Read Letters at Christmas Online

Authors: Amber Lin

Tags: #Fiction, #Romance, #General, #Holidays, #Historical, #Historical Romance, #England, #Entangled Scandalous, #brother's best friend, #Regency, #Amber Lin, #Christmas

Letters at Christmas (5 page)

BOOK: Letters at Christmas
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Chapter Five

Despite our secret and sensual play, I left England as your friend. A friend who refused to send letters, so that you might move on with your life, and even marry another if you chose to. That is not who returns to your life and your bed tomorrow. I intend to be your lover, your possession. Your husband. I am not the same man you knew, but I can only strive, with each day at your side, to be a better one.

Hale touched Sidony’s cheek, smooth as silk beneath his palm. This morning he’d had to leave her bed early. Too early, to avoid being caught by the maid. Soon, though, he wouldn’t have to sneak, wouldn’t have to hide. He could send the maids away for hours, for days, and damn propriety, once she was his wife.

As soon as her maid had gone, he’d slipped back into Sidony’s room, unable to stay away. It had always been that way. Hundreds of miles away, years away, and he couldn’t stand to be apart. At least the few minutes separation had given him time to shave and dress in new tailored clothes he’d had made on Bond Street upon his return. Their cut was elegant, the fabric carrying the weight of wealth and position. As if the clothes could make the man.

They couldn’t. He wasn’t good enough for her, but she never seemed to mind. He felt ever bulky and uncouth beside her—unworthy.

She opened her eyes and gave him a smile, lips trembling. He had to kiss them, to take her fear and excitement for his own. He felt the whole world through her, using her as a shield when all he ever wanted to do was protect her.

“I must explain,” he muttered. “I have to tell you…”

He’d always known it would come to this. He should have told her a long time ago. She grasped at his clothes, her breath fast and eager. Every time he’d tried, he’d gotten lost in her lithe body or the endless well in her eyes. He drowned in her, and he would do so his whole life, but she deserved to hear this.

Grasping her hands, he pulled back. “You know about my father.”

Solemnly, she nodded. Hale had never hidden from her his dislike of the viscount who had sired him. He was easy to talk about. Unlike his mother.

“My mother… She loved my father. She was a shop girl when he found her. He was already married. But she fell in love and happily became his mistress. She remained in that position through my childhood. I remember seeing a tall, forbidding man come to the front door. I was supposed to stay in the kitchen.”

Sidony’s eyes were wide and dark with pain. Only then did he realize he was squeezing her hands tightly. Releasing her, he paced away, running a hand through his hair.

This was harder than he’d thought it would be. Not because she would judge him, though she could and no one would blame her—least of all him. But because she was a mirror, those crystal eyes reflecting back at him. His uncertainty as a child, the taunts from other children who knew what his mother was before he did. And then later…

He forced the words out. “I sometimes think he must have loved her, too, to keep her for so long. She was well past youth when his fortunes turned. And then he couldn’t afford to keep her at all. By the end, we lived in a single, dirty room. She was ill, and there was no money for a doctor or food. Even when she was coughing,
dying
, she was waiting for him.”

“Oh, Hale. I’m so sorry. That’s awful.”

“When she died, I was so angry. Furious. I went to my father, expecting to… Hell, I wasn’t sure what I expected. To fight him, maybe. To challenge him, even though that was ridiculous.”

“Not ridiculous,” she said softly. “To defend your mother’s honor.”

“Well, he was a sick old man by then,” Hale said grimly. “On his own deathbed, though he’d brought that one on himself. He cried when I told him she had died.” He shook his head at the memory.

“I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t kill him.”

“No, of course not,” she said soothingly, and he thought she might agree to anything he said now. She was humoring him, which meant he must be worse off than he thought.

“Then he offered to send me to school. I figured—why not? I would use his money to get an education.” A hollow laugh. “I had no better prospects. And there I met Geoffrey.”
And then you.

“I’m so glad you did, Hale. You excelled at school, and now as well, as a captain and businessman. Your mother would be so proud.”

“She was loyal to the end. She would say it was his blood that made me successful.” He smiled ruefully. “And since I only had the opportunity to gain an education due to his money, I suppose she’s right.”

