Schemer (32 page)

Wayne grinned and held out his right hand. ‘You’ve got yourself a deal, pal.’

Marlene glared at Jake’s ex-wife and his two daughters as she sat herself down. As usual, Marlene had chosen her outfit carefully for the occasion. Today, she had on her black leather miniskirt, black basque, fishnet stockings, suede ankle boots, and to finish the look had worn her beige fur jacket and put a red bow in her hair to match her lipstick. Marlene might have celebrated her fortieth birthday just a month before Jake’s death, but in her eyes, she was still a stunner. ‘I feel like Cinderalla sitting here with them two,’ Marlene whispered to Barry, pointing at Miranda and Isabelle. ‘They’re definitely the two ugly fucking sisters.’

‘Just shut it, will you?’ Barry hissed.

‘Are we all comfortable? If so, I shall begin,’ Mr Michaels said.

‘Excuse me, Mr Michaels. Can I ask you a question first?’ Marlene piped up.

‘Yes, of course, and please call me Hymee.’

‘Why are we having one of these formal will readings, Hymee? My son said that they only have ’em on the telly and in America,’ Marlene enquired, feeling rather pleased with herself for asking such an intelligent question.

‘I didn’t say they had ’em in America; I said I didn’t know if they did,’ Barry said, embarrassed. His mother could never just sit there and listen. She always had to put her two penn’orth in and make a complete show of herself and him at the same time.

Hymee Michaels smiled at Marlene. He knew all about her. Jake had given him lots of information about the woman he lived with, and Marlene was exactly how Hymee had imagined her to be. ‘Readings like this are fairly unusual, but I have performed two in the past. Jake was a man of few words when he was alive, and I think there were certain things he wanted to say to people which he felt unable to. I’m sure that’s why he was insistent on a reading of this kind. He would never want to pass over to the other side with so much left unsaid.’

Marlene nudged Barry. ‘Pass over to the other side. What fucking other side?’ she said, laughing.

‘Put a sock in it, will you, muvver?’ Barry snapped, embarrassed.

Anne, Miranda and Isabelle glanced at one another, but said nothing. They had far too much class and respect to get involved in another argument with a foul-mouthed old tart such as Marlene.

Hymee picked up the papers in front of him and smiled wryly. When he had helped Jake write this over an extremely boozy lunch, they had had a right old laugh over it. Hymee had liked Jake. He was a funny character, one of his nicer clients, and Hymee was determined to do his old friend proud today. Clearing his throat, Hymee adjusted his reading glasses.

‘To Barry Franklin, who I always classed as the son I never had, I leave my beloved classic Jaguar car and my bar in Spain. I know and trust Barry will take good care of both for me.’

‘How comes he got the fucking bar? It’s called Marlene’s, so surely that should have been mine?’ Marlene yelled, callously.

Barry was shocked. The bar didn’t make fortunes, but it was certainly worth a few bob if he ever decided to cash in and sell it.

‘What have I got?’ Marlene asked Hymee.

‘I was told by Jake to read this in a specific order, Mrs Franklin, so I’m afraid you will have to wait your turn,’ Hymee replied. ‘To my daughters, Miranda and Isabelle, I leave my property in England and fifty thousand pounds each. Both of my—’

‘What? You’re having a fucking laugh, ain’t ya?’ Marlene shrieked, stopping Hymee mid-sentence.

As his mother went to stand up, Barry grabbed her by the arm. ‘Sit down, shut up, and stop being so bloody rude. Let the man finish what he’s saying, else I’m walking out and leaving you ’ere.’

When Marlene sat back down, Hymee nodded, then continued. ‘Both of my daughters are very dear to my heart and I truly regret all the wasted years that we spent apart. I am so glad that we managed to put our differences to one side and become friends again, as I would never have been able to rest in true peace if we hadn’t been able to achieve that.’

Marlene took her bottle of brandy out of her bag and took a large gulp to calm herself down. Anne had obviously been telling the truth at the funeral when she had said that Jake had been in contact with her and his daughters for the past few years. Marlene was absolutely livid. ‘The lying fucking old bastard. Good job someone else shot him ’cause I could quite easily have done it meself now,’ she said loudly.

When Isabelle burst into tears and was comforted by Miranda, Barry asked Hymee to continue. The quicker this was over with and he got out of here, the better.

‘Would you like a couple of minutes’ break, Isabelle?’ the solicitor asked.

‘No, I’m fine,’ Isabelle replied, blowing her nose with a tissue.

