Irresistible Fear (33 page)

Tavin smiled at her.  “Emily, I can think of no better risk than to see you.  We can't ignore the fact that whether we like it or not, one day I won't be around anymore.  As much as we fight it, it's inevitable.  I wish I could change it.  Emily, if a being like me could pray, I would do it.  To be with you forever.”  His words were barely a breath, and soft in her ear.

“There's nothing you can do?  That I can do?  Absolutely nothing at all?”  She had to ask again.  She knew the answer.  He had never lied to her about this.  He had, since the beginning, been up front with her about their future, or lack thereof.  Tavin's eyes bored holes through her.  He didn't say a thing, only hugged her close to his body.  He cradled her head on his chest and softly brushed her hair from her face. 

His silence was all the answer she needed and it broke her heart.  The tears came then; gut wrenching sobs that seemed to be pulled from the very core of her.  Her body heaved and she could barely breathe for the violence of it.  And through it all, he held her.  And he somehow kept her together.  How would she keep the pieces together without him? 

“Emily.  You give yourself too little credit.”  He continued to brush her hair with his hands.  Over and over he smoothed the strands and it lulled her into a quiet peacefulness she never thought she could feel after the wave of emotion she had just experienced. 

“What do you mean?”  She asked, her voice stuffy from crying.  “Look at me for a second.”  He told her, scooting over a bit, releasing her from his arms.  She suddenly felt the cold and she wanted to burrow herself back into his chest.  But he seemed serious and determined to have her attention. 

His blue eyes were intent on hers’.  A slight frown marred his brow and he griped her hands with a strength that was mildly uncomfortable.  “Emily, you are the strongest person I've ever met.”  She couldn't help but snort incredulously.  His frown deepened.  “I'm serious here.  I've been around a long time.  I've seen thousands of people.  But you are amazing, partly because you don't realize it.  You will get over this.  You will live your life and do great things with it.  I know this with absolute certainty.  You have to trust me on this.” 

Emily began to shake her head again.  How could she possibly go on after losing the one thing that was bringing so much to her life?  She knew she was being pessimistic and negative but the heaviness in her heart wouldn't allow her to think or feel anything else.

Tavin seemed to become frustrated.  “Maybe I should never have shown myself to you.  I can't stand thinking that I will be responsible for you feeling like this.  You have a life to live Emily! You can't curl up in a ball and let it pass you by. Live it for yourself...for me!”  His voice rose in his passion.  Emily's eyes widened, not accustomed to seeing him so upset.

“Tavin.  I get what you're trying to say.  But I'm the one who's going to be left behind here.  And right now, I can't see beyond that.  I'm sorry.  I don't want you feeling badly about anything.  I am so thankful that you've come into my life.  I never knew what it was like to care about anyone like this.  And no, I don't want to love anyone like this again.  You are it for me Tavin.”  Her tone was so sure. 

Tavin looked away.  “You're still so young Emily.  There will be others in your life.  You will love again.  It would be silly for you not to.”  He choked on his words, pain making his voice raw.  Emily felt herself tremble with that familiar anger. 

“I'm old enough to know how I feel.  I'm pouring my heart out here.  And all you have to say is how young I am and to push me off onto someone else?  Really?  Well if that's all you have to say to me, then maybe we should just say our goodbyes then.”  She started to rise to her feet.  She knew she was being petty and juvenile, the very things she had just denied being to him.  Her words were complete lies.  She didn't know why she was saying them, why she was wasting this precious time she had with him arguing.  But she couldn't stop herself.  She was hurt, she was angry, she was scared and she was lashing out.  It's what she did. Emily could have laughed at how little she had changed in that respect.

Tavin grabbed her hand, stopping her from moving away.  “I'm sorry Emily.  I don't want to upset you any more than I already have.  Please don't leave.”  His sincerity cut through her anger and she sat down beside him again.

“No Tavin, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have acted like such a baby. I feel like I’m all over the place right now.” She hugged her knees to her chest, resting her chin. She felt his fingers softly touch her. “This is why I constantly question whether this is good for you.” He sounded so wretched and it tugged at her heart.

