Secret Lives (34 page)

“
That dress looks better on you than it
does on me,” Susanna said as she fiddled with the neckline. “You
have more cleavage than I do.”

When I was completely dressed I stared at
the stranger in the mirror. I tugged the dress a little lower,
amazed by how voluptuous I looked. My legs were sleek and gorgeous.
Susanna had parted my hair on the side and it looked like a golden
waterfall. She put pencil and mascara on my eyes, rouge on my
cheeks, and, despite my protests, lipstick on my lips.

Kyle came into the room, looking fine
himself in his gray suit, and the expression on his face when he
saw me made my getup worth it even if I didn't go anywhere except
back to bed.

“
Holy mother of Christ,” he said. “Even I didn't know you
could look this good.” He took my hand and turned me around to get
a view of me from every angle. Then he slipped the tips of his
fingers under the neckline of my dress and
tugged it up an inch or
so.

“
Kyle,” I said, “I've spent the last hour
getting it just right.”

Kyle shook his head. “Do you want Seth to
spend the entire evening with his eyes on your chest and his mind
like oatmeal? Don't be cruel, Kate.”

“
I'm scared,” I said. “I know what's
going to happen the second I get there. I'll get dizzy and won't be
able to breathe and…”

“
Shh,” he said. “You'll make it happen
for sure if you keep thinking about it. I'll be right there with
you. You'll be fine.” He checked his watch. “I'd better go pick up
Bess.” He hugged me. “I'll be at the hotel by the time you arrive,
beautiful lady,” he said.

Seth picked me up at seven. He was shocked
speechless by the way I looked and it wasn't until we were in his
car and on the road that he told me I looked “like a movie star,”
and that he was “honored” to be with me.

I didn't feel at all nervous as we drove along and I know
it's because he reminds me so much of Kyle. I was even fine when we
got to the hotel. Kyle was waiting for us with a very pretty girl
named Bess Donner. He was careful to sit next to me at the table in
the hotel restaurant. The waitress took our orders and then I got
the first little wave of breathlessness. It's hardest for me to
just sit. My
chest started tightening up like it does. I looked at Kyle
and he leaned over and whis-pered in my ear, “You'll be fine,
Kate.”

Then Bess said, “It's rude to whisper,” but
I could tell she was teasing. Bess is the type of girl who teases a
lot. She's confident about her prettiness. I'd never heard Kyle
mention her before and wondered how he knew her. She has very
straight light brown hair cut to her chin and big brown eyes. She's
thin in an appealing, energetic way and was wearing a blue dress
with lacy sleeves like mine, so I guess I am right in style.

Bess asked me questions about my writing and
it put me back at ease to have something to talk about. Seth said I
was one of the favorite children's authors at Waverly Books. He
said they talk about how they'd love to get me up to New York to
wine and dine me, but I always refuse their invitations. I'm viewed
as something of a mystery, he said.

“
Well, now you've met her,” Bess said,
“so the mystery must be gone.”

Seth smiled at me. “Not at all. Meeting Kate
has only added to the mystery. She's an enigma. I feel as though
she must be a figment of my imagination. I expect to develop my
film and find no one there.”

Then our food was delivered which started my
decline. When my nervousness comes on me, I cannot eat. The sight
and smell of food makes me nauseous.

“
Is something wrong with your food,
Kate?” Seth looked at me from across the table. “You've barely
touched it.”

I'd been pushing the meat and potatoes and
snap beans around on my plate, hoping that the fact that I was
bringing none of it to my lips would not be noticed.

“
That's Kate for you,” Kyle said. “It's
the creative mind. When she's working on a story, she gets a
thought in her head and it absorbs all her concentration and she
completely forgets what she's doing. It always happens at the
table, doesn't it?” He looked at me and I nodded, his partner in
this little ruse. “It's a wonder she has any flesh on her bones at
all.”

Seth once again buried his eyes in my flesh
and I looked thankfully at my brother.

“
What story are you thinking about now,
Kate?” Bess asked.

