Never Marry a Stranger (21 page)

She stood erect, trying to be so strong. He desperately wanted to hold her, to protect her, but she held herself apart.

“I was incompetent, and so very uneducated,” she said.

He knew that was why she studied so hard, to better herself, as well as help the students who’d had no one to champion them before she’d arrived. She
looked toward the window, as if she couldn’t bear the sight of him.

“Do you know how it felt to be the poor relation no one wanted? Not only did I have no family, I did not even know where I would sleep after my cousin took the house, but for a kind neighbor temporarily taking me in. But she had no room for me, either.” And then her hot gaze met his again. “I came so far down in life that I had to work as a chambermaid cleaning rooms at an inn owned by Stanwood, because sewing garments did not bring in enough rent money. Men regularly propositioned me because I was powerless, helpless.”

Matthew’s throat was tight with emotions he’d never confronted before. He couldn’t imagine how frightened and alone Emily had been. He would never let anything harm her again.

“Was it Stanwood who hurt you?”

“He tried,” she said. “Oh, at first he simply watched me, and I felt the threat of what he truly wanted of me. The only way to hold him back was to do…other things he wanted. I stole for him, Matthew. I truly am a criminal, in more ways than one. Twice I took money from a bedchamber I’d cleaned. But I wouldn’t keep doing it. And when I refused, he put me against a wall to finish what he’d started.”

Matthew’s entire body was stiff with fury and weakness.

“I wouldn’t let him make me helpless,” she insisted with heated anger. “My brothers had taught me where to kick a man. Then I ran from him to Mr. Tillman, who so desperately wanted me to escape, pretending to be your wife. And then Stanwood found me—” She closed her eyes, and one tear escaped. “He murdered that poor old man, frail with sickness, right in front of me.” Her breathing caught. “He held a pillow over his face and I fought him, pulling at his arms, but he threw me back.”

“Emily…” He whispered her name, feeling his own helplessness. He realized he was like Stanwood and those men at the inn who’d propositioned her, used her. How was he supposed to make things better between them? And he desperately wanted to, because his family was right, he’d fallen in love with her. But if he told her that now, she wouldn’t believe him. He had to prove himself to her. He wanted a real marriage, and everything that went with it.

E
mily watched Matthew reach toward her, then stop, his face full of confusion and pain.

“I don’t want secrets between us, Emily,” he said softly.

“There are always secrets, Matthew. We don’t know how to trust each other.”

“But I trust you,” he said, putting his arms around her. “I haven’t told you everything, but I want to now.”

She remained silent, looking up at him, taking shelter in his embrace for the brief time allotted to her.

“My wife was named Rahema, and as you can see from her name, she was a native woman.”

Her lips parted in amazement, and her own problems faded for a moment. “She wasn’t British?”

Shaking his head, he pulled her with him until they were seated in two chairs before the warm hearth. Bracing his elbows on his knees, he reached for her hands and held them.

“She was at the mission when I was brought in from the jungle, wounded. She nursed me, and we became lovers. I soon realized she was ill and might not survive. I felt such…tenderness toward her, such gratitude.” He looked down at their joined hands. “I did love her. So to provide for her, I married her.”

“I’m glad you did,” she said softly.

He gave a faint smile. “You would never condemn me for doing something outside the boundaries of Society. I never even thought about the scandal, should it become known. I was just like the rest of my family.”

“You loved her, Matthew, and you wanted what was best for her.”

“She told me she’d been baptized an Anglican, which was important for a legal marriage. Neither of us thought she’d live long, and I just wanted her to have some peace. Surprisingly, she recovered, and even moved with me to my next post. That’s when I sent the vague letter to my parents telling them I’d married, so they’d have time to become used to the idea before I presented them with a native bride.”

She winced. “Your family thought that letter was preparing them for me.”

He smiled. “Glad to be of help.” Their smiles faded and he gave her a searching glance. “I thought Rahema was happy with me, but I never saw the truth.”

She took a deep breath, squeezing his hands. “She was lying to you?” And then he’d come home to find another woman doing the same thing to him. Emily was surprised he hadn’t been more angry with her from the beginning.

“After she died, I discovered she’d never become a Christian. Hell, that probably means we weren’t even married according to English law. She’d used me to support family she never told me about. My money wasn’t enough. She was so desperate, she exploited the things I told her about my assignments to betray our army.”

“Oh, Matthew!” His name was an involuntary cry.

“Men died because of her—because of me. And I never knew any of this until she was dead.” His eyes were distant as he relived the memories of his past.

“And then you came home and found me,” she whispered. “And now I’ve betrayed you, too.”