She looked up at him, gripped his hands in hers. “What have I told you? Stop being so ridiculous. You are good for me. You are the best thing for me; I don't know what I have to do to convince you of that. Whatever comes later. I’ll deal with it, but I don’t want to ruin this time with you because of my stupid insecurities.” She was becoming frustrated with herself now.

Tavin’s mood abruptly changed. He tugged on her sleeve as he stood up. “Enough with the doom and gloom. We’re making each other miserable here. Let’s enjoy ourselves. Just for a while, let’s pretend we are a normal boy and girl, together.” His voice pleaded. Emily couldn’t help but answer his laugh with one of her own.

“You’re right.” She jumped to her feet and put her arms around his waist. It still felt strange to hug this body but she wouldn’t allow herself to dwell on it. “There’s this amazing outcrop over here. Let’s go check it out.” Tavin looped his arm through hers, kissing her hair.

Emily felt warm all over as they took off toward the cliff. She couldn’t help but take a quick look around; making sure no one saw them together. No one seemed to be around, so she followed him.

They spent the next hour exploring, talking about a million different topics. And amazingly, it was exactly what each of them had wanted it to be; normal. She was able to imagine that they were a typical teenage couple and she reveled in the chance to hold his hand, kiss him, and be with him like this.

But it ended far too quickly and soon Mrs. Au was calling them back together. Emily quickly looped around, separating herself from Tavin with some effort. She didn’t want to be seen coming back with him. Because he was in Chris Riffey's body right now. It hurt to leave him, the physical absence a sharp pain in her gut.

She took some quick pictures as she made her way back to the group. She was slightly ashamed that the only pictures she had taken were of the two of them. But she wanted to remember this time they had had together, even if the face staring back at her wasn’t the one she wanted to see.

When Emily got back to the group, he was already there. Her heart plummeted as she saw Chris doubled over in the middle of an intense coughing fit. His face had turned red and he struggled for breath. Mrs. Au fussed over him worriedly.

When he was finally done he looked up and his eyes were no longer blue, instead they were their normal green. Emily felt as if she would cry. Tavin was gone, for good maybe. Chris looked around in confusion. She knew that look all too well, remembering the boy in the cavern after Tavin had left his body.

Though Chris didn’t say anything, he moved slowly and seemed to be struggling to understand his lost day. Emily felt a twinge of sympathy for him but was too focused on her own pain.

When they got back to the lodge, they gathered up Erin, who seemed to be chomping at the bit to leave. Even though she logically knew that Tavin didn’t inhabit Chris’ body anymore, it still hurt to see him go to Erin and kiss her deeply. She looked away, feeling empty.

As they loaded into the van, Emily overheard Chris’s worried whisper to Erin. “I don’t remember anything about this trip Er. The last thing I remember is getting into the van this morning.” Erin put her hand on his forehead and rubbed his hair.

Emily did her best to tune everything out and stared out the window as the mountains moved past her, her memories consuming her in a very real pain.

Chapter 35

“Hello, Earth to Miss Hilbright.” Emily blinked, realizing she had completely spaced out. Emily looked up at her English teacher, Mr. Miller and saw him looking at her expectantly. Emily looked down at her text book, hoping it would give her the answer she needed.

She was uncomfortably aware that her entire class looked at her. She saw the looks on their faces, some of them rolling their eyes. “We’re on page 601. Dante’s
Inferno
.” Emily looked over, surprised by the help.

Sasha had already turned her head away, but Emily felt herself warm at her unexpected assistance. Emily quickly turned to the correct page and looked at the story.
The Divine Comedy
. Now what had Mr. Miller asked her about it?

Emily looked up at her teacher and smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry Mr. Miller, what was your question?” Mr. Miller looked at her indulgently. “I was asking if you had any thoughts on what some major symbols were in Dante’s Inferno.” Emily felt anger clench her stomach. Mr. Miller clearly didn’t expect her to know the answer.

