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Authors: Derek Goodman

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I don t know. There s the Club McPhisto, but I ve never been comfortable going there since the time I ordered a Bloody Mary and they made it with actual blood. I know it sounds lame, but we could always try Stubby s Bowl-a-rama if you re up for something cheesy and oh hey would you look at that. Caleb blinked at her a couple times, not sure what exactly that was supposed to mean, until he realized that she was staring straight ahead. Caleb looked too.
He had worked at OneStop for a long time now, longer than would have been healthy for his sanity even if it had been a normal convenience store. He d thought he d seen enough to never be surprised by anything again. But that was all at work and away from the sanctuary of his sleepy little apartment building. He never thought any of the things that he had to deal with at the store would be at his door. Or rather through his door, apparently. The door to his apartment was smashed into thousands of pieces and scattered all over the hallway.

Chapter 6

After a short steady flow of customers for the first twenty minutes of the shift, the OneStop Mart now only had one customer loitering over by the magazine rack. Phil did the nightly cigarette inventory while Lucas went to the bathroom. Phil was alone for less than a minute when he heard the howl of distant wind and looked at the other side of the counter to see a black mist forming.

He set down his clipboard and waiting patiently behind his register.
The mist coalesced into a form that stood over seven feet high. It might have had a vaguely humanoid shape, but it was difficult for Phil to tell under the thing s thick dark cloak. It didn t appear to have any feet, and instead of hands it had bloodstained ivory claws at the end of thick, hair-covered digits. Beneath the thing s hood where a face should have been there was nothing but a formless swirling void. It reared up and held its claws out in a menacing manner. An unearthly shriek issued from where its mouth should have been, a terrifying noise that rattled the store s windows.
Phil waited, trying not to show how bored he really was. The customer at the magazine rack didn t even look up.
The thing was quiet for several seconds, and if it had eyes Phil thought it would probably be blinking at him in confusion. Then it shrieked again. Phil waited until it was finished before he spoke.
Would you mind not doing that? If you break those windows with your opera impression then you re the one who s going to have to pay for them.
The thing put down its claws. Phil wished he could say that this was the first time he d ever seen a formless void in a cloak look dejected, but he would be lying.
So I don t scare you? it asked.
You re new around here, aren t you? Phil asked.
Uh, yeah. Just moved in down on Grant Street. Why you ask?
Because that kind of schtick really isn t going to work in this neighborhood.
But how can it not? I m the Boogeyman. I strike fear into the hearts of children and the weakwilled the world over.
Phil didn t try to argue with him. It wouldn t do any good. Everyone that came into the store thought they were so unique.
I am the Alpha Werewolf for the whole western United States! I am the Queen of the Damned! I am Elvis reincarnated!
The thing was that every werewolf seemed to think they were the alpha, and there were no fewer than four queens of all who were damned within a ten block radius. As for the Elvises, well, most of those people were just nutters. The real Elvis only came around once every eight or nine months.
Seriously, guy. Not going to work, Phil said. Now was there something I could help you with?
The cloak s shoulders slumped. No, I guess not. The boogeyman turned and started floating for the door, then stopped and came back. Unless you have any of those sour apple gummy ring things? Those are awesome.
Phil pointed down one of the aisles at the candy, and the boogeyman floated off to grab them. Not long afterwards, Lucas cautiously stepped out of the bathroom.
Do I want to know what that shrieking was? Lucas asked.
Boogeyman, Phil said as he went back to doing the cigarette count.
Oh. Um, right, Lucas said. Just the freaking Boogeyman. No sweat there. None at freaking all. He stayed over by the nacho cheese dispenser to watch as the boogeyman rifled through the candy.
Phil supposed there were things he should have been training the newbie to do, but his mind was too busy with other stuff to care much at the moment. Lucas could stand there for a few minutes not doing anything if he really wanted. At any other convenience store Phil would have been concerned that the security cam would catch them slacking off, but the camera here in the store hadn t worked ever since it had become haunted. Not that the whole store was haunted, just the security camera. Phil supposed there was a story there but no one had figured it out yet.
Of more concern right now was what to do when Sue showed up. He was worried about how Lucas would react when he found out that Phil was dating a zombie, but there was also the reason he had wanted Sue to come by tonight in the first place. He wanted to talk with her about where they were in their relationship, where they stood with each other, where it was going and if what either of them felt was real. All things that would have to be dealt with eventually, but they couldn t talk about it just yet, because Sue s tongue was mostly rotted away. Until they figured out a way around that, communication was going to be tough.