He clutched her hands tighter. “I enjoyed every moment of our game. And you haven’t betrayed me. I know you aren’t involved in Stanwood’s plots. You’ve been caught in circumstances you’ve been powerless against, and it’s made me realize that Rahema was, too. I cannot forgive what she did, but I understand now that she was trying to survive the only way she knew how.” His eyes grew sad. “And she didn’t think she could trust me enough to
tell me the truth. She must not have thought I could help her.”

“You don’t know what it’s like to have no one,” she said softly. “It…changes you. You’ve always had your family.”

He sat forward on his chair, looking meaningfully into her eyes. “There won’t be a scandal for Stanwood to reveal, because we’re going to Scotland to be married, to Gretna Green, where we don’t need banns read or a special license.”

She gaped at him, hope unfurling like a blossom after winter. “Married?”

He grinned. “Yes. The pretend marriage will be real, and will solve all our problems. We’re good together, Emily. We can be happy.”

But he didn’t say he loved her, and didn’t ask for her love in return. She’d told herself all along that love didn’t matter. If she was the only one in love, then so be it.

She thought about foiling Stanwood, and remembered that he wasn’t working alone. If their marriage made Stanwood powerless, it could also dissuade whoever was helping him. Telling Matthew would only make him question his friends, when they were only trying to protect him from her.

“We leave tomorrow,” Matthew said. “I know just what to say to my family.”

That night, Emily could not sleep. She knew Matthew thought the evening had been a success. He’d told his family they were going on a honeymoon to Scotland, and everyone was happy that they’d have time alone. She’d tried to relax, to tell herself she was getting everything she wanted: a husband, a protector, security.

But she kept looking at Matthew, and her feeling of unease grew into dread. Lieutenant Lawton and Mr. Derby had both expressed their good wishes, but all she could think was: which one was lying? Who would do something drastic, feeling that they had to protect Matthew from her?

It would never end, she knew. One of them would eventually talk to Matthew, furthering his doubts about her. Right now she was an exciting game; he’d said so himself. That couldn’t last. He’d grow bored with her, and then it would be too late—they’d be married, and Matthew would regret it.

Not long ago that wouldn’t have mattered to her. She’d only wanted safety.

But Stanwood was a desperate man. What would he do if he could no longer blackmail Matthew and her?

She’d fallen in love with Matthew, and the thought of him unhappy—or hurt—because of her, was too much to bear.

Very carefully she slid from the bed and tiptoed to the dressing room, not letting herself look at him, for fear she’d change her mind. She donned a day dress and cloak, packed a change of clothing and some necessities in a portmanteau, and calmly went out into the corridor.

“Emily?”

She gave a start of fear at the loud whisper, turned around and saw Susanna at her bedroom door, carrying a candle, a shawl wrapped over her nightgown. They gaped at each other.

Susanna marched toward her, glaring at the portmanteau, and then taking in her clothing. “What are you doing?” she demanded. “You and my brother cannot possibly be leaving in the middle of the night!”

Emily set down the portmanteau. “But we are. Go back to bed and don’t tell anyone. It will be a surprise!”

Susanna stiffened. “I don’t believe you. I just had a strange feeling all evening that something was wrong. You didn’t seem yourself. I’ll see what Matthew has to say.”

When she touched the doorknob, Emily put a hand on her arm. “No, don’t.”

Susanna studied her so thoroughly that Emily felt like a specimen under the professor’s microscope.

“Don’t?” Susanna repeated. “Why shouldn’t
I disturb him? Shouldn’t he know that his wife is leaving in the middle of the night?”

She tried to think of a lie—she was always so good at them. But nothing could excuse this behavior. She thought of everything Susanna had gone through, how close their friendship had become—and she couldn’t continue to lie.

Emily stiffened her shoulders. “I’m not Matthew’s wife.”

Susanna only blinked at her from behind her spectacles.

“Did you hear me?” Emily hissed. “I’m not his wife, so you have to let me go!”

Susanna leaned in toward her. “What are you saying?”

“How can I be any clearer?” Emily groaned and closed her eyes for a moment, stunned at how difficult it was to say the truth. “I was never his wife. It was all a lie. I thought he had died, so I used his name to save myself.”

“But…. but…” Susanna just continued to blink at her owlishly.

Emily expected her to gasp or scream or cry. She wanted to cry herself, never imagining how painful it would be to have this wonderful family know the truth about her.

“Does Matthew know?” Susanna demanded when she’d pulled herself together.

Emily nodded tiredly. “From the beginning. The
whole amnesia story was his way to delay hurting his family while he investigated me.”

Susanna gasped. “How did he even think of such a thing! And you didn’t know he was lying?”

“Not until last night.”

Susanna’s brow wrinkled. “But since then you’ve announced a honeymoon.”

“I won’t go. It will be too dangerous for him.”

“Too dangerous for him?” Susanna echoed, baffled.