“No, you earned everything you have now. You could have stayed and tried to use your connection with Geoffrey to give you an easy position. Instead, you forged your own path. A much more difficult one.”

He returned to her side, tucking a curl behind her ear. “You see why I had to do it. To support us, yes. And to procure your brother’s blessing when I asked for your hand. But it was more than that. I had seen the devotion of a woman in love… my mother loved him to her death. I couldn’t…I couldn’t watch you—”

“I understand. You didn’t trust yourself.”

He frowned. No, he hadn’t meant that. He couldn’t have watched her pine and love a man unworthy of her. He couldn’t have watched her suffer poverty and hardship in the name of love.

She smiled gently. “You didn’t want to be your father. Well, you’re not. You’re a strong, kind-hearted man. That’s who I fell in love with, Hale.”

His insides felt jagged, his throat raw. Was she right? Had he proved to himself that he wasn’t his father? Relief was a salve to his wounds. Yes, he had. Partly that. But building a future with Sidony took more than earning money and position. It also took letting go of the past.

Her expression was so open. So honest and strong. Why had he seen loving her as a weakness? She was so brave.

Pulling her close, he pressed his mouth against hers, knowing he was too rough, too hard—knowing she could take it. She opened her mouth to him, letting him in, body and soul. He felt the communion in every velvet caress of her tongue, in the sinuous movements of her body. She was graceful, fluid, like a sunlit stream running through his fingers. Lowering her onto the bed, he slid beneath her, closing his eyes against the onslaught of sensation. Small hands unbuttoned his trousers amid a rustling of skirt and petticoats. When she aligned the head of his cock to her opening, he had to open his eyes.
God, the sight of her above him
—hazel eyes glazed in lust, the tops of her breasts flushed with arousal. A wet, hot glove enclosed him, wrenching a groan from him.

Her smile was filled with feminine power. “You’ve needed this, haven’t you?”

“You,” he said hoarsely. “I need you.”

She bent down to his ear, sliding their bodies together in delicious friction. “I’m yours.”

He felt her words like a promise, a clench in his heart and an urgent pulse low in his body. He thrust up urgently with his hands on her hips, holding her body down on his. But she could take it. His woman, his wife. The strongest person he’d ever met. She could take anything he put to her. And gave back so much more.

When he came, sharp pleasure arced through his body. Lights burst across his vision, but even blinded and bowed, he saw her clearly. Full lips parted, skin flushed. Her dusky green eyes were sultry with passion and devotion. His chest swelled with answering desire. Loving her for the rest of his life would be his greatest privilege.


A fire crackled in the hearth, lighting Geoffrey’s study in a warm glow. Hale remembered flat gray walls, but cream wallpaper now featured slim cranes nestled among bamboo leaves. Catherine’s touch, he suspected. Sidony’s taste was more colorful, and he knew Geoffrey would scarcely notice the wall coverings, much less dictate them.

A light flurry of snow had turned the window white. Hale tapped idly on the soft, burnished leather of his chair. Every aspect of the study spoke to comfort, but his body was tense and sweating as though a storm was brewing. He’d learned to recognize the prescient crackle in the air, and he felt it now too.

He had literally spent three years preparing for this meeting. He could recite his accounts and investments by memory. He could detail his plans for how to keep Sidony happy—well, some of them.

And yet, it might not be enough. He was new money. A bastard. And, at least in a few ports, he might even be termed a pirate. Soldiers displaced from the war found a new battlefield—the sea. Even an official trading ship had to fight for its keep.

Frankly, Sidony could do better than a man such as him. Even asking Geoffrey might put a strain on their friendship. And if Hale must spirit her off to Gretna Green? The strain would snap. They might have grown apart over the years, but Hale had no desire to become Geoffrey’s enemy or to cause a rift in their small family.

The black cat strolled into the room and twined around Hale’s legs. Swallowing hard, he stroked the silky fur. So, this was Bailey’s offspring. He’d been shocked when Sidony told him, although he should have guessed sooner. He had narrowed his vision to only her—to only her response. After three years of suppressing all emotion and hope, he’d been reduced to a single plea.
Will you marry me? Yes, yes, please God yes
.

Geoffrey strolled into the room a few moments later. “Sorry for the delay. Catherine had a question. She’s planning a big wedding. But—” He shrugged. “Her first one was small.” He seated himself behind his desk and began fiddling with a stack of papers, eyes downcast.

