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Authors: Shirley Maclaine

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BOOK: It's All In the Playing
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All other questions seemed to pale in the wake of this general reassurance and the personal promise implied. Each of us secretly knew that every job we took was another advance toward self-knowledge. This was the lesson for Tina and Kisuna and for all the rest of us observing their growth.

This was the lesson for all of us who were so goal-oriented, ignoring completely that the process was just as important, that the real goal lay not in the end result but in how we achieved it.

Brad and the camera crew questioned Tom about what we could expect in Peru. Tom cautioned them to be careful of humidity in their lenses, that it would rain a great deal, and that power could be a problem if we had no backup system. The guys took notes. There were more technical questions, which Tom answered in a way that seemed to satisfy the crew, and then he ended by saying that the show would have a tremendous effect on the consciousness of the audience, that it would be controversial but it would allow people to think more freely about spiritual ridicule. Then he concluded by saying we were all together for a reason and this project would not be the last time. We were destined, he said, to work together not only because of our desire to be innovative, but because we had much to learn from one another. A warm shiver of understanding went
through us. Each of us had known somewhere in our hearts that we had drawn ourselves to one another and that we had experienced only the first act of what that meant.

Chapter 16

   L
ater that night Simo and I talked about the dynamics on the set. The conflicts presenting themselves seemed to revolve around grappling with issues that related to the growing power of female energy. The chief characteristic of New Age Aquarian energy was the emergence of the yin (female) energy. The time had come for a balance between yin and yang—and in the adjustment of that balance many conflicts arose.

I looked at our production. I, a female, had motivated the entire project—experienced the spiritual search, written about it, and was now starring in the film about the book. Our first and second assistant directors were female (in positions traditionally held by males), our co-producer was a female, and most of the men on the show were either comfortable with the female sides of themselves or were being forced to allow it. But the most graphic conflicts were occurring not among the men on the set (which is usually the case), but among the women.

The New Age was addressing itself to leadership by women, which meant not only that men would be required to make a fundamental adjustment in relation to
female leadership, but that women would also. The old traditional patriarchal dynamics were going to be replaced, not by matriarchal values but by equality between the two.

As I looked at the interplay between Tina and Kisuna, one thing seemed clear to me. Tina represented the male-oriented approach to professionalism. Getting the job done well was the high priority, not really stopping to smell the flowers. Kisuna was more introspective, viewing her femaleness as a priority just as important as the task set before her. She might take longer in accomplishing the job, but she wouldn’t deny herself realization along the way.

Tina expressed her female side by lovingly baking cookies, cakes, and goodies for the crew which she placed in the makeup trailer every morning. She said it was nothing, that it didn’t take long. But with her hours any amount of time she spent was time she could have used for herself and her family. Yet Kisuna was more of a feminist whose highest priority was to understand self so she could be more understanding of others.

The next day Kisuna called.

“Just wanted to say I’m leaving,” she said.

I was stunned at how little I had understood the dynamics of my own set.

“You’re leaving the show?” I asked.

“Yes,” answered Kisuna.

“Why?”

“Because,” she said, “I’ve not been doing a good job. Production and I both think it’s best that I go.”

I listened. “But what’s really going on?” I asked.

Kisuna paused and sighed.

“Listen,” she began. “I’m ready to go on to something more creative. Being a script supervisor is too left-brained and linear for me now. That’s why I’m making mistakes. I admit it. My father was a director and
early on he said I should do the same kind of more creative work.”

I wondered if she was listening to her heart or the heart that her father had conditioned. Then she continued with how she felt about the set.

“There’s a lack of honesty among the women,” she said. “They’re all covering their asses, like the men have taught them to do. And they’re swirling in gossip. I mean, are we seeing ugly female traits coming out because many women have positions of power on this film?”

I said I thought a film set was really a mini-society and we’d probably be seeing a lot more of this kind of thing because of the power women were destined to come into. We talked about how we had been accustomed to defining ourselves by men and that now we were in uncharted territory because we were trying to define ourselves by ourselves.

“Some of our female traits,” said Kisuna, “make me wonder how much of a feminist I really am. I’m having to deal with my sexuality all the time.”

I thought that a bit confused, yet I listened to Kisuna carefully. Her outpouring held heavy implications. I thought of how I did or didn’t use my own sexuality in the work environment. I decided it depended on whether I found someone attractive or not; otherwise I felt like one of the boys. I thought of my own brashness and abruptness when I became impatient with someone. I saw aspects of myself in how Kisuna described others. Then it occurred to me that Tina was a great teacher for all of us.

“Yes,” said Kisuna. “I can see that,” she said. “And I can see aspects of me in Tina too. I know we all attract the data to ourselves which best enables us to clear up our own issues. I know I’ve drawn Tina and Yudi to me. They are my teachers. I know that. They are a gift for my learning. But now I’m going to move on.”

There was nothing more to be said. I felt an acceleration of realized growth in Kisuna and admired her rigorous self-analysis. It was painful, yet courageous. I wondered if I would have had the courage to expose my feelings and defects publicly, as she had done in the abortive attempt at reconciliation with Tina during the channeling session. I wondered if I would have felt as Tina had felt if someone had exposed me to my fellow workers.

“When I stood up,” said Kisuna, “it may not have been politically wise, but that is the old male way of repressing emotions. I needed to be honest with what was bothering me. I have to deal with confronting my emotions or I may as well give up.”

Kisuna and I talked for a long time. In the conversation I realized more fully than ever how important it was to understand that the work we cut out for ourselves acts as a classroom for our self-knowledge. If we had a job we hated, that in itself said something about what we thought of ourselves. And each work environment that we experienced was a microcosm of life itself. Each day of the week could be viewed as a mini-lifetime, at the end of which we could hope to say we had accomplished a bit more recognition of who we were, and simultaneously know better the identities of our fellow humans.

