing hers’. “I’m sorry Emily. I was just thinking how beautiful you are.” His fingertips lightly brushed her cheek and his smile was filled with an indescribable emotion. She felt herself melting into his arms as he held her tightly. The connection Emily felt with Tavin was intense and sometimes made it hard for her to breathe. As happy as she was in these blissful moments with him, she felt a nagging anxiety that this would all end. That the next time she went to sleep, she would be alone again.

Emily watched Tavin’s face and could see his eyebrows knit together in a frown. He appeared to be struggling every time they were together. As if he were in a constant battle with himself. Tavin shook his head, as if answering an unspoken question. And then he leaned forward, almost recklessly. And then he was kissing her. His mouth pressed firmly against hers’ and she forgot everything but him. She was enveloped in his scent, absorbing it into her pores. She put her arms around his shoulders, her fingers playing with the fine strands of hair that brushed his collar. His hands went up her back, his fingers like hot coals against her skin. Goosebumps covered her arms and their kiss became more frenzied. She felt like she would drown. Tavin made a little groan in the back of his throat as his hands gripped her shirt and finally made his way underneath the flimsy material. He pressed his hands into her back, branding her flesh.

Emily didn’t think she could stop herself if they kept going like this and pulled away slightly. Tavin’s eyes were unfocused and it took him several moments to clear the haze from his eyes. “Why does this feel so real?” Emily whispered. Tavin’s fingers wound themselves through her hair and she was feeling decidedly light headed. “This seems, I don’t know, almost normal. Why is that Tavin? Shouldn’t you sprout a pig’s nose and I be wearing a hideous polka dotted tutu while sporting my killer Winnie the Pooh slippers?” Her voice became breathy as he tasted the skin behind her ear.

“This is as real as anything else in your life Emily. I’m here with you because you want me to be. And because I can’t stay away from you.” He looked away. Emily found his sudden shyness endearing. He looked back at her and gave a sad smile. “And whatever happens after this, I’m happy to be with you.” He said quietly. Tavin then pulled away and looked at her. That look ripped through every barrier she had ever erected around herself. Because she knew in that moment that he truly saw her for who she was, warts and all. And the crazy thing was he liked her anyway.