‘Of course she’s fine. Who wouldn’t be fine if they’d just been left fifty grand and half a house?’ Marlene grumbled.

‘To my ex-wife, Anne, I leave the sum of twenty-five thousand pounds. I know we rarely saw eye to eye, but I hope you will accept the money as an apology for the diabolical way that I sometimes treated you in the past. I am truly sorry for my actions.’

‘I’ve got the apartment in Spain and the rest of the estate,’ Marlene whispered in Barry’s ear.

‘And last, but not least, out of the people who are present, we come to you, Marlene,’ Hymee continued, smirking at what in his opinion was an absolutely horrific excuse for a human being. ‘To my loving girlfriend, Marlene Franklin, I leave the sum of one thousand pound and my ashes. I would be grateful if Marlene—’

Marlene had no choice but to interrupt Hymee. ‘You’ve obviously read that wrong, love. Do you mean a hundred thousand pounds and you ain’t mentioned the apartment yet?’

Hymee wanted to laugh, but knew that he musn’t. ‘No, I’ve read everything correctly, Mrs Franklin. It clearly states here one thousand pounds. Now, would you like me to continue? I haven’t quite finished yet.’

For once Marlene was lost for words, so sat open-mouthed instead.

‘Now, where were we?’ Hymee said, staring at the piece of paper. ‘I think I’d better read your part from the beginning again, as I’ve now lost track of where I was up to.’

Marlene nodded dumbly.

‘To my loving girlfriend, Marlene Franklin, I leave the sum of one thousand pounds and my ashes. I would be grateful if Marlene would spend her money wisely and also cherish my remains. Perhaps she would like to invest her inheritance in some clothes that aren’t two sizes too small for her, or a wooden shed which she can live in. Or, if she wishes, she can spend it on her two fancy men – Louie, our one-time gardener, or Fernando, the young waiter who works in our bar, or perhaps doesn’t by the time this will is read. Enjoy the rest of your life, Marlene; it was truly a pleasure knowing you, darling.’

‘You didn’t, did ya? Not with Fernando?’ Barry spat, looking at his mother in absolute disgust. The boy in question was years younger than he was and was barely out of nappies.

Marlene burst into uncontrollable tears. ‘Where am I gonna live? The old cunt can’t take my home away from me, I live there. Do something Barry, do something,’ she screamed.

Barry didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. One part of him thought the whole thing was hilarious, but the sensible side of him was concerned about where his mother was going to live, because there was no way she was moving in with him.

Miranda and Isabelle were totally stunned. Anne wanted to burst out laughing, but was too frightened of having another nasty altercation with Marlene to actually do so. She would dine out on this story for many years to come with her friends, and her deceased ex-husband had suddenly gone up immensely in her estimation.

‘There must be something in there about the apartment in Spain? Me mum and Jake lived there together,’ Barry said to Hymee.

‘That’s in the final part of the will. Would you like me to read it to you now?’

Barry nodded. ‘Stop crying, Mum, and listen to the man.’

‘The rest of my estate, including my property in Spain, I wish to split equally between my two grandchildren, Molly and Abigail, and any other future grandchildren that may be born after my death. I insist it be held in trust for the kids until they are twenty-one years old and are old enough to spend it wisely. My last wish is that twenty thousand pounds be taken out of the estate fund and be given to Battersea Dogs Home. My beloved dog, Fido, came from there, and it would give me great delight to give something back to such a worthy cause.’

‘Dad was such a kind man,’ Miranda said, tearfully.

Miranda’s statement was like showing a red rag to a bull to Marlene’s ears. ‘Kind! Fucking kind! Your cunt of a father has just left me penniless, you ugly, hooked-nosed prat.’

‘Don’t you dare speak to my daughter like that, you repulsive, gold-digging whore,’ Anne replied, forgetting about her earlier wariness.

Marlene leapt out of her seat like a kangaroo. ‘I’ll talk to your moose of a daughter however I fucking wanna talk to her. As for you, did all right for yourself making up with Jake, didn’t ya? Twenty-five grand you got, yet it was me who had to suck his sweaty little cock for the past ten years and I got fuck all. Even Fido’s fucking pals in the dogs’ home got more than me and I ain’t bastard well having it. I want what’s mine.’

‘Come on, Mum, we’re going,’ Barry said, grabbing his mother roughly by the arm.

