Take This Man (21 page)

Elyse
pushed out from between the men and stood up. She wobbled toward the door, her
body acting of its own accord, her brain on auto-pilot. Halfway across the
room, she stopped and pivoted, turning toward them.

He
wanted to see her with another man? All right. Let him watch. She was going to
make sure the impression was burned into his brain. He’d never be able to wash
it from his memory.

She
stood in the middle of the motel room and tore off her glittery halter top. She’d
gone braless, so her breasts jounced as she tossed the top aside, not caring
where it landed. The men gazed at her—Adam’s eyes burned with lust, while Jason
seemed somehow disconnected.

She
shimmied out of her short skirt and flung it at Adam, hitting him in the face.
That was no accident. He drew back, startled, letting the garment fall to the
floor. Then, unceremoniously, she pulled down her panties and left them
abandoned on the middle of the carpet.

Suddenly
a voice clanged in her head. Grandma Wanda’s. “Your mother doesn’t want you.
She’s too busy chasing her men. Acting like a cheap slut. And you’ll end up
just like her, mark my words.”

Yeah,
that’s right, Wanda. I’m just like my mother. And you’re not the only one who
thinks so. Isn’t it nice to be right?

Stalking
to the far side of the bed, she gestured for Jason to move to the middle of the
mattress. “Over here.”

He
obeyed, reclining, his head on a flattened pillow. Elyse knee-walked across the
orange bedspread to him. Her purse, containing condoms, lay on the nightstand.
As she reached across Jason for it, her breasts brushed his face, a nipple
grazing his lips.

Adam
hissed an indrawn breath. He reached for her breast, but she knocked his hand
away.

“You
wanted to watch, remember?” Her voice was so frigid it should have given him
frostbite. “So watch.”

Holding
the condom packet in her teeth, she straddled Jason’s legs, unbuttoning his
pants and unzipping his fly. Jason tried to assist her. “No,” she told him.
This was her show.

Elyse
yanked down his pants and briefs to mid thigh. She tore open the condom
wrapper, and rolled the rubber down the length of Jason’s cock. At least he was
hard. He’d been acting so politely distant all evening she wondered if he was
into her at all. But why would a man agree to a threesome if he wasn’t attracted
to the participants?

A
tremendous wave of doubt crashed over Elyse. What was she doing?

She
mustn’t stop to think. If her anger crumbled, only despair would be left in its
wake. So, no. No thinking. She would see this thing through to the bitter end.

She
lifted up and impaled herself on Jason in one deep thrust.

Watch
me, Adam. Watch me, she wanted to say, her eyes on him as she rode Jason. This
is what you wanted, isn’t it?

She
didn’t think she’d come, but as she ground against Jason on the downstroke an
orgasm burst upon her unexpectedly, folding her over as the spasms rolled
through her.

She
fell onto the mattress by Jason’s side, and was surprised to discover than he
had not climaxed.

“Do
you want me to—” She felt a bit embarrassed. Maybe she really didn’t turn him
on.

“It’s
all right,” he murmured, his face flushed. “I can take care of it.” Taking his
cock in hand, he began to stroke it up and down.

By
this time, Adam was standing and shucking off his clothes. Feeling closer to
Jason now than she did to Adam, Elyse moved closer to him in a protective
gesture. After a few hard strokes he came, shuddering, his face pressed to
Elyse’s shoulder.

****

“I
thought what we had was real,” she told Adam. “That you loved me the same way I
loved you. When you wanted me to get with Jason, I realized how wrong I was.”

Adam
remembered that Elyse’s mother had abandoned her, dumping her into a reluctant
grandmother’s care. Had she felt abandoned by him as well?

When
she spoke again, her voice was clipped. “I hated myself for being so stupid. So…the
best way to punish myself was to fuck Jason’s brains out. And make you watch.”

Adam
nodded and swallowed hard. It was like swallowing razor blades. “Weren’t you
trying to punish me, too?”

Elyse
shrugged. “It would have only hurt you if you’d cared.”

“I
cared. And it hurt all right. Hurt like a bitch. If that’s any consolation.”
The acid in his stomach started working its way up his throat as he remembered.

****

Elyse
lay in the middle of the bed, facing Jason, who was sprawled to her left. Adam
crawled onto the bed from the right. She let him touch her, toy with her, while
she lay as limp and uninvolved as a rag doll.

He
tried his best to arouse her, using all his tricks to turn her on, get her hot
for him. The ones that always worked before. But this time Elyse reacted as if
he were invisible, intangible. As if he wasn’t there at all.

When
he finally entered her from behind, Adam was panting, not merely with the need
to come, but with frustration. And jealousy. Jason had made her come, but Adam
couldn’t get a twitch, a moan, a single look from her.

He
growled in her ear as searing cum spurted out of him. Afterwards, he lifted on
an elbow and leaned down for a kiss, but she turned her face away. She’d let
him fuck her, but kissing him was out of the question.

He
should feel exhausted now, ready to sleep. He’d come that hard. But a heavy
weight lay on his chest, robbing him of rest.

Time
passed, and they were quiet. Though sleep eluded him, Adam began to drowse.
Elyse still had her back to him. She stirred, and he heard her murmur something
to Jason. A moment later, Devereaux answered.

What
were they saying? Adam couldn’t make out the words. A flash of jealousy zapped
through him. He clenched his jaw.

He’d
fucked up. He lay in a bed with two other people, and never felt lonelier in
his life.

****

“Why’d
you do it, then? Why’d you want to share me?” Elyse wiped the tears trickling
from her eyes. “I don’t get it.”

Adam
hesitated. It was on the tip of his tongue to lie, to say
I don’t know
.
But he did know. And she deserved the truth.

