Noah (30 page)

              Shalan

I had to
stay focused, because it was the only way that I could handle losing Noah. His last message was a constant reminder of how much I wished things could have been different. I’d never set out to have him come into my life and save me from myself, but he had. I hadn’t been lying when I said I’d be forever grateful to him.

The next week went by so slowly. I’d packed and prepared for my big trip way too soon. Since my housing was only temporary, it wasn’t like I was leaving behind anything of value while I was gone. My stay there was only until my album was cut, and then I’d be on my own, making plenty of money to have means to find a place to stay.

On the day that we left for the tour, I felt overwhelmed with guilt about Noah. Even though I knew I couldn’t trust him, a part of me longed to be in his arms again. To be honest, it was the only place I’d ever felt completely safe.

My flight overseas was long, and for the most part I knew nobody that I was traveling with. I found myself having too much time on my hands to think about my life, and all of the decisions that had gotten me to this point.

I knew I was lucky. Who gets a record deal after performing karaoke at a hotel bar? It was insane, but for sure happening to me. As blessed as I felt, I couldn’t have gotten there without the one person I’d written off.

It hurt so much, and I cried until I couldn’t see straight too many times over it.

The only thing left to do was take my emotions and write. It helped me say goodbye to my mother, and it was going to help me get over Noah. After all, how could I have fallen for him so hard so soon? Sure plenty of time had passed, but I was certainly in love, knowing that no man had every gotten to me the way he had.

In the time it took us to fly from New York to England, I’d written two songs. I’d cried through parts of them, and smiled in others. In all of the songs that I’d ever written, I never felt such a pull when I read them over. I knew I’d never be able to sing them, because they were the only thing holding me together, and if I shared them with the world it would make me vulnerable. I’d overcome that part of me, and I was determined to never show it again.

Our time overseas lasted a whole extra month, and none of us knew who to blame for the late notice. Three months is a long time to be away from the only world I’d ever known. During the day we would travel, and at night we would perform, only having a few days of the week for ourselves. Mostly, I traveled with the rest of the backup singers and got to know them. Of course, they wanted to know my story and I refused to open up about it. This is my new life, and Noah, as well as everything else, was my past.

Things started to get better as the days went by, but there was never one that I hadn’t thought about Noah, his family, and their beautiful life that he’d never appreciated.

When our tour was over I was asked to continue after a months rest back in the states. I was over-the-moon excited for the opportunity and accepted without a second of thought.

Once I was home, settled into my apartment, and preparing for my first studio session it all came crashing down on me.

I’d received an email regarding the schedule of the cities that we would be performing in, and one was in Kentucky, near the airport that I’d flown into. Noah hadn’t really told me all of his favorite band names, but I knew he liked country music and wondered if he ever went to concerts. As quick as I had the idea to send him tickets, I shook off the idea knowing that I couldn’t reach out to him. We were over, and as much as a friendship would have made me feel better, I knew I’d always want more.

When I went to my session I sat down with the band and we went over melodies and brakes, practicing how we wanted to do the chorus until we all agreed it was perfect. Shelly had arranged for the music, and while she and her husband sat in the control room, looking down at all of my songs that they’d chosen, I knew this was do or die. I had
to make an impression that would stand out.

We got through our first day with little problems. Five songs were in the bag and the next six were going to be just as easy. I’d practiced them for two months, and it helped that the music had already been added with the lyrics. All I had to do was memorize and make it my own.

On the third and final day Shelly got a call half-way in and asked if we could take a couple minutes to break until she got back. I stood around for a second, whispering the next song chorus to myself. Then I turned around and looked at the band. The box was empty and besides them, who’d heard me sing for the past three days, I was without an audience.

I closed my eyes and started thinking about Noah, and the words to one of my songs just started coming out. With my eyes still closed I heard the band beginning to play, giving me a rhythm to go off of. Every instrument added depth, and even more emotion to my lyrics, until suddenly I started to cry and couldn’t continue. When I opened my eyes Shelly was standing up in the control room staring at me with shocked eyes.

