Authors: Van Moody
Tags: #ebook
The People Factor: How Building Great Relationships and Ending Bad Ones Unlocks Your God-Given Purpose (22 page)
3. Understand that people usually have positive motives.
I would like to make one more comment about Pastor Sanders. When he opposed my plan to purchase the building now known as the Huffman Campus of our church, he did so with a pure heart, with wisdom based on experience, with genuine love for me, and with a true desire for me to have God’s very best in my life. As I noted, he simply did not see how such a big commitment really was God’s best at that time. His motives were sterling, and I will always appreciate that. But I am also glad our relationship transitioned for a season because that was the only way for me to obey God.
By the time I encountered the situation with Pastor Sanders and the building, I had had another experience that gave me courage
to move forward. It had happened years previously, but its lessons never left me.
While I was in graduate school, I lived with my father. I did that by choice because my parents divorced when I was a baby, so I had never lived with him during my growing-up years. As a young adult, I really wanted to develop a relationship with my dad. During the course of my studies, God opened some amazing doors for me. I was part of the World Council of Churches in Germany for a while and then worked at the Vatican. When I returned from Europe, my father was excited because he had so enjoyed the time we lived together; we had truly grown to love one another, and he looked forward to continuing to build our relationship. I would have enjoyed spending more time with my father, but God had other plans for me.
When I received a job offer in Florida, I knew God had opened the door to a great opportunity and was clearly leading me to take it. My father knew it, too, but he did not like it. He did not want me to move away, and through tears, he asked me to stay. He was not trying to block my destiny or to pull me away from God’s will. He was simply a grateful man who treasured the chance to build a meaningful relationship with his son somewhat late in life, and he could not bear the thought of losing what we had.
But I had to go, and though I didn’t want to leave him either, I moved to Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and ultimately met my wife there. Had I allowed my father to influence me too heavily, I might still be single! I had to go with God, which meant I also had to allow my relationship with my father to change.
The same principle holds true with Peter and Jesus. Peter was not angry with or opposed to Jesus when he so strongly begged Him not to go to the Cross; he loved Him. He did not intentionally speak against God’s plan, but he did not want his friend to
suffer or experience the grueling death he knew Jesus would face. Chances are, the same dynamics are at work when people seem to be standing in your way. Most of the time, they are not being difficult; rather, they are speaking up because they truly love you and want the best for you. The challenge for you in situations such as these is to understand and receive their love, but also to put everything about the situation in perspective and move forward as God leads you.
4. Be confident that the relationship can remain intact.
In the situation with Jesus and Peter, events do not move immediately from Jesus’ instruction “Get behind me” (Matt. 16:23) to His crucifixion. Some time passes, and during that period, Peter stays with Jesus and the other disciples. He is present for the teachings Jesus offers, the stories He tells, and the miracles He performs. He has a place at the Last Supper and, along with James and John, he provides companionship to Jesus during His dark hours in the Garden of Gethsemane.
The fact that Peter remains a visible part of Jesus’ life after the relationship shifts proves to me that relationships can endure transition. Relationships do not have to end just because roles or dynamics change. Jesus repositions Peter, but He does not send him away; nor does Peter leave. They both accept Peter’s new role because even though they had a major misunderstanding, the relationship is never severed; it simply changes for a season.
Often, in today’s culture, people lack the levels of loyalty we have seen in previous generations and view relationships as optional or temporary, not as highly valuable potential destiny makers. When friends, family members, employees, or coworkers no longer serve their purposes, people discard them. This happens
in marriages when divorce takes place, and it happens in corporate settings when people retire or change jobs. Sometimes, under those circumstances, relationships that have lasted for years suddenly disappear. Whatever was valuable about them seems quickly forgotten, and everyone involved moves on to the next set of friends, lovers, or colleagues.
I submit that a relationship does not necessarily have to be “on” or “off.” It does not have to be hot or cold. There are times and seasons when it is perfectly acceptable for a relationship to simply exist. I have made the point in this book that relationships require regular investments of time, energy, communication, and care, but I also know that once relationships are built and their value is established, allowing them to rest or be restructured at certain times because one person is moving ahead is okay. It is definitely better than letting them go!
I remember how I felt when I was single and some of my friends were married. We were still friends, but I had to accept the fact that they now had different priorities, different values, and different areas of focus in their lives. We could not do the things we used to do, and they did not need to commit to doing anything without first checking with their wives. I had to respect that. They had to respect that I still wanted to engage in a spur-of-the-moment basketball game or a spontaneous trip to our favorite pizza place, and they needed to understand that I would do those things without them. We all had to adjust to new dynamics, but that did not mean we were not still friends.
In this day when you can “unfriend” a person in about a millisecond, know that “friend” and “unfriend” are not your only options in real life, outside the social media realm. When you encounter a situation in which your response to your destiny means you cannot stay friends with someone under the conditions you have always
known, that is not necessarily a time to abandon or bring closure to a great relationship; it’s just time for a little constructive transition.
5. Remain hopeful about the possibility of restoration.
Just as my relationship with Pastor Sanders is now completely restored, any relationship that goes through constructive transition has the potential to be restored. Sometimes both parties return to their previous roles. But more often one or both people enter into situations that are part of God’s plan for their lives, and what gets restored are not their former positions in the relationship, but the level of synergy and intimacy they once knew.
The keys to restoration are shared values and shared vision. When one person still “just can’t see” and does not understand the situation, chances are high that the transition needs to remain in place. If one or both people want to go back to the same activities and same type of relationship they had before, it probably will not work. But if they both grow and understand who they are and what they can share in the present, restoration is possible.