   I had cause to be grateful to Tina and Kisuna as teachers for me, but they were amateurs compared to John Heard, who had now arrived from New York, ready to shoot, with a brand-new excrescence on the right side of his face—indicating certain unknown pressures had been sustained in New York.

When I needled him a little, asking what happened to his conviction that he’d rather sell hot dogs on the corner than interrupt the cleanup of his life in New York, he said New York was dirty, and reinforced negativity. My brains, intricately scrambled by now, made no
attempt to understand what kind of teaching this must be that I had drawn to myself.

McPherson told me that John Heard needed a transformational experience. That there were other actors in the world, but
he
was ready for a breakthrough and that was why he knew he needed to return. So maybe he had drawn me to
him?

I wondered who would transform whom first. And whether the breakthrough would be a crash “heard” around the world.

To work with John when the cameras rolled was sheer heaven. Sometimes I wished they’d roll all day long so that I could experience that clear, direct, laser-beam talent all the time. His eyes were honest. He never made a fake, uncentered move. And each take was different, exuding its own truth and total understanding. When things don’t come out exactly the same way twice in a scene, you
know
the person you are playing with is really thinking it through each time. He was a miraculous actor.

So to watch his approach to life when not on camera was a lesson for me. Colin and I were to conclude later that John was rehearsing all the time that he was not actually shooting. And there wasn’t an emotional reaction or a behavior pattern that he wasn’t willing to try out. It was as though he put himself through the hoops of human diversity just in case he might come across something he could use in a part. He was the quintessential example of “acting out life,” but with predetermined intent. He was quite unselfconscious about experimenting, and viewed the reactions of others simply as grist for his mill.

If the crew addressed him as “Mr. Heard” and requested that he step two paces to camera right for a focus lineup, he’d step two paces to the left. The crew would be nonplussed, and John would simply study their “nonplussedness” in case he wanted to use it later. There
was a childlike quality to his trying out situations and discovering limits. But as a fellow actor who wished I had the guts to be that outrageous, I was onto him. And he knew it.

Still, the truth is that probably the quality most essential to good acting is that of sustaining the child in yourself, in the sense that children can and do lose themselves utterly in the delight of role playing. And sometimes, when a role is thrust upon them, they enter the drama just as thoroughly but not necessarily with joy.

Anne Jackson and I had long talks about it as we waited for the set to be lit. She was in her sixties, but, as in all really fine actors, there was this wonderful dichotomy of child and tough adult in her. We like to please the director and, of course, the audience, but when we are honest about it we are essentially attempting to extract loving approval from our parents. When you engage an actor in retrospective conversation about our craft and why we got into it in the first place, the parents always emerge somewhere as prime movers—either positive or negative.

I guess you could say that about all human beings, really, since we are formed and conditioned by the forces floating in the family. But acting makes it all right to use and work with the child within. Maybe the reason why all of us are a little bit star-struck is because this allows us a return to childhood from time to time, the audience joining the actors in a game of “let’s pretend.” And perhaps this is also the reason why society never really takes actors seriously. They are to be enjoyed as amusing and entertaining, and loved as reminders that innocence still prevails in a cynical world.

So, as John went through his antics, I think most of the crew secretly felt a grudging admiration that he could get away with it.

He paced alone between shots, unconcerned that he appeared to be a caged lion. He slobbered food down his
face. He burped in the middle of quiet and told obscene stories at moments when dignity was required. He was undaunted in the expression of himself.

And he was continually attempting to punch holes in our script and in my spiritual beliefs. I loved every minute of it because it honed my way of communicating to a human being who did not find social amenities tolerable. He was not the type of person who would spare my feelings and let me have my “crazy weird beliefs.” He cornered me—
now
—and said EXPLAIN. And I did. But he never once said it was crazy, because his own sensitivity demanded an open mind. And somewhere in his gut he knew better anyway. Of course he was also Catholic, which meant anything was possible.

But what impressed me the most was his power—again like that of a child who takes it for granted that absolutely anything is possible. When John left his trailer and walked onto the set, brave men and ballsy women shrank in anticipation that John might perhaps force them to confront something more about themselves they had not suspected was there.

   We were now into a night-shooting week in the Malibu hills. That meant turning our sleep state around completely. We went to work at dark and shot until sunrise.

Colin had “given himself” a cold because of some career decisions he needed to make. Kevin had gone home and Jach Pursel hung around for a while, until the boredom of the long waits involved in movie-making got to him too.

Glumly I sat in my trailer, waiting to be called, while outside it was alternately freezing or raining. The only conversation to have in the wee hours was small talk. “What did you eat for dinner last night?” “I think this makeup is more flattering, don’t you?” “Wonder what so-and-so is going to do about the way her
friend
spends so much time with such-and-such …” and on and on. It drove me crazy in the makeup trailer, so I preferred to wait alone.

Also I was having a hard time resisting what Tina baked each day. Since Kisuna had left, Tina’s treats for the crew had tripled. And, as everyone knows, food is also a great anodyne for boredom.

“Have the willingness to align yourself with inner beingness,” I said to myself loftily.

I was trying, but maybe my inner being was a fat lady.

“Insist on being yourself, whatever it is,” I continued.

“Allow people to love you. Learn to accept love,” I said.

Yes, I was trying. But the pain of looking at oneself honestly was deep. I was seeing so much of my intolerance and impatience, and in that light why should I completely accept love from others when I thought
them
defective for feeling the way
I
did?

BOOK: It's All In the Playing
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