I told them about Child of Sand and my words
came out a little confused and breathy because of my nervousness,
but I thought, what does it matter? I am a woman of mystery and
peculiar eating habits. I can get away with just about
anything.

Then the music started and Seth asked me to
dance.

“
I don't know how,” I said. I couldn't go
out there on that dance floor. I knew my fear would rise the moment
I left Kyle's side. Seth was persistent and I was nearly sweating
with terror by the time he finally gave up and took Bess out on the
dance floor. I watched him pull Bess into his arms and felt a
little jealous. I was starting to shake. Once I start to shake,
it's hard for me to ever feel right again.

“
Kyle,” I said. “I'm going to have to
leave.” I was looking at him, pleading with him to save me somehow,
save me from my own wretched self.

He took my hand under the table and squeezed
it hard. “Relax, Kate. Think about something else.” He looked
around us. “You are easily the most beautiful woman in this room,
do you know that?”

“
Well, Bess is very pretty,” I said. “How
do you know her?”

Kyle looked toward the dance floor where
Seth was turning Bess around and around in nauseating circles. I
thought for a minute he wasn't going to answer me. Then he said,
“Bess is the girl Matt sees in Luray.”

“
The hussy?”

“
Shh.” Kyle laughed. “She's a very nice
girl, Kate. Be kind.”

“
Why, you've had her too,” I said. I knew
by the way he was so quick to take up for her and by the color in
his face that I was right.

“
That, sweetheart, is none of your
business.”

I felt triply jealous of this woman now. She
was in the arms of the man I wanted, she was the occasional wanton
lover of my dear friend Matt and she'd lain with my brother as
well.

“
Next dance is mine,” Seth said when he
returned to the table. “I won't take no for an answer.”

On the dance floor I felt swoony in his
arms, not so much from his touch as from my fear that I would pass
out or upchuck down the front of his shirt at any moment. “I don't
care if you step on my toes,” he said cheerily. “I just needed to
get you away from Kyle and Bess and all to myself for a while.”

I barely heard a word he said as he danced
me in circles, further from the door, further from Kyle.

“
Kate,” he said. “You're trembling. Are
you cold?” He pulled me closer, suffocating me, and I fought like
an animal to escape his arms. I pushed away from him.

“
I'm sorry,” I said and I nearly ran back
to the table, plowing through the mass of dancers to get there. “I
have to leave,” I said to Kyle.

Bess stood up and touched my shoulder. She
looked over at Seth who was trying to cut through the crowd more
politely than I had. “Did he get fresh with you?” she asked.

“
No.” I started crying, looking
helplessly at my brother. “Kyle,” I said. He lifted my coat from
the back of my chair and put it over my shoulders.

“
What did I do?” Seth asked when he
reached the table.

“
Take her outside,” Kyle said to Seth.
“She'll be all right once she's outside. I'll take care of the
bill.”

People were looking up from their
tables.

“
Tell him the truth, Kate,” Kyle called
after me.

Outside, as Kyle had predicted, I felt
better. I leaned against Seth's car while he asked me what was
wrong. “What did your brother mean about telling me the truth?”

“
Can we sit in your car?” I asked. He
opened the door and I got in. I felt sorry for him for thinking he
must have brought this on somehow.

“
There's something wrong with me,” I
said. I was still trembling and he held my hands. “I've been this
way a long time. Since I was a child. I get very nervous away from
home. I was so excited about tonight and I hoped I could make it
through somehow. I actually made it longer than I usually do. I'm
so sorry, Seth.”

“
That's why you didn't eat.”

“
Yes.”

He smiled, but it was a sad smile. “I had
illusions of you visiting me in New York, me showing you
around.”

“
I could try,” I said, though a well of
helplessness filled my chest. “I've never met anyone before that I
wanted to try for.”

“
Does it make you nervous to be kissed?”
he asked.

“
No,” I said, and he leaned over and
kissed me, softly, once. “I'm not made of glass,” I said. “You can
really kiss me.”

And he did, a long, hard kiss, and then he
lowered his head to my breasts, buried his face there and I never
felt happier to be a woman than I did at that moment.