At the end of the Gospels, in the last chapter of the book of John, a powerful and tender interaction takes place between Jesus and Peter. We can tell from the content of their conversation that their relationship has been restored and that Peter is once again in a place of prominence in Jesus’ life. In fact, the heading of this portion of Scripture in the
NIV Study Bible
is “Jesus Reinstates Peter.”
After His death and resurrection, Jesus appears to His disciples. He has reached the end of His earthly ministry and has enjoyed one last meal with the disciples, His friends. He says to Peter, “Do you truly love me more than these?”
Peter responds, “Yes, Lord . . . you know that I love you.”
Jesus instructs him, “Feed my lambs” (John 21:15–16).
A similar conversation takes place two more times. Jesus gives him three chances to verbalize his love and to acknowledge that his values are the same as His. Peter takes them all. No doubt, the relationship is restored.
B
E
C
AREFUL AND
C
ONSTRUCTIVE
Every relationship I have mentioned in this chapter is a relationship of value. Relationships that are valuable, meaningful, and real need to be handled with care and caution. When you find yourself in a situation that calls for constructive transition, I encourage you to remember that making the needed adjustments in the relationship may be difficult for both you and the other person. Even when you know you must move ahead, do so with sensitivity. Remember how valuable your friend or associate is to you, and keep in mind that a healthy transition not only paves the way for you to fulfill your destiny and to do God’s will, but it also enables a relationship to remain intact and opens the possibility of restoration.
RELATIONSHIP REMINDERS
• No matter how close or important a relationship is, you may reach a point at which you must adjust it in order to obey God.
• Constructive transition is rarely easy, but it is necessary to reach the next level of success and purpose in your life.
• Remember the five
ah-hahs
of constructive transition: everyone cannot always see what you see and understand what you understand; building blocks can become stumbling blocks; people usually want the best for you; transition doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship; and restoration is an option.
• When a positive, genuine relationship reaches a point where transition is needed, it is a tender time for both parties. Handle the transition with gentleness and compassion, with the goal of effectively changing places while keeping the relationship intact.
RAISING YOUR RELATIONAL IQ
1. Has someone valuable and important in your life ever stood between you and your destiny or tried to talk you out of following God’s will for your life? How did you feel? How did you respond?
2. Have you ever hindered anyone from pursuing God’s plan because you did not understand everything that person understood? How do you wish you had handled the situation differently? If you have not already done so, would you follow Pastor Sanders’s example and apologize?
3. In your personal life, are you willing to believe that people who seem to try to keep you from doing what you need to do may genuinely love you but may not completely understand your situation? Are you willing to believe they have positive motives? This willingness to believe the best will pave the way for relationships to remain intact and possibly be restored at some point.
4. Think about the significant, valuable relationships in your life. How can you be a building block instead of a stumbling block for those people?
5. Is there a relationship in your life that needs a constructive transition right now? Based on the understanding you have gained in this chapter, how will you move forward with that?
How to Make the Most Difficult Choices
THE MOST DIFFICULT CHOICES IN RELATIONSHIPS often involve whether or not to remain in someone’s life, or allow someone to remain in yours, when problems arise. In Christian circles, we frequently take a naive approach to relationships, urging people to love one another, as Scripture admonishes, while failing to understand and acknowledge how complicated loving others can be. If we believe God leads us into relationships with people, we also tend to think those relationships must last for the rest of our lives. To the best of my knowledge, the only interpersonal relationship bound by solemn vows and the promise “until death do us part” is the covenant of marriage. In other types of relationships, we may find that we have lifelong friends or we may discover that certain people are part of our lives for a specific purpose during a certain period of time. We may also end up in relationships we wish would last for years but that end prematurely for various reasons.
In this section of the book, I hope to help you understand some of the most common and valid reasons certain relationships must come to a close and to help you know how to bring closure in loving, gracious ways. In the following chapters, you will learn from Abraham and Lot that helping some people simply is not worth what it costs to those who try to assist them. Paul and John Mark demonstrate what happens when a relationship starts out well and is filled with promise but one person gets upset and chooses to leave. Ruth, Orpah, and Naomi highlight the differences between covenant partners—people who come into your life to stay—and halfway friends—people with whom you have relationships for a specific reason or for an appointed season.
I pray you will have as many relationships that help you, not hinder you, as possible. But when you find yourself in a place where you must bring a relationship to an end, I hope you will remember this section of the book and be equipped to do it well.
K
NOWING
W
HEN AND
H
OW TO
E
ND AN
U
NHEALTHY
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ELATIONSHIP
ANNMARIE WAS A YOUNG DESIGNER DETERMINED to become famous in the fashion world. When she was invited to join the team of one of the industry’s best-known designers in New York City, she was ecstatic. The opportunity was everything she had hoped for and exactly what she needed to take the next step toward her dream.
Her direct supervisor, Cynthia, had been in the fashion business for years and was highly regarded for her cutting-edge sense of style, her artistic eye, and her ability to groom promising young designers for future success. AnnMarie felt working for Cynthia would provide her with everything she would need to later start her own label.
But AnnMarie had a problem. She developed an arrogant attitude because she was too impressed with herself and her abilities. Her teachers and fellow students frequently complimented her
designs and thought she displayed amazing talent, and she agreed. The trouble started not when she discovered she could learn from Cynthia but when she decided Cynthia could learn a few things from her.