I ran out of the booth as fast as I could making it to the bathroom before I lost it. All of my hidden feelings had come out and attacked me at the very moment I needed to be at my strongest.

Shelly found me leaning against the sink wiping my eyes. “I’m sorry, Shelly. I just-.” She shushed me.

“I’m going to ask you something, Shalan, and you need to be honest with me.”

I shook my head, ready to answer any questions about the breakup I’d told no one about.

“Do you think once you calm down you could sing that song again?”

I was shocked. “What?”

“Those words, that song, it was beautiful. That song needs to be your first single.”

I shook my head. “No. It can’t. There’s no way I could record it.”

“Shalan, honey I can see that song is dear to your heart, but people want to feel that emotion when you sing. Trust me, I deal with this every single day. I get that it’s hard for you, but I’m telling you right now, that is the song.”

When I wasn’t able to answer, Shelly hugged me again and left me to calm down on my own. I couldn’t believe that I’d let them hear the words I’d written Noah. It was such a mistake, but if it could be my first single, if I could make the charts, wasn’t it worth it? Wouldn’t Noah want me to go as far as I could?

It took me a while, but I walked out into the booth with a fresh face and half of a smile. I looked into the control room and gave Shelly a nod. “I’m ready for that song now.”

“Okay guys, that song you were working on, let’s work with that for a while. We need to change when the base comes in at first. I think Shalan should start without music, and then that third line you can come in strong.” Shelly
announced as she winked at me.

This was my chance. Being a backup singer was an amazing opportunity, but this was my dream. I was doing this for my mother, and everyone out there that thought I’d amount to nothing.  It was for my brother, who’d never called me one time since I’d left town. It was for my father, who’d never been one to begin with. Lastly, it was for Noah, who got me to where I was now, even if it was by accident.

It was the hardest performance of my life, especially having to do it over and over again until we had enough recorded to piece it all together.

That night Shelly took me out to dinner to celebrate finishing all twelve tracks in three days. She said that it was rare and I was extremely talented. The feeling was overwhelming, and I broke down a couple times for different reasons. On our way home in the cab we passed the hotel where it all started. My mind went to Noah, and thankfully I was able to contain myself until I got inside of my apartment.

It wasn’t just that I missed him, or our beautiful time we spent together. I think I was just so anxious about my album and my life that I couldn’t take it all coming at me at the same time.

After grabbing a glass of wine, and curling up on the couch I stared at my phone. It had been months since I talked to Noah. For sure he’d moved on and forgotten all about those three last words he’d messaged me. Still, I just wanted to hear his voice. I needed to know he was out there somewhere.

So I called.

He answered on the first ring. “Shalan?”

His voice, that drawl, made me immediately begin to cry harder.

I couldn’t reply. I just hung up the phone without saying anything. I knew he could see it was me calling, but I still hung up anyway.

The phone rang at least ten times after that until I turned it off. I couldn’t talk to him and I knew why. I’d get lost in his voice and do whatever I could to see him. It would be a mistake that I couldn’t risk making.

I had to let him go forever, even if I didn’t know how.

               Noah

I’d come to
grips with things, and kept busy enough that it was now just a dull ache when I thought about her. At night her face was always the last person I pictured, but I was certain I’d never see her again. Shalan was gone, and she was much better off.

Then, after three months I got that late night call. I’d been lying in my bed trying to fall asleep and my phone rang. I could hear her crying, but she wouldn’t speak. After she hung up I tried to call. If she was in trouble I would have found her and been with her in a heartbeat.

I waited days for a call  back, but never got one. Those days turned into weeks and then months.

In that time my cousin and I had gone out a few times on the weekends. She was a good companion, because people just assumed we were a couple. When annoying men or women peaked an interest, we’d talk closer to each other, or I’d put my arm around her, making it look like we were an item. We thought it was funny, and honestly it wasn’t anything we hadn’t done before.

