Odin Blew Up My TV! (5 page)

Greg, Susie and Lewis fell back as the monk stumbled towards them like a monster from a horror film.

“Loki’s brought it to life!” cried Susie.

“Run before it gets us!” said Greg.

Just as they all turned to flee, a voice called out, “Steady on, Elvis, it’s only me!”

Lewis recognised the voice at once and they all stopped. When they turned around they saw the monk throw back his hood to reveal the smiling face and spiky hair of Dave the Lobster.

“Dave!” Lewis exclaimed. “But how…?”

“You know this guy, Lewis?” said Greg.

“He’s Dave,” said Lewis, “Dave, er…”

“Dave the Lobster,” Dave interjected proudly. “Pleased to meet you.”

“Dave’s from the university,” Lewis explained. “He gave a talk to my class.”

“About lobsters,” Dave added, peeling off the monk’s robe to reveal his Rock Lobster t-shirt.

“Dave, this is my brother Greg,” said Lewis. “And this is Susie.”

They all shook hands. “What are you doing here, Dave?” Lewis wondered. “The mist paralysed everybody else.”

Dave shrugged. “When the mist got to me I felt fine, but I saw what happened to the two coppers and decided to play it crafty. I stand there still as a statue so Logan and his pals will ignore me, and eventually they slope off.”

“He means Loki, “Lewis whispered to Greg and Susie.

“That was quick thinking,” Susie complimented Dave.

“You don’t get an article published in Marine Science Monthly without having a few brains,” said Dave. “By the way, it was about the migration patterns of the North Atlantic lobster.”

“That doesn’t explain what you’re doing in the museum,” said Lewis.

“Or why you were dressed up as a monk,” said Greg.

“Oh, right,” said Dave the Lobster. “Well, once the mist clears, I see that everyone is frozen. It looks like Logan and his pals are taking over the town, and they’ve all got swords. I decide I’d better arm up, and the only place I’m likely to find a sword is here, at the museum.”

“It makes sense,” said Susie. “I wish I had my hockey stick.”

“It’s too bad there aren’t any swords or daggers here,” grumped Greg.

“When I hear you coming,” Dave resumed, “I think it might be Logan. There’s no place to hide, then I bumped into this dummy monk. Right, I think, I’ll have his
clobber, ditch him behind that display case and take his place. So, you here looking for swords as well, eh?”

“Something like that,” said Greg.

“Well, we’re no further forward, are we?” Lewis complained. “What’s going to happen when Mum and Dad get back from Dunfermline? Are they going to fall into a gigantic hole in the ground where St Andrews used to be?”

“Maybe there’ll be some kind of dimensional barrier that nobody can get past,” Susie suggested.

“Never mind about that just now,” said Greg. “The point is that Loki’s stolen our town and he’s not getting away with it. We’re on a mission from Odin and nothing is going to stop us.”

“I’d feel a bit more unstoppable if I knew what the mission was,” said Lewis.

“Well, the first step,” said Susie, “is to find out what Loki’s up to and then think of a way to trip him up.”

“Good plan,” said Greg. “Messing things up for Loki is what we do best.”

“Look, I’m totally with you on this whole plan thing,” Dave the Lobster put in, “but can somebody please explain what’s going on? For a start, who is this Edwin guy you keep talking about?”

“That’s
Odin
,” Greg corrected him.

He was about to say more when Lewis dug him in the ribs and signalled for quiet. “There’s somebody coming up the stairs,” he whispered.

They all shrank back into the shadows and crouched there. Lewis could hear the stairs creaking beneath two pairs of footsteps. He held his breath as one uniformed figure wearing sunglasses appeared first, then another.

“Hello? Is anybody here?” enquired a female voice.

“It’s okay, it’s the police,” said Lewis, heaving a sigh of relief.

Kenny and Iona stood at the top of the stairs, gazing around the room, their eyes hidden by dark glasses.

Everybody stood up and came out of hiding.

“Oh yeah, they were down at the harbour,” Dave told Greg and Susie.

