The Bridge to a Better Life (11 page)

Dear Andy,

I asked you to open this letter today because it’s now been a year since my death. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. After I learned I was sick, I would lie in our bed at night listening to you breathe and try and imagine how I would feel if you were the one who had cancer and died, leaving me alone with Danny. Even though imagining it created the most incredible agony inside me, the reality is probably much worse.

I knew it would hurt you too much if I tried to talk to you about finding someone else to love after losing me, so that’s why I wrote this letter. A part of you probably still feels bound by the vows we made even though I’m not there anymore. While you may not want to hear it, and honestly I don’t want to say it, I want you to find someone else to love.

You won’t rush. That much I know. Heck, you didn’t even rush when we first started dating and were so hot for each other. You always take your time. That’s why you were meant to be a doctor. With every relationship, it’s like you are always monitoring the vitals, the progress, looking for a change in the status.

I won’t tell you to choose a good mother for Danny because I know you will. I won’t even tell you to choose someone who makes you laugh because you’ll find the right person for you. And why do I believe that? Because I believe in angels, and when I get to heaven and it’s the right time, I’m going to ask God to let me come back and help you find the next woman of your heart.

I only ask that you let me.

This is hard to write, and I’m crying, partly because I know you’re probably crying as you read this. But you’ll know when you’re ready to start being open again, putting yourself out there. As someone who had the privilege of being loved by you, no one knows better how much love you have to give.

Give it, my love, when the time comes.

I’ll be there, rooting you on, wishing you every happiness always.

I love you,

Kim

When Natalie set the letter between them on the blanket, she turned her face away, but he saw her throat ripple as she stared up at the massive blue sky. She was fighting tears again. She always fought them, and today he didn’t make any comments about the effect it had on the physical body, about how good it was to sometimes let go and give in to grief. Instead, he gave them both a moment to settle and waited for her to break the ice.

“When you brought me out here…that’s not what I expected,” she told him, still not looking at him.

“I’ve never shared that letter with anyone,” he said, falling back onto the blanket and looking at the puffy clouds overhead.

Kim, if you can hear me, help me with Natalie right now. I need you.

The winds shifted the clouds, and he caught sight of a fleeting shape of an angel with wings before it disappeared. He was able to smile over the twinge in his heart. He didn’t care if he’d imagined it.

“When you left Blake, I was so mad at you,” he told her.

Now she gave him her complete attention, turning to stare at him with narrowed eyes.
“What?”

“Until you told me about the whole baby thing, I thought, how in the world could you leave a man who loved you like that? How could you throw away all those years together after we’d all just learned how precious every moment is with the people we love? I was mad because you still had Blake, and I didn’t have Kim anymore.”

She drew her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them, staring straight ahead now.

“Before Kim died, she told me to watch out for you. It scared her to see the way you were locking everything up inside you. I wasn’t…in a much better place…and when you left Blake…well, I couldn’t focus on it. I believed he’d turned into some big douche bag after the story you told us. But that wasn’t true, was it?”

Her head fell forward. “No, it wasn’t. I’m a horrible liar, a terrible person. Are you happy now?”

Her hackles were spiking up more every minute, but instead of backing off, he scooted closer until their shoulders touched. “Blake still loves you, and he’s worried about you. Can you really tell me, being completely honest now, that you don’t fully understand what it meant for him to retire from football?”

“Of course, I know! I saw his elation after every day of a good practice. Saw him do a victory lap around our living room after a win. Watched him shut down for a day after a horrible loss, barely speaking.”

He drew his knees up too. “You’re not over Kim. I might not be either, but at least I’ve grieved her.”

“Grieving her won’t bring her back. You have your way of handling things, and I have mine. I…it’s best not to dwell on the past.”

“Dad always used to say that,” he said, seeing her face flinch.

“Dammit, why is everyone comparing me to Dad all the sudden?” she spat out. “I’m nothing like him.”

He wondered who else had made that comment, but decided not to ask. It wouldn’t help.

“You know, when you met Blake, Kim told me he was the best match in the world for you. He was still tough, which you’d respect, but he also ran on emotion, which you needed to balance things out in your relationship. My suspicion is Blake is the only one who truly knows how to unlock all the grief you feel for Kim, so you pushed him away out of self-preservation.”

“Don’t,” she said softly. He could tell he was actually getting to her from the ragged sound of her voice.

“I showed you that letter from Kim because I’m willing to make you a deal. I’ll start being open to finding someone new if you give Blake another chance.”

“You’re joking.”

The crushing pressure was back in his chest, squeezing out all his breath. “No. I’m serious.”

Her shoulder nudged him sharply. “Did you and Blake make some sort of pact?”

“No,” he said immediately. “I only want to honor Kim. If she thought Blake was the best match for you, I’m going to do my part to help you reclaim that relationship. I didn’t…before. I was going through my own crap and trying to be both father and mother to Danny.”

His throat thickened. Most days, he didn’t think he was doing very well with the mother part. How could a man hope to assume that role too? But Danny seemed to be thriving, thank God, and he knew Kim was being their son’s angel in her own way.

He thanked God for that too.

“So, you think I should just up and take Blake back?” she said with steel in her voice.

Choosing his words carefully, he put his arm tentatively around her shoulder. “No, I think you need to give him a chance to remind you why you fell in love with him in the first place.”

“And talk about what happened,” she added, not leaning her head against his shoulder like she normally would.

