Authors: Gill Hornby
The Hive (2 page)
THE MEETING began at 8 p.m.
MR. ORCHARD thanked everybody for giving up their evenings and wished to—
BEA seconded that and also informed the committee that HEATHER was to act as SECRETARY for the very first time and informed HEATHER that all she had to do was take down exactly what everybody said and make it sound a little bit, she knew, more official-sounding if she could. She also would like to add that she really loved those new shoes.
MR. ORCHARD continued that he was touched by the dedication of so many parents in the community. He explained that this was his first post as headmaster after several years in the City, that the financial situation was as grim as the rumors suggested, but he was in possession of a number of proposals which in his view would lead the school out and up to a brighter—
BEA thanked THE HEADMASTER on the committee’s behalf and stressed the excitement at its hearing of all his plans, which she already knew to be awesome and which she totally promised would happen so soon.
COLETTE informed the meeting that she had made some nibbles, nothing much, just a few cheesy bits into which the committee should simply dive.
MR. ORCHARD requested that the meeting just took the time to hear—
BEA thanked THE HEADMASTER again and proposed the coming of first things first. This committee needed a Chair.
MR. ORCHARD informed the meeting that he presumed he was the—
CLOVER wished to add that she had bought some Wotsits.
SHARON requested to inform all present that BEA was the obvious choice for Chair—
JASMINE explained that this was because BEA was always Chair.
BEA proposed that she really did not want to be appointed Chair for the reason that she was always Chair. And perhaps it was time for someone else and the doing of their bit.
DEBORAH requested that the committee call her BUBBA as everybody did, announced that she would be delighted to be Chair and would like now to take this moment to outline in depth her professional experience in the world of HR, the career from which she was having a break.
BEA let it be known that goodness gracious of course she could not compete with BUBBA. She also had to say how thrilled everybody felt to have someone of such status among them and that one day she would just love to hear lots and lots more about BUBBA’s amazing career, simultaneous to putting the world to rights, over a bottle of something completely delicious. Meanwhile all she could add was that she had five years of tireless work for the community of St. Ambrose, a deep knowledge of every member of the happy school family and her own record of fund-r
aising
success behind her. That was all. She had nothing more.
MR. ORCHARD proposed that he would also like to be considered for the—
COLETTE said all in favor of BEA say aye. And all in favor of BUBBA say aye.
JO informed the meeting that there was a surprise.
BEA thanked her many supporters for their kind vote of confidence and her astonishment that she should be chosen in the face of such frankly terrifying competition.
SHARON requested that her absence be recorded for just a minute and inquired of THE HEADMASTER if it, you know, was upstairs?
MR. ORCHARD agreed, and added that it was the second on the right.
JASMINE informed SHARON that she would come with.
BEA commenced the outlining of her plans. Her number one fund-raising priority was the introduction of a LUNCH LADDER, the having of which was already happening over at St. Francis. In brief: one person has a lunch, charges £15 a head, and those who attend have a lunch in turn and so on. And even more money could be made for this venture if we took down all the recipes that are used and published them as THE ST. AMBROSE COOKBOOK. She happened to know that that was something of which St. Francis had not thought and that therefore we were already up on the game. Also she announced the happening of THE QUIZ in the summer term and proposed the holding of a CAR BOOT SALE as soon as possible before it got too wet.
CLOVER apologized but wanted to ask if GEORGIE was quite all right?
JO informed the meeting that she was just having a snooze and inquired if anyone had a problem with that.
COLETTE proposed the introduction of a termly GOURMET GAMBLE in which everyone made a dish for supper, put it in a room and bought a raffle ticket. Then they won a completely new and different thing for their supper. As well as raising money, this encouraged within the community the trying of new things and also guaranteed the making of a change.
JO woke GEORGIE and instructed that the Minutes record their absence from the meeting for the smoking of a cigarette.
SHARON requested permission to ask THE HEADMASTER a little detail about which there was wondering. And that was, she could not but help the noticing of just the one toothbrush in the bathroom and inquired of THE HEADMASTER whether Mrs. Orchard would be relocating soon?