“He thinks—he thinks if he marries me in truth, everything will work out.” Though she tried hard to keep her emotions from escalating, her eyes started to sting, and she had to wipe them with the back of her hand.

“Well, of course he wants to marry you,” Susanna said.

Now it was Emily’s turn to blink at her through her tears. “I lied to him—I lied to you all!”

“And now you’re going to run away to protect him? What about taking risks, as you told me?”

“I—I—This is different! Matthew deserves someone better than me.”

“I don’t know all the details, but you would never have done something like this without a good reason.”

“Susanna, you don’t even know me,” Emily whispered.

“What balderdash. Of course I know you.
You’ve been like a sister to me. You’ve helped educate the village children. And you love my brother.”

Emily hugged herself. “You don’t understand. There’s a man blackmailing me. Matthew thinks he can protect me, but what if—what if—”

“Do you trust him?”

“Of course.”

“You’ve done something more daring than any woman I know. And now you’re trying to protect Matthew, rather than letting him do the same for you. Let
him
take the risk now, Emily. I can tell he loves you. I wish I knew everything you’ve been through—and you must promise to tell me—but for now, I will only say that this must be true love, since the both of you are trying so hard to protect each other.”

“But Susanna, there are things he doesn’t know yet, things that might hurt him. How can I tell him that—”

“Because you must.” She gripped Emily’s hands. “You may think this is crazy, but I admire you. Don’t skulk away now. Prove to me that the love you feel is important enough to fight for. Prove to me that I should look for such a love, too.”

Emily bit her lip. “You’re right, I know you’re right. I’m just so frightened for him, for all of you.”

“Go back in there and talk to him. And don’t
worry about what you’ve told me. I vow never to repeat anything unless you tell me to.”

Emily’s tears began afresh, and she tried to blink them away, whispering, “Susanna, I love him so. He’s become everything to me. Feeling this way is…wonderful and terrifying at the same time. But it makes life worthwhile.”

Susanna sniffed even as she smiled. “Go to him.”

Matthew awoke to darkness and lay still, listening to Emily breathe. He should have been happy; they were going to outwit Stanwood. But instead he’d grown more uncomfortable as the evening progressed. He’d told himself that he was just worried, that they’d be able to return in time to meet Stanwood and prove they were married. Let Stanwood threaten to tell the world their story; Emily could no longer be hurt. For Society’s ears, Matthew could turn the whole thing into a romantic escapade with a happy ending, if he had to.

Emily would always be at his side. And he’d make sure she knew she was safe and loved.

He heard the flare of a candle lighting and opened his eyes. Emily was walking toward the bed from the hearth. He frowned up at her as she set the candleholder on the bedside table. She was fully dressed in a day gown, and her cloak was thrown over the back of a chair. A portmanteau rested beside the
desk, and he wondered if it contained her sewing samples.

“You’re not leaving,” he said softly, firmly.

“No, I’m not.”

That stopped him.

“But I was going to.”

“Emily—”

“Just listen. I was, but then I saw Susanna in the hall, and we had a talk. She knows almost everything now, Matthew.”

“I’ll make her understand.”

“She says she already does. I don’t think she needs our help anymore, because she was helping me.” To his surprise, twin tears etched glistening lines down her cheeks. “I was going to leave because I couldn’t let you put yourself in danger. Stanwood killed a man, and he might try to kill you or your family.”

“We’ll take care of him,” Matthew said, sitting up and swinging his feet over the side of the bed.

“But there are things you need to know.”

He realized that she would have risked her life by leaving, rather than let any harm come to him or his family. Tenderness washed through him. He wanted to counter with his love for her, beg her to love him in return, but she didn’t yet trust him; he saw that now. The only way she would allow herself any kind of trust was if he could put her safely out of Stanwood’s reach.

“Then tell me, Emily. I can understand why you felt you couldn’t tell me before, since I’ve been lying to you.”

She rolled her eyes. “My lies were worse! But this isn’t a challenge about whose lies top the others.” She sighed. “I think someone within the household is working with Stanwood.”

He stiffened. “You think he put a man in here?”

“Perhaps, but I truly think someone is trying to protect you from me. The first blackmail note I received from Stanwood came in the post, but the second was left here in this room. The notes only arrived after you—and your friends—returned home.”

“And after the
Times
article.”

“Yes, but…it would make sense if someone was trying to help you. Your friend Lieutenant Lawton would naturally want to see me away from you. He’s from Southampton, just like Stanwood.”

Matthew shook his head. “He has no reason to go behind my back and help Stanwood.”

“But…he’s been so secretive about where he goes every day.”

“And that is his business. I trust him.”

“What about Mr. Derby?”

“Peter? Who’s barely been out of Cambridgeshire his whole life?”

“He felt humiliated when I rejected him last
spring. And he somehow thinks I believe him undeserving of Susanna.”