‘I ain’t going nowhere until I get what’s rightfully owed to me. As for you, you conning little cunt, you did all right an’ all, didn’t ya?’ Marlene yelled, punching her son on the chin.

When Marlene lunged at Anne and knocked over a plant pot in the process, Hymee grabbed his phone. ‘Please get her out of here as I don’t want to have to call the police,’ he said, worriedly. Hymee had sort of expected fireworks just by the description he had been given of Marlene, but he hadn’t expected the deranged woman to start smashing up his office.

Miranda and Isabelle cowered in the corner as Marlene tried to lunge at their mother once again. Marlene’s eyes looked totally insane, and she reminded them both of a wild animal who had just been let out of its cage after years of being held in captivity.

‘I’m afraid I really must ask you to leave now,’ Hymee insisted, as Marlene broke free from Barry and ran towards him.

‘Give me them fucking ashes,’ Marlene screamed.

Petrified, Hymee bent down and picked up the black urn.

‘Let’s go, muvver. You can pick the ashes up another time,’ Barry said, grabbing Marlene’s arm once again.

‘I want them now,’ Marlene screamed, in a hysterical-sounding voice.

Barry turned to Hymee. ‘Give us the ashes, mate, then we’ll go.’

Hymee handed Barry the urn and then watched in horror as Marlene snatched it off her son and took the lid off. ‘There you go, you fucking vultures. You’ve had all me cash, so you might as well have that old cunt an’ all,’ Marlene screamed, as she directed the ashes in the direction of Anne, Miranda and Isabelle.

Hymee grimaced as most of the black dust landed all over poor Isabelle. Jake wasn’t a silly man, and had known Marlene would do something awful with his ashes. ‘Hymee, my daughters might have sort of forgiven me, but they ain’t gonna bloody want my remains. Anne still hates me, I can see it in her eyes. I insist you give the ashes to Marlene for a laugh. If there is anything in all that life-after-death bollocks, I shall piss myself from up above as I watch her pour my ashes down the nearest drain,’ Jake had ordered.

‘Get Daddy off of me. Please get Daddy off of me,’ Isabelle screamed, hysterically. She was waving her arms like a lunatic as she desperately tried to remove the remains of her father from her hair and clothes.

Anne and Miranda couldn’t speak, such was their shock over what Marlene had done.

Hymee wasn’t the most manly of men, but he stood up and confronted Marlene nethertheless. ‘Get out of my office now, you awful woman. You have thirty seconds to leave before I call the police and have you both arrested.’

‘Say hello to Daddy for me, you cunt,’ Marlene cackled, as Isabelle continued to scream blue murder.

‘Call the police, Hymee. I demand that you call the police and have that woman arrested for what she has done,’ Anne insisted.

Barry grabbed his mother from behind and managed to bundle her out of the room. Before shutting the door, he poked his head back around the frame and pointed his finger at Hymee. ‘If them three involve the Old Bill, you deny everything that my mother’s done. If you don’t and she or I get nicked, you’ll have me to deal with, understand?’

Shaking like a leaf, Hymee fearfully nodded his head. The look of evil on Barry’s face had told him all that he needed to know. Ending up with a bullet through his head, like his old friend Jake had, was not the kind of death that he had planned for himself. Natural causes suited Hymee just fine.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

‘Par, Dadda, par,’ Tyler yelled excitedly, toddling over to Wayne with chocolate cake all over his hands and face.

‘Oh, no you don’t. You’ll ruin Daddy’s suit, you messy little pup,’ Stephanie exclaimed, grabbing her son just in time. ‘Can you wash Tyler’s hands and face for me, darling?’ she asked Dannielle.

‘I wan go par,’ Tyler screamed, when Dannielle tried to lead him out of the room.

‘I suppose I’d best get going in a minute. I can’t be late for me own stag do, can I?’ Wayne said.

‘Where you meeting the lads?’ Stephanie asked.

‘Liverpool Street Station. I hate bastard trains, but everyone lives so far away from each other, it sort of made sense to meet there.’

‘How many of yous going now?’

‘There’s only six of us. I wanted to keep it small, ’cause I’m footing the bill,’ Wayne replied.

‘It’s not like you to worry about money. You usually spend it like water,’ Steph said, laughing.

Wayne felt very sheepish and could barely look Stephanie in the eye. ‘We all have to pull our horns in sometimes, babe. I’ll see you tomorrow. Say goodbye to Danielle for me.’

‘You can say goodbye to her yourself,’ Steph replied, as she heard their daughter plodding down the stairs.