Hale knew from experience he would have to wait until Geoffrey’s attention wandered back to him. “Geoffrey,” he prompted.

“Yes, I—” His friend continued to riffle through the papers, eyes too blank to be reading.

This was not an auspicious beginning. “I’m in love with your sister.”

Geoffrey froze. At least he’d heard. He glanced up, his eyes clearing. “I know,” he said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Which it
was
, but Geoffrey didn’t know that. Or…

“I beg your pardon?”

“I know that you’re in love with Sidony. If I’m not mistaken, she returns your affection.”

Hale cleared his throat, trying to catch up. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“I assumed that’s why you went to sea. To establish yourself for marriage.”

Was there anything he hadn’t figured out? “Yes, that’s right.”

Geoffrey raised an eyebrow. “And to explore the world before settling down.”

“No.” He was talking about women. “I’ve never had any desire to explore. If I travel later, I want it to be with Sidony. I’m asking for your permission to marry her.”

Geoffrey leaned back in his chair, looking thoughtful.

Hale forged on. “I have already let a townhouse in London, but we can search for something permanent when she arrives. I have also put out inquiries for land here in Lancashire, close to Harbeck Hall, so we can enjoy the country pursuits nearby.”

“She is still young.”

“Not too young.”

Geoffrey’s glance was sharp. “I’ve trusted you here.”

Hale met his gaze levelly. Neither of them were saints. Geoffrey’d had Catherine under this roof plenty a time. If he wanted to call Hale out for the same thing, so be it.

After a tense moment, Geoffrey blew out a breath. “I suppose your wedding should be sooner rather than later, then.”

Hale pulled the special license from his pocket. “This should be fast enough.”

Geoffrey examined it with surprise. “You were confident.”

More like desperate. So desperate he’d almost bungled things with Sidony, but thankfully she was forgiving. She was, as Geoffrey had once said, sensitive—but in the best and most admirable of ways. He narrowed his eyes at his friend, who clearly saw more than he let on.

“Do you ever plan on telling me what happened when your parents passed away?” Hale asked.

To his shock, Geoffrey answered. With a clear gaze, he said, “No, but I think you understand now. How just seeing certain things can change a man. Or be the making of one.”

Yes, Hale understood. He hadn’t wanted to taint Sidony with his tale so he’d omitted the gruesome details—but they were the important ones. The absolute shock as he’d watched a man slip overboard, as if he were just a drop in the ocean. Hale still heard his scream mingling with the waves and the wind. Hale’s desolation when his cat Bailey was missing too, another body on the growing pile. The dread when he’d assumed command, realizing that more men would surely die, and it would be his responsibility, his fault.

At eighteen years old and in love, he’d thought he was a man. He’d been wrong. All that had changed in a matter of hours, when all his childish promises turned to ash in the face of impossible odds. The only way he could win Sidony was to accept certain death, to give up that youthful, hopeful part of himself.

He leaned forward. “How does one move on? How does one keep living?”

“I’m the wrong person to ask. You’ve said yourself, I’m not the same.” He stared at the snowy white windows. “But if I had to guess, I’d say it’s this. Spending time with family.”

“At Christmas,” Hale added, thinking of Sidony’s delight when she’d seen the sleighs. In town there were barely any signs of the holiday season. He’d disembarked to find everyone with their head down against the cold, expressions brittle. Only out in the country he’d seen the celebrations. Only here he’d found Sidony and her joy with the trappings of yuletide.

“And in the care of a good woman.” Geoffrey seemed to be on the same line of thought. “Don’t be afraid to lean on Sidony. She’s stronger than she looks.”

“Well, she looks quite strong.”

“I regret I wasn’t there for her when she was younger, and that our parents weren’t either, but she’s grown up well despite that.”

Though she still felt the pain of abandonment acutely. Hale had known that before he left, but he truly
felt
it now, as if their hearts were already linked, as if any discomfort to her bled into his body. In which case, he thought wryly, he’d better marry her without delay, so he could begin making her happy. Although that wasn’t strictly true. She didn’t need anything from him but his presence, his devotion. He was the one who needed her.

BOOK: Letters at Christmas
9.46Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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