Stand Strong: You Can Overcome Bullying (and Other Stuff That Keeps You Down) (6 page)

The good news is that while you can’t control certain things that happen to you—like bullies, storms, illness, or challenges at home—you can choose whether you respond in a negative or positive manner. No matter where I am speaking in the world, whether it’s central California, South America, or China, young people ask me how I can be so joyful when I have such severe physical disabilities. I tell them it’s because I choose to focus instead on all the good things in my life.

I have a choice. You have a choice. We can choose to give in
to self-pity or victimhood when bullies pick on us, or we can choose to take responsibility for our own happiness and our responses to being bullied. Teens may not have as much control over their lives as adults, but it’s a powerful thing to take control of your actions, especially your responses to life’s challenges.

When you think of being bullied, it’s usually in terms of another person who is taunting you, pushing you around, or ostracizing you socially. But there are many other forms of bullying, including religious persecution, dictatorships, sex slavery, and physical and sexual abuse. Even illnesses and disabilities can be bullies in a sense because they restrict your freedom and try to limit your life. Melissa wrote about this in an inspiring e-mail she sent to me:

Isn’t that precious? I would correct only one thing Melissa wrote in that letter: she is an inspiration. Her story makes me want to be an even better person, so that makes her a life changer too!

The Power of Choice

Melissa chose to take responsibility for her own happiness and her own life. She is a very wise and mature young woman. I wish I’d had her wisdom when I first began dealing with bullies in my school years. If a bully said something hurtful, I let it hurt me. If he called me a freak, I saw myself as a freak. If a bully told me that no girl would ever like me, I believed it.

I wasn’t strong. I didn’t take responsibility for my own happiness or self-esteem. I just didn’t get it at that point, and as a result, I fell into despair and had suicidal thoughts that eventually prompted some very unwise actions. I tried to commit suicide once because bullies had convinced me there was no hope. Another time I let a bully goad me into a fight on the playground.

I wised up in high school. Bullies and cruel people still hurt my feelings and made me angry. I couldn’t help that. But eventually, I learned to control my responses to bullies. Instead of lashing out or fleeing in tears, I assessed the situation with more thought. I tried to understand where each bully was coming from. Sometimes that was impossible. You can’t always read a bully’s motivations. Some of them are deeply troubled or just plain mean.

Please, don’t ever let a bully “make” you do anything. Take responsibility and take charge. Respond to the bully in whatever way serves you best—don’t take the bait, whatever it may be.

When I was in elementary school, I took the bait hook, line, and sinker. The bullies got their hooks in me, and it tore into my soul. Don’t make that mistake, because it will tear you up too—and that’s just what the bully wants.

I nearly took my own life after being hooked by the lie that I was a worthless freak with no future. Lies can kill you, but only if you let them into your heart. Don’t let them in. Welcome the truth instead, the truth that you were perfectly created by God and delivered to this earth to serve Him and His purpose.

You are loved, and you have no idea what He has in store. Your value is not determined by anything related to your appearance. It’s all about what resides inside your heart and soul.

I didn’t feel like I had much power when I was a kid. To me, adults had power and kids didn’t. Teachers had power. But God had power on standby for my use. I never thought that I had it, but it was there. I’d just never claimed it.

Here are suggestions that can help you unleash your own power of choice.

Step 1: Get in the Driver’s Seat

When I tell you to get in the driver’s seat, I mean this metaphorically of course. You may not be old enough to drive yet, but even if you are, this step isn’t about driving a car; it’s about accepting the responsibility to be the driving force in your own
life. If you want to be happy and successful—whatever your definition of success might be—you have to tap the power within you to create the life you want, no matter what happens to you. This is a really cool concept. It’s sort of like a secret power that keeps you on track and feeling good about yourself regardless of what life throws at you.

David, from Portugal, was born with spina bifida and wrote to tell me that when he was younger, he was depressed because people treated him cruelly, as if he was of less value than others. For a time, he thought about giving up, but then he decided to take control of his own life and not let bullies determine how he felt. David decided to fight for his dreams and to stay positive no matter what challenges he faced, and it changed his life.

“I usually keep a smile on my face, and it makes me happy that people like you, Nick, keep a smile too,” David wrote. “I have no complaining for what I became. I fought a lot, I went down, I came up. I never gave up. Death nearly caught me twice, but here I am. All I want is that people never give up on their smiles. That’s why I try my best to help others. I made mistakes, and I regret that. But I will fight every day to get better.”