Part of Emily understood why he thought that. She was barely getting by with a low ‘C’ in his class. But it wasn’t because she didn’t know the material; it was more a lack of effort. So Emily derived pleasure in being able to wipe the smirk from her teacher’s face.
“Well actually, the entire story is an allegory with multiple symbols and themes. But probably the most recognizable symbols are in the punishments of the sinners. For example the lustful are blown around by winds for eternity. Representing how they allowed passion to blow them through their lives.” Emily answered quietly, but met Mr. Miller’s eyes, not looking away.

Mr. Miller tried to hide his surprise. He cleared his throat. “Good job Erica. That is a great example.” Mr. Miller, flustered, called her by the wrong name...again, something he hadn't done in a while. He turned his back on her and walked back to the front of the class. Emily covered her smile with her hand. Emily chanced a look at Sasha and saw that she was smiling as well. Their eyes met and Sasha gave her a subtle wink.

Emily grinned but was disappointed when Sasha quickly looked away. Emily turned her attention back to the book in front of her. Mr. Miller’s voice became a constant droning that threatened to put her to sleep.

This is what her life had become. Not being aware of much going on around her. The only time she truly felt awake was ironically when she was asleep. This stuff, her classes, homework, working, this was all “filler.” Emily didn’t feel much until she was with
him
. Particularly now that there were no secrets between them she was truly able to enjoy her time with Tavin. After the trip to Pinnacle Rock, she had been scared that had been it, that she'd never see him again. But surprising to them both, he continued to be there night after night.

They spent their time with very little talking, having found it brought too much pain. Which was fine for Emily, she'd rather kiss him anyway. They had cooled the physical part of their relationship, however and they hadn't even tried to take it to that next level.

There was such sadness in his kisses. She knew what being with her was costing him. And despite his constant reassurances that this was entirely his choice and he would have it no other way, she couldn’t help but feel guilty. She felt single handedly responsible for his pain. Because his pain was very real. Tavin tried to hide it from her the best he could, but there were times when he couldn’t. The weakness was a physical pain, one that nearly crippled him.

Emily clenched her fists and clamped down on the wave of grief she felt. She became extremely aware that she was in her English class. She wasn’t home, alone; she was in a room full of people and she had to hide the emotions that warred inside of her.

She bowed her head over her book, hiding her face. Emily was so lost in her internal struggle that she didn’t hear the bell ring. When a hand touched her shoulder she practically jumped out of her skin.

“Geesh Em, don’t have a heart attack.” Emily looked up at the comforting familiar voice. Sasha stood beside her desk, a bland expression on her face. Emily could tell that Sasha was forcing herself to look neutral, that she didn’t want to show anything she was feeling on her face. Emily felt a fresh wave of regret. She alone was responsible for the hesitant and guarded expression on Sasha’s face. And she hated herself for it.

“I must have zoned out there.” Emily hastily gathered up her books and threw on her coat. She didn’t know if she should try to talk to Sasha or not. Did Sasha want to speak to her? Emily stood awkwardly, not knowing what to do.

She had had so few people in her life that she allowed herself to get close to and she had systematically alienated them all. Sasha looked at her. Her friend’s eyes always saw more than Emily realized. And right now, those green eyes bored into hers.

Emily held her breath, not wanting to move. And then the noises from the hallway filtered in and interrupted whatever moment they had been about to have. Sasha bent over and picked up Emily’s English book and held it out to her. “Here. You don’t want to forget this. Cause I doubt you’ve even started the essay that’s due tomorrow.” Sasha’s voice wasn’t judging, only stating fact. Emily felt a smile tug at her lips.

“Actually, I’m almost done.” Emily lied. The two girls left the classroom and merged into the traffic of moving bodies in the hallway. Emily was jostled around as her classmates hurried to their next classes, frantically trying to beat the tardy bell.

“Yeah and I’m Mother Teresa.” Sasha rolled her eyes and started to walk towards her next class. Emily stood in the middle of the hallway. Their brief moment of reconciliation, or whatever it was, was clearly over and she was alone.