My cousin especially was always a one man kind of woman. When she was in college and came to visit me, I’d always have to pretend she was my girlfriend so guys wouldn’t bother hitting on her.

Bells wasn’t just my plus one though. She was there for me, even more than my mom could be. She was my go-to, who knew every detail about my past. In the months she’d been living with me, I’d confided in her, as she’d done the same to me. In all of my life she’d been that one person that always had my back, and I loved her for it.

Still, Bells could get annoying when I didn’t live my life the way she wanted me to. Often she’d tell me what I was doing wrong, and become so pushy that I had to get away from her.

It had been six months since she’d walked out of my life. I remember it because it was the day that my heart shattered into pieces. My dad had finally come around and decided that it was time to give me more control over the ranch. I’m sure my mom was tired of me moping, but at the same time, I was ready for the challenge.

With him out of the picture for most of the day-to-day jobs, I felt that pent up anger going away. I also realized that the ranch was where I belonged. I knew it like the back of my hand, and my dad had instilled everything he knew in me since I was three years old.

I’d become grateful, and for that our relationship changed.

My mom was just happy that we could be in the same room with each other and talk shop without it becoming a world war.

On that night, exactly six months after my heart had been torn to pieces, and I’d written off women, my dad stopped by my place unannounced. He didn’t knock before he came walking inside.

“What’s up, dad? I have my phone on. You could have called.”

“Your mom sent me. We got some tickets from a friend to see that band your mother likes. You know the one with the guy and girl singer?”

“I don’t pay attention to what she likes.”

“Anyway, we’ve got four. She wants you and Bella to go with us.”

I sat up in the recliner and leaned my elbows on my knees. “Seriously? A concert with you two old folks. It sounds like a terrible time.”

My dad took off his John Deere ball cap and threw it at me. “We ain’t old. Your mother and I can party like you kids any day of the week.”

“What do I have to do to get out of this?” I was willing to do anything.

Bella came walking out of her bedroom. She had ear buds in, and was startled to see my dad in the living room, bent over to pick up his hat. “Hey, uncle Colt. I didn’t know you were here.”

“I came to ask you two to come to a concert with us tonight. It’s that band your aunt likes with the two singers.”

Bella laughed. “Oh my gosh, seriously? The one that sings that song about fishing in the pond with the mosquitos?”

He chuckled. “Yeah.” Turning his attention all to me. “See, she knows.”

“Whatever.” I shook my head.

“Noah, we’re totally going. Come on. Get your butt up and get ready.”

“It starts at eight, so we should leave here in about an hour. I’ll just give you the tickets when we get there. I think your mom stuck them in her purse.” My dad left without waiting to hear me agree to go. I was outnumbered.

“Thanks a lot, cuz.”

“Shut up and get ready. You need a night out. It’s a concert. You used to love going to them.”

I stood up and stretched. “Yeah, without my parents. I won’t even be able to drink a few beers without them givin’ me dirty looks. This night is goin’ to suck. Mark my word.”

“Just get ready. Hey, do you think I should wear my boots? You should wear your cowboy hat.”

I walked into my room ignoring the fact that she was
even trying to dress me. She was worse than a wife.

An hour later my parents were picking us up. My dad was wearing a damn cowboy hat, and my mother was smitten over him already. I knew they were still so in love, but it grossed me out all the same.  My cousin hopped in the truck after me, still trying to slide on her other boot.

The drive there consisted of Bella and my mother going over the lyrics to every song that this band sang. By the time we pulled into a parking spot I even knew them. My dad was quiet when we walked up to the gates. My mom handed the person our tickets and he let us all in, after stamping our hands and giving us backstage lanyards.

The night couldn’t get any worse. Not only were they dragging me to a concert with them, but I had to watch my mom and Bells fan-girl over some band afterwards.

Front row. How could my dad have not mentioned that the tickets were at the very front against the stage? The sold out crowd left for little room to stand straight, and my mother and cousin jumping up and down with excitement made the atmosphere even more unbearable.