JASMINE seconded that question, and added that the committee was very excited about meeting her.
MR. ORCHARD suggested not to get too excited as there was no MRS. ORCHARD for the meeting to meet and added that while he had the floor, now might be the time to raise the subject of—
BEA proposed the pressing on of the agenda and requested the declaration of volunteers so that the fund-raising might begin. Of course, BEA herself would be in charge of THE QUIZ as usual. And inquired who would like to start THE LUNCH LADDER?
THE MEETING was silent.
HEATHER proposed that if nobody else wanted to she was happy to do it but she was keen to avoid getting in the way of others or indeed the treading on of their toes.
BEA said that hmm, well, in her view GEORGIE should be the first and that the meeting must inform her of this in due course when she chose to return. She then requested volunteers for the GOURMET GAMBLE.
THE MEETING was silent, but the Minutes record that HEATHER raised her hand.
BEA informed CLOVER that here at last was her chance to shine. That just left THE CAR BOOT SALE, which in her view was not in any way difficult.
THE MEETING was silent. HEATHER raised her hand again.
BEA informed HEATHER that she could organize THE CAR BOOT SALE but also informed COLETTE that she would oversee that.
COLETTE said that was fine, she did only have her living to earn and it would sometimes be nice if people—
BEA inquired of THE MEETING if it had any suggestions on how she might exist without COLETTE and her amazing support? And also if it had noticed her jacket, which was so gorgeous? Furthermore, she wished to praise the committee for its making of an excellent start.
MR. ORCHARD seconded that, but expressed some regret that no other male members of the community had been able to turn up this evening.
BEA stated that that was because she hadn’t invited any of them and asked if there was any other business.
JASMINE said she would like to inquire of THE HEADMASTER if he had considered the possibility of knocking this room through to the kitchen.
SHARON personally guaranteed both the creation of a more spacious living area and the bringing in of more light.
The Minutes show that here GEORGIE and JO returned to the meeting.
GEORGIE inquired whether they had missed anything important.
HEATHER said yes, that she was starting THE LUNCH LADDER.
GEORGIE stated that the committee did have to be joking.
JO informed GEORGIE that she had predicted something along those lines and that they had done her up like the proverbial kipper.
COLETTE then inquired of THE COMMITTEE, Hello? Like, excuse her? But what was THE COMMITTEE to be called and was it going T-shirts or wristbands?
SHARON sought clarification that THE COMMITTEE was surely an offshoot of PASTA?
BEA suggested to the meeting that a little definition was needed between PASTA and this committee. The thing about the Parents’ Association, which was so excellent and so motivated, was that it was open to simply everybody and that was so lovely and so friendly that up she sometimes welled. But as this committee was invitation-only, it was useful to erect a few boundaries to prevent the creation of confusion and the giving of offense. Perhaps something along the lines of COMMITTEE OF ST. AMBROSE, to be known as COSTA?
COLETTE seconded that, and proposed wristbands, as those T-shirts did nothing for anybody and those with light should not be hiding it beneath bushels.
GEORGIE announced that that was it, that was enough of that and that furthermore she was off.
THE MEETING closed at 8:32 p.m.
Rachel had cut it a bit fine and arrived at the school gates with just a few minutes to spare. Georgie and Jo were both in their usual place by the green metal fence, under a gray-blue
mic
rocloud, with a cigarette on. They were on their own there, of course—they tended to be on their own. Rachel had never worked out if it was fear of the smoke that kept everyone else away, or fear of Jo, whose zero tolerance of any extraneous social nicety was prone to being misunderstood.
“Hello, my love,” Georgie greeted her warmly. Jo didn’t bother. “Good day?”
“Uh. Um. You know. All right. S’pose.”
“O-K. I’ll take that as a no.”
The school bell rang. Georgie and Jo turned to stubbing out cigarettes and containing dog-ends with sober ritualism, like clergy at the end of the Eucharist. Suddenly Jo broke off what she was doing and looked at Rachel for the first time.
“Yeah. Chris. Heard about that,” she said gruffly, abruptly.
