Layers Off (5 page)

A hot cup of herbal tea steamed on the table by the bedside. Once Julian ensured I’d sipped enough into my body he crouched, leveling with my eyes and said, “Promise me you won’t leave this bed.”

I nodded.

He stood up. The white towel hung so perfectly beneath his hips, I found it difficult not to stare. Was I really that lucky to have him in my life? And was I really that stupid to will myself to die and let him go? How long would he continue healing me? How long would he put up with me? Would he ever give up?

Julian tucked me in and went back to his mattress. He removed his towel. The night light glistened against his toned backside as he slid under the sheets, naked, and passed out within minutes. Fighting to stay away, I watched his sculpted chest rise and fall. His muscled thigh reached out from under the covers. The bedding hugged his beautiful curves, and I watched him sleep until my eyes closed.

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, I tried to piece together what had happened the night before. The evening didn’t make much sense. I remembered stirring from a nightmare and going outside, wanting it all to be over; then the freezing weather tearing through my limbs, a scorching shower, and Julian’s naked body against mine. That mysterious tattoo flashed through my mind. Had I nearly frozen? I had wanted to.

At moments of weakness, death always loomed near, and I had wanted to die. Living this way was too painful. But he had brought me back to his house and saved me. In fact, Julian said he wanted to kiss me. I drew my fingers across my lips. Was it healthy for me to even hope we could have what I had once dreamed about – before I went out with his brother, that is? I let him touch me when I swore no one ever would. I’d kill myself before they did. But Julian’s hands took care of my most basic needs to survive. What was the reason he handled my body with such care? He’d only touched me because he had to, right? If my mind was playing tricks on me again,
this
could push me over the edge. And
this
time there would be no ticket back to this world.

If I was going to make things right, it had to start now, and it had to start with the only man who ever truly held the key to my heart. He tried so hard. Didn’t I owe it to him to show him how much he meant to me? How much he had helped me already? Shouldn’t I tell him that he ignited hope inside me? My will to live was getting stronger every day, and Julian was the reason it was.

I sat up with caution, slowly so that the room wouldn’t spin the way it normally did. Julian was still asleep on his mattress by the door. His slow breaths were released between those pursed lips I’d admired in the shower. A memory of us naked against one another flashed through my mind again, and I felt my cheeks flush. But our connection there wasn’t the kind that I’d feared and sworn against – Julian had been trying to bring my body temperature up, that’s all. Wasn’t it?

I lowered my feet to the ground and tiptoed to the mattress. I was wearing fresh pajamas and a new pair of Julian’s fluffy socks. I didn’t remember getting dressed, but the last words he spoke before I passed out still rang in my ears. I’d promised not to leave the bed, but I couldn’t help myself right now. This was what I’d been waiting for. If I didn’t do it, now I’d chicken out.

I knelt on the floor beside him and relished the way the sheets wrapped around him, exposing his other thigh and half his chest. The sheets tented below his navel, and I stared there for longer than intended. I fought the urge to sneak a peek at the tattoo under his heart, which was now covered with a sheet. Instead, I gently touched his cheek.

Julian’s eyes flew open and he propped himself up on his elbows. “Is everything all right?”

I nodded, and with a slight push on his shoulder he lay back. I pressed my index finger to his lips. He remained quiet at my request. With a deep breath of courage, I slowed my racing pulse. My eyes began to well at what was about to happen. Such simple task as speaking would bring me back to this world. At the least, it would mean I had some hope for me too, and Julian was the one who had made it happen.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, almost not recognizing my own voice. My throat ached. “I’m so sorry.”

He sat up higher and I found myself in his bear arms. Sitting on the mattress I nuzzled into his neck. Julian stroked my back and kissed the side of my head.

“Oh, my God! You spoke.” He tightened his arms around me. “You have no idea what this means to me, K. And you have nothing to apologize for.”

“No, please.” I pulled away and wiped my nose with my sleeve. He needed to hear everything, and I hadn’t even begun. “I’m sorry and thank you.” With tears streaking down my cheeks I leaned in and kissed his lips. I wanted to show him how grateful I was for his help and didn’t quite know how to do that. My lips on his were meant to show my appreciation, and I ensured the gentle skim of my mouth on his couldn’t be mistaken for anything more.