It did seem odd to Lewis that they should be wearing dark glasses indoors, but Dave stepped forward to greet them. “Good to see you, officers,” he grinned.

“I thought you were both frozen by the mist,” said Lewis.

“Don’t be dim, Elvis,” said Dave. “They must be immune, just like me.”

“Yes, we’re immune,” said Kenny in a flat voice.

“We’re really glad you’re here,” said Susie. “My cousin Gina is a police officer in Glasgow.”

“Yes, she is,” Iona agreed woodenly.

It worried Lewis that the two police officers didn’t sound like themselves. He stared at them, trying to see their eyes, but all that showed in the dark lenses was a reflection of the room and its eerily flickering lights.

“You must come with us,” Iona instructed.

“To a place of safety,” Kenny added.

“What about Loki and his guard dogs?” asked Greg.

“And that giant bird?” said Lewis.

“The emergency services have taken control,” said Iona.

“Yes, everything is under control,” Kenny agreed. “Now follow us.”

Without another word the two police officers turned and headed back down the stairs.

“Well, that’s a relief,” said Dave the Lobster, as he and the three youngsters followed. “I hope they’ve got some grub at this emergency station. I’m famished. Did you know lobsters have two stomachs? Just think how hungry they must get.”

There was a white van waiting outside the museum entrance. Kenny opened the back door and waved them inside.

“You will be safe in there,” Iona assured them.

The four of them climbed inside and sat down on small benches that ran up both sides. Kenny slammed the door shut and they heard it clunk.

“Did they just lock us in?” Lewis asked.

“Relax, Lewis,” said Greg. “It’s probably just a safety precaution.”

The two police officers climbed in the front where only the backs of their heads were visible through a tiny grille. The engine started up and the van moved up the narrow
road through the park and into the street.

“Well, I’m glad all that nuttiness is over,” said Dave the Lobster. “You know what? I’ll bet it was just a hallucination, like the weird dreams you have when you eat too much Swiss cheese before bed.”

“What’s cheese got to do with it?” asked Greg.

“That’s just an example,” said Dave. “Probably there’s been a chemical spill at sea, and the wind’s blown the fumes into the town, which made our minds play tricks on us.”

“Dave, it’s not a hallucination,” Lewis began. He wasn’t sure how well the marine biologist would get his head around the truth, but he felt he had to try. “The fact is, that guy Loki, he’s a Norse god, the god of magic.”

“And of being a pain in the neck,” Greg added.

“He’s been in St Andrews before, using his magic to cause trouble,” said Lewis. “This time he’s magically transported the whole town to Vanaheim, the land of the gods. That’s why things have become so weird.”

Dave the Lobster gave him a quizzical look. “Elvis, are you sure you’re not still hallucinating?”

“Look, lobster man,” Greg put in impatiently, “we’ve run into Loki before, and travelled to Asgard, and met Thor and…” His voice petered out as he realised Dave was staring at him like he was speaking Japanese.

“Let me explain it,” said Susie. “Look, Dave, Loki is an alien using advanced technology to perform amazing feats.”

“Technology,” Dave repeated. “Right, I’m with you now.”

“He’s teleported St Andrews into an alternate dimension where the physical laws are different and evolution has followed a path that’s created unusual creatures like the wolves and the giant hawk.”

“Alternate dimension,” said Dave, nodding. “Okay.”

“Everything in this dimension is powered by a field of cosmic energy,” Susie continued, “which has been causing the flickering lights and other effects.”

Dave nodded knowingly and turned to Greg who was seated beside him. “Say, Gary, your girlfriend is a bit of a science whizz, eh?”

“No, she just watches a lot of science fiction,” said Greg. “And by the way, she is
not
my girlfriend.”

Susie stifled a snort of laughter.

Lewis peered out the small, grimy window at the back of the van trying to make out where they were going. Progress was slow as the police officers manoeuvred around all the cars that had stalled in the middle of the road when the mist rolled in.

“I’ve been wondering,” Susie said to Dave, “why didn’t the mist freeze you like everybody else?”

Dave the Lobster shrugged. “I suppose I’m just immune, like the three of you.”