“Oh. Mmm.” Rachel loathed these conversations. Really loathed them. The first time she had to acknowledge the separation with every single person she knew was excruciating. They all wanted to talk it over, was the worst thing. Pick at it. Examine all sides of the problem. She was losing count of the number of deep-and-meaningfuls she’d been put through lately, and every single one was wretched and humiliating.
“Yeah. Well,” Jo began.
Rachel braced herself for what was coming.
“He always was an arse.”
She waited for more.
But that was it. Jo was already stomping off towards school. Her powers of oratory were seemingly exhausted. The subject was, apparently, dismissed. And as she followed through the gate, Rachel found that she was almost—not quite, mind, but almost—smiling. Jo had hit just the right level of depth and meaning there. She genuinely felt a tiny bit better.
“Bit chillier today. Brrr…” Heather was waddling beside them.
“Is it?” Rachel hadn’t noticed. She had been working all day, completely up against it, and this was the first time she had been outside. “How was the other night, by the way? The meeting?”
“Bloody awful,” harrumphed Georgie.
“Worst night of my life,” added Jo.
“Actually, I really enjoyed it,” said Heather dreamily. “Everyone was so nice, and guess what? I got the Car Boot Sale!”
Rachel did not quite know how to respond. “Er…congratulations?”
“Thank you.” Judging from Heather’s expression, there was even more good news where that came from.
“And,” she was pink again, “Bea’s asked me to join them all exercising in the mornings.”
It had worked once. Rachel might as well try it again. “Congratulations.” It seemed to do the trick. Then the school door opened and a tide of children washed into the playground and swirled around the legs of those who stood there.
Poppy flung her arms around Rachel’s waist. She too was pink. “The headmaster wants to see you, Mummy. But I haven’t done anything, I promise.”
Rachel rounded the corridor towards the head’s office just as another woman emerged. She flew past Rachel, mouthing the word “gorgeous,” rolling her eyes, fanning her face vigorously with both hands to convey some sort of transporting sexual joy. Blimey, thought Rachel. One man on the staff and suddenly we’re
Fifty Shades of St. Ambrose.
The grumpy school secretary gave a withering look and cocked her head in the general direction of the office.
Rachel knocked, and entered.
“Ah,” said the head, looking up from a spreadsheet. “Mrs. Mason?”
“Er, I’m not really sure,” Rachel wanted to say. What with the swift and nasty buggering-off of Mr. Mason, I don’t know if I am, anymore, Mrs. Mason. Especially as there is, apparently, a second Mrs. Mason waiting in the wings…
But what she said was: “Yes,” and “Hello.”
Well. She didn’t know what that other woman was on. He was fine, this Mr. Orchard, but he was nobody’s definition of “gorgeous.” There at the head’s desk sat a perfectly normal bloke of early middle age. He was wearing a normal bloke’s suit, and his hair was, well, the color of any white bloke’s hair—that sort of browny-greeny, sort of bleuch color.
“Thank you for your time.”
It was a puzzle, Rachel always thought: blokes and hair. By the time they hit thirty-five, they either didn’t have any or they just had the same as the next bloke. Imagine us lot out there all with the same hair color: Bea without her butter-blond highlights, all Bea’s mates without their pale—actually brassy—imitations, Georgie without the occasional when-she-got-round-to-it chestnut rinse, Rachel with her signature auburn
née
ginger. We wouldn’t know anything about each other. So how do these men, in their regulation gray suits and their brown-green hair, how do they do it? What are their markings? How do they even know who they are, themselves?
“Everything’s fine with Poppy,” Mr. Orchard assured her. “Nothing to worry about on that score.”
Well, that was how much he knew. “Oh, that’s a relief,” she said. “I was wondering why…”
“Yes, of course. Actually I had been hoping to see you at the fund-raising committee meeting earlier in the week—”
“Oops. Sorry. Babysitter.” Rachel was pleased with that. Babysitter: very smooth. Much better than “I didn’t get picked.”
“It’s fine. No worries.” He laughed nervously. “I’m not going to put you in detention.”
She smiled politely and thought, God, he’s lame.
“Only I heard you’re an artist.”
“Well, yes—children’s illustrator these days…”