An announcer finally came onto the stage when the first opening band was about to come on. Since I had no idea who was performing, I decide it was a good time to grab a couple beers. My dad went with me, eager to get some breathing room himself.

“It’s crowded,” he said once we got in line.

“Yeah. Why’d I let you talk me into this.”

“You’ll have a good time, Noah. Just get a beer and ignore your mom. She doesn’t get out much like this. I think having you here means a lot to her.”

He was right, and I knew I needed to stop complaining. I had my family and my health. I’d been in a six month rut and needed to wake up and realize that the only person in control of my future was myself.

I looked around the lines of people to see if I spotted any single females. It was time to get my game back on, even if I had to push myself to do it. Just as my eyes had finished coasting the first line, I heard something over the intercom that froze me in place.

“Thanks for having me here tonight. I’m a little nervous because it’s my first time opening up.” The crowds of people started screaming, and my heart began to beat a million miles a minute. I looked at my dad who was only smiling, as if he knew what I was thinking.

I handed him a twenty and ran back towards our seats. I had to know. I had to see.

“I’m going to start tonight off with a song dear to my heart. It’s my single off of my new album, titled, Broken Love Darlin’.” She looked down at the stage and closed her eyes. “Noah, if you’re out there tonight listening, this is for you.”

In the moment that I saw her standing on that stage the crowds of people surrounding me disappeared. I ran my hands through my hair and thought about jumping up there and having her in my arms again. She was so close to me, and I wondered if she knew I was out in the crowd, hearing her sing again.

She started without any background music.

It’s been six days since I felt your kiss

Sweet bliss.

You gave me nothing but my dreams come true

I owe you.

Your touch keeps on haunting me,

I need your arms again
holding thee.

I’ve tried to let you go,

but there’s just something that keeps on telling me no.

Broken
Love Darlin’.

I wish there was a way to make things right.

I think I’m dying deep inside.

I need those arms to hold me tight.

Broken Love Darlin’.

I can’t ever forget.

It’s my biggest regret.

There’s no future… unless you’re in it.

In front of all those people, my parents and cousin included, I felt my eyes watering up. She was singing her song to me, and my body went numb. Words could not begin to describe what it felt like knowing that the words were written about me. She didn’t owe me, I owed her, for showing me what love felt like.

I stared up at that stage praying to God that she’d find me out of all those faces staring back at her.

It’s been six months since I felt your kiss

Sweet bliss.

Now my dreams are all coming true

I
still owe you.

Your touch
still haunts me,

I need those arms to once more hold
thee.

I’ve
finally let you go,

but there’s just something that keeps on telling me no.

Broken Love Darlin’.

I wish there was a way to make things right.

I think I’ve already died deep inside.

I need you back
to hold me tight.

Broken
Love Darlin’.

I
will never forget.

It’s my biggest regret.

There’s no future… unless you’re in it.

Broken Love Darlin’.

It’s been six years
since I felt that kiss

Sweet bliss.

I thought my dreams had all come true,

But they’re nothing without you
.

Your touch
will always haunt me,

I wish I could feel what your arms felt like to hold
thee.

I’ve
tried so hard to let you go,

but there’s
still something that keeps on telling me no.

Broken
Love Darlin’.

I wish there was a way to make things right.

I think I’m dead deep inside.

I want you back
to hold me tight.

Broken
Love Darlin’.

I
will never forget.

You are my biggest regret.

I don’t want a future… unless you’re in it.

It’s my Broken Love Darlin’.

I Love You, Darlin’.

Finally as the song finished, like she knew where I was all along, her eyes met mine. Her smiled never wavered as she went into the next tune, but her eyes never left mine.

Bella grabbed my arm and started shaking me. “Noah, can you believe it? I think your parents knew. They watched you that whole time. Oh my god this is crazy. She’s freaking on stage singin’ to you. TO YOU! Holy shit!”

I heard my cousin, but I couldn’t respond. My heart was so full that I didn’t want to move. Life stood still.