Perfect Princess (8 page)

Contrary to what Mia thinks, I don't mean Princess Ariel the mermaid: I mean Thundarr the Barbarian's friend—or possibly girlfriend. We will probably never know the true status of Ariel and Thundarr's relationship, because this excellent animated series was canceled in its prime. Also I don't believe either Thundarr or Ariel was really all that into labeling their relationship—you know, boyfriend/girlfriend versus just friends. Ariel was too busy traveling around post-apocalyptic Earth in a sparkly unitard, helping Thundarr and his mutant friend Ookla right wrongs done by evil warlords, and Thundarr was… well, too busy being Thundarr.

Ariel wasn't just a princess, either. She was a sorceress, too, who had special magic bracelets that aided her in correcting the deviant behavior of evildoers (too bad the NYPD can't get their hands on a pair of those). The power source for these bracelets has long been a source of debate among fans of the 'toon. However, intensive research (a Thundarr marathon on the Cartoon Network) reveals that the bracelets were most likely powered by some force within Ariel herself. Whether her sorcery was Wiccan in origin or perhaps something she came across while rooting through some old twenty-first-century stuff—an old Tony Robbins video, perhaps—will probably remain a mystery forever… which of course only makes Princess Ariel more compelling. “Ariel! Ookla! Ride!”

 

[Plus, you know, seeing as how a comet had split the moon in half, causing Armageddon back on Earth, Ariel was the last princess on the planet. It was a LOT of responsibility. Props to her for dealing with it so bravely, and for all that running around, even when she had her period and probably wanted to do nothing more than curl up with a copy of Cosmo and a cup of Swiss Miss sugar-free cocoa with mini-marshmallows.]

Mia's Random Act of Princess:

Be like Ariel: Buy a necklace, ring, or bracelet (or use one you already own) as your personal talisman, and wear it every single day. If people ask you why you wear it, look mysterious and don't answer. Soon the object will take on mystical properties and give you power beyond your imagination. Or not.

The Virgin Queen (although if you believe the Cate Blanchett movie made about her, she wasn't as virginal as all that) gave her name to what was arguably the most colorful and magnificent era in English history. It is interesting that a woman whose father, Henry VIII, had his own wife—Elizabeth's mother, Anne Boleyn— beheaded would prove to be such a level-headed and effective leader. One would have thought Elizabeth would at the very least have developed borderline personality disorder or antisocial tendencies, but she managed not to fall into the trap of victimhood and simply grew up with a firm resolve never to marry (who can blame her?).

The Elizabethan Age brought with it not just a renaissance in art and music, but also Sidney, Ralegh, and of course, the Bard himself, William Shakespeare. Not to mention Sir Francis Drake, explorer extraordinaire. England's golden age took place during the latter part of Elizabeth's reign. Sir Francis Bacon was one of the queen's lawyers, and Edmund Spenser wrote “The Fairie Queene” in her honor during this time. Although the queen often hinted she would marry in order to form pacts and allegiances with other countries, she never did, and while some might find the reluctance of one of the most powerful women in the world to marry neurotic, I find her aversion to the matrimonial state understandable, given the example set by her own parents' marriage.

 

Lilly's Random Act of Princess:

Be like Elizabeth I: Write and then perform a one-woman play about yourself and your closest friends. Invite them to see it. Serve refreshments afterward, to ward off any hard feelings.

Queen Elizabeth I was not the only royal with a pronounced Electra complex. Princess Aura, the daughter of Ming the Merciless (better known as Flash Gordon's mortal enemy) spent most of her time—pre-arrival of Flash—in the palace lounging around in sparkly halter tops, trying to get her dad's attention. But when your father is ruler of the entire galaxy, how much quality time, really, can you expect him to spend with his offspring—especially when he has, at last count, over sixty wives?

If you think about it, what happened next was all Ming's fault. If he had just given Aura the unconditional love she so craved, she might never have turned on him. But Ming was so busy thinking up ways to thwart that meddling Earthman Flash Gordon that he didn't notice the rebellion rising up in his own household… not until it was far, far too late. Aura joined forces with Flash and his dashingly handsome friend the Baron (who represented a father figure to her, perhaps????) and took part in the battle that ultimately resulted in Ming's ouster from power and eventual death. Aura herself proved to be a thoughtful and responsible leader, treating all of her father's former subjects with respect—even his wives.

 

Lilly's Random Act of Princess:

Be like Aura: Take your dad or other important male figure in your life to lunch. Let him know how important he is to you. Tell him you will always be there for him. Later that day, ask him if you can borrow ten dollars. If you've played your cards right, it will work! Spend your hard-earned money on candy or cosmetics.

A daughter of John II of England, Isabel I of Spain wasn't going to let any man tell her what to do, particularly her own brother, which, given the fact that she ruled during the 1400s—a time when women throughout the world were pretty much treated as chattel and second-class citizens— was pretty daring. Isabel married who she wanted to— Ferdinand of Portugal, who became king of Aragon—and did what she wanted to with her money—funded Christopher Columbus's trip to what was supposed to be China.

But being ruler of the newly reunited Spain wasn't all fun and paella. Isabel also was at least partly responsible, along with her husband, for one of the most evil institutions in history, the Spanish Inquisition, whereby anybody who wasn't Christian got expelled from her country—including Jews and Muslims—or worse, burned at the stake.

Still, Isabel had her soft side. She was an educated woman who was known as a patron of scholars and artists. And when Christopher Columbus brought to Spain some of the Native Americans he'd captured in the New World, Isabel insisted they be returned to their native land and set free. In her will, she stipulated that the people of the land Columbus had discovered be treated with justice and fairness.

Too bad nobody paid any attention.

 

Lilly's Random Act of Princess:

Be like Isabel: Or, actually—don't. Instead of being like Isabel, shower your enemies with unconditional love. Say “Good morning” to the girls who hate you the most. When they mock you, smile sweetly—but pityingly—at them. Do this enough times and they will become confused and wary of you. It really works!