Suddenly there was a knock on the window. I
turned to see Kyle's face against the glass. “Is everything okay?”
he asked through the window. He was holding Bess's hand behind his
back and she was giggling.

“
Yes, Kyle,” I said. A minute ago I'd
wanted him to save me; now I wanted him to leave me alone.

“
I'm about to drive her home, big
brother.” Seth grinned. He is as handsome as all get-out.

As we drove toward Lynch Hollow, Seth said,
“I'm staying over one more night, Kate. Will you see me again?”

“
I'd love to.” I was overjoyed that I had
not completely ruined everything with him. When we pulled up in
front of the house, he kissed me again, then stroked his fingertips
along the neckline of Susanna's dress.

“
We could spend tomorrow evening in my
hotel room if you think you can manage that,” he said.

I could see he was nervous about suggesting that to me, not
sure how I'd take
his forwardness. I guess I was seeming a mite unpredictable
to him. “I'm a virgin, Seth,” I said. “And I would like you to be
the one to put an end to that condition for me.”

He just stared at me for a moment. Then he
smiled. “You're the strangest girl I've ever met.” He kissed me
again. “I'd be honored to help you out of that dilemma.”

I waited up for Kyle to get home and when he
finally came in my room to say good night, I told him our plan.

“
Seth and I are going to make love in his
hotel room tomorrow night,” I said.

Kyle frowned at me. “I don't know, Kate. You
don't know him very well and—”

“
Kyle, don't you dare tell me I shouldn't
do this. Don't you dare ruin it for me. You fuck everyone you
meet.”

“
I do not. And clean up your
mouth.”

“
I'm twenty-five years old and I've never made love.” I felt
so sorry for myself I thought I might cry. “I thought I never
would. Then here comes this beautiful man just out of the blue,
with his camera and his green eyes and his smile that's so much
like yours. And for the first time I want somebody and I'll be
damned if I'm
going to wait until I know everything there is to know
about him. I don't care what more there is. I want him
now.”

“
All right,” Kyle said. His voice was
very quiet after my little scolding. “But Matt will die.”

“
Matt doesn't need to know all my
business,” I said. “I've known Matt for a thousand years and I've
never felt the kind of attraction to him that I felt after one
minute with Seth.”

“
All right, Kate. Sleep well.” Kyle left
my room and I threw my notebook at the door after he closed it. I
wanted him to be happy for me. He's going to sap all the joy out of
this.

October 5, 1952

I'm so excited. I took a long bath this
afternoon with some of Susanna's bath crystals. I keep expecting to
feel terrified each time I think of being in a hotel room so far
from Lynch Hollow, but I'm pretty calm so far.

Kyle is repentant. He just came in my room,
sat down on his old bed and told me he was sorry for trying to
burst my bubble last night. Then he handed me a Trojan!! “Take
this,” he said, “in case Seth's fool enough not to have any.” Then
he reached into his back pocket and handed me another. “Better take
two,” he said.

I thanked him and slipped the Trojans deep
in my purse.

“
Listen, Kate,” Kyle said. “Some men
don't know the first thing about making sure a woman, you know,
gets her pleasure when they make love. I don't know how much Seth
has been around. You're the one who taught me, remember?”

I nodded, remembering how wonderfully drunk
he was the night I drew him a picture of the workings of a woman's
body.

“
I don't know how long it would have
taken me to learn that on my own,” he said. “So if Seth wasn't
lucky enough to have a sister who…I just don't want you to have
high hopes and then be disappointed.”

“
I'll be fine,” I said. I was beginning
to feel embarrassed.

“
It can hurt the first time,
too.”

“
I know, Kyle. I read, you know.”

“
I'm irritating you,” he said with a
smile.

“
Like salt on a wound.” But I smiled back
at him. I love Kyle so much. I'd miss it if he didn't worry about
me. He said he'd sit in the lounge of the hotel tonight in case I
need him, even though I'm sure I'll be fine. He has a book he wants
to read, he said. He can read just as well at the hotel as he can
here.