“We’re not immune,” said Greg. “We’re protected by these gold rings.” He extended his hand to show Dave the
ring he was wearing.

Dave let out a low whistle. “Pretty flash,” he said.

“But you’re not wearing a ring,” Lewis pointed out.

“Hmm, that’s right, Elvis,” said Dave. He lapsed into thought for several seconds. Then a big smile spread over his face. “I see now. I may not have one of those rings, but I’ve got something just as snazzy.” He patted the front of his t-shirt.

“A picture of a lobster wouldn’t protect you,” said Susie.

“No matter how much you like them,” Lewis added.

“No, no, listen,” said Dave. “My girlfriend Inga, she’s from Denmark, right? So when she had to go home a few months back we sort of got engaged. I gave her my lobster-claw necklace to wear and she gave me this.”

He pulled out an object that was hanging by a chain around his neck. It was a piece of crystal in the shape of an upside-down ‘T’ with a streak of gold running through it.

“She said it belonged to her gran,” Dave continued. “It’s been in the family for hundreds of years.”

“It looks dead old,” said Susie.

Lewis peered closely. “And that bit of gold inside it looks the same as what our rings are made of – Asgardian gold.”

“That’s a stroke of luck, eh?” said Dave. “Asgardian? Does that mean it comes from South Africa?”

“No, Dave,” said Greg. “It comes from a lot further away than that.”

“That ‘T’ shape is the symbol of Thor, the god of
thunder,” said Lewis. “I’ll bet he gave it as a present to one of your girlfriend’s ancestors centuries ago.”

“Wow! Cool!” said Dave.

“That still doesn’t account for our two friends in blue,” said Greg. “It’s not very likely that they’ve got Asgardian gold on them as well.”

“No, it’s not as if you can pick it up at a car boot sale,” said Susie.

“There’s something strange about them,” said Lewis. “It’s like they’re not the same people they were before.”

“You’re right,” Dave chipped in. “They’re kind of stiff, you know, like plastic models come to life.”

“And what’s this safe place they were talking about?” Greg wondered. “If we’re in the middle of Vanaheim, where are we going to be safe?”

At that moment the van slowed to a halt.

“Where are we?” Greg asked.

“It’s hard to see much through this mucky window,” said Lewis, “but I think we’re outside the town hall.”

“I suppose that’s an obvious place for the emergency services to set up,” said Dave.

Kenny and Iona got out of the van, walked round to the back and opened the door. The four passengers clambered out and found themselves surrounded by half a dozen wolflings with their swords drawn.

“Hey, what’s the game here?” Greg demanded.

The two police officers pulled off their sunglasses. Underneath, their eyes were glazed, as though they’d been hypnotised. They spoke in unison like a pair of machines: “Lord Loki has summoned you.”

They pointed to the open doorway of the town hall. The wolflings prodded the prisoners with the points of their swords, driving them inside.

Inside the town hall the lights were playing the same tricks as elsewhere, shifting abruptly through every colour in the rainbow. The four prisoners were herded into a large room off to the right of the entrance hall. Lewis remembered coming here to see a display of model railways a few months ago. The room looked very different now.

Nailed to the walls, seemingly at random, were a round wooden shield, the front bumper from a sports car, a set of antlers, a motorcycle helmet and a metal sign that read ‘ROAD WORKS’.

Tables and chairs had been pushed to the sides to form an aisle leading to where Loki was trying his best to look kingly. He was seated on a large wooden chair that had been carelessly daubed with gold paint. Behind him hung two threadbare Scottish flags. A symbol of two snakes biting each other’s tails had been clumsily painted on the space between the flags. Lewis recognised it as Loki’s personal symbol, though it was so crudely done it might have been a pair of rubber hoses chasing each other.

Off to Loki’s left on a small wooden table sat a crystal
the size of an Easter egg. The flickering lights reflected eerily from its polished facets.

“Logan, good to see you!” Dave the Lobster exclaimed. “I see you’ve done the place up a bit.”

