My Point ... And I Do Have One (21 page)

CURES FOR WALKING PNEUMONIA
Sit down!

Headaches
A lot of people will tell you that if you have a headache, you should take an aspirin or some other type of pain reliever. What they don’t tell you is that aspirin and its pals cost money. You have to invest something like two dollars. Sure, my book is $19.95, but look what else you’re getting … Okay, let’s get past the money and change the subject.

A lot of people will tell you that if you have a headache you should pinch that little flap of skin between your thumb and forefinger. What they don’t tell you is maybe you don’t feel like pinching that flap, or maybe you’ve been dieting so you don’t even have a flap anymore. I’ll tell you one thing. I wish I had never written this paragraph, because now I’m starting to get a headache.

CURES FOR A HEADACHE
Pummel a bag of chattering teeth, rubber chickens, and other joke items with a shillelagh. If you don’t own a shillelagh, then either borrow one from a policeman or rent one.

Set your clothes dryer for an hour, sit on top, and “ride ’em cowboy!”

Pinch the flap between your neck and your waist.

When your neighbors aren’t home, sneak into their house, fix yourself a drink, then see if they have anything weird in their closets. If they’re gone long, take a nap on their new couch.

Eat pancakes and keep eating them until your headache goes away.

Go to the nearest high school and take the SATs again.

Pretend to be Swedish for a whole day. This might not cure your headache, but it’s bound to be a lot of fun, by yimminy.

Sit as close to your television as you possibly can and watch any Ernest movie. Either that or go to an ABBA concert. It’s your choice.

I think that I have proved conclusively that I am not in any way, shape, or form in the medical profession. If you persist in thinking otherwise, then there is a good chance that you are, if not completely insane, more than halfway there. And don’t go giving me any of that “Laughter is the best medicine” business. If I get strep throat, I’d much rather take penicillin than watch a lot of Benny Hill reruns.

the last
chapter

I
really feel that this is a complete, well-rounded, fleshed-out piece of work—an eclectic book. A little something for everyone in the family to enjoy. And if it were up to me, I’d say “The End,” but it seems that contractually I have not fulfilled my duty—the lawyers have reminded me that the book must be at least 60,000—that’s sixty
thousand
—words.

“Wow,” you say. Or maybe not—maybe some of you said “wow” or simply thought it in your head. Those of you who did not react at all surely have no concept of the pressure to write that many words, for that is a
whole
lot of words.

In conclusion (and, just between you and me, in order to get the law off my back), I’d like to say a few things that perhaps I neglected or merely didn’t expand on or go into detail about. For instance, I have enjoyed writing this book over the past year. It’s been a learning experience that I shall never forget. My one regret is that I don’t know how to type so I did not use a computer. I have written the entire book in longhand, and I’m not positive, but I believe my right arm is now considerably larger than the left—because I am right-handed.

Sometimes I think much faster than I write, therefore … Hey, is
therefore
one word or two? I think it should be two even if it’s one word because it is actually two words joined together—it’s certainly long enough to be counted as two words. Anyway, sometimes I’ve misspelled words because I can’t write as fast as I think, and I have worried that my publisher will think I am stupid—although spelling should not represent the level of intelligence of a human being.

I prefer to use the term
human being
not because it is two words, but because I like it better than person—that is just my personal taste. I do use the word
person
as well, but I just sometimes prefer
human being
. What does that mean, anyway? I understand saying he is a human—but a
human being?
I also enjoy using the words
homo sapiens
, from time to time. It’s funny how many words there are for people (see, there’s another one right there).
People
is a term or word used for more than one person. But still we say. There were a whole bunch of people.” Why? You know what I’m saying: if people is already plural, why do we need to say a whole bunch? I’m not saying you, the reader, do that. But surely some people do. I know I have used the phrase before many times.

I just glanced out the window—what a beautiful day it is today. It’s so clear I can see the mountains. I live in the Hollywood Hills, and sometimes Los Angeles is so smoggy that I can’t see the mountains. But today it’s so clear I can see them.