Phil knew that other people were weirded out by his relationship with Sue, and as much as the constant disgusted looks pissed him off he could still understand where everyone else was coming from. He had felt the same way not long ago. Zombies were just one of the many minorities that called the Hill their home, and while Phil had always been a live and let un-live sort, he still hadn t wanted much to do with them. Sue had become a regular customer at the OneStop a couple months after he had started here, but he hadn t known her name then. She had just been another zombie, one that Caleb had found quite annoying, in fact. She had a fondness for Slim Jims but never had quite enough change to buy one. She would come in and try to pay for them with buttons and bits of moldering lint from her pockets. Phil had found Caleb s consternation with her to be funny until it had become obvious that she had a crush on Phil. Then Phil hadn t been amused anymore.
She had started following him around on the occasions where he was out at night without having to work, and when he did work she would come into the store and loiter for long periods of time. It hadn t helped any that, temporarily, she d been imbued with ancient mystical energy and been able to make him aroused on command. But as much as he had wanted to be annoyed at her for all that, it had also piqued his curiosity. The same mystical energy had regenerated her slightly for a time, and although it had been impossible to not think she was a zombie, she at least gained back some of her original appearance and personality. It hadn t been a lot, but it had been enough for him to learn who she was and how she had died. And once he had learned then he had begun to fall in love with her.
Her full name in life had been Susan Emily Buchowski. Born on April 18
th
, 1960, died on the Hill in the summer of 1984. She d been a dancer in life, struggling to make it big in Hollywood. The opportunity had presented itself to appear in a music video by one of the biggest stars of the day, a video that was supposed to feature a large group of dancing zombies. Apparently the dancers in the video hadn t known why they were filming the video so far from Hollywood, but Phil had come to find out that the director had wanted to add some authenticity to the video by adding in actual zombies, and the Hill had been the perfect place for that.
The video eventually went on to be very famous, but it created the myth that zombies could dance. In the real world zombies couldn t dance at all, and they usually got very upset when they were reminded of that fact. Filming a video of dancing zombies only made the real zombies angry.
Most of the dancers had been wiped out in the resulting zombie rampage, with only the singer, the director, and a few of the extras making it off the Hill alive. The few survivors who had been willing to talk to Phil about it had told him they owed their lives to Susan Buchowski. She d been scared, of course, but her courage and quick thinking had saved them. Unfortunately she hadn t been able to make it out alive herself, and in the resulting cover-up she had been buried in a shallow grave in Leechman Park. She d left behind her mother and a brother, but no boyfriend. She d been alone for most of her life.
Putting a real name and story to her had changed how Phil felt about her. As a zombie she was only vaguely aware of her surroundings, and the relationship could sometimes feel one-sided. But in her moments of lucidity he could see in her one remaining rotted eye that her feelings for him were becoming just as deep as his. That didn t make this all less complicated, though.
In his duffel bag under the counter tonight Phil had brought along a couple of old and worn books he d borrowed from a local pimp-slash-necromancer. It was his hope that he could find something in them that could recreate Sue s ability to speak. And from there, well, maybe it was too much to hope right now that he could bring her back to life, but he could at least try to somewhat restore her. That could be his gift to her.
But she probably wouldn t be in yet for about an hour. He had to focus on his work for now, as pointless as it might seem. And that meant training the newbie.
Hey, Lucas, he said as he put down his clipboard. Come over here. There s a few things I should show you about the register.
But you don t want me to actually you know Lucas gestured at the boogeyman, who was floating back to the register with him arms full of bags of sour candy. You can t honestly expect me to erm
He s a customer, Phil said. Just serve him already.
Lucas didn t do as he was asked. Instead he just stayed in his corner, staring in horror at the boogeyman as it laid its purchases on the counter. Phil sighed as he began ringing up the candy himself. He could tell that this was not going to be a good night.

Chapter 7

Gloria s fingers ran down the row of records on Caleb s makeshift cinder-block-and-board shelves, selecting one at random again and pulling it out.

Houses of the Holy
, she said. Pristine condition. I ve got to say, I never took you for a vinyl sort of guy.

They sound better than CDs and MP3s, Caleb said, only partially paying attention to her. And they have more personality.

You ve got hundreds of them, Gloria said as she put the record back. She pulled another and looked at it, Iron Maiden s
Seventh Son of a Seventh Son
. Although there s no accounting for taste, I guess.

Caleb ignored the barb and continued to look around the main room of his studio apartment. He would rather Gloria help him look to see if anything was missing, but it wasn t like she would know if anything was gone anyway. Besides, if he were in her position he would have gone right for the records, too.