“It
was what you said before. About me not wanting to need anyone.”

Elyse
waited, holding her breath. She didn’t want to hear this, but she needed to.

“You
told me you loved me, and it scared the hell out of me. I couldn’t handle it.
The responsibility of you caring about me.” His breath escaped in a gust, and
his shoulders slumped. “I
had
to push you away. I
had
to do
something to make you hate me.”

He’d
succeeded only too well. She’d hated him all right. So much that she’d run
away.

They
stared at each other as the silence absorbed his admission. Elyse blinked at
him. “I wonder if the coffee’s ready yet.” She stood up and left the room
without another word.

Adam
closed his eyes, his headache still going strong. Pain stabbed behind his left
eye. Jesus, he hated this, all this honesty crap. Baring his soul. He’d rather
have a root canal without Novocain.

****

Elyse
always thought if she knew why it all happened, there would be a click in her
brain, and she’d finally understand. As she poured black coffee into two mugs,
she waited for the
click
, but it didn’t come.

She
returned to the living room with the coffee and a renewed sense of purpose. She’d
been honest with Adam, as hard as it was. And he’d been honest with her, up to
a point. Elyse knew there was more to come, and she was not about to let him
off the hook. What was the saying?
You’re only as sick as your secrets
.

“Coffee.”

“Thanks.”

She
sipped from her cup. “Matthew and I had a good talk while you were sacked out.”

He
took a quick swallow and grimaced as though he’d burned his tongue. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.
He told me he always felt guilty for not saving your Mom, but you set him
straight.”

Adam
snorted, his lips twisting into a grin, but his eyes looked far away. “That’s
Wash for ya, thinks it’s his job to save the planet.” Those last few words were
spoken mockingly, in the sonorous tones of a talk-show host.

“He
seems to think you’ve always blamed yourself, too.”

Adam
stiffened. “Well, that’s stupid.”

Elyse
nodded, watching him closely. “Yeah.”

“I
mean, how the fuck could I blame myself when I didn’t live there anymore? Was
it
my
fault my mother married that asshole Don? Was it
my
fault
she had to work all the time, ‘cause the scumbag didn’t carry his own weight?
I
didn’t put her out on the road that night, when that punk kid ran the stop
sign.”

“No,
of course not.”

He
released a long breath. “I begged her to leave him, you know. She didn’t have
to stay with Don—all he did was use her.”

“But
she wouldn’t leave. So you did.”

Adam
sat silently, looking miserable, but Elyse knew what he was thinking. He couldn’t
understand why his mother stayed with Don. Why she chose her husband over her
sons.

“You
did what you had to do, Adam. Nobody can blame you for that.”
And you can’t
blame yourself.

In
his own way, Adam had been abandoned by his mother, just as she had been. He’d
been forced to leave home to get free of an impossible situation. The tragedy
was, he blamed himself for not staying, for “failing” his mother.

So
he punished himself, living in his mother’s house, surrounded by all her
possessions. It was Adam’s way of doing penance. He was just as trapped in the
past as she was.

Now
Elyse understood why he’d pushed her away. His mother, the first woman he’d
loved, had let him down, not even realizing it. How could he ever trust another
woman?

“So
what happens now?” Elyse said a moment later.

He
shook his head. “I don’t know.” Then, sucking in a breath and straightening his
shoulders, he said, “No. I do know. I want to be with you. I don’t want to lose
you again.”

“Can
you forgive me?”

“You
didn’t do anything that needs forgiving,” he said, impatiently dismissing her
words.

“Yes,
I did. I can’t keep playing Little Miss Victim. If I don’t own my part, we’ll
never get past this. Can you forgive me?”

“Yes.
Yes I can.” He looked at her dead on, hiding nothing. Not holding her at arm’s
length. Wanting her to know he was telling the truth.

And
maybe one day he’d be able to do something even harder—forgive both himself and
his mother for their complicated relationship.

When
Adam spoke again, his voice was barely audible. “Do
you
forgive
me
?”

Elyse
had been nurturing her anger for two years. She saw now how hard and
unforgiving she’d become, how much like her Grandma Wanda. It was a humbling
realization.

“I
forgive you.” By holding on to resentment, she’d been stuck in the past. The
only way to move on was to let it all go. Someday she might even find it
possible forgive Sunny and Grandma Wanda. Elyse was beginning to realize how
much it had cost her, carrying all that anger. It was a heavy burden. Was it
possible to just let it go?

It
wasn’t a question she could answer today. One thing at a time, step by step.

Now
came the next step. “I love you, Adam.” She was through hiding from it,
pretending it wasn’t real. But what had he said before? That he didn’t want the
responsibility
of somebody loving him. He was not afraid of loving, but
of
being
loved. He was afraid he couldn’t live up to it, so would rather
not accept it at all.

“I
never stopped loving you,” she told him. “But if you can’t accept that, if it’s
just going to be a burden to you, then I need to go back to Albany.” Elyse was
not threatening him. She made sure there was no anger or blame in her voice,
just sad acceptance.

Adam
stared at her in disbelief. Then his lips firmed, and his jaw tightened with
determination. “No. You’re not going back.”

He
moved as swiftly as a cat to the cushion beside her. Elyse’s breath caught, and
heat flared through her, prickling her nipples and lips. The juncture of her
thighs grew warm and moist as her mouth went dry.

He
dragged her into his arms. Their lips met. She closed her eyes as she kissed
him, breathing him in, tasting him. Their tongues tangled. He tasted of rich
coffee.

When
they drew apart, he spoke. “A burden? Woman, I’ve done nothing but spend the
past few days trying to think of a way to convince you to stay with me. We’ll
do it however you want, Elyse.”