Loki frowned at the makeshift decorations, then at his wolfling guards. “I told these dumb-bells to find war trophies, a few banners or serpents’ heads, to turn the place into a throne room,” he grumbled, “and this is what they came up with.” He squirmed uncomfortably in his chair. “Isn’t there even one decent throne in this town?” he complained. Abruptly he shot to his feet, knocking the chair back against the wall. “Was this really the best you could do?” he demanded of his guards.

The wolflings’ ears drooped unhappily.

“Not much for interior design, are they?” said Greg.

“No, but it seems they’re really good at
chasing cats,
” spat Loki accusingly.

The wolflings threw back their heads and howled miserably. Loki made a chopping motion with his hand to silence them.

“Is that why you sent the police to get us this time?” said Lewis.

“Yes, what have you done to Kenny and Iona?” Susie demanded.

Loki smirked. “I put them under my control.”

“You won’t find it so easy to control our minds,” Greg warned him belligerently.

“Kid, a screwy mind like yours you can keep to yourself,” said Loki, making a ‘hands off’ gesture.

“How did you know where to find us?” Susie asked.

“Those rings Odin gave you may protect you against certain kinds of enchanment,” Loki answered, “but whenever they’re activated, they’re a dead giveaway to anybody with a sense of magic.”

“Like you, you mean,” said Lewis.

“Right on, shorty,” Loki responded smugly.

Suddenly the lights gave off an azure flash that made them all jump.

“I really wish the lights would stop goofing around,” said Loki through gritted teeth.

“You need a good electrician,” said Susie. “You should call my Uncle Pete.”

“I’ll let you know when I want help from your Uncle Pete!” Loki snapped.

Greg casually folded his arms. “So is this the bit where you tell us how you’re going to rule the whole universe?”

“There won’t be any universe to rule if
he
gets his hands on it,” Loki answered grimly.

“Who are you talking about?” asked Lewis.

“Kid, remember down at the harbour when we were talking over old times?” said Loki.

“Like when Odin kicked you down a deep dark hole,” said Susie.

“That deep dark hole has a name, toots,” said Loki. “It’s called the Ginnungagap.”

“Don’t call me toots!” Susie warned.

“Anyway,” Lewis interrupted, “you told me you weren’t down that black hole alone.”

“Too true,” Loki confirmed. “
He
was there – Ymir.”

Lewis was surprised to see him shudder.

“Who’s this Emir, Logan?” asked Dave the Lobster. “A pal of yours?”

“Ymir is nobody’s pal,” said Loki. “He was the original ice giant, so huge he could use Mount Everest for a toothpick, so evil he could dim the sun just by looking at it.”

“Are you saying he’s a bigger creep than you?” said Greg.

“Kid, compared to Ymir, I’m a fluffy pink bunny dishing out lollipops and candy,” said Loki. “Thousands of years ago, after an epic battle, Odin beat Ymir and pitched him down into the depths of the Ginnungagap. Everybody thought he was dead.”

“You’re telling us they were wrong?” said Susie.

Loki nodded. It was hard to tell in the weird light, but his face seemed to have turned pale. “You know what it’s like when you’re all alone in a dark room then you hear somebody breathing behind you? That’s what it was like for me when I realised I wasn’t the only one in the pit.”

“I’m guessing this Emir wasn’t interested in passing the time with a few rounds of snap,” said Dave the Lobster.

“He was mad,” said Loki. “Real mad. Even before he was tossed into the pit, he wasn’t exactly big on laughs. But after all the millennia he’s spent down there, he hates everyone and everything.”

“Sounds grim,” said Lewis. For the first time ever he actually felt sorry for Loki.

“Grim doesn’t even come close,” said Loki. “Just imagine being trapped in a pitch-black void with the most powerful, the most evil giant who ever existed. I’ll be having bad dreams for a long, long time.”

“If this powerful giant couldn’t escape from the Ginnungagap, how did you get out?” Lewis asked.