“Kendra—”

“—Julian, if it weren’t for you I would have found a way to die. I almost did last night.”

“Your voice is like music to my ears.” He laughed out loud as if what I’d said didn’t matter. Was I still talking in my mind?

“I didn’t want to give you hope. I didn’t want to hurt you again,” I said.

His fingers were smoothing my cheeks, my lips, and my eyelids. He wiped my flowing tears with the back of his hand and then pulled me in again right into his lap.

“I never lost hope,” he said. “Please tell me you will not stop speaking again.”

“I promise I won’t.”

“Good, because there’s so much I want to tell you too.”

He slid me off his thighs onto the sheets and shot off the mattress. Cross-legged, I remained at its edge, watching Julian pace between the bed I slept in and me. He looked like a chicken with its head cut off. Julian ran his fingers through his hair over a dozen times and finally stopped, regarding me from across the room.

My hand covered my mouth and my eyes widened. I pointed my finger at his naked crotch.

“Shit! I’m sorry!” He cupped his package with his hands. And what a package it was. Still in its half-erected form, it could hardly fit in his grip. He ripped the sheet off my bed and covered himself.

I giggled.

“I’m glad you’re amused. Shit! I need to think. What do we do now? Breakfast. We need to eat first. Are you up for that?”

I nodded.

Julian frowned.

“Yes, I’m sorry. It will take some time to get used to.”

“Okay, I can deal with that. And please don’t be sorry. Now, get dressed, and let’s get some food.” He tightened the sheet around him and rushed toward me. Julian lifted me in his arms, sat me down in a chair, and flung the mattress away from the door. Once again Julian appeared to be running from one end of the room to another, unable to decide what he wanted to do first.

“Julian, you’ll have a heart attack.” Now he reminded me of a road runner, and all that was missing was a horn.

“Impossible,” he laughed. “Now get dressed. I’d love for you to join me for a proper breakfast in the kitchen.”

He skidded across the room to the closet and half a minute later came out in a white t-shirt and sweat pants. Julian rushed toward me and guided me to my closet.

“Okay, okay. I get the hint,” I laughed.

“She not only speaks but laughs,” he sighed.

Inside my walk-in closet which was suitable to be at least a smaller bedroom, I inhaled the fresh smell of lavender. I’d never get enough of that. Pulling on a tank top, jogging pants, and a sweater, a feeling of a new beginning enveloped me.

I hadn’t had a simple breakfast in a kitchen in so long, the thought seemed foreign. I’d envisioned myself locked up, force-fed just so I could vomit a few minutes later. But with Julian at my side, breakfast sounded better than anything.

I’d taken too many things for granted. With the drugs slowly dissolving in my system, all I wanted now was some sort of normalcy. And Julian was the only person who could make my wish come true.

C
HAPTER
5

“You’re lost in thought.” Julian handed me a cup of tea. Curled up in a blanket, I sat on a swing in the sunroom, snuggling against him. Outside, snow covered most of the property. Thick flakes littered the night sky. Far in the distance the dock light shone in a green oval aura. It had been three weeks since I first spoke. In between my daily therapist, doctor, and nutritionist visits, we found a routine of waking up, having breakfast, and playing pool. My favorite part was going outside for a simple walk. Something was freed from inside me when I wasn’t confined between four walls. The fresh air expanded through my lungs as if each time I breathed was my first. Julian insisted I stay in his bedroom and remained there with me, sleeping on the extra mattress, which was now closer to the bed instead of blocking the doorway.

My other favorite activity was waking up in the middle of the night to watch him sleep. I couldn’t get enough of it. At times I gripped the sheets to keep me in my bed instead of climbing in beside him, feeling him cocoon me, hold me, and shelter me. Julian had limited our physical connection since I spoke, and I wondered why.

“I was thinking about the day we met,” I said.

“Unusual circumstances, weren’t they?” Julian’s smile was kind yet held a hint of pain.