I’m sitting at my desk with my computer next to me—almost mocking me. I do have a computer to store all of my writing on disk. I just type so slowly that I can’t write this book on it. I rarely sit at my desk and write. I have written most of this book on airplanes, in hotel rooms, in coffeehouses, in bed, in the kitchen—everywhere but at my desk. Sitting at a desk reminds me too much of school. I hated school. I’m so glad to be out. But when I look back on it, I wish I had paid attention more, studied, learned a lot more. So if you’re reading this and you’re still in school, don’t do what I did. You go ahead and enjoy this time in your life; it only happens once. Knowledge is power and you need power in this world. You need as many advantages as you can get.

There are two little birds outside my window—I’m not sure what kind they are—and to be perfectly honest (and I have been all throughout my book, so why stop now), I don’t really care. I believe them to be blue jays—they are “talking” to each other. One will skwawk or squawk or however you spell it, then his pal will respond. It’s quite obnoxious and makes it hard for me to concentrate on my poignant writing.

I do wonder what the commotion is all about. What on earth could they be arguing about? Is it possible that they are lovers and in a lovers’ quarrel? Did one bird flirt with another bird and the other bird found out? I’m sure that must happen—don’t you think so? If you care to respond send all letters to Bantam. Because if it weren’t for this 60,000-word clause, I would have been finished and I would not have gone this far and I wouldn’t have been sitting here being disturbed by these loud birds. So, it’s all their fault, really.

Well, I think I am just about to reach my quota, so thank you for hanging in there with me. (If some of you stopped on the last chapter, it’s okay because that is really where my book ended—this is just for the lawyers.) But if people stopped reading it—then who am I writing to? No one will ever know that I am telling them it’s okay to have stopped there.

I am sitting here writing to myself and to the lawyers. Maybe I should say something to them because I know they are reading. “Hello, lawyers. How are you?” Hey, maybe they aren’t reading, they’re just counting the words. In that case, I don’t even have to form sentences. I can make up total nonsense. Nothing has to mean anything; I can just look around and write down everything I’m looking at or thinking about and no one will ever know. Fireplace, firewood, candles, pictures, lamp, vase, tulips, clock, television, rug, bed, computer, printer, dog, telephone, monitor, books, globe, chair, hats, shoes.

THE END

Phew!

Table of Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Acknowledgments

A Note from the Author

Thanks for No Memory

A Letter to My Friend or A Frog in a Sombrero Does Not a Party Make

Daily Affirmations or A Cup of Pudding a Day Is the Way to Stay O.K .

Ellen DeGeneres: Road Warrior or Sometimes You Need a Map , Sometimes You Need a Globe , Sometimes You Need a Map and a Globe — but Not Very Often

The Plane Truth or Dem Ain’t Goobers, Dem’s Peanuts!

Ellen’s New Hobby

Ellenvision

I Went to a Psychic or Baloney Is Just Salami with an Inferiority Complex

How to Explain Sex to a Child or Where There’s a Corn Chip , There’s Bound to Be Hot Sauce

In the Kitchen with Ellen or As Tasty as Poison and Just as Deadlye

Things That Sound Like a Good Idea at First, but Really Aren’t

Ellen DeGeneres Is a Man! or Ellen DeGeneres Is a Man!

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

The Scariest Thing

The Time Ellen DeGeneres Had an Emergency!

One Step Closer to God or One Step Back , You Do the Hokey-Pokey and You Turn Yourself Around

The Ellie-Gellie

Things to Do If You’re Stuck in an Elevator to Help You Pass the Time

Ellen’s Wild Kingdom or You Can Put High Heels on a Poodle, but That Won’t Make It a Hooker

Ask Ellen or It Might Look Like Honey, It Might Taste Like Honey, and Bless My Corns, It Might Even Be Honey

Crazy Superstitions That Really Work!

The Benefits of Being a Celebrity by Ellen DeGeneres, Big Enormous Star

Your Own Fantasy Conversation with Ellen DeGeneres

Experiments in Human Behavior

Ellen’s Sure-Fire Cures for the Things That Ail Ye

The Last Chapter