“Ymir has lots of power, but he’s big,” Loki explained, “so big that he can’t haul himself out of the pit without help. His first thought when he found me was that he could entertain himself by taking a really long time to kill me. Luckily I persuaded him that I had a better idea: if he helped me escape, then once I was out, I would spring him as well. After we’d made a deal with lots of oaths and stuff, he shot me out of there like firing me out of a pea-shooter.”

“But you must have known Odin would find out you were back,” said Susie.

“Then it would be back to happy times in the dark with your new BFF,” said Greg.

“Yeah, I knew that,” said Loki. “That’s why I had to get rid of Odin and the rest before doing anything else. No
way was I going to let them send me back there.”

“Hang on,” said Lewis. “Even when you had all your godly power, you could never pull off anything as big as moving the whole of St Andrews into another world.”

“Ymir gave me a little gift, which I was supposed to use to haul him up out of the Ginnungagap,” said Loki, indicating the crystal on the table to his left. “It’s a shard from Ymir’s icy heart. Down in the void it can’t do anything, but out here in the real world it lets me tap into a primal magic from the beginning of the universe.”

“That’s the crystal you pulled out at the harbour,” said Lewis, “but it’s a lot bigger now.”

“Yeah, it keeps growing,” said Loki. He frowned at the crystal and rubbed his beard nervously. “And it’s getting harder and harder to control.” He wrenched his gaze away from the shard. “Anyway, instead of using it to bring Ymir back into the universe, I used it to shift your little town off the Earth and drop it in Vanaheim, knocking Asgard right out of this world.”

“Why St Andrews?” Susie wondered. “Why not some place else, like Bathgate or Irvine?”

“The spell only works on a place that’s already charged with magic,” said Loki, “like your little town.”

“Yes, because of all the enchantments you’ve cast here before,” Lewis surmised.

“Sure,” said Loki. “So now here we are in my new
capital. Such as it is.”

“This is just crazy,” said Greg, “knocking towns and cities around like they were…”

“Billiard balls?” Loki suggested. “I hope the old gang are happy in whatever oblivion they’ve ended up in.”

“So you’re welching on your deal with Ymir?” asked Greg.

“Of course I am!” said Loki emphatically. “If that big lug ever gets loose he’ll kill every living thing in the universe, starting with me.”

“So what is it you want from us?” Lewis asked.

“I’m going to need a bit of help getting that shard back under control,” said Loki, casting an uneasy eye over the crystal.

“You’ll not get any help from us, you sleaze,” Susie told him.

“All I need from you, sporty girl, is those rings you’re wearing,” said Loki.

Susie took up a fighting pose. “Just you try and take them.”

“They were a gift from Odin to
us
,” said Lewis. “If you try to use them, they’ll probably blow up in your face.”

“It would be just like him to pull a dirty trick like that!” Loki growled. He launched into a lengthy list of grievances against Odin that had accumulated over the past two thousand years.

While Loki was busy complaining, Greg sidled closer
to Dave the Lobster. Out of the side of his mouth he said, “Right, Dave, while he’s distracted, you watch my back and I’ll make a grab for that rock.”

“Careful there, Gary,” Dave warned. “That thing looks as dangerous as a poisonous anemone.”

“Thanks for the tip,” said Greg. Keeping a cautious eye on the wolflings, he edged closer to the crystal. Choosing his moment, he made a dive for it.

As soon as he touched it, beams of cold blue energy blazed from the heart of the stone. Greg was hurled back as though he’d been struck down by an electric shock. As he tumbled across the floor, a golden blaze shone from his Asgardian ring.

Lewis and Susie’s rings flared as well. Dave the Lobster let out a yelp as a golden radiance lit up the amulet under his t-shirt. The wolflings scattered, yelping like startled dogs.

“Stop that yammering and grab those mortals, you stupid hounds!” yelled Loki.

Greg scrambled to his feet as the glow from the rings subsided. Still whimpering, the beast guards surrounded the four prisoners and seized them.

“Enough fooling around,” said Loki, taking a step towards them. “I’ll have those rings now.”

Suddenly the door burst open and a woman in chainmail armour bounded into the room, long blonde hair flying behind her like a banner. She swept her sword from its sheath and cried, “For Odin and Asgard!”