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

He exhaled reaching to my head, messing my side braid. “You were so innocent with that spiky hair.”

I punched him on his arm playfully. “I was young and stupid.”

“Well, that explains then why you went for my brother and left me in the dust.”

“Please.” I rolled my eyes. “You weren’t available.”

I leaned into him the same way he let me every day. The comfort of his arm, his soothing embraces, and being near him had kept me grounded for the past three weeks, but we hadn’t been as close as I remembered – physically, at least. Perhaps that was a good thing. My body was still recovering, and my emotional state was in a limbo that I found difficult to control. There were moments when my mind went to those dark places, usually when Julian left to work and Clara stayed with me. He seemed to be the only one who could preoccupy my mind enough for me to stay focused on the now and on the future.

With Julian around, I didn’t need to think about what had happened. The memories of being held captive began to vanish from my mind. Three more weeks and perhaps I would be able to pull off the role of a bridesmaid at my best friend’s wedding in Vienna. Sam was marrying Gabe; Julian’s and Tristan’s cousin and business partner. Julian had just received the invitation in mail that day. The news was the most exciting I’d heard in a long time. Going away to another country to witness Sam and Gabe get married would keep me busy. It would confine those dark moments to a minimum. And… Julian would be there too.

“Why would you think I wasn’t available?” He wrapped his arm from behind me, allowing me to further mold into his safe body.

“This is embarrassing.” I felt my cheeks heat up. “But I guess if I’m to make amends for my past, I should be honest. I overheard your conversation. I think her name was Cindy or something.” I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t sure why I did that. Just the sound of her name revived the old jealousy I recalled from that day. Six months after the train accident, I spent a week with the Cross brothers at their house. My foster parents had gone away on business to Europe. They’d been very good to me and lived fairly close to the Crosses, who had found this new home for me. John and Maggie, Julian and Tristan’s parents, also funded my private school, paid for my therapy so I could deal with the loss of my parents, and acted like my second family. I always thought I didn’t deserve everything they gave me, but they declined to touch my inheritance, insisting I’d need that for college and to get a good start afterwards.

~ . ~ . ~

That night at the Cross’s, playing on their XBOX and watching
Game of Thrones
from the first season, Julian cut our fun short when he went upstairs to get ready to go out with Cindy. My world seemed to collapse because I could have sworn that until then we had a connection. I was certain I had a chance.

As soon as Julian left the house, jealousy consumed me. All this time I had thought there was a special spark between us, yet here he was going out with someone else. Each weekend I’d spent with them, sailing, going to the movies, watching the brothers box, I’d thought Julian had overcome our age difference, but I didn’t want to overstep boundaries nor disrespect the courtesy the Cross family had shown me. So, I never made a move, patiently waiting for the right opportunity – perhaps even waiting for Julian to take that first step.

In that single moment when I found he had a date, I vowed not to dwell, and I threw myself at Tristan: right on that couch in the family’s basement. And with one decision, the respect I’d tried to earn evaporated in the heat between me and the younger brother. As soon as my eager lips touched Tristan’s, I could get lost in something other than my pitter-pattering heart for the man who’d crushed it with one date. I kissed Tristan with ferocity I’d never thought I had, and he returned my full on tongue-attack. I couldn’t blame him; after all, he was a teen in his prime. So while Julian attended to Cindy, I fooled around with Tristan, and we sort of became an item. He helped me erase Julian from my mind, at least for the time being. Yet that scar on his upper lip that I’d split with a kick when we rolled down the hill always reminded me that his lips weren’t the perfect ones I sought.

~ . ~ . ~

“Cindy Walker?” Julian’s question interrupted my memories.

“Yeah, that was her name. You said you were going with her to her prom.”

Julian reached for a square of milk chocolate and placed it in my mouth. As it began melting on my tongue, I lowered my shoulders and leaned my head back to savor the taste. When Julian popped a piece into his mouth as well, I couldn’t help but stare at the way he chewed it. The hazelnut crunched, echoing through his jaw.

“Did you also know about the part where I had signed a contract to act as her guard there?”