Release Me (9 page)

Losing him was blue like I’ve never known

Missing him was dark grey all alone

Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met

But loving him was red

Chapter Nine

Tayla

Six Months Ago

I just shut my laptop and directed all calls to my voice-mail when his text came through.

Cal: Guys will be gone by seven. No panties tonight.

I feel a heat spread through my body, the same heat I always feel with his blunt need, but I hate the first part of that message. It says loud and clear that no one is to know about us. Two years now I have been doing this with Cal. Two years of falling in love with him. Two years of orgasmic bliss unlike anything I even knew was possible. Two years of lying to the people I loved most.

Me: Is that an invite for dinner?

I hit send and smirk knowing he won’t read between the lines, but instead get more graphic. I close my office door, lock it and drop out-going mail on my assistant George’s desk. Then my phone chimes a new message.

Cal: The only thing I have to feed you is my cock. Your pussy though is my feast.

See.

Blind as a bat and so fucking dense. I drop hints all the time about us making it official and coming out of the straight closet. In return I get sexy messages where everything I say, everything, is taken as innuendo.

Me: Who needs romance when I have that kind of sweet talk?

His response is almost immediate.

Cal: LOL

Then another message right after.

Cal: Romance isn’t in my vocabulary. Pussy, fucking, cock, blow job, doggy style and sixty-nine. Those are the words I know. Fuck romance, who needs it when I have nine inches of heaven for you anytime you want it?

Yup.

I gave up in general because even if he knew what I was getting at, the amount of time he spent distracting me and avoiding any serious talk was enough to make me stop asking. It was depressing and it gutted me to know he only wanted sex and nothing else. I am the fool who sticks around for the scraps and I do it because I love him and the thought of losing him is harder to handle than the thought that it’s all fake. I’ll deal with it if he ever meets the woman of his dreams. Until then I accept being his booty call.

I am pulled from the memory when Cassa and Carrie are waving in front of my eyes. “Hiya Chicca’s!” I say with way to much enthusiasm and it’s a dead give-away.

“That bad huh?” Carrie asks and gives me a sad smile. I launch into the details of this failed attempt at hearing him out.

“Well, first things first I am so proud of you and your vagina for being able to walk away.”

I laugh but it’s a frustrated laugh. “My ‘V’ is going to go on strike soon.” I say and squirm in my jeans. Just the memory of his fingers inside me last night puts me on edge.

“So you got as far as the secretive shit and that’s a start baby doll. Don’t get defeated. Stick to your guns when it comes to getting what you want. You got him in the right direction last night. Those texts he sent you at the bar were hot in the non-Cal pervert way. The way he was with you at his house… I don’t know but it sounds like he is realizing exactly what’s going on.”

Carrie is such a cheerleader when it comes to those she loves. She wants nothing more than to see everyone happy.

“By reminding me what an easy target I was?” I say with slight humiliation.

“Yes. Some of what he said is valid Tay. You went to him willingly. You may have been in love with him but you also went because you liked what he was giving you. I’m sorry Tay but you are not the type of woman to let a guy walk on you. If you weren’t enjoying every second with him you would have made sure he knew it.”

I am reminded of my thoughts just seconds before they got here. I knew that if he told me I was just a piece of ass for when he was bored, I would have skinned his balls and made jerky out of them. The truth is though; I like his filthy mouth back then and even now. I may have hated being the secret or the fact I was a foregone conclusion but either way I egged him on with my texts and he always delivered how I knew he would.

“I know it doesn’t sound romantic, but it is. He is making everything personal. Eating my pussy he makes it sound like he’s writing me a sonnet. Jealousy over Sam? He acts like I have always been his and Sam is kidnapping me. He tells me that a kiss meant everything including his biggest fear and he tells me in a promise of redemption. He is giving me everything I want and I am so scared he will stop.”

“Honey you killed him when he played that song. You have to remember this is Cal. He isn’t romantic or deep or mushy unless it’s rare and he can't control it. So coming from him, this whole thing is overboard.” Cassa says and I can see in her eyes that she is rooting for Cal.

