RISK (25 page)

Nolan

It's the best fucking mirage I've ever seen. Technically, it's the only one I've ever seen. It's also the only one I ever want to see. Ellie Madden is standing next to Jersey on the corner of Fifty Second and Broadway in the same spot I met Kip.

They were talking like they were old friends until Ellie looked my way and saw my face. She has to see everything I'm feeling in my expression. She must know that I regret every single thing that's happened since I walked into that candy store.

I went to see Liam. I called him after I got his number from his brother, and he invited me to his office. The office where he sits with people who've lost those that they love. He counsels them and helps them deal with their sorrow.

That's why she was there at the candy store with him. She was trying to cope. She wanted this year to be different so that she wouldn’t feel the breath-stealing pain that she feels every year on her sister's birthday.

Liam didn't tell me shit about any of this. He couldn't. He explained about confidentiality and friendship.

I had to piece it together myself based on what Tad told me and that sadness that's always there in Ellie's eyes. I spent the weekend uncovering every detail I could about the day that Ellie's sister died. I read the newspaper clippings about the shooting and then I called in a favor from the anchor at one of the local news stations and he found the archived footage of the news report from that day. I viewed it two hours ago. I watched it six times. I still can't believe my eyes.

"Look who I found," Jersey calls to May and I as we approach. "I found a beautiful girl that I met in Las Vegas standing on this corner waiting to cross on the light."

"You should never cross unless it's safe," May says as she breaks free of my grasp to run toward Jersey and Ellie.

She loves that old man as if he was her great-grandfather. I pray that doesn't change when his family expands. I doubt that their bond will break. He loves May as much as my grandfather would have.

May breezes right past him and jumps at Ellie, the top hat she's wearing flies off in the light wind. She wraps her arms around Ellie's legs, nestling her face against her stomach. "I missed you, Ellie. I thought you'd come back for more pancakes."

'I'm sorry that I haven't, May." She bites her bottom lip. "I'm sorry."

Any apologies need to leave my mouth, not hers. I'm the one who has to grovel and beg this beautiful woman to give me another chance. "It's good to see you, Ellie."

"You too, Nolan," she responds quietly.

Jersey clears his throat as he scoops up May's hat. "It's a small world, isn't it, Rigs?"

Startled, I feel panic washing through me. I look at Ellie. I wait for any recognition, anything.

"I've never been here before." May turns in a complete circle, her eyes cast above, soaking in the buildings, the sounds, and all the people milling about around us. "Daddy, why don't we come here? Look at everything."

Ellie kneels down. She takes May's little hands in her own. "May B, today I learned something very special about this spot."

"May B?" May giggles. "Oh, Ellie. I like that. Call me May B again."

"May B," Ellie begins again, her voice giving way to emotion. "Many years ago, before you were born, my sister, Kip, met a very special boy on this corner."

No. Fuck no. Ellie's sister is Kip? She was Kip?

I start to cry. I don't fucking know how not to.

"Daddy?" May reaches for my hand. "Why are you crying?"

"This spot is magical." Ellie taps her toes on the pavement, drawing May's attention back to her. "Your daddy can feel it. I can too."

May closes her eyes tight, her brow furrowing. "I think I feel it too."

"It's in here." Ellie taps the middle of her own chest. "If you stand very still you can feel the magic, can't you?"

"I feel it." May smiles as her fingers trail over Ellie's cheek. "You're crying too, Ellie. You feel the same thing that my daddy does?"

Ellie shifts her focus to me. Her eyes lock with mine. "I feel everything your daddy does. Everything he feels for me, I feel right back."

I crouch too, wrapping my arms around May and grabbing hold of Ellie's forearms. "There's more to the story, May. Daddy just learned more about the story this afternoon."

She turns abruptly to face me, her small hands darting to my shoulders. "Tell me. I love this story. I love magic."

"Kip's sister is the bravest person in the world." I try to keep my voice calm, even though everything inside of me is spinning. "She saved a life. She saved the life of a little princess."

"Like a real princess, Daddy?"

Ellie looks into my eyes. I take a deep breath, but it does little good. My pulse is racing, my mind is on full-throttle and my world is complete. This is what love is. All of this. The three of us. Me and Ellie and May.

"What was the name of the princess, Daddy?" May turns back to look at Ellie before she cups my cheeks in her palms.

I tilt my head slightly so I can see my beautiful Ellie. My warrior. My hero and the love of my life.

"Princess May. She saved Princess May on the day she was born."

Ellie sobs. She leans forward but I hold her steady. May turns and throws her arms around Ellie's neck. "Don't cry, Ellie. She saved the princess. The magical girl saved a princess in the story. I think the princess is me."

I nod as I cling to them both. I rest my forehead against Ellie's, whispering to her, "She is the princess. You saved May, Ellie. The baby you saved is our May."

Ellie

He pushes his fingers into my hair, holding me still as he kisses me. He kisses me like his life depends on it. I pull back. I have to.

"How is this happening?" I cling to the front of his T-shirt. "You have to let me think for a second."

"You've been quiet since we said goodbye to Jersey and May at the theater." He tucks my hair behind my ear. "I know it's a lot to take in, Ellie. I want us to go the shoebox apartment so I can show you the blanket May was wrapped in and the note."

"I want that." I do. I've wanted that since he told me that May was the baby at the pharmacy. On the walk back to my place after we said goodbye to Jersey and May, Nolan explained about the newscast footage and how he'd watched as I was wheeled out of the pharmacy on a stretcher. He saw the woman with the baby. The baby who was wrapped in the same torn quilt that May was wrapped in when she was found in the lobby of his building. I remember every detail of that quilt. I remember my blood spattering onto it after I'd been shot.

