Rock Bottom (Dragon Within #4) (16 page)

    
At his
door, I raised my fist to knock and just froze. A trickle of sweat slid down
the back of my neck. I told myself I was being stupid. No other girl was in
that room. It had taken Zack forever to move into a relationship with me, no
way would he hop into bed with somebody he’d only known such a short time.
Besides, he was in love with me. He hadn’t said as much, but sometimes you can
know a thing without hearing the words.

    
I knocked
and as the sound faded away I came this close to running. It was an actual,
physical effort to keep my feet planted firmly in place.

    
A
scuffling noise. A couple of thumps. Light shone through the crack under the
door. And then Zack was in front of me, wearing nothing but a pair of black
sleep pants, his hair ruffled every which way and his eyes all squinty. God, he
was gorgeous.

    
“What?”
he snapped.

    
I opened
my mouth but nothing came out. I have no idea what it is about a six pack that
turns a girl’s brain to mush but that was exactly what was happening to me. My
mind was a total blank. I could not for the life of me remember what I was
doing there.

    
Zack
braced one hand against the doorframe. “Did you want something? It’s kind of
late.”

    
“Uh,
yeah. Right. I... uh... that is...” I huffed a sigh. “Can I come in?”

    
The look
I got in response made me think he was going to say no, but then he stepped
back and motioned me inside.

    
Zack’s
room was tiny. Like, seriously. His bed took up almost the entire space and it
was not by any means a big bed. Of course it didn’t help that his floor was
littered with clothes. It looked like a hamper had thrown up in there.

    
“You need
a maid,” I said.

    
He sat
down on the end of the bed. “Is that why you woke me up? To comment on my lack
of cleaning skills?”

    
“No,
Mister
Crankypants
.” With no other furniture in the
room, I had no choice but to sit beside him on the bed. That little flutter in
my gut kicked into overdrive. “You are so grumpy right now.”

    
“Yeah,
well getting woke up in the middle of the night for no good reason will do that
to a person. Do you have a point to make or what?”

    
I clasped
my hands in my lap and focused on them to avoid being distracted by looking at
Zack’s bare chest. “I came to apologize.”
 

    
“For
what?”

    
“Our
fight earlier. See, I just had a really good time with my friends and I thought
the night wouldn’t end right until I came to say I was sorry. So here I am.”

    
“Are you
crazy?” The sharp tone in his voice made me jump. “Do you have any idea what
time it is? You woke me up because of some stupid fight? Do you even remember
what it was about?”

    
Wow,
overreact much? “N-no.” He was looking at me in this certain kind of way and
before I knew it I could feel that I’m-going-to-cry pressure building up behind
my eyes. “But I thought--”

    
“Who
started it? Can you tell me that?”

 
   
Crying in front of him was not something I
wanted to do, but he was being so mean. And I could feel that pressure pushing
its way to the front of my eyes. “I--”

    
“Don’t
know. Right? So what are you apologizing for?”

    
“Nothing.” I got up off the bed. Suddenly the room was so small it was
claustrophobic and I had to get out. “Sorry I woke you.” I started toward the
door.

    
“Wait.”
He grabbed my wrist. “Don’t stomp off mad.”

    
I kept my
back to him so he wouldn’t see the tear sliding down my cheek. “Let me go. I
want to leave.” I meant for the words to come out firm and assertive. Instead
they only sounded weak and hurt.

    
Zack
stepped around in front of me and I turned my head so my hair would hide my
face.

    
“Look,
I’m... I didn’t mean to be a... a...”

    
“Jerk?” I
supplied, since he couldn't seem to find the right word.

    
“Yeah, a
jerk. I’ve got some stuff going on right now, but I shouldn’t take it out on
you. I... I’m sorry.”

    
“What
stuff?” I looked into his eyes. “You didn’t have any stuff earlier. Or did
you?” I searched his face but of course that got me nowhere. Zack was not the
kind of guy who was easy to read. “Are you hiding something from me?”

    
He let go
of my wrist and moved away. “Let’s not talk about it, okay? It’s personal. It
has nothing to do with you.”

    
He
couldn’t have stunned me more if he’d slapped me. “Of course it has something
do with me. Anything that has you so upset has something to with me. I’m your
girlfriend.” I paused. “Aren’t I?”

    
Zack ran
both hands back through his hair. Which did nothing to help his bed head in the
least. “Girlfriend? We’ve never even been on a date. In what universe is what
we’ve got going on here a normal relationship?”

    
“What
is
a normal relationship?” I countered. “You’re going to have to tell me because
I’ve never been in lo--”

    
“Don’t
say that.” Zack held up a hand as if he could physically stop my words. “You
don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re a kid.”

    
“Do not
call me a kid.” Any trace of tears was burned out by a flash of anger. “And
don’t try to tell me about what I feel. Not when I know you feel it too. I
didn’t imagine that night by the stream. What have we been doing since then if
not building a relationship?”

    
“I can’t
help it if you follow me around like a puppy dog.”

    
It was
right on my tongue to say something sharp. Something I would regret later. But
I caught myself before the words could pass my lips. It would be too easy to
have another pointless fight that ended with nothing resolved between us.

    
“Why are
you so afraid of me?” I asked. “I get why you pushed me away in the beginning.
You didn’t want to like me when you knew you were going to have to kill me. But
what’s holding you back now?”

    
“This
isn’t some game we’re playing here,” Zack said. “This is life and death.
There’s no place for... whatever it is you think you want from me.”