“The talking part will happen, but first you need to let him back in. You said you’ve agreed to be friends again. God knows, he needs one after losing Adam and leaving football. Why not start there?”

“And you’ll go on a date if I do this?” she asked, and he could hear the challenge in her voice.

“I agree to be open to finding a woman I
want
to date. When I find her, I’ll ask her.” He knew he had to be clear about his intentions. Just going out with someone wasn’t what he wanted. Okay, he really didn’t want to find anyone, if he were being honest, but reading Kim’s letter again had helped confirm what he already knew somewhere inside. It was time to push his boundaries and try to be open to new experiences.

“Blake won’t be content to be only my friend,” she said. “He never was.”

“That part is up to you,” he told her, dropping his arm from her shoulder. “All we want is for you to be happy.”

“Then why won’t you guys leave me alone?”

“Because you’re not really happy. You’re letting life pass you by.”

“You’re not happy either.”

He felt the punch of that truth in his solar plexus. “True, but I’m happier than you.”

“You have Danny.”

Now he saw the whole baby drama with Blake in a new light. Perhaps there had been a seed of truth in it after all. “You think having Danny made Kim’s death hurt less for me?”

The quiet stole around them when she fell silent. He let it lengthen, unsure if she would answer him.

“I thought it might have helped,” she whispered. “At least you have a piece of her in him.”

He swiped at the tears in his eyes, thinking about how his heart stopped every time Danny smiled like his mother or made a gesture with his hands that reminded him of Kim. “We all have a piece of her in Danny, Nat.”

This time she remained silent, and he knew she wasn’t going to say anything else.

“Well, I should get back so I can give Danny a bath.” His watch told him it was nearing six-thirty. The babysitter would have fed him by now.

He rose and offered her a hand, which she took. He didn’t release it once they were both standing. “I love you, Nat.”

She bit her lip and pulled away. “I love you too. Just…please give me some space about this.”

She was already heading to her car as he folded up the blanket. “You’ve had too much space, Nat. Two whole years of it.”

Her response was to slam the car door. He took a moment to enjoy the quiet. Between the hospital and Danny, he didn’t have a lot of silence except in the darkness of the night. Silence during the day was spectacular, filled with the vibrant colors of blue, green, and brown. He didn’t feel as alone in this silence.

Keep helping her, Kim. We have a long way to go.

As he left, he patted the letter he’d tucked back into his pocket. Natalie wasn’t the only one feeling trepidation over the future. He’d never wanted to imagine a future without Kim, but it appeared he would have to start.

He always kept his promises, even when they broke his heart.

When Natalie heard someone rapping their knuckles in a peppy tune on her back door, she knew it was Blake. She took a moment to compose herself.

She’d spent an hour rearranging the items in her kitchen pantry after her chat with Andy, but it hadn’t done much to shove Andy’s concerns to the back of her mind. In fact, she was having a tough time receding to the quiet, numb place she ran to whenever she became too frazzled, too charged with emotion.

The sweet dog was already at the door, barking with animation, pawing excitedly at the frame. Blake smiled at her when she opened the door. The alluring scent of truffle fries hit her nose, followed by the char of hamburger, and she looked down at the picnic basket he was carrying.

“Did you eat at Ajax earlier?” she asked.

“Without you?” He shook his head. “No, I haven’t been back there since we went together. But Aspen is only forty minutes away, so I thought I’d bring you something special as a way of saying thanks for agreeing to do the catering this weekend.”

He opened the picnic basket—she recognized it as the one she’d bought for them when they were dating. She tried not to think of how thoughtful it was that he’d brought one of her favorite possessions from their home. Inside lay her favorites: the tavern’s signature cheeseburger and truffle fries.

“The chef said you could broil the fries to make them crispy again,” he told her.

A flash of pain tore through her chest. “Thank you.”

He dug into the basket for a stainless steel frozen container—something else she’d bought for them—and thrust it out to her. “Open it.”

When she did, her knees went weak. “You brought me their salted caramel and banana milkshake?” Hadn’t she just eaten a few of her secret stash of caramels in the laundry room after coming home from Black Lake?

His smile was lop-sided. “It
is
your favorite. And I stopped at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and bought you an English toffee apple.”

Now she was deeply suspicious. “But you never approved of me eating that much sugar…” She bit off the words
when we were together.

He barked out a laugh. “I was full of myself. I just want you to be happy, and little makes you happier than food.”

Andy’s words came back to her like a wave, powerful and impossible to fight. Blake
did
want her to be happy. Maybe it was time to stop fighting that quite so hard. “Thank you,” she repeated, her throat clogged with emotion.

The smile turned into a besotted grin, the one she remembered from their courtship. He was embarrassed, but happy to have pleased her.

“And I brought
Outlander
on Blu-Ray. I was hoping we could have dinner and watch a few episodes together.” He bounced on the heels of his feet as he awaited her decision.

Outlander?
Memories swirled around her like a powerful hurricane. She’d read the bestseller in high school and had immediately fallen for Jamie, the sexy, soulful Highlander hero…just like her mother, who’d passed the book along to her, and the rest of the global population who’d read it. The book was one she turned to whenever she needed a quick fix after a crappy day. She remembered the day Blake had finally asked her about it in bed.

She’d shared the whole story with him, and then, without intending to, she poured out her fantasies about Jamie. Always keen on pleasing her, Blake jumped out of bed to claim the red plaid throw she’d bought for the downstairs couch. When he returned, it was tied around his corded waist.