The strange thing was that, other than the door, the apartment looked just fine. He didn t have much in his main room to begin with, just a bed, a couch, an entertainment center, and his record collection. His television was decent and his game systems were the best available, and a few of the records could probably fetch great prices on Ebay. But none of it was missing or damaged.

I m missing something here, Caleb said. This isn t right, and as soon as I figure it out I m going to hit myself really hard for not getting it

sooner.
Can I do it? Gloria asked. She snorted when
Caleb glared at her, then put the record back. Okay,
sorry. Seriously, you re right. Something fishy why
is your apartment the only one with a broken door? Yeah, I know. If it were a random burglary
then whoever did it would have done it to others as
well.
So they had to be targeting you specifically.
Gloria pulled out her cigarettes and tapped one out of
the pack. She looked for a moment like she was
going to light it up, to which Caleb would have had to
object, but instead she just pushed her hair aside and
stuck the cigarette behind her ear. Are you really
sure nothing is missing?
As far as I can tell, Caleb said. Why would
some petty crook target me? I m just a freaking
convenience store clerk.
A convenience store clerk who routinely kills
monsters and prevents the end of the world.
Caleb s eyes went wide. It was easy for him to
forget sometimes. He was surrounded by crazy
things all the time, and it had jaded him. He forgot
that others might not share his view that his life was
boring. He also tended to forget that some of the
souvenirs he picked up during his shifts might be
something more to other people.
Oh fuck me, Caleb said.
What? Gloria asked. What is it?
He didn t answer. He just ran to the bathroom
and threw open the door.
It was empty. All the items he had kept on the
walls and shelves were gone. Whoever had taken it
all hadn t missed a thing.
Oh shit, Caleb said. Shit shit shit shit! Gloria came up behind him and stared at the
empty space, but she still didn t sound too worried. I don t get it. What s missing?
This is where I kept all the artifacts left over
from my shifts. Everything. All that stuff that s left
over when beasties try to take over or destroy the
world.
You kept them in the bathroom? Gloria said,
then the import of what he said truly hit her. Oh
holy crap. This is where you kept everything? Caleb began searching the shelves, looking for
anything that the thieves might have missed, but
they had been very thorough. Everything.
What all did you have? Gloria said. Her voice
had grown quiet, and she took the cigarette from
behind her ear and began to fiddle with it.
Most of the stuff you remember from when you
worked at the OneStop, plus a handful of other things
I ve picked up since. The Osterhaggis Key, the
Omega Sword, the Dread Dishrag of Dooraana, the
Flute of All Flesh, a bunch of other things. Even
Caleb opened the lid of his toilet tank and found it
empty as well. They even got Rubik s Ultimate
Cube.
Oh shit. You had Rubik s Ultimate Cube? The
worry disappeared from her face long enough to look
somewhat confused. And you kept it in you toilet
tank?
Well I sure as hell wasn t going to keep it out
in the open where I might be tempted to solve it. Gloria nodded and stared at the empty shelves. We need to call the police. The special unit police, I
mean. They ll want to know that all this stuff is now
suddenly out there.
I can t do that, Caleb said. I wasn t actually
supposed to have any of that stuff to begin with. In
fact, I think merely possessing a few of those things
could be grounds for the death penalty.
Then why did you have them to begin with?
Gloria asked.
Caleb shrugged. It wasn t an easy question to
answer. He wanted to say that he didn t trust the
authorities enough with such things, that he thought
they were much safer in his own hands than in the
possession of a law enforcement division that was inefficient even at its best moments. But in reality it had made him feel important to be their keeper. Gloria herself had pointed out to him once that even with all the world-saving he was forced to do on his job, it wasn t really so hard that a trained monkey couldn t do it. In the end he was still just a convenience store clerk. Keeping all those mystical artifacts had been his way of saying that he really could be important. A small part of him even liked the idea that, if he were a much more terrible person, he could actually do serious damage to the entire world. Keeping these things had been like a
permanent high.
We have to get them back, Caleb said. I m
sure it can t be that hard. Not with the sorts of things
we deal with all the time, right?
Absolutely, Gloria said. We gathered them
all to begin with, we can do it again. Especially since
they re all probably still together. It should be easy
for us, right? Just like old times, except we won t be
getting paid for it.
Totally, Caleb said. At least we won t have
to worry about making sure the floor gets mopped
during Armageddon before the boss comes in. But
he didn t think he sounded very convincing, and
Gloria herself was still nervously fiddling with her
cigarette. Any single item that had been in this
bathroom was enough by itself to cause the end of
the world. All twelve of the artifacts together might
be more than either of them could combat. Out of all
the times Caleb had been faced with the end of
human history, this was the first time he was
seriously worried.

BOOK: New Title 4
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