    
I shook
my head. “Don’t you think I know what kind of situation this is? I haven’t had
my head buried in the sand all this time. I’ve seen things,
done
things,
terrible things. I’ve killed people.” My voice cracked. “I know that means
nothing to you, but it means something to me. You were raised for this life. I
wasn’t. But I’m here and I’m trying, even though all I want is to curl up in
bed and cover my head up until it’s all over. How can you stand there and tell
me I don’t know this is a life and death situation? My own parents died for
this. Died to keep me alive. Do you have any idea how many lives have been
ruined because of me? It’s not worth it.
I’m
not worth it.” And here
came the tears again. “They should have let me die.”

    
Zack
wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head against his shoulder. I didn’t
want to cry but I couldn’t stop myself. Crying is kind of a cleansing, you
know? That’s why we do it. Sometimes you have to cry the pain away or else
it’ll kill you.

    
I cried
until I felt dry and hollow inside, then I pulled away from Zack. “Sorry,” I
mumbled. “I really didn’t come here to snot all over you.”

    
“Sit
down.” He took my shoulders and gently guided me to the bed. Then he dug
through the mess of his clothes and pulled out a reasonably clean t-shirt. “
Here.
” He held it out to me.

    
“I can’t
blow my nose on your shirt,” I said. “That’s gross.”

    
He
silently pointed to where my tears and snot glistened on his chest. Yeah,
crying might make us feel better, but it sure is nasty. I could only imagine
what my face looked like.

    
“Point
taken.” I accepted the shirt.

    
“Stay.
I’ll be back.”

    
I waited
until he left before blowing my nose. I looked around for somewhere to put the
shirt and settled on tossing it into the corner. I stared at the door and
thought about leaving, Zack had most likely gone to the bathroom to clean up.
It was down the hall, so I could be gone before he knew it.

    
But
wouldn’t that be taking the coward’s way out? So I stayed. I needed to
apologize, if nothing else. I’d come meaning to make things all right between
us and instead I’d only made it worse.

    
Yeah, I
know it wasn’t all me. Zack
was
being a jerk. But I should have expected
his reaction. I should have just let it go and tomorrow we could have pretended
it never happened like we always did. Coming to his room in the middle of the
night was a mistake.

    
When he
came back, he sat down on the bed beside me. I stared at my hands. How was I
supposed to look at him when I’d made such a fool of myself? “I’m sorry I
dumped all that on you. I mean, here you were trying to tell me how you had
stuff going on and what did I do? I made this all about me. Again. Like I’m the
only one around here whose life is messed up.”

    
“Why do
you do that?” Zack’s voice was oddly soft and firm at the same time.

    
I raised
my head. “Do what?”

    
“Take
everything on yourself,” he said. “Hold yourself responsible for other people’s
choices. It’s stupid.”

    
“But I am
responsible. If I hadn’t been born, none of this would have happened.”

    
“Are you
responsible for being born? Are you responsible for the choice your parents
made? Are you responsible for the law that forced them to make that choice? You
can’t do this. You’re going to kill yourself carrying all that weight around.”

    
I met his
gaze. “How do I stop? How do I get rid of all this guilt?”

    
Zack
brushed the hair back from my face, his thumb trailing across my cheek. He
cupped the back of my neck with his hand. I knew he was going to kiss me, so I
met him halfway. Obviously this wasn’t our first kiss, and yet it was like no
other kiss we’d shared before.

    
It felt
as of my whole body was buzzing. I was hyper aware of everything; the beating
of my heart, the smell of soap on his skin, the way his hand slid around my
waist, the heat building between us.

    
I leaned
into the kiss, but I had no idea what to do with my hands. I knew Zack was more
experienced than I was even though I’d never asked. His tongue brushed mine and
I felt a touch of panic. Probably not the best time to start worrying about all
the things I didn’t know, but the thoughts kept creeping in anyway.

    
I tensed
up and I guess Zack must have felt that, because he pulled away from me. “We
should stop.” His voice sounded as shaky as I felt.

    
And I
knew he was right. This was a bad idea for so many reasons. Only right then my
brain was taking a backseat to the emotions I was feeling. I was terrified, but
in a crazy, exciting kind of way.

    
I threw
my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his. Words didn’t seem to work
with him, so I had to try something else. Maybe, if I couldn’t
tell
him
how I felt and make him believe me, then I could
show
him. Not a good reason
to keep things moving in the direction they were going. I know that. But
sometimes you get caught up in a moment and good sense goes flying right out
the window.

    
Unlike
me, Zack had no trouble knowing what to do with his hands. We fell back
together onto the bed and... Well, I don’t really need to say any more than
that, do I?

CHAPTER
ELEVEN

    
Have you
ever woken up with the gut feeling something is wrong, but you have no idea
what it is? At first I thought it was because Zack was gone. The bed was so
narrow I didn’t even have to roll over to know he wasn’t there.

    
Even
though I knew I should go back to my room before Derek really did send out a
search party, I chose instead to snuggle down under the covers and wait for
Zack to come back. I closed my eyes and felt myself starting to drift toward
sleep, when the bed vibrated again. I say again, because now I’m pretty sure
that was what actually woke me in the first place.

    
I sat up,
clutching the sheets to my chest and staring around the room wide eyed. Should
I stay where I was? Should I get up and look for Zack? Was it an earthquake?
Did Oregon even have earthquakes?

    
The
lights went out. I gasped, my heart leaping into my throat. And then the room
exploded with sound.