There is no guarantee bullies won’t come after you or that every day will be a walk in the sunshine, but as long as you refuse to let anyone else take control of your feelings about yourself or your dreams and goals, you should be okay.

Step 2: Decide Where You Are Going and Stay on the Road

When you are behind the wheel, you take responsibility for getting where you want to go. So if you want a better life or the best possible life, then you’ll have to prepare yourself to claim it by staying on the right road and doing all you can to avoid getting lost along the way.

You must be willing to work for what you want. You can’t allow yourself to settle for something less; so make sure you set realistic goals and expectations and then commit to achieving them. The cool part is that when you take the wheel with a destination in mind and a commitment to making it, the journey becomes much more enjoyable and it becomes more difficult for anyone—including bullies—to knock you off the road.

Step 3: Fuel Up

Fueling up is about figuring out what gets your motor running, what energizes you, what drives you, and what keeps you going even when the road gets rough or you just want to pull over and take a nap. Most cars run on leaded, unleaded, or diesel fuel. Some newer cars are powered by batteries or a combination of both batteries and fuel.

People have a much wider selection of power sources. We are all driven to some degree by the need to make money, but for some people it’s all about making as much money as
possible. I don’t think that’s the greatest driving force, but it’s important to know if that’s what fuels you. Instead, I recommend being driven by faith, to make a difference in the world, to use your talents and gifts in service to God and His people.

Some driving forces are better than others. Some can take you to a dead end quickly; others can fulfill you and make the world a better place for everyone. If your driving force is just to make money, I’m not sure you’ll ever find happiness. But if your driving force is to use your gifts in service to others, there’s a good chance that you’ll always have what you need. I know this because there have been many times when I had very little money, but because I was traveling the world encouraging other people and leading them to God, I felt like I had all I needed and wanted.

Step 4: Get in Gear and Put the Pedal to the Metal

I don’t know about you, but when I was a teenager, I spent a lot of time sitting around with my friends and having conversations like this:

“What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. What do you want to do?”

“Wanna go see a movie?”

“I don’t know; do you?”

“I don’t know; do
you
?”

We would go on like that for hours and hours, never
leaving the couch because we couldn’t decide what to decide. We couldn’t get it in gear, and as a result, we often blew entire days doing nothing, experiencing nothing, accomplishing nothing.

That is not how you want to spend your life, is it? Then you have to put it in gear and step on the gas. You can’t sit around and wait for someone else to decide what you should do. You have to make a decision, and more importantly, you have to
act
on it.

That’s what Nike is talking about when its advertisements say, “Just do it!” If you need a little higher source, consider the Bible, which says that having faith means nothing unless you act on it. Yes, actions really do speak louder than words. It’s good to have dreams, but you’ll never claim the life you want until you get out of bed and go after them.

How does this help you deal with bullies? Well, what’s easier to hit, a sitting duck or a rabbit on the run? If bullies are looking for someone to hit, their last choice will be a moving target, someone who has it in gear with the pedal to the metal on the road to a better life.

Step 5: Check the Mirror and the GPS

When I was young and dealing with bullies on a regular basis, I noticed that once I began to feel better about myself, bullies had a lot less power over me. I felt better about myself when I
stuck to my beliefs and acted accordingly. I stopped cursing. I didn’t pretend to be a tough guy. I talked openly about my faith. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a guy who was doing all he could to be the best Nick he could be.

That’s what I want for you, except for the Nick part of course. I want you to be able to look in the mirror every day and feel like you are doing your best to honor your gifts and blessings. I don’t expect you to be perfect. We all have ups and downs. Sometimes we get off track. That’s okay as long as you take the time to look in the mirror and admit that you can do better and be better. You can cut yourself some slack, but be honest with yourself too. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you’ve picked up some bad habits or if you are hanging out with people who don’t bring out the best in you.

You should also check your personal GPS on a regular basis to make sure you are on track to becoming the person you want to be and creating the life you want to live. Sometimes you may have to take a detour. You may get lost for a while and have to find your way back. To stay on track, you’ll need to check every now and then to see if where you’re headed is the right direction
for you. The worst thing you could do is just wander aimlessly or follow someone whose goals and dreams are different than yours.

The mirror doesn’t lie. Neither does your personal GPS. If you find yourself making excuses, acting sketchy, or doing self-destructive things, then you’ll know it’s time to find your way back to the right road.

God cared enough to breathe life into you and put you on this earth. You need to take care of His creation and honor that precious gift.