“He may have been scared playing that song and then sad by my reaction, but it isn’t fair for him to assume I’ll roll over because he said he was sorry, wrong and horny.” I take a deep breath as we walk into Talon a clothing store for children that sell a lot of the edgier baby clothes, the sort of clothes the child of a rocker would wear. “It isn’t like he stated anything last night. He didn’t tell me a fucking thing. Instead he marked his territory like a fucking dog and then went to sulk. Is it too much to ask for a group acknowledgment that he likes me? Or to ask me on a date? Why does he have to be so damn aggravating?”

“Give him a break Tay. A small one. I have faith in Cal to figure this out. Think of when I was in the hospital. It sent him over the deep end for a minute to see me hurting. Did you know that until Shamus was in the picture full time and drama free, Cal called me every day to see how I was and made sure I didn’t want for anything?” Cassa says passionately.

I am stunned by her words. Stunned. The Cal I know of course worried and loved her like a sister, but to be involved meant caring for something more than TAT and success. It stumped me. “No, I didn’t know that.”

“Yep.” Carrie says and I can tell she is pushing me at something but I don’t know what. “He yelled at me once too. I had gone to Seattle, the same show that you were at when they finished the tour with Sinners of the Slipstream?” She asks and I nod remembering the show and knowing Cal remembers me at that concert.

“Yes. I remember.” I say but my voice is soft, half locked in a memory.

“Yeah I showed up to pour my heart out to Chad and fall to my knees and ask forgiveness. The minute Cal saw me he flipped, accusing me of hurting Chad so deeply that he actually called me toxic. And Jerry James funeral when he spoke.”

I recall the funeral and Cal’s speech honoring Jerry and giving Shamus a gift from Jerry he never knew he was missing. “I knew I was in love with Cal the night of the funeral. Seeing him talk at the funeral had melted me. After
everyone had left Cal and Shame had stayed a little longer and Cal came clean to Shamus about us. He was nonchalant about it but I saw it as hope that he would tell everyone. Clearly that didn’t happen but like usual I sucked it up.”

We sit in silence looking at really cute skinny jeans for little boys, lost in our own thoughts when Carrie breaks the silence.

“None of us give him enough credit do we? I mean when it counts. He is always putting everyone else first; even over his own life he puts your career and TAT as a whole first.” Carrie sounds just as guilty as I feel once that revelation is out in the air. 

“No we don’t. I never took a minute to see the soft side. I focus on the arrogance and the bullshit, completely overlooking his heart and soul.” I feel the tears spill from my eyes and I am so defeated.

“I am willing to bet Cal likes that he flies under the radar. Now that I look at his soft side as you put it, I think when he does come around and sweeps you off your feet; I think he’ll blow all the guys away.” Cassa says and takes a pair of the little boy’s skinny jeans from the rack, one in every color in size 2T?

“And if he doesn’t?” I ask knowing how possible it is that he will always be distant no matter how easy we all make it for him.

“It isn’t okay what he has done to you over the last three years Tay and no amount of awesome takes away what he has done. All I am saying is that keep in mind he is deeper than we all think. I don’t think he will ever be able to sit back and watch you walk away. I believe what he told you. I believe he is going to win you back, it’s just a puzzle trying to figure out what the hell he’ll do next.”

“Time will tell.” I say and those are heavy words and hold so much weight.  “What’s the deal with all the boy clothes? Are we now dressing our princess as a Prince?” I ask with humor, but the uncomfortable silence they give me has my body covered in the heebs. “Wait, seriously are you?” I can only ever see Noelle in frilly pink dresses and girly girl. This...is news to me. Before they can explain another more deafening case of the heebs encompasses me.

“Oh fuck, we need to go now.” I say and gather the boy clothes they were stock piling and throw them on the rack. Just no more than fifty feet away from me and fully aware of who I am being the purpose she is here I want to crawl under a rock.