"I have to get Annie's journals." I motion toward the hallway. "I keep them in my shoebox. It's under my bed."

He takes a step in the direction of my bedroom. I stop him with a pull on his shirt. I didn't know if Adley would be here when I told Nolan I wanted to come here. I'm glad that she's not. I need time with just him to absorb everything. It's too much. I can barely wrap my mind around the fact that May was that baby. I can't grab hold of the reality that he is Rigs.

"You treated me like shit," I blurt out. "I'm mad at you."

He kisses my forehead. "You have every right to be pissed as hell at me. I was an asshole. I'm sorry, Ellie. I lost it when I saw you with Wolf."

"He was helping me," I explain. "This week is a hard one for me and I saw him there and he asked how I was doing and I lost it. I cried because Annie and I used to share a package of candy whenever we found enough change in the park to buy it. I went there for May. I went to the store to get a necklace for May."

"I've never been in love before." His arms circle me. "I don't know how to do this. I need you to guide me, to help me. I need you to tell me when I'm fucking shit up because I cannot lose you. I won't. You are my breath now. If I lose you, I lose me."

"Never stop talking to me." I bump my fist against his chest. "Never do that. We can work out anything if we talk. If you go radio silent, I can't deal with it."

"It won't happen again." He trails his lips over my forehead. "I promise I will talk to you if I lose my shit over something I see or hear. I'll discuss it with you, Ellie. I won't shut you out."

"I love you so much," I whisper. "I was scared that I lost you forever."

"You love me?"

I look up and into his handsome face. "I love you more than anything. You know that, Nolan."

"I hoped that you loved me." He moves his hands to cradle my face. "You haven't said it yet, Ellie. You didn’t tell me that you love me."

"I love you," I shout. "I love you, Nolan."

"I love you too."

"Promise me you'll never shut me out again. Promise me you won't let your huge ego destroy us." My mouth curves into a smile.

"I promise and it's not that big."

"It's huge." I hold my hands out in front of me so they're two feet apart. "It's this big."

"You have my ego confused with my dick." He cups his hands over mine and brings them to his chest. "Let's put the past to rest so we can focus on our future."

"I'd like that." I reach up to brush my lips over his. "I'd actually love that."

***

I hold his hand in silence as he reads my sister's journals.

We'd taken them out of my shoebox together along with a Polaroid picture of Annie and me that had been taken four days before our father died and our lives changed forever. In the photograph we're standing in Times Square, our arms linked together as we smile for the camera. The woman taking it knew us. She'd been working the area taking pictures of tourists for spare change for months. When she saw us that day, she asked if she could snap a picture. We agreed and after she was done, she handed it to Annie. She tucked it into the pocket of the worn varsity jacket she'd gotten from the shelter.

"You're sure you don't want some water or something, Ellie?" He turns to look at me.

We've been sitting on the couch in the shoebox apartment for more than an hour now. We came straight here after we got the journals. I wanted the privacy this space offers and he wanted to bring me here to show me the blanket that May had been wrapped in that day he became a dad.

"I'm fine." I glance down at the page he's reading. "You were like an older brother to her."

His eyes search mine. "Why did I never meet you? Where were you when I was with Kip?"

"One time I was hanging on the edge of the park and I saw you two talking." I pause to read a sentence written in my sister's handwriting. "Mostly I was with my dad. He would ask people for money and I was his prop."

I see the pity in his eyes but I don't want it. My dad lived a life that was filled with regret. He lost his first wife, Annie's mom, to a heart attack when she was too young for anyone to know that her heart wasn’t strong.

He worked through that pain by having a bottle of whiskey by his side and different women in his bed. My mom was one of them. She didn't tell him about me until she knew her life was over. I was supposed to go live with my aunt in Brooklyn until my dad came to Boston. He arrived with a bouquet of flowers and Annie by his side.

The loss of my mom after their brief reunion sent him into a tailspin. He drank more and worked less and soon the small furnished apartment in Murray Hill that we lived in wasn't ours anymore. We slept in the car until he sold that and the city's shelters became our home.

He closes the journal with shaking hands. "We need to talk, Ellie, about something I did for Kip."

I squeeze his hand tighter. "You did lots of things for Annie. You gave her food and gloves. Your friend Jeff told her about Paris and it made her fall in love with it."

"That was Crew." A smile ghosts his lips. "Crew told Kip his name was Jeff."

I scan his face, tears swelling in my eyes. "That was Crew? He knew her too?"

"Not well." He swipes the pad of his thumb over my cheek to catch a tear. "They met only a couple of times. Crew talked about Paris. She was mesmerized by it."

"I can't believe that was Crew." I hold his gaze with mine. "I still can't believe you're Rigs."

"I'll read these." He runs his fingers over the open journal in his lap. "I will read and cherish every word that she wrote in here, but I need to talk about something now. I need to explain why I did what I did."

"What did you do?" My stomach knots. I've read my sister's journals more than a dozen times. I've held tight to her thoughts and her words because they've brought me comfort.

"Kip was attacked one night," he begins, his shoulders tensing. "Do you remember that night?"

"I remember everything about that night."

"I was there." He closes his eyes. "I was walking through the park. I heard her scream. I ran. I saw things. There was a man on her, Ellie. His hands were all over her. He was hitting her. Holding her down."

"Yes," I mutter, my voice barely audible. "I remember."

"I pulled him off." He reaches for my hand. "I pulled him off and he took off. He ran. I chased that sick fuck until I caught him."