“What’s up?” Cassa and Carrie ask as I turn my back realizing I am not dodging Jenny Pope, the craziest most infamous fangirl I have ever met in my entire life. It wasn’t unheard of that this crazy local girl would follow my TAT guys as they toured the US, but along the way she popped into a bunch of other bands busses. Jenny Pope is my biggest pain in the ass, but one that almost all the bands I represent have had their fun with. Jenny is the VIP of the fangirl population. And she makes me sick.

I had on more occasions than I’d ever like to remember, taken the cue from the man I love to give her the backstage pass to come party. Better yet, I had seen enough between her and Cal to ruin me, let alone the nasty she got into with Shame (before Cassa) and Noah as well.

“It’s this crazy fangirl that is relentless. She’s always looking for an easy in to the lifestyle. She’s from Gig.” I say and I direct my eyes at Jenny as she calls my name. “Her name is Jenny Pope, do you know her?” I ask and I watch as my besties lose all color from their face and Carrie looks like she may vomit.

“That’s Jenny Pope?” Cassa says, and I assume she knows that Shame had used Jenny to curb the loneliness in the past.

“Yeah, ugh she drives me fucking nuts.” I say just seconds before I put my game face on and spin to intercept Jenny. The last thing I want is Cassa being hurt because of this snipe of a woman. “Jenny, hello.” I say and hold my hand out.

I am always the face of PR for my bands, not just TAT. I haven’t seen her in a while but that could mean she had a long run with someone. Regardless I keep my expression polite and interested. “How are you?”

“Fucking livid that’s how.” She says and smears at Carrie and Cassa who are behind me, still completely shocked. I finally see Cassa with shaking hands grab her phone and start texting. Fuck this is going to get ugly fast.

“Well what seems to be the problem?” I ask and grasp her by the elbow gently trying to steer her away from Carrie and Cassa.

“That son of a bitch thinks he has a say in our son’s future he is dead fucking wrong!” She spits the words through clinched teeth and I am racking my brain trying to think what guy knocked her up and when. “All I want is to get paid for the last two years I have been on my own and he is demanding that I sign my rights away?”

Completely stumped on what the fuck she is talking about, I want to ask but Cassa intervened with just as much disdain for Jenny that Jenny has for the nameless father of her child.

“How dare you come here and start mouthing off a bunch of nonsense Jenny.”
 

“Fuck you Cassa nobody asked your opinion.” Jenny snips back. My heart sinks because Shame must be the father. How Cassa can look at this woman is beyond me. The fact I know nothing will blow up on Cassa and Shamus after I get Jenny out of here.

“Whatever is going on here, and trust me,” I say and pin my stare on Cassa, “I will get to the bottom of it, but this is a children’s clothing store, you are both making a scene. Jenny, go home and once I have every fact about this entire thing I will sit down with you, Shamus and Cassa and we will come to an agreement.” I go to nudge her out the door when I hear Carrie whisper an “oh fuck.”

“Fuck Cassa and Shame, this doesn’t concern them. This is between me and Cal and no one else. I don’t fucking care if Cal and Shame are close. Axe is our kid and it will stay that way.”
 

I can’t breathe. I am standing in a public store, a crowd has gathered, I am with wives of one of my bands and the mother to the child of the man I desperately love. “What?” I whisper and choke on the humiliation of the moment.

“You fucking bitch.” Cassa spits and steps toward Jenny. “You better run far and fast Jenny. You will never see Axe again. We all know you want money and you can go suck more cock to get it, Axe isn’t for sell and he never was. If you think you will ever see that sweet boy again you are as crazy as you are cheap.” Cassa is seething in fury, and I will look back on this and know why this woman pisses her off, but right now I watch stunned as little Cassa Rae James steps up into Jenny Pope’s face and stands nose to nose. “Women like you make me sick. Cal will do everything in his power to protect him, as will I and the rest of us. No amount of used up nasty trashed pussy will change that but I cannot wait to watch you land firmly on your back like usual.”